FT

I'm sorry to learn of your struggles, OpioPhobe.

OpioPhobe

FT - you're alive! Did you come back just for me? Just kidding. It is good to see that you are back.

cleaninLI

Opio so glad you have a sponsor and planning to work the steps slowly. I hope they help you!

Glad you clicked with this sponsor. I'm sure he will understand you. You come across sincerely wanting to learn and asking questions is the best way to learn and have someone explain things to you! There is never a wrong question!

Take care Opio!

lonelynn

I'm very happy for you Opio...stay at it.

OpioPhobe

I caught up on my sleep last night which was good. My head is pounding today and I have been avoiding salty foods to try to keep BP down. Normally, I am good on the BP front except when I am coming off something. Overall, I am still doing well though and I am still in good spirits.

My meeting this afternoon went OK. I am going to keep trying different locations / times, because I find that they vary a lot. I don't really know what to look for with the meetings, but I can relate to certain meetings / stories more than others. It is tough for me to get the lay of the land, but some folks seem to be there only because they have to be (via court order or what have you). I feel guilty sometimes about even thinking that. Who am I to judge anyone else who is there or their motives? Still, I am going there because I want to, and I have a sense that I have to be proactive about deciding who to get close to and who to avoid. Also, I saw some pinned pupils from a couple folks. Those I definitely want to steer clear of.

OpioPhobe

Today has been better. Sleep is settling down. I definitely had some raw emotions today where I was pretty level one minute and then depressed the next.

I went to two different meetings today. One was very solid and I am definitely going to make it my regular Monday spot. There were a lot of folks there that had been with it for decades, which I thought was quite impressive. They seemed happy with it too.

I am working on my homework assignment for my sponsor. That part of it is kind of depressing to be honest. I am still on track for 90 in 90. With two today I guess that counts as a birdie. I don't need any bogies right now that is for sure.

OpioPhobe

Well, I am going to be Negative Nancy today. Today has just been a big fat **** sandwich. I was going through step 4 and I feel like I am resentful at the whole world right now (excluding SR of course). Things on the home front are abysmal and will never improve whether I am sober or not. I actually thought about drinking out of pure unadulterated hatred for my wife. It would take a stick of dynamite to get her out of the room and pobably a whole box to even spend 1 hour with her children. There is NOTHING I can do that even registers with her. There was never a time in the past that I wanted to use or drink to intentionally cause her suffering, but that seems to be the ONLY thing she ever gives a **** about. Anything that I say to her will fall on deaf ears, but boy if I had a drink or used she would get her ass out of her room in a flash to come and start bitching. Damn, I am pissed.

I am not going to do it because it will only give her an easy go-to excuse. At least by not drinking I can get some level of sick entertainment of the ******** excuse she is going to come up with. I think I am going to keep a log book of excuses and then bring it up as my evidence under cross-examination by her therapist.

I am honestly trying to just accept the situation and acknowledge that it is out of my control, but what are you supposed to do when it is something out of your control that you just can't live with?

Anyway, there is my rant. I am not going to drink or use. It will only make the ****** situation that much worse.

cleaninLI

So sorry Opio you are having a bad day! Prayers going up for you. Wish I had some answers for ya. I'm just really perplexed. Were you able to speak to her Doctor? Any progress made? Have you checked into involuntary hospitalization?

At least you didn't drink or pick-up. I know that you are aware that isn't the answer. It will only make it worse. Your babies need at least one parent to step-up and be there for them!

(((Opiophobe)))

OpioPhobe

I haven't done anything concrete to address it yet. She saw her prescribing doc today and told me that she was keeping her medication the same because everything has been so ******* stressful lately. How am I supposed to ignore it when she is locked in her room all day? I told her that it is going to continue to be stressful, because staying in your room all day is not acceptable. Even if she hated me so much that she couldn't bear my presence, why wouldn't she come down and be with the kids if I had to go out and do something? It just makes no sense.

I am going to set an appointment this week to talk to an attorney about the situation. Maybe they would know about hospitalization, but I don't know if they can do anything about laziness. I think she is just faking all these mysterious ailments.

cleaninLI

Opio don't think I am siding with your wife. I know her behavior is stressing you out...but I doubt she's faking it. I really think she needs treatment ASAP. It could be clinical depression? I've read stories of people who are seriously depressed and they cannot motivate themselves to move...get up for anything. My mother was the same way. There were times she couldn't get out of bed! If you could look at this from the prospective that your wife is very ill and is suffering a serious disease, does it help you feel less angry? Because I think that is what this is.

Obviously I'm no doctor, but I don't think she WANTS to be like this. Yes that is good that you are going to speak to an attorney. So sorry you are going thru this.

Marcus

Forgive me Opio but I guess I missed the part of your story with your wife. How old are your kids? Just wondering if it could be Postpartum and if your kids are much older I apologize. My wife turned into another kind of crazy when my first and second child were 3-6 months. If I am completely off base I apologize - read back on this thread a bit, but wasn't sure the exact situation. I feel for you man. I know how much I wanted to fall back on something that would wash away the feelings. I turned to booze for a while until it became an all day every day thing. I justified it saying I am not shooting dope, but realized it was dragging me down all the same. Hang in there. I really think you should keep hitting meetings and find some other dudes that have been where you are. They can at the very least understand your predicament and offer some ideas on what worked for them. You don't have to take their advice, but knowing you are not alone can be a lifesaver when you are searching for answers. Hang in there bro - just remember using is just going to turn things further upside down. PEACE!!!!

Dee74

I glad you're committed to getting through this sober Opio.

What Clean says really resonates with me.

One of my former partners had mental illness. I was a lot younger then and it took me a long time to realise she wasn't doing this to me...she was really doing it to herself and even then that's giving it a level of conscious thought that just wasn't there.

It is an illness, but it's very rarely recognised as one in the general public, even today.

I hope your wife will get the help she needs.

D

OpioPhobe

We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. She said she had post partum depression after my son was born (the 2 year old). Then she got on antidepressants and has been crazy ever since. Her doctors screwed up some of her meds, but she also could never make it to an appointment on time either and got dropped repeatedly.

I am really digging deep to try to remain sympathetic to her, and to turn the other cheek. My problem is that when I was withdrawaling I didn't get a shred of anything but hatred from her. I was sure as hell 'depressed', but I got out of bed anyway. I got to work without shitting myself in the cab (barely). The encouraging words of 'once and addict always an addict' and 'you did this to yourself' coming out of her mouth when I was lying on the floor writhing around in pain are seared in my memory. I told her that I was really sick and she not only turned her back on me, but tried to make things more difficult. That is one that I have tried hard to forgive her for, but she was such a sadist bitch when the shoe was on the other foot.

Then she goes to the hospital and gets IV morphine for two weeks and you should have heard the wailing when she got home! She was talking about how she just had to get back to the hospital. Even then, I was sympathetic, and helped her get through it. I had secretly hoped for her to catch a habit and have to withdrawal just so I could use the same lines on her, but when I saw her suffering I just couldn't be mean like that. I guess I am just a sucker.

I sat her down and had a calm conversation with her the other day, and asked her what was going on. Then it was just a bunch of ********. Of course, it was all my fault because of the stress I put her under. I finally told her to get to a doctor and get her **** squared away. Then she started talking about leaving and I told her that was great. I even offered to help her pack. I don't really care if she is clinically depressed or not at this point. I am tired of having to tell my daughter that mommy is sick every single day. This has been going on for well over a year now.

TiredEnough

I think when enough anger and resentment builds up, things can't be saved. Just my opinion.

I grew to truly despise my ex wife and at that point a complete 180 from her and all the effort in the world wouldnt have made a dime of difference.

OpioPhobe

Well, I feel better this morning. Last night felt like an exorcism or something. Maybe I just needed to get some demons out. My sponsor is probably going to regret taking me on, but I'll be honest with him. I knew I had some resentments, but when I really thought down to think about it last night it struck me at how profound they were. Maybe that is one of the things that had been holding me back. I have to find a way to let it go or else it is going to destroy me.

Thanks for everyone's support. I do try to avoid being negative on here, but sometimes it just blows up on me when I can't keep it all buried. There is a lot of **** buried in the recesses of my mind.

Regardless, there are clearly things that have to be addressed at home. I can pray for things to happen, but I think it will be utterly futile if I don't take concrete steps. If I do have to walk away one day at least I know I tried everything that I could.

BlueChair

I hope you do see an attorney Opio. It may help you to get more facts about your situation, understand what your rights are, and what you can start doing now just in case this comes down to a divorce.

I think your wife is mentally off but at the same time there's an element of choice in there too because when you were gone to Chicago she stepped up. I don’t see her illness any different than yours (the addiction). I agree with Clean she needs a change in her medical care. Does our wife have any family Opio? Close friends who see whats going on with her can help you work with her? With my husbands addiction, we had to all group together to effect change and encourage him to accept treatment. Once his mind was clear, then he was able to drive his own bus so to speak. The other option is to just let her do her thing, maybe she will eventually hit bottom.

I think she treated you horribly but for your own sanity your going to have to make peace with it. She was also probably conditioned to think like she did Opio, all the name calling and such is because you used drugs and this made you bad, you did it all to yourself in her mind possibly you deserved to suffer, she may have even thought it was good for you. Ive heard some twisted things due to false beliefs and stigma of addiction. I always try to treat others as I would want to be treated, so I think you need to find yourself in all this and then act, think, believe the way Opio would, don’t allow the anger, resentments to change who you are, what you believe, what actions you take. Maybe focus on this self care your doing, get stronger, get informed by an attorney, and begin setting your own healthy boundaries.

EyesOfAStranger

Hey Opio......been thinking about you and I hope you are doing ok. Reading your posts about your relationship remind me so much of my ex. He was an alcoholic and drug addict himself, but sure would hold my addiction over my head (not that I'm blaming him for my choices, but I will say my addiction really got out of control while I was with him as it was the only way I could "fake" happiness then). For him it was anxiety - that's why he smoked an ounce of weed a week, to help with that so he could work. Only he didn't work and when he did get a job would call in sick constantly or "injure" himself, or some other story. Seven years of trying to support two on my income (mixed with addiction) led to bankruptcy for me.

I have to agree with whoever mentioned built up resentments. By the end even if everything else in our relationship was perfect (which it was far far from, but pretending for a minute) if he had a job paying two grand a week I don't think it would have been enough. I just could not get over the resentments I had, of always being the only one to worry about bills, a roof over our heads, moving so he could be by public transportation to get a job (which he never used), finding a second car which had to also go in my name, and in the end ruining my credit. Just a tough one - I don't want to assume you have in reconcilable differences, but it sounds close. Fortunately for me we were not married, nor had any children - I think that adds a whole new dimension to it. Makes it infinitely different. But going through the struggles you are now have to be having a negative effect on the sobriety scale. Something's got to give I would guess.

Sending some positive thoughts your way

OpioPhobe

There have been some new developments since my last update. My wife made the gigantic mistake of running short on one of her scripts. It is a benzo script. She couldn't drive to pick it up so I had the pleasure of getting it. Given the fact that she ran short and said it was because of all the stress I put her under I have concluded that she needs a daily dosing regimen. So now I have control of her script, and the days of her staying in her room all day are over. She has responded well to this new approach, and I have concluded that she wasn't properly incentivized to get out of bed.

I feel some guilt about having to take this step, but she had to hold meds for me in the past. I honestly do think that it is best for her or else she is probably going to run short again. This has never happened in the past, and I suspect that some of her other medication are off. However, I am willing to use it as leverage if she forces my hand.

So things have been going much better over the past couple days. I finally have a sense of control in a situation that looked permanently and hopelessly chaotic. It has really been a relief to know that she is going to be a part of the family again. I actually don't have words for the relief I felt when I realized that there was something I could do (other than drinking/using) that would get her out of her room.

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Opi!

I'm late to the Thread here! Just wanted to wish you the best and hope you are getting your feet underneath you!

If it wasn't for my daily pill divider? I'd get confused on my own meds! I have one for evening and morning meds!

Best to you and your family!

TOD

cleaninLI

Opio it looks like you got some leverage now....how's it going for you?