Hi, pals.
I am almost ok. This week was emotionally tough since, first I've been fighting for getting my money back for very poorly provided service. Usually I put the blame on myself, but this time I've decided _ WTF? So, I put on my badass boxing gloves and stood my ground.
Then I finally met my jerk brother. To make things less emotionally exhausting I brought "back up" - my Ex) Well, it still was emotionally draining, but I finally made the first step to resolving this issue.
Now, back to that controversial article I posted a week ago - about overating as punishment, self-sabotage, immature behaviour, and danger to health.
Ok, let me explain.
I am sorry if this sounded harsh- I needed something to "shake me up".
Here what it means to me.
For me it hit home to look at overating as abuse, not reward or celebration.
Just to be clear about what I mean by overeating or binge eating.
In my case I am not talking about some extra cookie or a piece of cake. I am talking about stuffing myself till my stomach starts aching and it's almost hard to breath. I stuff myself till it's almost makes me sick to swallow just another piece of food, but for some reason I do it. The next day my stomach is upset, liver is "heavy", I am bloating and feel terrible.
I believe it's a downright abuse of my body, just disguised as "celebration" or reward, at least in the beginning.
Considering a generally accepted pattern to "encourage yourself with some delicious food" plus my uber commplicated relationships with food (starving as a teenager, fear of not having enough food, subconscious pattern to "seek shelter from negative emotions at the dining table; my Mom yelling at me if, later, as a grown up I refused to eat some doughnuts, etc. that I am ungrateful - she works so hard to provide for us and I am so "squeamish, hard to please and pucky"; or again, as a teenager, if I asked for some vegetables or fruit instead, casting me in teeth that they were very expensive during winter season, etc.). It wasn't all that bad all the time, but somewere deep in my mind I can't treat food without being strongly emotionally attached to it. It's like I can't still be sure I have enough food available, and I am catching the moment to enjoy this abundance. It's like tomorrow all this will disappear and I won't be able to afford all this (and my current unstable financial situation adds to this paranoia).
As a kid I was manipulated by the food, because sometimes I was downright hungry - as simple as that. I presume, that somewhere deep inside I punush my body for "betraying" me - it needed food, it demanded it. And my kid's mind wanted something sweet and delicious as well - and it "betrayed" me as well - being so "immature". And now like I am seeking this "reward" again - because I hardly knew another one back then. "if you are good girl" - I'll buy you a candy.
And now I am in that "catch 22" or, 44, or 66, or in any possible catch. I am still rewarding this kid, and, at the same time, I hate myself for being so "helpless" and "betraying" myself again. I am abusing and torturing myself, giving "proof" that I should be grateful for this "reward".
Ok, enough for back-to-childhood-self-pity.
Overating FOR ME - it's like exquisite masochism. My self passive aggressive behaviour,if you let me call it like this.
I just can imagine my Mom now who is ridiculing me for mouthing these words: "Oh, come on. Stop this BS, you, ungrateful thing. I am working hard to feed you, and you are refusing to it this because of some craze illusions of yours."
Yah, my feelings were illusions. I learned to disrespect my body because close ones thought I (and my body) can't feel this, should do that, etc.
It's like if someone horsewhipped me, and if I cried "Stop, it hurts!", they said to me "Oh, bulls&&t. Are you kidding? It can't hurt!". So, after a ten, or hundred times, I started to believe that it's something wrong with me since it can't hurt.
Now, about self-sabotage.
Yeah, that's it.
Because instead of working on my project I go buy/eat some food. It is like I CANT WRITE until I "prepare" myself through staffing with food. Crazy, yeah?
I am scared that I am not good enough at my writing, so I procrastinate, eating fear away with food.
Resistance is on my way to reaching my goals and buying food and overeating is a great way to procrastinate.
Then I stuff myself till I am almost half alive and I slip exactly in this state - lethargic, powerless, when just pure physiology comes into play- all the blood flows to stomach and digesting system. I feel sleepy, and just can't work properly. Yes, I will do everything I am suppposed/required to, but my authentic goals (like writing projects) are again postponed since I am not responsible for fullfilling them to no one but myself.
And it is like again, my Mom patting me on the shoulder, saying: "Oh, my baby, stop nursing chimeras. Let's better go and eat something".
But if I shrugg off this patronizing pat, and say: "No, I don't want cakes/cookies/whatever. I want to write and then I want to work out. And I don't think it's chimeras".
Oh, then the hell will rain on me in an instant. Patronizing tone would immediately turn into hysterics how undgrateful I am, etc. Leaving me with a tremendous sense of guilt that I've just rejected food my Mom bought with hard-earned money, preferring value and illuustional projects of my own to expressing gratitiutude to my Mom (by abusing my body).
It's like all the way catch, and lose-lose situation. Followers of a well-known sobriety program would probably call it "self-centered", I don't know.
And now, being grown up, I still feel that way.
And I keep stuffing myself and freaking out about that at the same moment. Freaking out and keep stuffing. Stuffing and freaking out. Vicious circle...
As for the last one - yes, I am young and active, and all this is hardly of immeidate danger to me. Maybe, it's my way to make this situation more serious. Maybe, I am still seeking proof and evidence, because what my body feels was never enough, and never important to consider. Maybe I want this to be deadly serious to put it in front of the face of my Mom like a shield. Because, somehow all this "no big deal" turn into me feeling "bid deal crappy". And I am f&&&&g tired of it.
And, actually, I still think that overstuffing myself with tons of sugar is not the best way to contribute to my health in the long run. Seriously.
Ok, pals.
Off to a boxing classs.
See you later)