AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks GT. not sure I know where to buy carob bars, I've never even heard of them. Anyway, I had a bit of a miserable sulky evening, and now it's Monday morning and I'm heading off for work. Healthy lunch packed and smile in place...sigh.
AV is not going to let this one go without a huge fight. It is already trying to convince me I won't be able to cope with the stress of the day without it. I'm anxious. IT is anxious.
AV is not going to let this one go without a huge fight. It is already trying to convince me I won't be able to cope with the stress of the day without it. I'm anxious. IT is anxious.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Jeni, morning to you)
Healthy lunch packed and smile in place - that's great!
AV is not going to let this one go without a huge fight - we are big time fighters here too
You will be able to cope with stress - you are a badass and bloody strong!
My positive vibes and hugs to you!
See you all later)
Healthy lunch packed and smile in place - that's great!
AV is not going to let this one go without a huge fight - we are big time fighters here too
You will be able to cope with stress - you are a badass and bloody strong!
My positive vibes and hugs to you!
See you all later)
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
Healthy lunch packed and smile in place...sigh.
I had to put mine in its place last night and I'm about to go shopping now, so I'm taking my AV armoury with me .... :uzi:
Hope you have a better day today
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Yersterday, I believe, I passes a very important milestone in my recovery. I broke the mould of my behaviour. Thought I felt as anxious and uncomfortable as I could feel.
Before I started AVRT for my binge eating I never noticed how stressed and "strained" I am all the time. Even regular everyday routines bring me a lot of stress. One of these routines is driving. And again, the craziest thing that it's not driving itselft that causes major stress - I am a pretty good driver. It all those nasty noises in my head that mess up with me.
A little background (I'll try to keep it short). My family never had a car - sounds weird, but still. And my Mom thought that having a car and driving is just "not for me (us)" - too much of a luxury. That I will never feel confident when driving, especially in crazy traffic in the city center. That I will mess up, etc., etc., etc. My ex also thought I needn't my own car. When we broke up I decided "what the heck", and just bought myself a car. I actually had got my driving license earlier "just in case". When I bought the car I took more driving lessons, so I was all prepared to venture myself on the road. It turned out I feel quite comfortable when driving, But I still feel that nasty feeling - like I am somewhere where I do not belong. Like I have a third class ticket on a cruise liner, and dare to step in first class zone.
I know all this illogical and BS, and still feel it!
And if I do not drive "perfectly" , there's surely the Mom's voice: "You shouldn't have got a car in the first place". And I beat myself up hard. Like she is sitting on the back seat behind me and criticizing all the way!
So, yesterday I was running some errands and this stupid GPS navigator led me to the dead end. One way dead end, with cars parked on both sides and narrow road. So, I had to carefull drive backwards, and here's the voice: "How are you going to get out of here? You are not gonna make it? You will scratch this expensive Lexus on the left side!". My hands were just shaking. I calmed myself, made it, found the right way, but I was just emotionally exhausted!
And usually after such "accidents" I proceed beating myself up: "See, normal drivers who belong here, do not freak out about this, they can easily handle it". And so on.
No wonder that being stressed all the time about everything my body desperately wants relief, and here comes AV and a "quick fix" with food.
I changed this pattern yesterday.
I started right on my way home, in the elevator, dragging all the groceries.
I knew exactly what my immediate reaction will be - rush to the kitchen and eat - no junk food this time, but it's not the point. Just eat, mindlessly, pointlessy, just to release this huge muscle and emotional tension.
For the first time I really felt how my muscles are all "knotted", strained, shriveled. To the extent that I can feel some micro-shaking in my muschles. My shoulders are shrugged. My jaws are fastened. I am holding my breath - I don't breath properly. I feel terrible.
So, I got home, and started to breath - deeply, slowly. I closed my eyes and imagine every muscles of my body that is suffering now. My muscles that are holding in their memory reaction they developed during long years of stress since childhood when I used to hold my breath "not to make noise". With every tiny cell that works in stressed emergency. My blood "drunk" with adrenaline and cortisol. And I told them: "Relax, guys. Easy. I will take care of you now. I will relax you. We will be fine".
So, I was just sitting and breathing for about 10 minutes. And I felt like as if I had a 2-hour boxing class - absolutely exhausted. And this feeling, amont many others, I used to "eat away.
It was a huge step for me - the Beast got knockout. I created new behavioural pattern for myself, which doesn't contradict my new morality and life goals and doesn't create ambivalence.
And this time I didn't beat myself up for "messin up while driving" either.
And I re-started meals planning. I did my grocery shopping for the week yesterday, and I noticed a BIG difference. Though I always do it with a shopping list, there's also some point where I used tp go to look for something "comforting". I could lurk there for a long time, picking up every damn item, placing it back, reading all the ingredients, sighing over how unhealthy it is. Keep looking for something "Comforting and healthy", ending up with some piece sweets/cookies/cakes, telling myself "I will just have one-two with tea).
And it alwsays gave me some miserable feeling, like I was deprived of something, of universal and generally accepted joys of life.
And I used to spend quite a time doing groceries shopping - like I enjoyed walking between aisles, looking at the staff, because I had no other "comforts" in my life.
Yesterday I sticked exactly to the list. And I was quite impatient to get over with shopping and do other things planned. Sweets/cookies/, etc. department simply didn't exist for me.
Great feeling, I should say!
GT - Thank you so much for this paragraph! I think I am getting the bulb moment now. It really perfectly hit home. I've started remembering similar experiences in my life. It's like, back in the days when I was actively doing horse riding, jumping over a hurdle for the first time . Or, driving on my own for the first time - this moment of the Rubicon crossed.
As for processed food -it's quite weird in my case. I rarely eat this - I am fine with cooking and it's no big deal for me. But when I used to binge I was just "breaking bad" - like "what the heck, since I am having crap, I should make the best of it". Destructive perfectionism with extremes.
I am defining for myself processed food as something that consists of two and more ingredients processes in one. I make some allowances here because in modern world all food is processed in some way, IMHO. I mean, tuna is great food, but where I live it's rarely sold fresh, and if it is -price is quite high. So I buy it canned. Yes, it's processed, but holds more benefits than if I don't eat this at all.
I think I should just consider giving up forever all crackers, chips, etc - all the salty crunching crap. I eat this, maybe once in a few months, but when I do I break bad too. I don't think I need it at all.
And I love how you changed Jeni's dialogue with AV.
Jeni - My friend, I am the last person on this planet who would think that any kind of food "mis-bahaviour" is weird. I know way too good about "comforting" effect of food and all the emotions related. I am so glad this little girl is taken good care of!
WOW. Another Big Plan for chocolate! Real badass.
And nothing is wrong with you! I believe it's hard to kick out food habits because eating chocolate, sweets, etc as coping with stress and problems is mostly considered ok and normal in society. Like it proves that you are "human", not a machine. And its really badass path to get rid of it.
HeadLump - Hope you got yourself all armed agains AV and your groceries shopping went well))
Liferecovery - Unfortunately I don't see my therapist regularly now due to my current financial issues, and when I see we work on some other issues, so we don't discuss my binge eating. I now see another therapist to finally resolve my childhood issues. But when things get better I'll discuss it with her)
Well, another long post)
Best wishes, pals.
See you later)
Before I started AVRT for my binge eating I never noticed how stressed and "strained" I am all the time. Even regular everyday routines bring me a lot of stress. One of these routines is driving. And again, the craziest thing that it's not driving itselft that causes major stress - I am a pretty good driver. It all those nasty noises in my head that mess up with me.
A little background (I'll try to keep it short). My family never had a car - sounds weird, but still. And my Mom thought that having a car and driving is just "not for me (us)" - too much of a luxury. That I will never feel confident when driving, especially in crazy traffic in the city center. That I will mess up, etc., etc., etc. My ex also thought I needn't my own car. When we broke up I decided "what the heck", and just bought myself a car. I actually had got my driving license earlier "just in case". When I bought the car I took more driving lessons, so I was all prepared to venture myself on the road. It turned out I feel quite comfortable when driving, But I still feel that nasty feeling - like I am somewhere where I do not belong. Like I have a third class ticket on a cruise liner, and dare to step in first class zone.
I know all this illogical and BS, and still feel it!
And if I do not drive "perfectly" , there's surely the Mom's voice: "You shouldn't have got a car in the first place". And I beat myself up hard. Like she is sitting on the back seat behind me and criticizing all the way!
So, yesterday I was running some errands and this stupid GPS navigator led me to the dead end. One way dead end, with cars parked on both sides and narrow road. So, I had to carefull drive backwards, and here's the voice: "How are you going to get out of here? You are not gonna make it? You will scratch this expensive Lexus on the left side!". My hands were just shaking. I calmed myself, made it, found the right way, but I was just emotionally exhausted!
And usually after such "accidents" I proceed beating myself up: "See, normal drivers who belong here, do not freak out about this, they can easily handle it". And so on.
No wonder that being stressed all the time about everything my body desperately wants relief, and here comes AV and a "quick fix" with food.
I changed this pattern yesterday.
I started right on my way home, in the elevator, dragging all the groceries.
I knew exactly what my immediate reaction will be - rush to the kitchen and eat - no junk food this time, but it's not the point. Just eat, mindlessly, pointlessy, just to release this huge muscle and emotional tension.
For the first time I really felt how my muscles are all "knotted", strained, shriveled. To the extent that I can feel some micro-shaking in my muschles. My shoulders are shrugged. My jaws are fastened. I am holding my breath - I don't breath properly. I feel terrible.
So, I got home, and started to breath - deeply, slowly. I closed my eyes and imagine every muscles of my body that is suffering now. My muscles that are holding in their memory reaction they developed during long years of stress since childhood when I used to hold my breath "not to make noise". With every tiny cell that works in stressed emergency. My blood "drunk" with adrenaline and cortisol. And I told them: "Relax, guys. Easy. I will take care of you now. I will relax you. We will be fine".
So, I was just sitting and breathing for about 10 minutes. And I felt like as if I had a 2-hour boxing class - absolutely exhausted. And this feeling, amont many others, I used to "eat away.
It was a huge step for me - the Beast got knockout. I created new behavioural pattern for myself, which doesn't contradict my new morality and life goals and doesn't create ambivalence.
And this time I didn't beat myself up for "messin up while driving" either.
And I re-started meals planning. I did my grocery shopping for the week yesterday, and I noticed a BIG difference. Though I always do it with a shopping list, there's also some point where I used tp go to look for something "comforting". I could lurk there for a long time, picking up every damn item, placing it back, reading all the ingredients, sighing over how unhealthy it is. Keep looking for something "Comforting and healthy", ending up with some piece sweets/cookies/cakes, telling myself "I will just have one-two with tea).
And it alwsays gave me some miserable feeling, like I was deprived of something, of universal and generally accepted joys of life.
And I used to spend quite a time doing groceries shopping - like I enjoyed walking between aisles, looking at the staff, because I had no other "comforts" in my life.
Yesterday I sticked exactly to the list. And I was quite impatient to get over with shopping and do other things planned. Sweets/cookies/, etc. department simply didn't exist for me.
Great feeling, I should say!
GT - Thank you so much for this paragraph! I think I am getting the bulb moment now. It really perfectly hit home. I've started remembering similar experiences in my life. It's like, back in the days when I was actively doing horse riding, jumping over a hurdle for the first time . Or, driving on my own for the first time - this moment of the Rubicon crossed.
As for processed food -it's quite weird in my case. I rarely eat this - I am fine with cooking and it's no big deal for me. But when I used to binge I was just "breaking bad" - like "what the heck, since I am having crap, I should make the best of it". Destructive perfectionism with extremes.
I am defining for myself processed food as something that consists of two and more ingredients processes in one. I make some allowances here because in modern world all food is processed in some way, IMHO. I mean, tuna is great food, but where I live it's rarely sold fresh, and if it is -price is quite high. So I buy it canned. Yes, it's processed, but holds more benefits than if I don't eat this at all.
I think I should just consider giving up forever all crackers, chips, etc - all the salty crunching crap. I eat this, maybe once in a few months, but when I do I break bad too. I don't think I need it at all.
And I love how you changed Jeni's dialogue with AV.
Jeni - My friend, I am the last person on this planet who would think that any kind of food "mis-bahaviour" is weird. I know way too good about "comforting" effect of food and all the emotions related. I am so glad this little girl is taken good care of!
WOW. Another Big Plan for chocolate! Real badass.
And nothing is wrong with you! I believe it's hard to kick out food habits because eating chocolate, sweets, etc as coping with stress and problems is mostly considered ok and normal in society. Like it proves that you are "human", not a machine. And its really badass path to get rid of it.
HeadLump - Hope you got yourself all armed agains AV and your groceries shopping went well))
Liferecovery - Unfortunately I don't see my therapist regularly now due to my current financial issues, and when I see we work on some other issues, so we don't discuss my binge eating. I now see another therapist to finally resolve my childhood issues. But when things get better I'll discuss it with her)
Well, another long post)
Best wishes, pals.
See you later)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Oh MB, I don't think you realise quite what a woman you are. After being told all your life that you don't need a car, your response isn't to live the rest of your time using public transport...no, when you get shot of the boyfriend, you go right out and get yourself a car! I did grin at that one. I could just see you with that set of keys in your hand sticking your fingers up at all those who told you you shouldn't. Great! So, you get the echoes of their voices ringing in your ears...so what? It doesn't stop you does it?
I just love that story.
You really sound as though you've turned a corner my friend. Doing the shopping, learning how to deal with stress in a physical way by breathing through it...wow, just wow.
Xxx
I just love that story.
You really sound as though you've turned a corner my friend. Doing the shopping, learning how to deal with stress in a physical way by breathing through it...wow, just wow.
Xxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Morning all. The AV has been non-stop apart from when I've been working. It is trying everything...
On my way home from work last night, I seriously contemplated buying some cigarettes. What is that about?!
I know from past experience that the cravings will lessen in time and the AV will be quieter so I'm just going with it. I need to just replace the idea I have that chocolate=comfort, security, safety etc etc. It is confectionary and shouldn't have any emotional link for me. It is just something to eat that is it! My brain is already searching for an alternative...honestly I'm just weird! Thank you for saying I'm not MB, but really... I gave up stuff that was killing me but this...it's just a bar of chocolate...where's the harm in that (AV!!! Yes I know!)
But yes, I will do this thing. Indeed I will.
On my way home from work last night, I seriously contemplated buying some cigarettes. What is that about?!
I know from past experience that the cravings will lessen in time and the AV will be quieter so I'm just going with it. I need to just replace the idea I have that chocolate=comfort, security, safety etc etc. It is confectionary and shouldn't have any emotional link for me. It is just something to eat that is it! My brain is already searching for an alternative...honestly I'm just weird! Thank you for saying I'm not MB, but really... I gave up stuff that was killing me but this...it's just a bar of chocolate...where's the harm in that (AV!!! Yes I know!)
But yes, I will do this thing. Indeed I will.
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by Jeni26
...I need to just replace the idea I have that chocolate=comfort, security, safety etc etc. It is confectionary and shouldn't have any emotional link for me. It is just something to eat that is it! My brain is already searching for an alternative...honestly I'm just weird!
...
But yes, I will do this thing. Indeed I will.
But yes, I will do this thing. Indeed I will.
IT would love for you to believe there is something that you must struggle to DO. Not at all. The Big Plan is DONE. You have already inflicted the fatal blow.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals.
Thank you for your kind words)
I am doing good. No sweets cravings. I still have this behavioral patterns that tend to force my actions, but now I am aware of this, and every time I fall in the old track of actions I say "Nope. No more".
You know I've pictured the Beast today in quite a different way. Usually its image comes to me as some ugly dark creature, with long hooky fingers that seize me and drag backwards to the black hole of powerlessness.
Today I saw it like a miserable beggar wearing rags, and stretching out its hand to me: "Strong beautiful lady, please, please, give me something, I am starving, I am dying". - "Sorry, jerk, it serves you right. Nothing for you here".
Jeni - How did you know?
"My brain is already searching for an alternative...honestly I'm just weird". No, no, no! You are not weird! Exactly as GT said - IT is weird. It is weird, crazy, looney and full of s&& because it comes up with an idea that a combination of sugars and artificial ingredients will solve our problems and grant us peace and relief. Really? It appeals to something that is "generally and conveniently accepted". Yes, you are making one more step (huge one) to get rid of crap you don't need. You are peeling off addiction after addiction (wine, smoking, sugars) getting closer and closer to seeing and feeling clearly your inner bright core which doesn't need any alternative of external comforting. Authentic badass Jeni can cope with it on her own!
Yes, just a bar of chocolate, where's the harm.. Oh, it's crazy to refuse every little joy of life... Yeah, yeah, been there, heard this... BS, more BS, complete BS!
Ignore the BeaSt. Try to sit for a few minutes with your uncomforting feelings. What do you feel? Is it that scary? you are going through this anxiety and discover more strength behind it.
GT - I'd like to hear your opinion if you don't mind - what do you think about a generally accepted statement that it requires 30 days to develop a new habit? I mean - in terms of AVRT - when we make Big Plan we break the habit in a certain way.
Oh, and no, I don't have neither helmet no mouth guard yet) I think it's high time to buy myself it because guys started to take me seriiously and don't hesitate to throw jabs.
HeadLump - how are you doing?
See you pals)
Thank you for your kind words)
I am doing good. No sweets cravings. I still have this behavioral patterns that tend to force my actions, but now I am aware of this, and every time I fall in the old track of actions I say "Nope. No more".
You know I've pictured the Beast today in quite a different way. Usually its image comes to me as some ugly dark creature, with long hooky fingers that seize me and drag backwards to the black hole of powerlessness.
Today I saw it like a miserable beggar wearing rags, and stretching out its hand to me: "Strong beautiful lady, please, please, give me something, I am starving, I am dying". - "Sorry, jerk, it serves you right. Nothing for you here".
Jeni - How did you know?
Originally Posted by Jeni26
I could just see you with that set of keys in your hand sticking your fingers up at all those who told you you shouldn't.
Yes, just a bar of chocolate, where's the harm.. Oh, it's crazy to refuse every little joy of life... Yeah, yeah, been there, heard this... BS, more BS, complete BS!
Ignore the BeaSt. Try to sit for a few minutes with your uncomforting feelings. What do you feel? Is it that scary? you are going through this anxiety and discover more strength behind it.
GT - I'd like to hear your opinion if you don't mind - what do you think about a generally accepted statement that it requires 30 days to develop a new habit? I mean - in terms of AVRT - when we make Big Plan we break the habit in a certain way.
Oh, and no, I don't have neither helmet no mouth guard yet) I think it's high time to buy myself it because guys started to take me seriiously and don't hesitate to throw jabs.
HeadLump - how are you doing?
See you pals)
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Oh, MB, I love the image of the miserable beggar reaching out with scrawny arms and you, no doubt with your car keys in your hand, looking down disdainfully, saying 'Nothing for you here!'
Excellent!
I'm fine here. On day 4 of BBP. AV has been pretty irritating today but I am more than equal to it! I'm reading a book on Mindfulness and telling the AV to get stuffed (instead of me!!!)
Excellent!I'm fine here. On day 4 of BBP. AV has been pretty irritating today but I am more than equal to it! I'm reading a book on Mindfulness and telling the AV to get stuffed (instead of me!!!)
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
GT - I'd like to hear your opinion if you don't mind - what do you think about a generally accepted statement that it requires 30 days to develop a new habit? I mean - in terms of AVRT - when we make Big Plan we break the habit in a certain way.
Oh, and no, I don't have neither helmet no mouth guard yet) I think it's high time to buy myself it because guys started to take me seriiously and don't hesitate to throw jabs.
I'm guessing that generally accepted statement is based on studies out there that have come up with an average time for falling into a "new habit", and I suppose 30 days sounds right. But, if you are talking about a "new habit" being ENDING an old habit, that is something else altogether. In either case, in AVRT all those studies, even just knowledge of those studies, are superfluous to how to quit for good.
I find it interesting that most recovery programs work on helping people institute new ways of life, new habits of real time and effort behavior. AVRT, on the other hand, says the idea you need certain types of new habits to replace the old habits is actually your AV talking to you. In AVRT what you DO in your future life is absolutely independent of HOW TO stay stopped. AVRT is only about one very specific thing you DON'T DO. Connecting any future behavior with HOW TO NOT DO SOMETHING as simple and obvious and deliberate as keeping something out of your mouth makes no sense in AVRT and is relegated to AV "weirdness", if I can take a word from Jeni's post. Unfortunately, the public has been bamboozled into accepting this "weirdness" as a part of recovery. Well, that idea you have to get certain "new habits" to stay stopped ODAT IS a part of being IN perpetual recovery.
So, AVRT is quite different than the Recovery Group Movement and Addiction Treatment Industry, and puts us quickly THROUGH recovery and then ON WITH and INTO the REST OF OUR LIVES by making sure that abstinence is a simple NON-BEHAVIOR (thought Recognition Technique only) that does not encroach upon the rest of our lives. Really, that's how it is with me - except for my discussing AVRT here on SR, and that discussing has absolutely nothing to do with my being or maintaining abstinence.
GT
PS: Yikes, please get that helmet ASAP.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
HeadLump - Glad you are doing fine! And love your new avatar)
GT - Thank you so much for the response. Everything you've written here makes a lot of sense for me now. Absolutely agree that replacing old habits with new ones is constant recovery. Great post.
See you all later)
GT - Thank you so much for the response. Everything you've written here makes a lot of sense for me now. Absolutely agree that replacing old habits with new ones is constant recovery. Great post.
See you all later)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
You know I'm sure I still don't understand fully the process involved, but what I do know is this system works.
I went to the shop yesterday after work. Tuesdays are my long days, I go straight out after work and don't have time to eat. Usually I go pick up a load of junk and eat it all on the way to my meditation class while I'm driving. I've been known to eat several bars of chocolate.
Yesterday I was grumpy. A difficult day at work, and then no chocolate...I walked around the shop looking for something else to lift my mood. Artificial mood altering substances....that's all I've ever sought. Right from my earliest times, way before I discovered vodka or wine or Valium or cigarettes....I've always looked for something external to change the way I feel. That little girl who stole chocolate and ate it secretly to give herself something nice when everything around her was anything but....well she/I don't need it any more.
I just KNEW I couldn't have chocolate or cookies or cake. They are just part of my past in the same way all the other negative stuff is.
I picked up a sandwich, went back to the car and set off. I just don't eat that stuff any more the same way I don't smoke any more. I don't have to be happy about it. I can be grumpy. I can miss it. But I just don't do it.
Don't know how it works, but it just does.
Thanks for your support guys.
I went to the shop yesterday after work. Tuesdays are my long days, I go straight out after work and don't have time to eat. Usually I go pick up a load of junk and eat it all on the way to my meditation class while I'm driving. I've been known to eat several bars of chocolate.
Yesterday I was grumpy. A difficult day at work, and then no chocolate...I walked around the shop looking for something else to lift my mood. Artificial mood altering substances....that's all I've ever sought. Right from my earliest times, way before I discovered vodka or wine or Valium or cigarettes....I've always looked for something external to change the way I feel. That little girl who stole chocolate and ate it secretly to give herself something nice when everything around her was anything but....well she/I don't need it any more.
I just KNEW I couldn't have chocolate or cookies or cake. They are just part of my past in the same way all the other negative stuff is.
I picked up a sandwich, went back to the car and set off. I just don't eat that stuff any more the same way I don't smoke any more. I don't have to be happy about it. I can be grumpy. I can miss it. But I just don't do it.
Don't know how it works, but it just does.
Thanks for your support guys.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals)
I am ok, still pushing myself through resistance that emerges every time I go against this "go with the beast flow", but I do not eat sweats, I do not overeat. End of story.
Jeni -
Great badass job, my friend. Oh, I could so relate to this lurking around the shop... And being the little girl in desperate need of comfort and good feelings, and little pieces of happiness... And I do not need this either any longer...
The beast would be delighted to drag me back into this emotional state of insecurity and chain to stupid poisonous substances again. No way.
Proud of you, my pal)
You know I'm glad that I've forced myself through this sugar detox, anxiety attacks all the uncomfortableness, because I'm enjoying this more and more.
This scare of "never forever" has converted into "wow. Never forever!".
I've started to feel so calm about that.
It's ridiculous how much time and space in my thinking was previously occupied by contemplating about what to eat, planning next "indulging", etc.
NO more this panic like "I have to lose weight ASAP before the New Year/Birthday/Bastille Day/Any other holiday, so I can calmly eat all this sweets, enjoy the feast, treat myself in a way it is accepted to treat myself during holidays - to eat all the "forbidden" food and, above all, to have this sweet and great feeling that I am "breaking bad", breaking routine, etc.
This time is different. No more rush, no panic, no planning "moderate binges". New Year or no, I won't eat sweets or binge. No this eternal circle of chasing my "bingeing tale" any more.
I feel so relieved.
And, pals.... Ehh... Would you bear with me if I come out here with a silly rant/revelation?
Ok, here's the deal.
I often call myself useless. Not so often now, but not that long ago I did it on a daily basis several times a day. It was one of the first thoughts that "welcomed" me in the morning and "wished sweet dreams" at night.
And though many people would disagree, I still was deadly sure about this. And I couldn't get why I keep feeling that way.
Yesterday I think I've finally got it - why I keep calling myself useless.
A little bit of back story that led to realization.
There's a gal at my fitness club. She looks like as if she just stepped out of some ad poster - model-like, tall, endless legs, perfect skin, impeccable hair, absolutely bloody great 6-pack abs, silicone breast, groomed from her pedicured toes to all-waxed body parts, and, in addition to this - 3 kids!
Yesterday we left the gym at the same time and I saw that gal approaching to her new car. My, what a car - shi-shi, glaringly bright-red sport Mercedes. When she started the engine it just impatiently roared like it was somewhere on a racing track.
Ok, what's the point here? As if someone (ok, I know exactly who) immediately materialized right behind my shoulder and started to whisper: "Look, she has 3 kids, lots of money, and looks great and seems to have time and energy to take care about everything. And what about you? No family, no kids, no money. You are... useless".
Ok. Myself minus kids, money and great looks = useless. Useless because it won't bring any profit to my birth family.
When I used to confront some situations like this, when something or someone so ruthlessly contrasted my own misery, my immediate reaction was to crawl under the blanket and drink over it/stuff with sweets. Like "I will never be that good,so WTF".
Yesterday, though, I felt mostly ok about all that. I am just myself - and in my recovery I am finally coming to terms with that not-so-perfect-Midnight. I am finally starting to feel ok about this - that's just tremendous prize of recovery.
Though, still have no clue how in the world does she manage to have so smooth and perfect skin on the belly after having 3 kids!
Funny, it is exactly the gal who approached me a few months ago in the gym and asked if I am a pro)))
Thanks for listening, pals. Lordy, who else on the Earth would listen these stupid rant about red Mercedes!
See you)
I am ok, still pushing myself through resistance that emerges every time I go against this "go with the beast flow", but I do not eat sweats, I do not overeat. End of story.
Jeni -
Originally Posted by Jeni26
..I walked around the shop looking for something else to lift my mood. Artificial mood altering substances....that's all I've ever sought. Right from my earliest times, way before I discovered vodka or wine or Valium or cigarettes....I've always looked for something external to change the way I feel. That little girl ... to give herself something nice when everything around her was anything but....well she/I don't need it any more.
I just KNEW I couldn't have chocolate or cookies or cake. They are just part of my past in the same way all the other negative stuff is.
u
I just KNEW I couldn't have chocolate or cookies or cake. They are just part of my past in the same way all the other negative stuff is.
u
The beast would be delighted to drag me back into this emotional state of insecurity and chain to stupid poisonous substances again. No way.
Proud of you, my pal)
You know I'm glad that I've forced myself through this sugar detox, anxiety attacks all the uncomfortableness, because I'm enjoying this more and more.
This scare of "never forever" has converted into "wow. Never forever!".
I've started to feel so calm about that.
It's ridiculous how much time and space in my thinking was previously occupied by contemplating about what to eat, planning next "indulging", etc.
NO more this panic like "I have to lose weight ASAP before the New Year/Birthday/Bastille Day/Any other holiday, so I can calmly eat all this sweets, enjoy the feast, treat myself in a way it is accepted to treat myself during holidays - to eat all the "forbidden" food and, above all, to have this sweet and great feeling that I am "breaking bad", breaking routine, etc.
This time is different. No more rush, no panic, no planning "moderate binges". New Year or no, I won't eat sweets or binge. No this eternal circle of chasing my "bingeing tale" any more.
I feel so relieved.
And, pals.... Ehh... Would you bear with me if I come out here with a silly rant/revelation?
Ok, here's the deal.
I often call myself useless. Not so often now, but not that long ago I did it on a daily basis several times a day. It was one of the first thoughts that "welcomed" me in the morning and "wished sweet dreams" at night.
And though many people would disagree, I still was deadly sure about this. And I couldn't get why I keep feeling that way.
Yesterday I think I've finally got it - why I keep calling myself useless.
A little bit of back story that led to realization.
There's a gal at my fitness club. She looks like as if she just stepped out of some ad poster - model-like, tall, endless legs, perfect skin, impeccable hair, absolutely bloody great 6-pack abs, silicone breast, groomed from her pedicured toes to all-waxed body parts, and, in addition to this - 3 kids!
Yesterday we left the gym at the same time and I saw that gal approaching to her new car. My, what a car - shi-shi, glaringly bright-red sport Mercedes. When she started the engine it just impatiently roared like it was somewhere on a racing track.
Ok, what's the point here? As if someone (ok, I know exactly who) immediately materialized right behind my shoulder and started to whisper: "Look, she has 3 kids, lots of money, and looks great and seems to have time and energy to take care about everything. And what about you? No family, no kids, no money. You are... useless".
Ok. Myself minus kids, money and great looks = useless. Useless because it won't bring any profit to my birth family.
When I used to confront some situations like this, when something or someone so ruthlessly contrasted my own misery, my immediate reaction was to crawl under the blanket and drink over it/stuff with sweets. Like "I will never be that good,so WTF".
Yesterday, though, I felt mostly ok about all that. I am just myself - and in my recovery I am finally coming to terms with that not-so-perfect-Midnight. I am finally starting to feel ok about this - that's just tremendous prize of recovery.
Though, still have no clue how in the world does she manage to have so smooth and perfect skin on the belly after having 3 kids!
Funny, it is exactly the gal who approached me a few months ago in the gym and asked if I am a pro)))
Thanks for listening, pals. Lordy, who else on the Earth would listen these stupid rant about red Mercedes!
See you)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Silicone breasts?? Oh yuk!
I know I wasn't supposed to but I laughed out loud at your description of that woman. She sounds a complete and utter bore to me!
How on earth can we measure ourselves up against each other? We are all so different, yet the same. I bet that woman has as many doubts and insecurities as the rest of us. Don't judge a book by its cover as they say...
You are sounding stronger every day. Proud of you x
I know I wasn't supposed to but I laughed out loud at your description of that woman. She sounds a complete and utter bore to me!
How on earth can we measure ourselves up against each other? We are all so different, yet the same. I bet that woman has as many doubts and insecurities as the rest of us. Don't judge a book by its cover as they say...
You are sounding stronger every day. Proud of you x
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Happy Friday, my badass pals, how you all doing?
My AV has been turning somersaults trying to get my attention, but I'm slowly getting wise to its tricks. 'You'll feel faint if you don't eat something right now,' it said yesterday when I was at the shop. 'Chocolate's quick, easy and NICE. Why don't you get that? And, just look, it's on special offer! There must be a message in that - it's obviously meant to be!' I told it to shut up but recognised that I was hungry so I bought some juicy apples instead! It was quiet for ages after that
It's trying other tactics today. I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and I didn't exactly look great. 'Have chocolate,' soothed AV. 'It'll make you forget all about it!' I told it to bog off, but it's still hanging about in the corner, waggling its ears and sticking its tongue out at me. Pah!
I know I shouldn't be counting days but this is day 7 of my BBP and I'm tickled pink!
Jeni I hope it's all still working for you
MB You keep ranting away! I really identify with it and it makes me feel less alone (and usually makes me smile, too)
My AV has been turning somersaults trying to get my attention, but I'm slowly getting wise to its tricks. 'You'll feel faint if you don't eat something right now,' it said yesterday when I was at the shop. 'Chocolate's quick, easy and NICE. Why don't you get that? And, just look, it's on special offer! There must be a message in that - it's obviously meant to be!' I told it to shut up but recognised that I was hungry so I bought some juicy apples instead! It was quiet for ages after that
It's trying other tactics today. I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and I didn't exactly look great. 'Have chocolate,' soothed AV. 'It'll make you forget all about it!' I told it to bog off, but it's still hanging about in the corner, waggling its ears and sticking its tongue out at me. Pah!
I know I shouldn't be counting days but this is day 7 of my BBP and I'm tickled pink!
Jeni I hope it's all still working for you
MB You keep ranting away! I really identify with it and it makes me feel less alone (and usually makes me smile, too)
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Well, I said it was waiting in the corner and not long after that post it got me! I am so mad at myself . I think it was the reflection in the window that did it. I'd been feeling pretty confident up until then
But I'm back on it now. Back being badass again. Back determined to batter that beast!
. I think it was the reflection in the window that did it. I'd been feeling pretty confident up until then
But I'm back on it now. Back being badass again. Back determined to batter that beast!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi HeadLump. Sorry that happened. Get back on track straight away. And who looks good in a shop window? Good grief, I hardly recognise myself if I accidentally catch a glimpse in a mirror. In my head I'm about 25. It still shocks me to see a middle aged woman staring back at me!
I think you might have subconsciously made that decision to binge in your first post...you didn't sound overly confident. You can do this girl!
I'm fine. Still standing strong. I had a lot of AV questioning my decision to give up choc. When GT wrote something about me never tasting chocolate again, IT had a real panic. IT has continuously tried to convince me that it is a terrible idea and that I have nothing to look forward to in life....how pathetic. I do miss it, a lot. Yeah that may be my AV though I suspect it's really me too.
But, this isn't as difficult to quit as cigarettes, I'm not having rages or tantrums...I just feel a bit bleh and that's all. My AV has just whispered that it means I'm not really addicted and can go buy some straight away!. Oh please...
Chin up HeadLump...YOU CAN DO THIS!! I know it xxx
I think you might have subconsciously made that decision to binge in your first post...you didn't sound overly confident. You can do this girl!
I'm fine. Still standing strong. I had a lot of AV questioning my decision to give up choc. When GT wrote something about me never tasting chocolate again, IT had a real panic. IT has continuously tried to convince me that it is a terrible idea and that I have nothing to look forward to in life....how pathetic. I do miss it, a lot. Yeah that may be my AV though I suspect it's really me too.
But, this isn't as difficult to quit as cigarettes, I'm not having rages or tantrums...I just feel a bit bleh and that's all. My AV has just whispered that it means I'm not really addicted and can go buy some straight away!. Oh please...
Chin up HeadLump...YOU CAN DO THIS!! I know it xxx
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by HeadLump
Well, I said it was waiting in the corner and not long after that post it got me! I am so mad at myself . I think it was the reflection in the window that did it. I'd been feeling pretty confident up until then
But I'm back on it now. Back being badass again. Back determined to batter that beast!
. I think it was the reflection in the window that did it. I'd been feeling pretty confident up until thenBut I'm back on it now. Back being badass again. Back determined to batter that beast!
Not to worry, you still have every capacity to make that once-in-a-lifetime Bulemia Big Plan.
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