Need to stop - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-10-2019, 01:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Clayton NC
Posts: 14

Need to stop


This is mostly my ramble and I apologize! Lately, I feel as drinking has gotten far away from me. I feel like I am living in a split personality. My typical day is figuring how I can have no face to face meetings at work the following day so I donít have to see anyone so I can drink that night. The reason I donít like to see anyone is I feel my eyes get extremely baggy and my face is puffy. Then I drink an entire 1/5 of Jim beam and cokes in about 3-5 hours. I always fall asleep at 9-10, partly passout but then I wake up at 2-3 am with crazy anxiety. I then say to myself; thatís it, Iím done tonight I wonít drink Itís 3:00 am now and I have been talking myself out of drinking tonight. (Wednesday night).
My meaning of split personality is I know I shouldnít drink but I justify it all the time. Recently it has gotten real bad and I am getting nervous. My life is fairly successful, most would say I am doing well but I have extremely high expectations and feel as I am not. I have a nice house, newer vehicles, both my kids have jeeps, place at the beach. In fact I came here Monday to say I need to get ready for taxes so I packed up most of my office and came here. So when I arrived at the beach on Monday at 2:00 I made a drink and watched the ocean. Then made steady drinks till 7:00 when I ate my dinner. I then ate and came in and watched a movie. I canít drink much after I eat. I was pretty buzzed but eventually the buzz wore off and I went to bed. Going to bed is scary if Iím not drunk because I will never fall asleep. Layed awake for a while watching tv. I then woke up at 3:30 am and started working on my taxes. I finished at 1:00, tried to take a nap but had crazy anxiety and instead went for a 10 mile bike ride. Came back at 3:00 and drank heavy. I drank a full bottle and then some. I feel like remember getting ready for bed but now canít recall all details. Woke up at 2:00 and went outside to make sure I locked up everything and shut everything down.

Long story art I know but I used to drink because I was able to talk with anyone, in the last couple years, I can drink and socialize, (getting fewer and fewer), but when I start drinking I really want to be alone or with my wife. She has a very good job and lately, probably because of me in the last couple years has been drinking to blackouts. However, she barely gets hungover and can go to work and have meetings all day. I have a lot of state contracts and feel as every time someone looks at me they say, ďholy ****, he lives a tough lifeĒ. I want to avoid everyone.

Every day i justify that itís ok to drink but every morning until about 10:00 am I say no more..... this crap is starting to win. I used to be able to take 30 day breaks but the most I could muster was 7 days a few months ago. I actively work out but I am stocky with a bellly. 245 pounds. I think that if I slept well and drinking didnít cause me to eat like Iíll never eat again, I am not sure if I would stop drinking. When I donít drink the nights drag on and it seems as Iíll never fall asleep and I just canít stand it. Well before I go on forever.... I hate that I have to drink to find any joy in life it seems, I canít just enjoy stuff without it. I tell GOD I am ready to go at any moment, just seems so much easier not to have to deal with it. I am not suicidal but am certainly not afraid to die of natural causes. Not sure whatís wrong with me?
Rich45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Rich45 found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Rich45 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), HTown (04-11-2019), Max74 (04-10-2019), mnjen (04-11-2019), Numblady (04-12-2019), Tetrax (04-10-2019), ThatWasTheOldMe (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 01:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
 
Gottalife's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Thailand
Posts: 6,324
Welcome Rich. If you want to stop drinking for good, this is a good place to start. Plenty of suggestions here and a good chance you will find something that will work for you.

At the end of my drinking I got a bit disconnected in a sense. I went to AA, not that I had any desire to stop the drinking, but I desperately wanted an end to the misery and I was willing to do anything to achieve that.

I jumped into the program and very quickly found a new way of living, infinitely better, in which I no longer wanted or needed to drink. Sobering up was almost a side effect .

I generally hesitate to suggest AA as a first line of attack as sometimes it is better to try a few other things first and approach AA only if nothing else works. AA was a last resort for me, and that knowledge provided a certain amount of motivation taht I might not have had if I thought I had any other options up my sleeve.
__________________
Mike.

What you most need will be found where you least want to look
All BB quotes from 1st Edition.
Gottalife is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Gottalife For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), Tetrax (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 03:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Mummyto2's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 1,835
Welcome, i can say the sleep thing will get better when you put down the bottle, lots of support here for you
Mummyto2 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Mummyto2 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), ThatWasTheOldMe (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 03:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Obladi's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: East Coast
Posts: 3,072
Blog Entries: 9
Hi Rich,

I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but am glad you've found us. Here you will find a ton of people who understand and can help support you if you make the choice to stop drinking.

Every single bit of the story you tell is familiar to me, with the exception of a drinking spouse as I have no partner at all. Yeah, the morning certainty followed by waffling followed by drinking again - that went on for years. I went on a vacation last year by myself and ended up coming home early - drinking in my own bedroom was preferable to being anywhere else. For at least the six months prior to my final quite date 29 days ago, I also avoided in-person meetings and constantly worried that someone would call me out on my boozy odor or shaking hands. My life had gradually become so small and miserable that I too had a passive (and sometimes a bit more active) death wish.

Given all that, I suspect what's wrong with you is the same thing that was wrong with me; consuming alcohol. The only way I know to resolve that is to stop drinking and stay stopped. There are lots of ways to do that. The common thread is that all of them hinge on making a commitment to taking drinking off the table as an option.

It would be a very good idea for you to go see a physician who is familiar with treating addiction. That person could help you find a way to detox safely and help with the anxiety/sleep stuff. Some people skip that step, but as a (former) chronic relapser who has quit many different ways, I highly recommend qualified medical support.

I hope you stick around here - we want to help.

O
__________________
ďNot everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.Ē

― James Baldwin
Obladi is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Obladi For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), mnjen (04-11-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 05:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Clayton NC
Posts: 14
Thank you

Thank you for the replies. I forgot to mention earlier in my post but my doctor put me on pills by my request and thatís how I was able to stop for the 30 days. Here is the biggest problem now. Every time I donít drink for 3 days I start to feel better I guess? I always seem to quit on saturdays. So Sunday I wake up and try to rest most of the day. I donít sleep good and Monday wake up and go to work. Everything you can imagine goes wrong. Drop stuff, trip, silly stuff you canít make up. Then I go home Monday night and try to stay busy so I donít think about it. When I stop working at the house I go to bed. Lay there till midnight and eventually fall asleep. Tuesday I get up and reluctantly go to work and same thing. But same silliness happens and irritable. I then force myself to stay awake until 6-7 and then lay down. Anxiety kicks in as soon as I hit the pillow and I can hardly blink no less fall asleep. I push through and Wednesday grumpy as hell. I then talk about drinking and my I drink. Wed, - sat my wife picks up a bottle at the abc store, 1/5 of Jim beam honey, capt, or something. I get embarrassed so I donít go but only once a week. Then Saturday night when I drink, I drink like it is it. Get really drunk. Saying itís my last time. My son is a marine and my daughter is a junior. I tell them today is the last day and I mean it.... (I really do). I say if I do drink again I am going to AA.
Problem with AA is I feel like I would know someone there and since my business is substantial it could be used against me in a way. I would feel embarrassed. I was going to go to a different town but shy of walking out the door I turn around and say I can do it myself. Up until the last few months I could really hide it well, but lately I been drinking 7 days a week and trying to create slow days at work. Lastly.... when I quit for that 30 days, I felt really good. Iíve quit 3-4 times before for 30 days, that was the first I needed meds. But I start to feel really good and y life just becomes work. There is no more fun left. My whole life, I am 45 has been drinking and work. I just fit everything else in. Iíve tried to drink other stuff, thatís how I switched to Jim beam and honey and cokes. Doesnít get me as drunk as capt Morgan. Maybe the honey? I think I may be just a lost cause? Itís weird, the drinking used to be with friends and now besides my wife I havenít drank with anyone else for about a year. Except after a meeting at a bar but I halt the brakes on that until they are gone or I go home. Then the real drinking starts. Really disappointed in myself. Going to try very hard not to drink from now through the weekend. Iíll e at the beach with my wife an already texted her and told her I need to relax as she heard everything all the time.....
Rich45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Rich45 found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following User Says Thank You to Rich45 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 06:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Clayton NC
Posts: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
Hi Rich,

I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but am glad you've found us. Here you will find a ton of people who understand and can help support you if you make the choice to stop drinking.

Every single bit of the story you tell is familiar to me, with the exception of a drinking spouse as I have no partner at all. Yeah, the morning certainty followed by waffling followed by drinking again - that went on for years. I went on a vacation last year by myself and ended up coming home early - drinking in my own bedroom was preferable to being anywhere else. For at least the six months prior to my final quite date 29 days ago, I also avoided in-person meetings and constantly worried that someone would call me out on my boozy odor or shaking hands. My life had gradually become so small and miserable that I too had a passive (and sometimes a bit more active) death wish.

Given all that, I suspect what's wrong with you is the same thing that was wrong with me; consuming alcohol. The only way I know to resolve that is to stop drinking and stay stopped. There are lots of ways to do that. The common thread is that all of them hinge on making a commitment to taking drinking off the table as an option.

It would be a very good idea for you to go see a physician who is familiar with treating addiction. That person could help you find a way to detox safely and help with the anxiety/sleep stuff. Some people skip that step, but as a (former) chronic relapser who has quit many different ways, I highly recommend qualified medical support.

I hope you stick around here - we want to help.

O
glad you got 29 days. I would love to have 29 days. I never got withdrawals I donít think besides super irritability and 0 sleep but I never yet got sick or shaky. Once when I took meds after I was done with them and drinking again I took the pills the morning after a bender and was so sick for about 10 hours that I canít ever think about being like that again. I would never take those pills again even though I still have refills. But usually after 10 days I start to feel better and thatís when every excuse kicks in and says why not. I can literally see one person drinking and say why canít I? It sucks. Then I drink again.
Rich45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Rich45 found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following User Says Thank You to Rich45 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 06:12 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 4,617
Hey Rich, welcome!

Well, your story is very typical. I relate. And I have concern for you because I feel you are on the edge of that precipice between minimal consequences and falling off and losing a whole lot. You know you have a problem, you drink large volume so you have high tolerance. You are experiencing withdrawal, even if it is 'mild' at this point. It is amazing how we will rationalize feeling pretty darn awful, thinking, nah this isn't that bad. But isn't it? How bad do you want to feel?

Alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse. That ambivalence between, I know I need to quit, but I'm not 'that' bad, is a dangerous place to be because denial and rationalization tend to win out. And things can get worse, fast.

Talk with your dr. Get help with detox. Make a commitment to accept that alcohol is killing you. Think about what you are allowing a 'beverage' to do to you. Accept that, like us, you will get worse over time and that the way you are living is no way to live. If you believe in God, check out AA. Maybe you'll know someone, maybe not. But if they are there, aren't they alcoholic too?

Don't let this thing take everything you have away.
entropy1964 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to entropy1964 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), mnjen (04-11-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 06:55 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Canuck76's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I was stuck in that cycle of drinking all night, go to work hungover and avoid everybody, stare at the clock until 5pm, and off to the liquor store again. Rinse and repeat. I had to check into rehab for 35 days to break that cycle which had gone on for 2 years. Have you considered in-patient rehab?
Canuck76 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Canuck76 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), WhoDeyPI (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 06:56 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 39
What you are going through is very typical and I can relate. I would suggest getting involved in AA, find a sponsor and start working the steps. For me, I had to do an inpatient at a treatment facility more than once. I currently am at 126 days without a drink and am feeling great. I had the same problems as you sleeping and now I sleep like a baby. I would highly suggest an inpatient treatment program. Insurance will pay for it most the time and you can take fmla from your job and they can't fire you. It saved my life.
CincyFin is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to CincyFin For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 08:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
WhoDeyPI's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 501
I had the same routine. Work 9-5, to the liquor store for my 750ml of vodka, drink it all, asleep/passed out by 9 or 10, wake up at 7. Go to work, avoid people, repeat. It's a hard cycle to break. Every day around 4 I would say....today I'm going STRAIGHT HOME after work, not stopping to get liquor. Then before I knew it, I was standing in line at the liquor store. Never ending nightmare.
__________________
I was told that I'm dying, but to me it feels like I'm finally living.
WhoDeyPI is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to WhoDeyPI For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 01:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Clayton NC
Posts: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by CincyFin View Post
What you are going through is very typical and I can relate. I would suggest getting involved in AA, find a sponsor and start working the steps. For me, I had to do an inpatient at a treatment facility more than once. I currently am at 126 days without a drink and am feeling great. I had the same problems as you sleeping and now I sleep like a baby. I would highly suggest an inpatient treatment program. Insurance will pay for it most the time and you can take fmla from your job and they can't fire you. It saved my life.
hopefully I am answering these questions right. I feel as I need rehab and thatís how I found this blog. I googled if self employed people can take time for rehab. Silly but desperate. I donít think I need it to quit actually drinking, I think I need it for why I drink. I rack my head around figuring why. Like everyone things happen that are good and bad but I wish I could pin point the one reason why. I played high school sports and college lacrosse and we drank. When college was done we worked our asses off and we drank our asses off. Then went to work the next day. My problem is Iím a binge drinker. I never drive when I have one beer or drink because I will never have one beer. If I drink I want to get buzzed good. If I drink one night moderately, watch out the next night. I really think Iím addicted to the hangover and not the drink. It seems like I will always drink more and more and more until I feel like **** and canít do anything. Then I can take 3 days off. I wish I could just have a couple drinks. I have 2 wet bars in my house and my man cave is set up like a bar with fooseball, darts, megatouch. I just wish I could not get wasted every time. Do you think thatís possible? Not drinking an entire fifth in 3 hours. I really donít even know how I drink so fast. Just eventually make a drink and the bottle is gone. Tried buying little bottles the 10.00 ones but when they run out I just find a way to get another. When I am a passenger on way to the beach, I drink 4-5 drinks. I have a portable bar with me. Itís freaking crazy writing this down.... wow.
Rich45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Rich45 found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following User Says Thank You to Rich45 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 01:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Clayton NC
Posts: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by CincyFin View Post
What you are going through is very typical and I can relate. I would suggest getting involved in AA, find a sponsor and start working the steps. For me, I had to do an inpatient at a treatment facility more than once. I currently am at 126 days without a drink and am feeling great. I had the same problems as you sleeping and now I sleep like a baby. I would highly suggest an inpatient treatment program. Insurance will pay for it most the time and you can take fmla from your job and they can't fire you. It saved my life.
i am self employed with some major contracts. I have said about 10 times this year that if I drink again going in rehab. Then I justify it. Remembering when I quit for short periods of times my problem is first 2 weeks drained. Then after the nights get so boring I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel like everything I do is revolves around drinking. Football games, beach, whatever. I donít have many friends where I live but I avoid people like the plague. My family actually breaks my chops about it. I have a lot of friends but they are from where I live. By no means do I feel lonely. I live on a culdsac and avoid my neighbors like you wouldnít believe, and we like each other. As soon as I feel like Iím too drunk to carry on a conversation I make sure to kill the lights. Odd..... I always felt/feel I am strong enough to quit but as someone mentioned in another message it will get worse. This year I have noticed that things I am letting fall apart. I lost contracts that were too demanding. Drinking is a full time job and my real job has become almost part time. Even though I work 40 hours a week. I used to work 60-70. I am not drinking today but think about how will I feel tomorrow.
Rich45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Rich45 found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following User Says Thank You to Rich45 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 01:37 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Clayton NC
Posts: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by CincyFin View Post
What you are going through is very typical and I can relate. I would suggest getting involved in AA, find a sponsor and start working the steps. For me, I had to do an inpatient at a treatment facility more than once. I currently am at 126 days without a drink and am feeling great. I had the same problems as you sleeping and now I sleep like a baby. I would highly suggest an inpatient treatment program. Insurance will pay for it most the time and you can take fmla from your job and they can't fire you. It saved my life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhoDeyPI View Post
I had the same routine. Work 9-5, to the liquor store for my 750ml of vodka, drink it all, asleep/passed out by 9 or 10, wake up at 7. Go to work, avoid people, repeat. It's a hard cycle to break. Every day around 4 I would say....today I'm going STRAIGHT HOME after work, not stopping to get liquor. Then before I knew it, I was standing in line at the liquor store. Never ending nightmare.
What made you finally quit? I havenít had that thing. I never got a dwi, have a great job, great kids, good wife, however we fight when she drinks to much and lately itís been a lot. I am a super happy drunk, she is not. She is miserable. Nice house, cars that kind of superfiscal crap. I feel like if I could only have drinks till I catch a buzz then stop. Last couple days I drink till I eat it then I drink even faster. I canít win. I donít think to drink faster it just happens. I catch myself drinking a glass in 5 minutes or less. 3-4 shots a glass. I try to slow it down but just keeps going. Do you think there is a way to not be like this?
Rich45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Rich45 found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following User Says Thank You to Rich45 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 02:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 144
Hi Rich
I think a person like yourself, in a way, sometimes has it tougher then someone who has hit rock bottom. I guess this is because you can justify your drinking by saying things like, you have a great job, great kids great stuff, no arrests but there is obviously a big problem.
I think seeking professional help will help you understand what you are up against and give you the much needed help to change. You have no ammunition against the "sober for 3 days, lets just have one" attitude.
You need to break the cycle, educate yourself and be involved with other people that understand you and can give you the right tools.
As you say, it's not about the actual quitting part for you, it is about keeping it that way.
Gettingcloser is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Gettingcloser For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 02:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 284
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rich45 View Post




What made you finally quit? I havenít had that thing. I never got a dwi, have a great job, great kids, good wife, however we fight when she drinks to much and lately itís been a lot. I am a super happy drunk, she is not. She is miserable. Nice house, cars that kind of superfiscal crap. I feel like if I could only have drinks till I catch a buzz then stop. Last couple days I drink till I eat it then I drink even faster. I canít win. I donít think to drink faster it just happens. I catch myself drinking a glass in 5 minutes or less. 3-4 shots a glass. I try to slow it down but just keeps going. Do you think there is a way to not be like this?
I made the mistake of thinking something external would finally make me "snap out of it" but it never came. DUIs, divorce, losing friends, financial problems, getting passed over at work, all that stuff happened to me but I kept drinking. Then I would wonder what would it take before I hit my bottom.

One night I was drinking in the dark as I did every night. Because of my tolerance I wasn't anywhere close to where I needed to be after finishing the bottle. It was too late to go get some more whiskey so I was stuck.

I had that moment of clarity that is often talked about when it comes to addiction. While sitting there I realized what I had become and how profoundly unhappy I was on the inside. Right there on the spot I decided I was finished with booze forever.

A great job, great family, cars, houses, all that stuff doesn't matter if there is something wrong on the inside. That's where you need to focus your attention.
WeThinkNot is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to WeThinkNot For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), mnjen (04-11-2019), Tetrax (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 02:22 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
lessgravity's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,111
Tough stuff my guy, like many of said it's relatable and I've been exactly where you are. All the fixings of a good life and yet there I was getting plastered, avoiding people if I could, just looking for total Oblivion is often as I could. The truth is that until you give yourself the leverage to quit permanently for good you going to end up in this horrible cycle. The only way to get out of it is to stop drinking and to get to a point where you know that you can never have another drink again it's going to be painful and it's going to hurt a lot but that's truly the only option. I was going to be a lot of pain and some difficulty getting there, but it's so much better of a life. The then you're experiencing to me is the divided self. There's a part of you that wants to be sober. Wants you to be the person that you can be. And yet there's the other part of you that wants that Oblivion. You're fighting an eternal battle against yourself. Until you remedy that he'll never be living a full and complete life.
lessgravity is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to lessgravity For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 02:36 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
TacoDude's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rich45 View Post




What made you finally quit? I havenít had that thing. I never got a dwi, have a great job, great kids, good wife, however we fight when she drinks to much and lately itís been a lot. I am a super happy drunk, she is not. She is miserable. Nice house, cars that kind of superfiscal crap. I feel like if I could only have drinks till I catch a buzz then stop. Last couple days I drink till I eat it then I drink even faster. I canít win. I donít think to drink faster it just happens. I catch myself drinking a glass in 5 minutes or less. 3-4 shots a glass. I try to slow it down but just keeps going. Do you think there is a way to not be like this?
The only way to "not be like this" i.e. perpetual binge drinking that seems to be getting worse over time is sobriety, period. So many of us here have been where you are at, where addiction begins taking over your life. That you believe you need to drink to find joy in life should be a telling sign - this is the illusory nature of progressive alcoholism.

I can relate to much of what you are saying, especially when you mentioned you have told God you were ready to go at any moment. I have felt like this as well, and is not uncommon given the vicious cycle of binge drinking and relapses you've been through.

You've done a good thing by reaching out , and there are many members here who have been able to maintain long term sobriety and have come out the other side who are leading productive, satisfying lives.

Stick around, read, and post often. This is a great community and we're here to help!
__________________
ďHope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.Ē

Jonas Salk
TacoDude is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TacoDude For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 02:38 PM   #18 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New York - Catskill Mtns.
Posts: 37,623
Rich - I'm so glad you joined us.

I was in sad shape when I came here, drinking all day. Talking things over with people who understand really helps with the anxiety. I felt all alone until I began to open up here & found the courage to change. You sound ready to take control of your life - I'm glad you see what needs to be done.
__________________
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

Hevyn is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2019, 03:23 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 14
I can totally relate too. I hid it pretty well until I started having depression and anxiety related to my drinking. I went to AA a few times with a friend because she had a DUI and I wanted to support her. I sat there with a bottle of wine in my bag thinking I can totally relate to them. Everyone I was around drinks but they can have a few and be done. I noticed as I got more depressed I didn't like drinking with others and I couldn't have just a drink. I had to have 12. My kids can drive and I noticed I drank more when they started driving because I knew I could have them take me to the store for a "snack" but really I was buying more wine to last the night. On the weekends I would binge drink with the excuse that I didn't have to work. I was still a functioning mom, wife, team parent. I was diagnosed with diabetes 15 months ago and changed my life big time. Once I found an alcohol that I would tolerate and that wouldn't mess up my numbers I slipped back in to my old habits of drinking. Went for a follow up and the liver and functions were good. If I acted a little out of my normal around my husband or kids I would just blame it on my bg's numbers being a little off. My husband likes to drink but he only does it on special occasions and he can just have one and be fine. This past weekend I drank all day every day. Even had drinks on Monday night. I woke up feeling absolutely horrible and told myself I needed a chance. My life is just passing my by and I can't remember so many parts of it. I eat good, exercise, take my vitamins and am a diet controlled diabetic. I was only on meds for a couple months. I know for sure depression led me back to drinking a lot. I am so thankful that we can all support each other here. I was feeling so alone and I was the only other one struggling. I take a small amount of diazepam when I stop drinking because its not as bad. I also know that I cannot drink alcohol on this medicine. When I was doing good and not drinking for 5 months I was also going to therapy. That was awesome for awhile. Then I felt like I was saying the same thing at every session. I stopped going thinking I was doing good and could do it on my own. I couldn't....I need to constant support for sure.
eachdayanewday is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to eachdayanewday For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), Tetrax (04-10-2019)
Old 04-10-2019, 03:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 41
Rich,

I have/had a similar story. As someone else here mentioned, sometimes it is harder to stop drinking as a high-functioning drinker. Job, house, cars, no dwi's, etc. Alcohol abuse/use is progressive.

I couldn't stop drinking when I tried. I ended up going to AA and have been there for nearly 11 months. I have learned so much from AA and reading everything I can about alcohol abuse. I haven't had a drink in 314 days and don't want one. This is a far cry from where I was before I quit. I was a daily drinker and had the same sleep patterns as you described. The sleep I get now is one of the best parts of not drinking and I don't get up at night.

Good luck.
mcconnth2017 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to mcconnth2017 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-10-2019), Tetrax (04-10-2019)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:04 PM.