Tough stuff my guy, like many of said it's relatable and I've been exactly where you are. All the fixings of a good life and yet there I was getting plastered, avoiding people if I could, just looking for total Oblivion is often as I could. The truth is that until you give yourself the leverage to quit permanently for good you going to end up in this horrible cycle. The only way to get out of it is to stop drinking and to get to a point where you know that you can never have another drink again it's going to be painful and it's going to hurt a lot but that's truly the only option. I was going to be a lot of pain and some difficulty getting there, but it's so much better of a life. The then you're experiencing to me is the divided self. There's a part of you that wants to be sober. Wants you to be the person that you can be. And yet there's the other part of you that wants that Oblivion. You're fighting an eternal battle against yourself. Until you remedy that he'll never be living a full and complete life.