I like how you say that. I feel like I am only a day away from losing everything if I don’t change. It does appear on the surface like I might not have a problem but talk to me in the dark and it’s as clear as can be. This is the first time I reached out and wrote about it. Before I just always read about it. Hopefully that much closer.

thank you you for the reply. I certainly didnt mean to sound like I have it all because I certainly don’t. It’s just when I ask people if they think I have a problem people would say no. I always had a problem I could tell. I mostly was safe but a couple times woke up places I had no idea where I was, literally a different town. I always black out, I know how to usually work it and somehow I got it down where I get into bed. Although when I wake up I wonder how I got there it’s always the same. I built an addition onto my house and it is a man cave. I made liquor bottle lights and decided to save the old liquor bottles to make lamps and etc. however, I have 100’s of empties. I haven’t been saving a long time and only the higher end stuff but I just can’t believe I can drink that much. In any event I can easily drink a fifth, mixed in 3-4 hours and wake and pass out and wake up in 4 hours with the worst anxiety known to man. Heart is beating so hard I can barely blink. I haven’t drank tonight but i am already trying to talk myself into drinking this weekend. It sucks. This reasoning I have with myself is so convincing I should be a sales guy. Lastly, I know I am depressed. Honestly, I would pull the trigger at any moment if I didn’t think I would survive and be all messed up. I am not really suicidal, just defeated. I would trade my life with a person weeks from death just to be able to enjoy what time I had left. For the things I have, I think the reason I buy and have the things I do is because they make me feel good and happy for a few days at a time. Then they are just something that I have to maintain and I feel like **** again. When I drink, every morning I shave, groom as good as possible, look the best I can, just so people would look past the baggy eyes. My eyes look identical to Vince Vaughn’s eyes. I am so self conscious. When I did t drink for the 30 days I didn’t care about shaving. Tried to grow a beard actually. Just didn’t give a crap what people thought. When I drink I care what everyone thinks. I am very sorry to rambl, every time I feel like I am done I have fifty more thoughts. This is First night not drinking in a couple weeks and feel like I have so much to say. Never wrote down my feelings before. I can see this as helpful. On another note, I wish I could only drink on weekends or only to buzzed because I am scared to death to quit for good. But when I try not drinking I am a mess by mid week. Nerves are shot. Everything and everyone sucks! During the 30 day break, with meds, I made sure I took the pill first thing when I woke up, during that time my life just seemed so blah. Besides the sleep I didn’t feel all that much better but my eyes definitely weren’t as baggy. Geez I keep going..... I ask myself all the time, is regretting drinking and feeling like **** all day worth the 4 hours of enjoyment that I get from drinking at night. Keep in mind, I am drinking in that time what most people drink in a week. Anyhow, I know the answer is no, but I do it again. If I drink this weekend I am going to go to AA Monday. Sorry to ramble.

You’re not unique , you’re an alcoholic addicted to hangovers? No you just have a built in forgetter that when you feel a little better it’s back to the races., I see a lot of thought as to why do this , I’m so successful in everything else why can’t I beat this . Been there many times . I drank the stuff because it worked then it didn’t and I didn’t know what to do.
The first thing I had to do was stop drinking and stay stopped. My brain did not function correctly it was damaged. The only thing that I could do was stop for one day then the next day and then the day after that.

Kdon, I always felt like I didn’t believe in addiction. I always felt if you want to do it more than you don’t then you will. If you don’t you won’t. Having said that it’s hard to believe that in the past couple years. Tearing up in a dr office telling him I can’t quit sucked 2 years ago. 30 days later like I never quit. Anyhow, the craziest thing I can say is and never really told my wife or anyone, is I have a battle going on in my head, I woke up this morning at 7:00, late for me on any day but through the night I woke up at the same times I would if I was drinking. Wide awake at 12:30 am and 2;30 but forced myself to go back to sleep and within minutes slept. Anyhow, the battle I have is while eating breakfast all I could think about is should I drink this weekend. I was weighing out the options and justifying to myself telling my wife I’m an opportunist and not an alcoholic. Meaning I drink when I can and the thought of alcoholism makes me feel guilty for having a good time. My wife who enjoys drinking in a scary way, meaning she can drink and she is conscious about her weight, (140 and very attractive), not just saying that, even my daughters (jumior in high school) male friends think her mom is hot. Anyhow, she drinks shots of tequila. Or she will try to have mine but is cautious cause if I run out before pass out time then she will need to have my daughter take her to the store. But she can drink to blackout, really in just the last year or so since she has been drinking liquor, but she sleeps through the night, wakes up, pukes about 10 times and goes to work all day and has meetings and everything else. Then she will just text me alcohol emojis all day and do it again. However, I notice she is starting to show signs in her face. She can hide it with makeup that I don’t have that luxury. Anyway, this battle in my head goes on all day, everyday I am not drinking. I don’t talk to myself but I think, ok, I’m drinking. Then I say no I am not. Then I call my wife and have her stop on the way home and get a bottle. I used to buy the handles but do t anymore because even if I wanted to do my best and not drink the next night, if there is booze in the house, I have no chance. I left a bottle of Jim beam at the beach so when I go Friday I am nervous. As I always do I keep telling myself this will be it so I will purposely overdue it and start fresh on Monday. If I drink on Sunday forget it. I will drink all week. Before I could drink a few beers on Wednesday. Just because I could no longer tolerate anything by that point. Those beers just took off the edge. Then Thursday I buy a plastic bottle, I think a pint, I drink that and usually not that buzzed. That’s 3 May e 4 drinks. Then go get another. Then come Friday, I am getting a handle and then some. Wow! Who knew I had so much to say. These tangents are horrible. Anyway, I will have the battle in my head and the alcohol side is much much smarter than the sober side, I can tell you that.