rayna87

I wanted to post something positive since I haven’t in awhile. I’ve had 2 rough weeks, between the thing with my uncle’s memorial and a ridiculous week of drama at work. I successfully resisted all urges to drink, but as usual, the weekends are always the toughest struggle for me, when my partying family and friends all come out of the woodworks.

Tonight I got a text from the ‘best friend’ I always refer to, the one who is probably the worst possible influence on me, but is also yet my only friend in this city I moved to who is “mine”. I’ve relied so heavily on my family since moving here, so what I mean by ‘mine’ is that she isn’t someone I met through my family, she’s someone I met on my own and created a relationship with on my own without their help. Hard to explain I guess, but that’s a big deal to me. She’s a huuuuge partier though, and has introduced me to a lot of other ginormous partners, which at one point i desperately needed in this city. But believe it or not, there is an actual friendship with her underneath our boozy brunches and multiple shots. She spent a few scary days in the hospital this past week for blood clots in her leg, and they opted not to do a surgery because the risks were too great. We were talking earlier in the week, and I was gonna go to the hospital to visit her during my lunch break one day, but she ended up getting discharged that day so I never went. She said she was going to her parents’ house to rest, but would “check in” with me Friday, today.

I almost thought she was just kinda saying that, like you know when you tell someone “we should totally hang out soon!” But don’t really mean it and never do. So when she texted me tonight “what are you up to babe”...I panicked. I started immediately coming up with all kinds of excuses/stories/things I could say I was doing, because my instant thought was she wants to go get blackout drunk. I haven’t seen her since my birthday 2 months ago, when we did precisely that, which was my last (and darn final) relapse. I steered the subject instead to how she was feeling, and she’s doing better. Then she tells me she’s going to go walk around the lake downtown tomorrow to get some fresh air, then stop in for a bite to eat at a little local place we know of (that doesn’t serve alcohol), if I wanted to join her. What’s SO funny is that I planned to not sleep in tomorrow, and get up early and go walking. Which i NEVER do. I thought I’d walk to the little strip mall about a mile away, do some shopping, then walk home. I NEVER exercise, which is another thing I’m working on, and decided tomorrow would be the day 1 start of that. It sounds silly, but I’m a big believer in signs. So the fact that I planned on doing a physical activity for the first time in practically ever, by myself....then she texts me about doing the same thing, which we have LITERALLY never done together because we were always too busy at the bar with the mimosas and the shots...it’s continuing to show me that there is so much more to life than those mimosas and shots. I cannot tell you how happy I am that I may not have to stay isolated in order to see this. I hope maybe she’s turning a corner too, after her recent health scare, even though that wasn’t drinking related. I’m hoping it’s a nice day tomorrow because this is such a pretty lake with swans, a lot of nice views of the downtown skyline, and we can get a mile walk in with one lap around. I’m really looking forward to it, and to more and more normal days ahead.

I just wanted to share some positivity to anyone who may be struggling, and to say that if I can get to the mindset I have now, anyone can. I was so far underneath the rocks of rock bottom, I can’t even begin to tell you. I now have so many things I want to try, want to start doing, want to get back to doing...things that don’t involve figuring out which liquor store I haven’t been to in awhile so maybe they won’t recognize me. The more I experience ‘normal’ life, the more I appreciate it. I can’t wait for tomorrow

fini

sounds like really lovely plans, rayna.