Class of October 2015 Part 2
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Jillybean31 
Jsbodhi- you are right- If I drink I will get drunk no doubt and tell him how I really feel lol . I am loving the sober feel so far but I think he may be having a hard time with it. He asked me if I could drink the rest of the alcohol in the house and then decide to stop because he didn't want me to waste it. really?
Thank you
Thank you
I know I have a really hard time diplomatically and sensatively asserting myself when I'm sober. I'll just pen things up and let them simmer in a soup of resentment. That triggers me to drink...and then when I do, stand back. All that resentment comes tearing out...and I assert myself in all the wrong ways. Maybe try telling him today, in a calm way, how you really feel...after you've figured out how you really do feel. I would dump the alcohol regardless of cost. Tell him the cost to your soul is far greater. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Juno
Parenting can be a trigger for me too. Couple of things I try to remember: She's the kid, I'm not...I have to control my responses to her emotional issues. If I drink, I set an example (even if she isn't aware that I drank) that the way to cope with emotions is through drinking....which of course is all I learned as a child. I have to learn new ways of coping if for no other reason than to teach my daughter a better way. You got this!
Parenting can be a trigger for me too. Couple of things I try to remember: She's the kid, I'm not...I have to control my responses to her emotional issues. If I drink, I set an example (even if she isn't aware that I drank) that the way to cope with emotions is through drinking....which of course is all I learned as a child. I have to learn new ways of coping if for no other reason than to teach my daughter a better way. You got this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
Yes, you are so right Fricka. I sure do. Fortunately she knew nothing of my binge this time as she was out the whole time I did my damage. I know that most of the times I'm triggered to drink it's because of parenting stuff. It's damn hard to be a parent and a divorced parent, even harder. I've got to work on more strategies for handling stress. I've got an appointment with a new psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and I'm really happy about that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Jillybean and help, those both sound like difficult situations to stay sober in. But you did it!! My first inclination would be to drink as well. Somebody told me a long time ago not drinking is simple, just don't drink, but it is not easy. I am so proud of you for staying strong!! 
I was watching the season premier of the walking dead last night, and at first I really missed having my bottle of wine beside me to chug from. Fortunately that feeling passed pretty quickly, and I enjoyed the episode as much, if not more, than I always do. I wanted to excitedly report that the shakiness in my hands every morning has passed, but it just came back. But it's better! Apparently for me 20 days of no alcohol is still not long enough to make the shakes go away (makes me wonder how much damage I really was doing to my body), but I'm being patient and believing it will eventually get better.
Hoping everyone has a great sober day and an awesome week!!!
I was watching the season premier of the walking dead last night, and at first I really missed having my bottle of wine beside me to chug from. Fortunately that feeling passed pretty quickly, and I enjoyed the episode as much, if not more, than I always do. I wanted to excitedly report that the shakiness in my hands every morning has passed, but it just came back. But it's better! Apparently for me 20 days of no alcohol is still not long enough to make the shakes go away (makes me wonder how much damage I really was doing to my body), but I'm being patient and believing it will eventually get better.
Hoping everyone has a great sober day and an awesome week!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by JL2014
Hey, I've got a day 2 here. Successful stopping point, I'm praying for !!!
Can I catch up with October class?
Been 1 yr since I joined. Up and down ride, but any day sober has been better than a drinking one !
Can I catch up with October class?
Been 1 yr since I joined. Up and down ride, but any day sober has been better than a drinking one !
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by grizzlybearblue
Jillybean and help, those both sound like difficult situations to stay sober in. But you did it!! My first inclination would be to drink as well. Somebody told me a long time ago not drinking is simple, just don't drink, but it is not easy. I am so proud of you for staying strong!!
I was watching the season premier of the walking dead last night, and at first I really missed having my bottle of wine beside me to chug from. Fortunately that feeling passed pretty quickly, and I enjoyed the episode as much, if not more, than I always do. I wanted to excitedly report that the shakiness in my hands every morning has passed, but it just came back. But it's better! Apparently for me 20 days of no alcohol is still not long enough to make the shakes go away (makes me wonder how much damage I really was doing to my body), but I'm being patient and believing it will eventually get better.
Hoping everyone has a great sober day and an awesome week!!!
I was watching the season premier of the walking dead last night, and at first I really missed having my bottle of wine beside me to chug from. Fortunately that feeling passed pretty quickly, and I enjoyed the episode as much, if not more, than I always do. I wanted to excitedly report that the shakiness in my hands every morning has passed, but it just came back. But it's better! Apparently for me 20 days of no alcohol is still not long enough to make the shakes go away (makes me wonder how much damage I really was doing to my body), but I'm being patient and believing it will eventually get better.
Hoping everyone has a great sober day and an awesome week!!!
Last night I still had a bit of insomnia, had a nightmare and woke up sweating like crazy.
Glad to hear your shakes are better xoxo
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by Jsbodhi
I've been here a year too, it's been quite the year, I think I've got it this time though, after a year.......
Last edited by helpimalive; 10-12-2015 at 09:10 AM. Reason: weird formatting stuff happened
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by helpimalive
Man, great job, y'all. I joined here 11 months ago, and I have only been on in small bursts. I mean, I've tried other stuff over the last year, too, but there have been several months in there where I wasn't trying anything anymore.
We can do it xx
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by grizzlybearblue
Jillybean and help, those both sound like difficult situations to stay sober in. But you did it!! My first inclination would be to drink as well. Somebody told me a long time ago not drinking is simple, just don't drink, but it is not easy. I am so proud of you for staying strong!!
I was watching the season premier of the walking dead last night, and at first I really missed having my bottle of wine beside me to chug from. Fortunately that feeling passed pretty quickly, and I enjoyed the episode as much, if not more, than I always do. I wanted to excitedly report that the shakiness in my hands every morning has passed, but it just came back. But it's better! Apparently for me 20 days of no alcohol is still not long enough to make the shakes go away (makes me wonder how much damage I really was doing to my body), but I'm being patient and believing it will eventually get better.
Hoping everyone has a great sober day and an awesome week!!!
I was watching the season premier of the walking dead last night, and at first I really missed having my bottle of wine beside me to chug from. Fortunately that feeling passed pretty quickly, and I enjoyed the episode as much, if not more, than I always do. I wanted to excitedly report that the shakiness in my hands every morning has passed, but it just came back. But it's better! Apparently for me 20 days of no alcohol is still not long enough to make the shakes go away (makes me wonder how much damage I really was doing to my body), but I'm being patient and believing it will eventually get better.
Hoping everyone has a great sober day and an awesome week!!!
Glad you enjoyed The Walking Dead, though. I need to get back into that show ... and reread the comics. I honestly probably need to start the show over, though, since I only half-remember a lot of episodes XD
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Also, yes, happy Monday everyone.
I wanted to post a thing.
A few days ago someone (I think it was nmd?) posted a link to a reading of a Charles Bukowski poem, The Laughing Heart (which is great). I missed that post at the time, so I missed my chance to talk about Bukowski, an author with whom I have what you might call a complicated relationship, and who I love to talk about.
He was a drunk, definitely, and he seems to have been unapologetic and unrepentant about it through his whole life. His writing makes his alcoholism out to be part and parcel of a kind of blue-collar, anti-establishment heroism. And that's ... well, I'm sure we could all write theses on our feelings about that kind of thing.
But then there is this one poem, just this one little poem, about not drinking. He wrote it late in life, after some serious health problems.
Here's the poem:
0000000
The Ice Cream People, by Charles Bukowski
the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight--
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint...
we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
"what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I'm going in for a walnut peach sundae?"
"come on, chicken," she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a leper in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.
I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. "you're looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while...")
--those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals...
and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other's
arms.
the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.
00000000
I just wanted to post it. I think a lot about this poem. I always had this term in my head I'd use, "open door people." That's people who don't close the doors to the rooms they occupy, it doesn't even occur to them to close the doors, because they never have anything to hide or be ashamed of. Open door people leave their papers all over their desks, and the doors open anyway, because they don't care if you read what they're writing about. A person who has always been an open door person, who did not have to learn to be an open door person, is a very special individual. Be friends with any such open door people you meet.
After I read this poem, I think of them as open door/ice cream people. They are a happy people. And I am not one of them. But I can appreciate them, and emulate them, and learn from them.
:P
I wanted to post a thing.
A few days ago someone (I think it was nmd?) posted a link to a reading of a Charles Bukowski poem, The Laughing Heart (which is great). I missed that post at the time, so I missed my chance to talk about Bukowski, an author with whom I have what you might call a complicated relationship, and who I love to talk about.
He was a drunk, definitely, and he seems to have been unapologetic and unrepentant about it through his whole life. His writing makes his alcoholism out to be part and parcel of a kind of blue-collar, anti-establishment heroism. And that's ... well, I'm sure we could all write theses on our feelings about that kind of thing.
But then there is this one poem, just this one little poem, about not drinking. He wrote it late in life, after some serious health problems.
Here's the poem:
0000000
The Ice Cream People, by Charles Bukowski
the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight--
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint...
we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
"what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I'm going in for a walnut peach sundae?"
"come on, chicken," she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a leper in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.
I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. "you're looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while...")
--those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals...
and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other's
arms.
the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.
00000000
I just wanted to post it. I think a lot about this poem. I always had this term in my head I'd use, "open door people." That's people who don't close the doors to the rooms they occupy, it doesn't even occur to them to close the doors, because they never have anything to hide or be ashamed of. Open door people leave their papers all over their desks, and the doors open anyway, because they don't care if you read what they're writing about. A person who has always been an open door person, who did not have to learn to be an open door person, is a very special individual. Be friends with any such open door people you meet.
After I read this poem, I think of them as open door/ice cream people. They are a happy people. And I am not one of them. But I can appreciate them, and emulate them, and learn from them.
:P
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by helpimalive
Also, yes, happy Monday everyone.
I wanted to post a thing.
A few days ago someone (I think it was nmd?) posted a link to a reading of a Charles Bukowski poem, The Laughing Heart (which is great). I missed that post at the time, so I missed my chance to talk about Bukowski, an author with whom I have what you might call a complicated relationship, and who I love to talk about.
He was a drunk, definitely, and he seems to have been unapologetic and unrepentant about it through his whole life. His writing makes his alcoholism out to be part and parcel of a kind of blue-collar, anti-establishment heroism. And that's ... well, I'm sure we could all write theses on our feelings about that kind of thing.
But then there is this one poem, just this one little poem, about not drinking. He wrote it late in life, after some serious health problems.
Here's the poem:
0000000
The Ice Cream People, by Charles Bukowski
the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight--
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint...
we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
"what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I'm going in for a walnut peach sundae?"
"come on, chicken," she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a leper in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.
I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. "you're looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while...")
--those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals...
and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other's
arms.
the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.
00000000
I just wanted to post it. I think a lot about this poem. I always had this term in my head I'd use, "open door people." That's people who don't close the doors to the rooms they occupy, it doesn't even occur to them to close the doors, because they never have anything to hide or be ashamed of. Open door people leave their papers all over their desks, and the doors open anyway, because they don't care if you read what they're writing about. A person who has always been an open door person, who did not have to learn to be an open door person, is a very special individual. Be friends with any such open door people you meet.
After I read this poem, I think of them as open door/ice cream people. They are a happy people. And I am not one of them. But I can appreciate them, and emulate them, and learn from them.
:P
I wanted to post a thing.
A few days ago someone (I think it was nmd?) posted a link to a reading of a Charles Bukowski poem, The Laughing Heart (which is great). I missed that post at the time, so I missed my chance to talk about Bukowski, an author with whom I have what you might call a complicated relationship, and who I love to talk about.
He was a drunk, definitely, and he seems to have been unapologetic and unrepentant about it through his whole life. His writing makes his alcoholism out to be part and parcel of a kind of blue-collar, anti-establishment heroism. And that's ... well, I'm sure we could all write theses on our feelings about that kind of thing.
But then there is this one poem, just this one little poem, about not drinking. He wrote it late in life, after some serious health problems.
Here's the poem:
0000000
The Ice Cream People, by Charles Bukowski
the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight--
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint...
we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
"what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I'm going in for a walnut peach sundae?"
"come on, chicken," she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a leper in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.
I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. "you're looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while...")
--those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals...
and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other's
arms.
the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.
00000000
I just wanted to post it. I think a lot about this poem. I always had this term in my head I'd use, "open door people." That's people who don't close the doors to the rooms they occupy, it doesn't even occur to them to close the doors, because they never have anything to hide or be ashamed of. Open door people leave their papers all over their desks, and the doors open anyway, because they don't care if you read what they're writing about. A person who has always been an open door person, who did not have to learn to be an open door person, is a very special individual. Be friends with any such open door people you meet.
After I read this poem, I think of them as open door/ice cream people. They are a happy people. And I am not one of them. But I can appreciate them, and emulate them, and learn from them.
:P
I like this one too:
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
- Charles bukowski
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by Jsbodhi
Charles Bukowski is and has always been one of my favourite writers, not for the alcoholism, but for the rawness and the glimpses into human nature and society.
I like this one too:
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
- Charles bukowski
I like this one too:
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
- Charles bukowski
And of course, his observations, his ideas about what makes a person authentic, and yes, his rawness, are what attract me to his work, and not the alcoholism. The alcoholism that runs through his work and his life is what makes me feel ambivalent about him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by helpimalive
Yes, I like that one too!
And of course, his observations, his ideas about what makes a person authentic, and yes, his rawness, are what attract me to his work, and not the alcoholism. The alcoholism that runs through his work and his life is what makes me feel ambivalent about him.
And of course, his observations, his ideas about what makes a person authentic, and yes, his rawness, are what attract me to his work, and not the alcoholism. The alcoholism that runs through his work and his life is what makes me feel ambivalent about him.
Xx
Thanks for reminding me, I haven't read him in a while!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
Wow, these poems are beautiful....I love poetry. I write it myself. Well, I used to write more in the past.
I drank last night. And now I have a better idea about things. About myself. And some things that were holding me back. And things like "it's just not fair that other people can drink and I can't" (I mean, the "normal" people who have one or two and then stop). I guess I still had a lot of jealousy and anger towards them.... and I am upset that I can't have a glass or two of wine and watch netflix. There is a moment where it does feel nice - I can relax, drink one or two glasses and feel comfy and warm and relaxed. BUT, I cannot have that brief moment without it turning monstrous. I definitely know that now. It always ends in disaster.
I don't WANT to drink. I know the hell it causes. I guess before I was still in a bit of denial. And I was in denial about being in denial....I know that it will still be almost unbearable to go through future cravings. And I also have those scared thoughts, like, well sometime in the future, even in 20 years, maybe (like someone else said) my addiction will find the right combination of things, where enough of my defenses are down, and it will HIT, and then BAM a relapse!!! That's what I'm really, really afraid of.... I don't WANT to have to live my entire life on guard, from some scary monster.
But, the alternative is to give in to it, and have a a miserable life. Life is not perfect - there is good and bad for everyone. And I guess one of my "bad's" is the having to manage this addiction. But there are much worse things out there. And yes, I have to manage other mental illness too. But I am NOT the only one to have to manage all of these things!!
I guess I've been feeling like it's just not fair. Like, because I feel it's not fair, I feel rebellious, I feel like DAMMIT, I'm gonna drink just a little to prove you wrong!! I'm going to MAKE it possible to drink normally!! And I guess I have some rage about it being so not fair... and having to deal with other life stuff.
But I have to suck it up and deal with it. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with. And I think I will find that if I don't drink, there is plenty to be happy about. Does it suck that I'll always have to deal with addiction? Yes. But other people have things that they have to deal with - things that are very, very unfair. So I'm not the only one. I just have to grow up.
I'm sure that there are other feelings/thought patterns that I will uncover, too. I want to uncover them. Because I think they are playing a part in sabotaging me. I'm going to have to explain to my therapist how bad my drinking has gotten lately (I hadn't been honest about this latest relapse - playing out as just a few nights a week, or one binge one week....because I didn't want our therapy to be all about drinking...but I guess I have to tell her this so that if we do EMDR ....I don't know....a lot more stuff is bound to come up, so... well I guess she will use her discretion on which path we should take next)
BLAH I'm done. I'm so sorry I'm a little self absorbed right now because I haven't really responded to other people here in the thread..... my mind is all over the place. And this morning I had to do damage control, and also see how much alcohol I drank from the cabinet. I'm not happy. I might have to survive the rest of this beloved month on like 8 dollars (I also ordered a pizza last night, which was 20 bucks omg wtf - just a tiny gluten free one - but this is including delivery and such)
ANYWAY. These are the consequences, huh?
And tomorrow is the anniversary of when I gave up wheat - and honestly that was HARD - it messes with the opioid receptors in my brain and was incredibly difficult to stop - harder than the last time I quit alcohol!! So anyway. I guess it's fitting that today is my first day. Just a day before. Also, it's a new moon. This is perfect timing.
Oh, and maybe I should treat giving up alcohol in the same way I treated giving up wheat; I have in my mind the date (and the exact time, actually!!) but that's it. Actually, I just had to do a calculation now to figure out it was 3 years. Aside from that, I didn't count days - that didn't make sense! I quit - what more was there to say about it?!?!?
So.......now I'm off to get ready for my family thing. Eeeeeh I feel so puffy and fat and unhealthy looking. I hope they don't really notice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I drank last night. And now I have a better idea about things. About myself. And some things that were holding me back. And things like "it's just not fair that other people can drink and I can't" (I mean, the "normal" people who have one or two and then stop). I guess I still had a lot of jealousy and anger towards them.... and I am upset that I can't have a glass or two of wine and watch netflix. There is a moment where it does feel nice - I can relax, drink one or two glasses and feel comfy and warm and relaxed. BUT, I cannot have that brief moment without it turning monstrous. I definitely know that now. It always ends in disaster.
I don't WANT to drink. I know the hell it causes. I guess before I was still in a bit of denial. And I was in denial about being in denial....I know that it will still be almost unbearable to go through future cravings. And I also have those scared thoughts, like, well sometime in the future, even in 20 years, maybe (like someone else said) my addiction will find the right combination of things, where enough of my defenses are down, and it will HIT, and then BAM a relapse!!! That's what I'm really, really afraid of.... I don't WANT to have to live my entire life on guard, from some scary monster.
But, the alternative is to give in to it, and have a a miserable life. Life is not perfect - there is good and bad for everyone. And I guess one of my "bad's" is the having to manage this addiction. But there are much worse things out there. And yes, I have to manage other mental illness too. But I am NOT the only one to have to manage all of these things!!
I guess I've been feeling like it's just not fair. Like, because I feel it's not fair, I feel rebellious, I feel like DAMMIT, I'm gonna drink just a little to prove you wrong!! I'm going to MAKE it possible to drink normally!! And I guess I have some rage about it being so not fair... and having to deal with other life stuff.
But I have to suck it up and deal with it. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with. And I think I will find that if I don't drink, there is plenty to be happy about. Does it suck that I'll always have to deal with addiction? Yes. But other people have things that they have to deal with - things that are very, very unfair. So I'm not the only one. I just have to grow up.
I'm sure that there are other feelings/thought patterns that I will uncover, too. I want to uncover them. Because I think they are playing a part in sabotaging me. I'm going to have to explain to my therapist how bad my drinking has gotten lately (I hadn't been honest about this latest relapse - playing out as just a few nights a week, or one binge one week....because I didn't want our therapy to be all about drinking...but I guess I have to tell her this so that if we do EMDR ....I don't know....a lot more stuff is bound to come up, so... well I guess she will use her discretion on which path we should take next)
BLAH I'm done. I'm so sorry I'm a little self absorbed right now because I haven't really responded to other people here in the thread..... my mind is all over the place. And this morning I had to do damage control, and also see how much alcohol I drank from the cabinet. I'm not happy. I might have to survive the rest of this beloved month on like 8 dollars (I also ordered a pizza last night, which was 20 bucks omg wtf - just a tiny gluten free one - but this is including delivery and such)
ANYWAY. These are the consequences, huh?
And tomorrow is the anniversary of when I gave up wheat - and honestly that was HARD - it messes with the opioid receptors in my brain and was incredibly difficult to stop - harder than the last time I quit alcohol!! So anyway. I guess it's fitting that today is my first day. Just a day before. Also, it's a new moon. This is perfect timing.
Oh, and maybe I should treat giving up alcohol in the same way I treated giving up wheat; I have in my mind the date (and the exact time, actually!!) but that's it. Actually, I just had to do a calculation now to figure out it was 3 years. Aside from that, I didn't count days - that didn't make sense! I quit - what more was there to say about it?!?!?
So.......now I'm off to get ready for my family thing. Eeeeeh I feel so puffy and fat and unhealthy looking. I hope they don't really notice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
I'm sorry Layali...I'll keep saying it, but nothing changed for me until I "accepted" the fact that I am an alcoholic and nothing, and I mean nothing, I could ever do or try to do would ever change that. Nothing.
Once I did...I allowed the door to open that finally allowed myself to all the possibilities...
Acceptance is the key and only YOU have it.
Once I did...I allowed the door to open that finally allowed myself to all the possibilities...
Acceptance is the key and only YOU have it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 785
Day 8...Had a horrible sleep, tossed and turned. Actually had a terrible evening. I was moody and felt like a drink. Total mood swing when I got home from work. I made dinner and went to bed. Tired this morning and still grumpy. Tuesday morning here..
Great day to you all.
Great day to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by helpimalive
I'm sorry those things are happening with your son 
That sounds crazy stressful. I have no kids, so I can't even imagine what that must be like.
Also, no, you're not the only one. It's so hard. I'm currently terrified that a craving is going to rise up and hit me like a tidal wave and I won't even know what happened, because that's happened to me before when I thought I was doing okay.
Here's one question: if you don't have time to go to a meeting (or do something else for an hour and a half or so for your sobriety), why do you have time to drink? I don't mean to be a smart ass, I just mean, maybe you could save up the time/efficiency you'd lose buying alcohol, drinking, and being hungover, and use it on something for your recovery?
I say this because I always used to say I didn't have time. You said in another thread that you can't make it past 12 days. That's exactly the number of days I couldn't make it past too! Then I tried AA, and even though it wasn't for me and I did drink again, I got 46 days. This time, I've got an extensive plan going, and I have 21 days.
I am still a tiny baby in sobriety, but it just seems to me, if you put more time and energy into it, you stay sober for longer. I'm sure other people can say wiser and more articulate things, but that's just my .2 cents worth of experience
I guess I'm just saying that old cliche, maybe you have more time than you think you do for what's important.
That sounds crazy stressful. I have no kids, so I can't even imagine what that must be like. Also, no, you're not the only one. It's so hard. I'm currently terrified that a craving is going to rise up and hit me like a tidal wave and I won't even know what happened, because that's happened to me before when I thought I was doing okay.
Here's one question: if you don't have time to go to a meeting (or do something else for an hour and a half or so for your sobriety), why do you have time to drink? I don't mean to be a smart ass, I just mean, maybe you could save up the time/efficiency you'd lose buying alcohol, drinking, and being hungover, and use it on something for your recovery?
I say this because I always used to say I didn't have time. You said in another thread that you can't make it past 12 days. That's exactly the number of days I couldn't make it past too! Then I tried AA, and even though it wasn't for me and I did drink again, I got 46 days. This time, I've got an extensive plan going, and I have 21 days.
I am still a tiny baby in sobriety, but it just seems to me, if you put more time and energy into it, you stay sober for longer. I'm sure other people can say wiser and more articulate things, but that's just my .2 cents worth of experience
I guess I'm just saying that old cliche, maybe you have more time than you think you do for what's important.
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