Class of October 2015 Part 2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 266
Layali- I get what you mean. I also feel upset that i can't drink like "normal" people. I can not just drink one or two. I drink to get drunk. Even if i say okay i will just do a couple mixed drinks, soon enough i am pouring straight from the bottle and downing shots like it's water. I guess i just have to admit i can not do that ever. I have tried regulating, look how far that has gotten me. Day for me as well,yep i did it again. I am in a bad cycle.
Anyway good luck.
Anyway good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by DaisyBee 
Today is Day 6 for me so I'm on the home stretch to finish week 1. I feel good and strong and never want to be hung over again! 
Yay! Almost one week xoxo
Good for you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 8
It has been a week since my slip. I had a good recovery clip going but I'm just feeling a bit wore down today. Everything seems to be moving at half speed. Maybe its the seasonal change considering its grey and cold here today. I think I'll just try and sleep the day away. I'm chalking today up to a blech-meh-hrmph day. No more whining from me, take it easy all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by MrMuppet
It has been a week since my slip. I had a good recovery clip going but I'm just feeling a bit wore down today. Everything seems to be moving at half speed. Maybe its the seasonal change considering its grey and cold here today. I think I'll just try and sleep the day away. I'm chalking today up to a blech-meh-hrmph day. No more whining from me, take it easy all.
Close the door, take out, Netflix and that's sum of it.
Take care of yourself xoxo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,464
I think anyone who quits needs a little faith Layali 
Anyone who drinks for a long period of time will see sober life as miserable - when you're life revolves around drinking , taking out drinking leaves a big hole.
But you need to accept that things will get better, Noone here would stay sober if they felt they lost out on the deal.
It will not always be like it is now. Early recovery is hard - but it gets better...and thats where the faith comes in.
You can trust me and be assured I'm not lying. Quitting drinking just might be the best thing you ever do for yourself
It's hard, for a while, but you're not alone
do you have a recovery plan, or are you just winging it?
D
Anyone who drinks for a long period of time will see sober life as miserable - when you're life revolves around drinking , taking out drinking leaves a big hole.
But you need to accept that things will get better, Noone here would stay sober if they felt they lost out on the deal.
It will not always be like it is now. Early recovery is hard - but it gets better...and thats where the faith comes in.
You can trust me and be assured I'm not lying. Quitting drinking just might be the best thing you ever do for yourself
It's hard, for a while, but you're not alone
do you have a recovery plan, or are you just winging it?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 29
Thank you FF233- I am going to tell him that- I am working today and tonight which is good because it gives me some distance. I am finding out that my marriage and my drinking are almost like a teeter totter with control- he controls everything- I control my drinking. That really just came to me today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Layali
Wow, these poems are beautiful....I love poetry. I write it myself. Well, I used to write more in the past.
I drank last night. And now I have a better idea about things. About myself. And some things that were holding me back. And things like "it's just not fair that other people can drink and I can't" (I mean, the "normal" people who have one or two and then stop). I guess I still had a lot of jealousy and anger towards them.... and I am upset that I can't have a glass or two of wine and watch netflix. There is a moment where it does feel nice - I can relax, drink one or two glasses and feel comfy and warm and relaxed. BUT, I cannot have that brief moment without it turning monstrous. I definitely know that now. It always ends in disaster.
I don't WANT to drink. I know the hell it causes. I guess before I was still in a bit of denial. And I was in denial about being in denial....I know that it will still be almost unbearable to go through future cravings. And I also have those scared thoughts, like, well sometime in the future, even in 20 years, maybe (like someone else said) my addiction will find the right combination of things, where enough of my defenses are down, and it will HIT, and then BAM a relapse!!! That's what I'm really, really afraid of.... I don't WANT to have to live my entire life on guard, from some scary monster.
But, the alternative is to give in to it, and have a a miserable life. Life is not perfect - there is good and bad for everyone. And I guess one of my "bad's" is the having to manage this addiction. But there are much worse things out there. And yes, I have to manage other mental illness too. But I am NOT the only one to have to manage all of these things!!
I guess I've been feeling like it's just not fair. Like, because I feel it's not fair, I feel rebellious, I feel like DAMMIT, I'm gonna drink just a little to prove you wrong!! I'm going to MAKE it possible to drink normally!! And I guess I have some rage about it being so not fair... and having to deal with other life stuff.
But I have to suck it up and deal with it. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with. And I think I will find that if I don't drink, there is plenty to be happy about. Does it suck that I'll always have to deal with addiction? Yes. But other people have things that they have to deal with - things that are very, very unfair. So I'm not the only one. I just have to grow up.
I'm sure that there are other feelings/thought patterns that I will uncover, too. I want to uncover them. Because I think they are playing a part in sabotaging me. I'm going to have to explain to my therapist how bad my drinking has gotten lately (I hadn't been honest about this latest relapse - playing out as just a few nights a week, or one binge one week....because I didn't want our therapy to be all about drinking...but I guess I have to tell her this so that if we do EMDR ....I don't know....a lot more stuff is bound to come up, so... well I guess she will use her discretion on which path we should take next)
BLAH I'm done. I'm so sorry I'm a little self absorbed right now because I haven't really responded to other people here in the thread..... my mind is all over the place. And this morning I had to do damage control, and also see how much alcohol I drank from the cabinet. I'm not happy. I might have to survive the rest of this beloved month on like 8 dollars (I also ordered a pizza last night, which was 20 bucks omg wtf - just a tiny gluten free one - but this is including delivery and such)
ANYWAY. These are the consequences, huh?
And tomorrow is the anniversary of when I gave up wheat - and honestly that was HARD - it messes with the opioid receptors in my brain and was incredibly difficult to stop - harder than the last time I quit alcohol!! So anyway. I guess it's fitting that today is my first day. Just a day before. Also, it's a new moon. This is perfect timing.
Oh, and maybe I should treat giving up alcohol in the same way I treated giving up wheat; I have in my mind the date (and the exact time, actually!!) but that's it. Actually, I just had to do a calculation now to figure out it was 3 years. Aside from that, I didn't count days - that didn't make sense! I quit - what more was there to say about it?!?!?
So.......now I'm off to get ready for my family thing. Eeeeeh I feel so puffy and fat and unhealthy looking. I hope they don't really notice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I drank last night. And now I have a better idea about things. About myself. And some things that were holding me back. And things like "it's just not fair that other people can drink and I can't" (I mean, the "normal" people who have one or two and then stop). I guess I still had a lot of jealousy and anger towards them.... and I am upset that I can't have a glass or two of wine and watch netflix. There is a moment where it does feel nice - I can relax, drink one or two glasses and feel comfy and warm and relaxed. BUT, I cannot have that brief moment without it turning monstrous. I definitely know that now. It always ends in disaster.
I don't WANT to drink. I know the hell it causes. I guess before I was still in a bit of denial. And I was in denial about being in denial....I know that it will still be almost unbearable to go through future cravings. And I also have those scared thoughts, like, well sometime in the future, even in 20 years, maybe (like someone else said) my addiction will find the right combination of things, where enough of my defenses are down, and it will HIT, and then BAM a relapse!!! That's what I'm really, really afraid of.... I don't WANT to have to live my entire life on guard, from some scary monster.
But, the alternative is to give in to it, and have a a miserable life. Life is not perfect - there is good and bad for everyone. And I guess one of my "bad's" is the having to manage this addiction. But there are much worse things out there. And yes, I have to manage other mental illness too. But I am NOT the only one to have to manage all of these things!!
I guess I've been feeling like it's just not fair. Like, because I feel it's not fair, I feel rebellious, I feel like DAMMIT, I'm gonna drink just a little to prove you wrong!! I'm going to MAKE it possible to drink normally!! And I guess I have some rage about it being so not fair... and having to deal with other life stuff.
But I have to suck it up and deal with it. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with. And I think I will find that if I don't drink, there is plenty to be happy about. Does it suck that I'll always have to deal with addiction? Yes. But other people have things that they have to deal with - things that are very, very unfair. So I'm not the only one. I just have to grow up.
I'm sure that there are other feelings/thought patterns that I will uncover, too. I want to uncover them. Because I think they are playing a part in sabotaging me. I'm going to have to explain to my therapist how bad my drinking has gotten lately (I hadn't been honest about this latest relapse - playing out as just a few nights a week, or one binge one week....because I didn't want our therapy to be all about drinking...but I guess I have to tell her this so that if we do EMDR ....I don't know....a lot more stuff is bound to come up, so... well I guess she will use her discretion on which path we should take next)
BLAH I'm done. I'm so sorry I'm a little self absorbed right now because I haven't really responded to other people here in the thread..... my mind is all over the place. And this morning I had to do damage control, and also see how much alcohol I drank from the cabinet. I'm not happy. I might have to survive the rest of this beloved month on like 8 dollars (I also ordered a pizza last night, which was 20 bucks omg wtf - just a tiny gluten free one - but this is including delivery and such)
ANYWAY. These are the consequences, huh?
And tomorrow is the anniversary of when I gave up wheat - and honestly that was HARD - it messes with the opioid receptors in my brain and was incredibly difficult to stop - harder than the last time I quit alcohol!! So anyway. I guess it's fitting that today is my first day. Just a day before. Also, it's a new moon. This is perfect timing.
Oh, and maybe I should treat giving up alcohol in the same way I treated giving up wheat; I have in my mind the date (and the exact time, actually!!) but that's it. Actually, I just had to do a calculation now to figure out it was 3 years. Aside from that, I didn't count days - that didn't make sense! I quit - what more was there to say about it?!?!?
So.......now I'm off to get ready for my family thing. Eeeeeh I feel so puffy and fat and unhealthy looking. I hope they don't really notice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I am so pissed off that I can't have wine and watch Netflix too!! I totally get it. I am so pissed off at a lot of things with this disease. But. we can do it because sober tomorrow is going to be so much better then hangover-drink-repeat tomorrow.
Slowly new things will fill our lives taking place of our addict patterns.
So glad we are in the class of October 15
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
Just checking in , heading to bed on day 4. I'm reading everyone's posts and so appreciate this group just not much time to post this week, every night is filled up with something after work.
But, that's a good thing, no time to drink. Even if I think about it, I'd have to do magic to make it happen. It's good but it also means that things will settle down by Friday and I will feel "deserving".
But worrying about that won't do me any good now. One day at a time. And now I feel good, in control and levelheaded. I swear, drinking just turns me into such a mess. The actual drinking and then the fogginess and weariness the next day. Why? Such a waste of time.
Stay strong group
But, that's a good thing, no time to drink. Even if I think about it, I'd have to do magic to make it happen. It's good but it also means that things will settle down by Friday and I will feel "deserving".
But worrying about that won't do me any good now. One day at a time. And now I feel good, in control and levelheaded. I swear, drinking just turns me into such a mess. The actual drinking and then the fogginess and weariness the next day. Why? Such a waste of time.
Stay strong group
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
I had an awful day. So many things went wrong. But I didn't drink over them. I'm learning.... instead of drinking, I got in bed at around 5:00 pm and rested. Fell asleep for about an hour and it helped me to feel better. May tomorrow be a better day (but least I made it sober!)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Haha, Help, that reminds me of me watching the walking dead last night. I watched every episode religiously, a lot of them numerous times, but I was always drunk. So last night sober me was like, "I vaguely remember that happening...kinda...I think...".
Thank you for the poems! That was some interesting insight.
I'm pretty happy today. Usually that would scare me then I would proceed to sabotage the s**t outta myself. For a long time I was afraid of being happy. I would think, "no, you're not really that happy, you gotta take it down a few notches" (maybe it was more of a subconscious thought, but it was there). I figured my happiness was very fleeting g so I had better not get used to it. So in order to not get used to it, I'd sabotage happiness at its earliest onset. I'm feeling pretty good lately though, and I've decided to just enjoy the ride. I know I'm not always going to have happy days, and my days won't always be easy, but for today, "I'm riding the highs, I'm digging the lows cuz at least I feel alive" (Michelle Branch).
Thank you for the poems! That was some interesting insight.
I'm pretty happy today. Usually that would scare me then I would proceed to sabotage the s**t outta myself. For a long time I was afraid of being happy. I would think, "no, you're not really that happy, you gotta take it down a few notches" (maybe it was more of a subconscious thought, but it was there). I figured my happiness was very fleeting g so I had better not get used to it. So in order to not get used to it, I'd sabotage happiness at its earliest onset. I'm feeling pretty good lately though, and I've decided to just enjoy the ride. I know I'm not always going to have happy days, and my days won't always be easy, but for today, "I'm riding the highs, I'm digging the lows cuz at least I feel alive" (Michelle Branch).
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by needtostopthis
You are so right and no i don't think your being a smart ass at all. I also ask myself the same question. If i don't have time to go to a meeting how do i have time to drink? My only answer to this, it is all excuses. I am full of excuses. Any excuse to drink ya know. Thanks for your honesty and help.
I find that when I do everything I can on my "sobriety maintenance" checklist for the day, I feel like a different person than on days when I don't. I feel like a person who's got something to lose. It is possible that this is only because I have a list-loving brain (I totally do), and that it wouldn't help anyone else, but that's my experience :p
That's just a thought
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by Layali
Wow, these poems are beautiful....I love poetry. I write it myself. Well, I used to write more in the past. I drank last night. And now I have a better idea about things. About myself. And some things that were holding me back. And things like "it's just not fair that other people can drink and I can't" (I mean, the "normal" people who have one or two and then stop). I guess I still had a lot of jealousy and anger towards them.... and I am upset that I can't have a glass or two of wine and watch netflix. There is a moment where it does feel nice - I can relax, drink one or two glasses and feel comfy and warm and relaxed. BUT, I cannot have that brief moment without it turning monstrous. I definitely know that now. It always ends in disaster. I don't WANT to drink. I know the hell it causes. I guess before I was still in a bit of denial. And I was in denial about being in denial....I know that it will still be almost unbearable to go through future cravings. And I also have those scared thoughts, like, well sometime in the future, even in 20 years, maybe (like someone else said) my addiction will find the right combination of things, where enough of my defenses are down, and it will HIT, and then BAM a relapse!!! That's what I'm really, really afraid of.... I don't WANT to have to live my entire life on guard, from some scary monster. But, the alternative is to give in to it, and have a a miserable life. Life is not perfect - there is good and bad for everyone. And I guess one of my "bad's" is the having to manage this addiction. But there are much worse things out there. And yes, I have to manage other mental illness too. But I am NOT the only one to have to manage all of these things!! I guess I've been feeling like it's just not fair. Like, because I feel it's not fair, I feel rebellious, I feel like DAMMIT, I'm gonna drink just a little to prove you wrong!! I'm going to MAKE it possible to drink normally!! And I guess I have some rage about it being so not fair... and having to deal with other life stuff. But I have to suck it up and deal with it. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with. And I think I will find that if I don't drink, there is plenty to be happy about. Does it suck that I'll always have to deal with addiction? Yes. But other people have things that they have to deal with - things that are very, very unfair. So I'm not the only one. I just have to grow up. I'm sure that there are other feelings/thought patterns that I will uncover, too. I want to uncover them. Because I think they are playing a part in sabotaging me. I'm going to have to explain to my therapist how bad my drinking has gotten lately (I hadn't been honest about this latest relapse - playing out as just a few nights a week, or one binge one week....because I didn't want our therapy to be all about drinking...but I guess I have to tell her this so that if we do EMDR ....I don't know....a lot more stuff is bound to come up, so... well I guess she will use her discretion on which path we should take next) BLAH I'm done. I'm so sorry I'm a little self absorbed right now because I haven't really responded to other people here in the thread..... my mind is all over the place. And this morning I had to do damage control, and also see how much alcohol I drank from the cabinet. I'm not happy. I might have to survive the rest of this beloved month on like 8 dollars (I also ordered a pizza last night, which was 20 bucks omg wtf - just a tiny gluten free one - but this is including delivery and such) ANYWAY. These are the consequences, huh? And tomorrow is the anniversary of when I gave up wheat - and honestly that was HARD - it messes with the opioid receptors in my brain and was incredibly difficult to stop - harder than the last time I quit alcohol!! So anyway. I guess it's fitting that today is my first day. Just a day before. Also, it's a new moon. This is perfect timing. Oh, and maybe I should treat giving up alcohol in the same way I treated giving up wheat; I have in my mind the date (and the exact time, actually!!) but that's it. Actually, I just had to do a calculation now to figure out it was 3 years. Aside from that, I didn't count days - that didn't make sense! I quit - what more was there to say about it?!?!? So.......now I'm off to get ready for my family thing. Eeeeeh I feel so puffy and fat and unhealthy looking. I hope they don't really notice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Not wanting to drink can be so visceral sometimes. It can be as visceral as wanting to drink is other times. I find it hard to recall that feeling of not wanting to drink, though. It takes work for me to remind myself of it sometimes. I go back sometimes and read old posts of my own from after I drank or when I was drinking. This one you just wrote is a gem of that kind
All so true, and so hard to remember. And it was me who wrote about my addiction finding the right "combination" of things to get at me some day, no matter how I prepare. I've been thinking more about that fear, and about the fact that Dee's response to it was to send me a link of ways to deal with cravings. I think, maybe, that I am going to try to have faith that the likelihood of such a tidal wave overtaking me will decrease as time goes on. I have to believe that :/
I also totally relate to being jealous of those who can drink. I agree with your conclusion too: Yeah, it's something some people get to enjoy that I don't, but that's okay. There are plenty of things plenty of people have that I'll never have, and plenty of things I have that some other people never will. That's life. It's just my addiction that makes this seem so much more weighty.
Great post
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by helpimalive
If you know it, make a plan to fight it! Make a sobriety plan in spite of yourself. Make it and start to do the things on it, whether you believe in them or not. Tell yourself you believe these things can lead you to a better, sober life, and tell yourself that doing anything other than taking action is smoke and mirrors (because it is), and see if you start to mean it.
I find that when I do everything I can on my "sobriety maintenance" checklist for the day, I feel like a different person than on days when I don't. I feel like a person who's got something to lose. It is possible that this is only because I have a list-loving brain (I totally do), and that it wouldn't help anyone else, but that's my experience :p
That's just a thought
I find that when I do everything I can on my "sobriety maintenance" checklist for the day, I feel like a different person than on days when I don't. I feel like a person who's got something to lose. It is possible that this is only because I have a list-loving brain (I totally do), and that it wouldn't help anyone else, but that's my experience :p
That's just a thought
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