Class of October 2015 Part 2
 

we continue from here :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2015-a-21.html

D

love this thread!!!!!!!!!

I know, Sydneyman --- pretty wonderful to find such a great bunch of people!

Hi, October peeps! I am going out for a work dinner tonight and I asked my colleague if she wanted to take a walk before we eat (we've been in a conference room all day) and suggested a health food place that doesn't have alcohol. She agreed! Score. :)

That's awesome, beeme! :)

I've been having a hard time getting back on track and putting the drink down. After a rough night last night, I'm here to try again. Just telling on myself. I've got to get off the fence and decide once and for all I'm done drinking.

Hey all, just lost a long post. That actually said, I'm here admitting I drank a bit today. No excuses, my bad choice, again. I feel like such a loser, again, after all my attempts at sober. What can I say? But I wanted to tell on myself, because accountablity is important to me.

Where to go from here? Well, day one is coming around, once again. Had too many of those. But, I'm going to keep at it. There's nothing left, unless I keep trying. That's it in a nutshell. I'm not asking for sympathy at all. I have resourses, and plans. And I have used them. It really comes down to me, and the choices I make. Today was a bad choice.

Proud of this class. Everyone is doing great. Will be around. Keep on fighting all. The alternative just isn't worth it.

Hey Max and Rio - welcome back :)

I think whenever we drink again we need to look at our plan -= and we need to look at how we implement it. The best plan in the world is not worth much if we never use it.

Why do you guys think reaching out here or elsewhere before you drink is so difficult?

Are there ways you could get around that?

D

Thanks much Dee. You are right.

I have AA meetings, I have countless numbers to call. I have the support here, as well. I do want to quit drinking, for good. And all the support helps. For me, when I get that crazy urge to drink, there is no talking me out of it. Hell or highwater. Its just that way with me. There must be something really lacking in me though, cause these things work for others.

I guess the bottom line seems to be, I really don't want to quit? My rational mind says yes, my body says yes. I can't believe how often I keep failing. Its tiresome, to say the least.

I think staying sober means to me, in my life, everything else has to change up. That in itself, is going to be the key, for me, I know. And I still can't seem to come to terms, with my life. So, I need much to change I think.

Thanks Dee. I'm going to continue to keep working on it.

I don't believe that :)

I can believe that you might be scared of change, or that you might doubt that you can quit, or that you convince yourself in the heat of the moment that it doesn't matter anyway, or you just want to escape & you haven't yet figured out working alternatives to deal with that visceral desire that a craving for drink produces

But I don't think you're not ready :)

D

Rio and max, we are in the same boat. I keep telling myself that this has to be the time I learn. And Dee is so right- all the plans we have in place are useless if we don't use them. I mean- sometimes I do- that's how I've been able to string together weeks at a time. But it needs to be every time or else we are going to keep having day ones.

Key- thank you for your post. I totally admit that I cannot drink, that I have developed and addiction to alcohol, that it is terrible for my mind, body and soul. I know that I have been lucky And if I don't put and end to it, it will eventually get worse and start impacting my life in heartbreaking and embarrassing ways. I think what I need to work on is crossing that bridge from admitting it to accepting it.

I am looking forward to a good sober sleep after four nights of horrible alcohol induced sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to work on a notebook- something I can turn to, besides SR- when my mind is screaming at me that it's ok to drink.

I'm glad to be here with all of you. 59 is a good size group and it just keeps growing. Hope it stays that way :)

It's definitely hard. I had serious wine cravings both last night and and tonight. Coming on one week sober so I think it's my AV lashing out at me. I got through last night my resting in child's pose before going out to the wine shop (and changing my mind) and I'm getting through tonight because I have a yoga event lined up from 8-10 pm. I seem to struggle on weeknights near the end of the week when the pressure builds. Some days it's one day at a time. I hope it will get easier.

Dee, you are right on all accounts. I've been beyond ready, for too long. I'm afraid of the changes, I'm afraid of me. I have to work through all this. I just don't know how to proceed from this point.

If support doesn't help, and I can't stop on my own, what else is left? I truly believe for me, it must come from deep within myself. How do I get that?

Thanks much fabl. This is hard, to say the least. I'm using support, but like you said, I need to do it more. I've been to meetings, I talk to people, I use SR. Perhaps its not enough for me?

I know all about alcohol, what I learned from myself, from AA, from living with my alcoholic Dad growing up. Its really acceptance, I know. And I do accept these facts about myself. And I know the outcome. I know all this, and know the outcome, but I still continue to repeat the never ending cycle. Most people get smart, and some finally get it. How much does it take to get to that point?

Some people never recover. I don't want to be one of those.

I had to be really tough on myself. I had to remove drinking as a viable option.

I knew change only comes from change and at that point in my life lasting complete abstinence was the most obvious change I could make.

Some days I really wanted a beer - I kicked the wall, screamed into my pillow, ran around the block, posted here.

Somedays I didn't want to make the effort, I didn't want to ask for help, I didn't want to fight...

but I knew if I wanted a different outcome I needed to change my behavior.

Gradually not drinking become easier - and everytime I dealt with something by not drinking over it, I grew a little more and moved a little further away from the old ways of doing things..

I'll admit it wasn't always pretty but I got through to fight another day

It's hard and I'm sorry there's not a easier way and I'm especially sorry if it sounds hardass or dismissive of the task, but thats the bottom line - if you want change, don't drink no matter what.

D

Well, enough said for tonite. I'm going to keep trying, pushing ahead. Thanks everyone for listening, and being supportive. It means so much to me.

Max and Rio- The only failure I think you both should be worried about is if you fail to want to quit. It took me two years of AA and rehab to get any discernible time under my belt. Now I have 6 days after being sober a year. Something didn't work for me, now I have to sit back and find it. I've constantly joked that I could talk myself into anything. My slip occurred because I was stressed, lonely, tired, and in a place where no one who cares about me would find out. It was the perfect storm so I drank and I regret it. Now in retrospect if I had addressed even one of those things that was bothering me I would have had a better chance of abstaining. Instead I chose a chemical lobotomy. I feel stronger today to deal with relapses and slips than I did a few years ago because I learned some tools from AA and rehab and I learned not to let regret eat me alive. I'm pulling for both of you. Just don't quit trying. You are not broken just stuck in a loop.:You_Rock_

Thanks Dee, that is the truth of it. I appreciate your honesty, and I agree 100% on what you said. Its my life, my choice. No matter what. I have to do this for myself, and nobody can do it for me, except me.

Thanks Mr Muppet. I know Im not in a good place, but even after all my struggles, I still have hope. Thank you so much for sharing. I would not be here, or even tryin again, if I didnt. Yes, ive been broken, but Im not dead yet. There is always hope.

Im not sure if Im going to keep on sharing in this forum. Obviously, online hasnt worked for me in the past, and isnt working now. Its a great tool, maybe not the answer for me at this point. And Ive tried. Got to change things up, try different approaches to my journey. Thanks everyone for the support.