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Old 04-16-2015, 04:53 PM
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Congrats on 10 days ZaB

D
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Old 04-16-2015, 08:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Congrats on 10 days ZaB D
Ta Dee.
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Old 04-16-2015, 10:35 PM
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Hi all,

Well it is the start of day eleven for me. I am now two days into double digits. Is someone had told me this eleven days ago, I would have either laughed openly in their face or hurled on them. Considering how I was feeling at the time, I would have to say it would be the latter.

Before I tell you where I am today, I am just going to summarise the vitamin schedule I am taking as I believe that it has played a huge role in getting me this far with as minimal discomfort as was possible.

1 x B12 vitamin tablet, morning and evening
1 x Milkthistle tablet, morning and evening
1 x Liver revitalisation tablet, morning and evening
1 x Multivitamin tablet, morning only

All these tablets are taken just before I eat. Apparently you are not supposed to take them on an empty stomach.

I try to eat fruit, although I am not a fruit fan. I eat apples and grapes. I am going to add bananas to this as per an earlier posters suggestion.

So where do I find myself this morning.

Physically I am tired. I took the beta-sleep an hour before I wanted to sleep. Two hours later I was still awake. I did manage to get about five hours uninterrupted sleep in. I awoke before the alarm clock again. I cannot comment whether the beta-sleep worked or not. I will skip it tonight and see if I have the insomnia. If I do, then I know that the tablet helps. I am a bit wary of getting any prescription drugs as I feel I might just swap one addiction for the next. The only WD symptoms I am left with are the headaches, the shaking hands, the burning sensation under my skin down the side of my face and the insomnia. Each one of these symptoms is slowly releasing their grip on me and lessening day by day. I also find that I have a slight bounce to my step now. This is very pleasing to me. It is like a "go and get it" energy.

Mentally. Well this is the one facet of me that I feel has come along in leaps and bounds. I think along with the physical facet, this one heals quite quickly. Initially, you notice the physical side more, but slowly your brain makes itself known. I find that my reasoning is becoming clearer and sharper. I don't always like what it tells me and I need to learn how to deal with it sober. I am not always sure whether it is my own mind or the AV playing tricks. I suspect though, that it is my own mind trying to tell me things that I have suppressed with drink. Logic returns with its own deadly force. Clarity, concentration and comprehension grow in leaps and bounds. I have not been much a people person the last few years, especially with the drink, but I am finding that I enjoy conversing with my colleagues. It need not always be about work. It might be about what they are brewing, their kids sports events or the golf game that they plan on playing that afternoon. So many things out there that I merely just took for granted while drinking.

That leaves the emotional state of today. I am not as melancholy as the last few days. This is a welcome reprise for me as I need to find a strategy to deal with those feelings. I have received some great suggestions for books and I have bought all of them. Most of them motivational, some self help. I appreciate this as I am not one that can really converse with anyone about my problems unless they are close to me. I am looking forward to reading some of these books over the weekend, hopefully I can find something in them that will give my match to strike. I can only reiterate what I have said earlier. As you move along the path of your sobriety, your emotions are going to return. They are going to be much more intense than when we were drinking. It is our duty to ourselves to face these emotions sober and to deal with them in a sober manner.

Well it is Friday. I do have to make it through this work day to get to the weekend. I am looking forward to the weekend. I have some things to do around the house. I reckon if I finish them off tomorrow, I can have a lazy Sunday.

As an aside, I managed to go to a restaurant the other night for dinner. I phoned ahead and asked them if they had NA beer which they confirmed that they did. What a strange way of dealing with things - phone ahead to see if you have NA beer otherwise I cannot come to your establishment. I suppose that it is the paranoia of the early days of recovery.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-17-2015, 01:25 PM
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Hi all,

Well it is the end of day eleven for me. I have managed to make it to my second sober weekend.

Physically it has been a tiring day. I have been feeling fatigued since 14:00 today. This is to be expected with the minimal sleep I have had since I stopped drinking. I am not going to take the beta-sleep tonight as I wish to see how my sleep will be without them. I am also not going to drink the camomile tea. The usual ailments are still with me - headache, slight hand shakes, burning sensation under the skin and fatigue.

Mentally it has been a good day. Even being fatigued has not interfered with my concentration or my ability to do my work. I suspect that the mental sharpening is going to slow down too now. I find that I am paying more attention to people around me and what they are saying. I don't mean like deliberately eavesdropping, I just listen to what I overhear. Makes for interesting mental exercises.

Emotionally, I am in a good place this evening. I am pleasantly tired and look forward to a good evenings sleep. I can't wait to start reading the books that I bought. In fact I am positively exited to start in my quest for self healing. No demons riding me today.

All in all it has been a good day. Appetite is still good. I am hoping for a good sleep tonight. God knows I need it after the last eleven days.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-17-2015, 01:50 PM
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Well done ZaB, inspiring
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Old 04-17-2015, 02:36 PM
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I zab, I would try and address the insomnia, that's a big deal in my opinion. Sound sleep is a top priority, and once you achieve that I think you are off and running.

At the same time, I understand your wife put some space between you two and I can't imagine how much stress and possibly insomnia that would cause. I wish you well. Keep posting I find it motivational and quite frankly awe inspiring.
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Old 04-17-2015, 11:33 PM
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Originally Posted by saoutchik View Post
Well done ZaB, inspiring
Ta saotchick - one day at a time mate
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Old 04-17-2015, 11:34 PM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
I zab, I would try and address the insomnia, that's a big deal in my opinion. Sound sleep is a top priority, and once you achieve that I think you are off and running.

At the same time, I understand your wife put some space between you two and I can't imagine how much stress and possibly insomnia that would cause. I wish you well. Keep posting I find it motivational and quite frankly awe inspiring.
Ta Thomas, I didn't really want to address this on a public forum, but seeing as I am being honest, I will address it in this mornings post.

Cheers

ZAB
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Old 04-18-2015, 12:42 AM
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Hi all,

Well it is the start of day twelve for me. It is a very overcast morning here in SA. We don't always have sun shine.

Physically I am a bit tired. I did not take the beta-sleep last night. I managed to fall asleep just fine. I had a few convulsions before dropping off. I would like to just clarify these convulsions before I go on. I call them convulsions - other people call them seizures. Now we are on the same page. I managed to get a good five hours sleep in. I somehow seem to wake at the same time every morning regardless. I think this has to do with years of habit and so my body is just used to waking up at that time. I had my normal headache this morning. The hand shakes are barely noticeable. The burning under the skin is still there, but does not bother me at this stage. I am famished, as usual.

Mentally I feel sharp and focused. I was listening to some songs on youtube and was able to recall all the lyrics. These are songs that I have not heard in years. So the memory is definitely coming back.

Emotionally I feel calm today. I feel neither here nor there. I do not know what the day holds so I cannot comment yet on whether it will see-saw or yo-yo all over the place. I suspect that it wont.

Seeing as I am being honest on this post, as I have been with all the others, I think I have to address some issues. Reading back over this weeks posts I know some of them seem a bit discordant and don't make much sense. I suppose some of them seem to imply that I have become unhinged and am hanging on by a thread. Some of them seem to be very dark and gloomy. I will try and explain why it came across like that.

I feel I should probably explain where I was at emotionally when I wrote those posts (Tuesday through Friday). Just as a heads up though - I have invited my wife to follow this thread. Whether she does or doesn't - I would not know.

So back to the posts. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me this week. I don't think I have ever felt feelings this intense before. This would be understandable as I have spent more than half of my life dulling them with booze.

I have spent most of the week alternating through self pity, anger, hatred and the occasional moments of feeling nothing; a sort of numbness if you will.

The self pity is pretty easy. I feel sorry for myself. Not for the loss of booze, but rather for a marriage that I seem to have failed at. I never fail at anything and this eats away at me. The self pity shouts out - take a look at me now. Cant you see? I am getting better. Why don't you notice? How long to you want to break my balls? Why don't you see - I am not that man.

The anger, well I was angry at my wife. How could she walk out like that? How could she let me go through this alone? Anger that she might be out there have a good old time while I am alone and suffering. Anger because I don't know where I stand. Anger because I do not know what the future holds. Anger at myself for feeling these things. Anger at myself for feeling anger. Anger is a vicious circle.

Hatred, well I am ashamed to admit it, but for the sake of honesty, there have been moments this week where I have hated my wife and everything about her. At these moments, I would gladly have filed for a divorce myself. I have felt pure hatred for colleagues who are imbeciles. Why the hell should I spend my time fixing their work. This is not a kindergarten, this is real life, this is a workplace. These are peoples lives you are playing with. Wake up and do your work properly.

I have no excuse for these emotions, it is just how I perceive it. Everybody has a different perception of something and nobody can tell you that how you perceive something at that moment is wrong.

I know that I have to give myself time to sort through these emotions and to heal. Don't get me wrong from the above statements, I do love my wife. There is a catch to this though, I can never go back to the relationship that we had. This is obvious, I don't drink.

An earlier comment suggested that maybe the stress of separation with my wife might be the cause of my insomnia. I don't think so. From a lot of research I believe it is just a physical aspect of the withdrawal. Some of us have to deal with it longer than others. I suppose that it is just our physical makeup that determines this. I will have to ask my geneticist buddy about this sometime. I cannot really blame this on my wife or our separation for the insomnia. Even I am not that sort of [email protected]

This brings me back to today. I still don't have a physical craving for the drink. Reflecting back on this post, I am not sure whether the AV had anything to do with these emotions. I suspect not as I have not really been tempted to drink. I suspect rather that I have dulled all these emotions over the years through drink. They have been screaming to be let out, and are now out in full force.

I am in a good place this morning. I feel good about myself. I am very happy with the mental and physical progress I have made. I even feel ok with the emotional progress. I know we have to hurt first. I also know that the sun will come out and shine tomorrow.

I want to thank all of you who follow this thread. Your comments really make my day. I want to give a special heads up to one particular person whom I know does follow this thread, and is going through a particularly rough time at the moment - hang in there. The sun does come out to shine after the rain. You just need to get round the corner, and it will be alright. You know who you are, so I am not going to say anymore.

I have sort of changed my plans for the day. I was going to some things around the house and read. I think that I am going to go catch a movie instead. Well that depends on whether anything good is showing. I might even spoil myself with a steak for lunch.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers

ZAB
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Old 04-18-2015, 01:02 AM
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Zab, you're doing so well and I enjoy reading how things are going for you :-)
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Old 04-18-2015, 02:02 AM
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Originally Posted by JaneLane View Post
Zab, you're doing so well and I enjoy reading how things are going for you :-)
Ta JaneLane. Much appreciated.
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Old 04-18-2015, 04:57 AM
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Zab - you say you are having convulsions as you drop off to sleep. Are you sure these are convulsions? They sound more like what I call "falling to sleep jerks" - it happens when one is just about to fall asleep and it feels like you are falling and so you jerk yourself awake.

I'd say if you are truly having convulsions this far into your sobriety, you might want to see a doctor and have that checked out.

Congrats on your sober time.

CF
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Calicofish View Post
Zab - you say you are having convulsions as you drop off to sleep. Are you sure these are convulsions? They sound more like what I call "falling to sleep jerks" - it happens when one is just about to fall asleep and it feels like you are falling and so you jerk yourself awake. I'd say if you are truly having convulsions this far into your sobriety, you might want to see a doctor and have that checked out. Congrats on your sober time. CF
Hey CF,

No they are convulsions alright. It is not a jerk back from the ledge, but a full on clenching/arching of the body. They are not as violent as the first night and are getting less violent each time. Funny thing is that they don't happen every night. They seem to occur on the nights that I don't sleep well.

Ta otherwise.
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Old 04-18-2015, 07:35 AM
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Bravo Zab! I admire your mental fortitude and honesty.
The good news about sobriety is that we get your emotions back. The bad thing about sobriety is that we get our emotions back.
In sobriety, we learn how to regulate them.
Have a wonderful day!
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Old 04-18-2015, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by StormiNormi View Post
Bravo Zab! I admire your mental fortitude and honesty. The good news about sobriety is that we get your emotions back. The bad thing about sobriety is that we get our emotions back. In sobriety, we learn how to regulate them. Have a wonderful day!
Ta SN. Much appreciated. I think that I am still new to sobriety to be able to regulate the emotion. For now I have to let the raw emotion ride me. With time, I will be able to get to that place where I can regulate them.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-18-2015, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by ZaBoozer View Post
Ta Thomas, I didn't really want to address this on a public forum, but seeing as I am being honest, I will address it in this mornings post.

Cheers

ZAB
Hi ZAB, what does "ta" mean? is it a south african thing?
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Old 04-18-2015, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by ZaBoozer View Post
Ta Thomas, I didn't really want to address this on a public forum, but seeing as I am being honest, I will address it in this mornings post.

Cheers

ZAB
Please don't feel obligated to address your personal issues in public on my account. I trust you know how to handle them best.

Jeff
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Old 04-18-2015, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
Please don't feel obligated to address your personal issues in public on my account. I trust you know how to handle them best. Jeff
No worries Thomas.
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Old 04-18-2015, 01:36 PM
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Hi all,

So it is the end of day twelve for me.

Physically, I am ver tired. The evens are drooping an sleep is calling. I still have the same ailments as this morning.

Mentally, I am still clear and focussed.

Emotionally, I am in the same place that I was this morning.

Sorry for such a short update, but I am tired. I will give the details of today with tomorrow mornings post.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-18-2015, 03:08 PM
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Nice writing.
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