Hi all,
Well it is the start of day twelve for me. It is a very overcast morning here in SA. We don't always have sun shine.
Physically I am a bit tired. I did not take the beta-sleep last night. I managed to fall asleep just fine. I had a few convulsions before dropping off. I would like to just clarify these convulsions before I go on. I call them convulsions - other people call them seizures. Now we are on the same page. I managed to get a good five hours sleep in. I somehow seem to wake at the same time every morning regardless. I think this has to do with years of habit and so my body is just used to waking up at that time. I had my normal headache this morning. The hand shakes are barely noticeable. The burning under the skin is still there, but does not bother me at this stage. I am famished, as usual.
Mentally I feel sharp and focused. I was listening to some songs on youtube and was able to recall all the lyrics. These are songs that I have not heard in years. So the memory is definitely coming back.
Emotionally I feel calm today. I feel neither here nor there. I do not know what the day holds so I cannot comment yet on whether it will see-saw or yo-yo all over the place. I suspect that it wont.
Seeing as I am being honest on this post, as I have been with all the others, I think I have to address some issues. Reading back over this weeks posts I know some of them seem a bit discordant and don't make much sense. I suppose some of them seem to imply that I have become unhinged and am hanging on by a thread. Some of them seem to be very dark and gloomy. I will try and explain why it came across like that.
I feel I should probably explain where I was at emotionally when I wrote those posts (Tuesday through Friday). Just as a heads up though - I have invited my wife to follow this thread. Whether she does or doesn't - I would not know.
So back to the posts. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me this week. I don't think I have ever felt feelings this intense before. This would be understandable as I have spent more than half of my life dulling them with booze.
I have spent most of the week alternating through self pity, anger, hatred and the occasional moments of feeling nothing; a sort of numbness if you will.
The self pity is pretty easy. I feel sorry for myself. Not for the loss of booze, but rather for a marriage that I seem to have failed at. I never fail at anything and this eats away at me. The self pity shouts out - take a look at me now. Cant you see? I am getting better. Why don't you notice? How long to you want to break my balls? Why don't you see - I am not that man.
The anger, well I was angry at my wife. How could she walk out like that? How could she let me go through this alone? Anger that she might be out there have a good old time while I am alone and suffering. Anger because I don't know where I stand. Anger because I do not know what the future holds. Anger at myself for feeling these things. Anger at myself for feeling anger. Anger is a vicious circle.
Hatred, well I am ashamed to admit it, but for the sake of honesty, there have been moments this week where I have hated my wife and everything about her. At these moments, I would gladly have filed for a divorce myself. I have felt pure hatred for colleagues who are imbeciles. Why the hell should I spend my time fixing their work. This is not a kindergarten, this is real life, this is a workplace. These are peoples lives you are playing with. Wake up and do your work properly.
I have no excuse for these emotions, it is just how I perceive it. Everybody has a different perception of something and nobody can tell you that how you perceive something at that moment is wrong.
I know that I have to give myself time to sort through these emotions and to heal. Don't get me wrong from the above statements, I do love my wife. There is a catch to this though, I can never go back to the relationship that we had. This is obvious, I don't drink.
An earlier comment suggested that maybe the stress of separation with my wife might be the cause of my insomnia. I don't think so. From a lot of research I believe it is just a physical aspect of the withdrawal. Some of us have to deal with it longer than others. I suppose that it is just our physical makeup that determines this. I will have to ask my geneticist buddy about this sometime. I cannot really blame this on my wife or our separation for the insomnia. Even I am not that sort of b@stard
This brings me back to today. I still don't have a physical craving for the drink. Reflecting back on this post, I am not sure whether the AV had anything to do with these emotions. I suspect not as I have not really been tempted to drink. I suspect rather that I have dulled all these emotions over the years through drink. They have been screaming to be let out, and are now out in full force.
I am in a good place this morning. I feel good about myself. I am very happy with the mental and physical progress I have made. I even feel ok with the emotional progress. I know we have to hurt first. I also know that the sun will come out and shine tomorrow.
I want to thank all of you who follow this thread. Your comments really make my day. I want to give a special heads up to one particular person whom I know does follow this thread, and is going through a particularly rough time at the moment - hang in there. The sun does come out to shine after the rain. You just need to get round the corner, and it will be alright. You know who you are, so I am not going to say anymore.
I have sort of changed my plans for the day. I was going to some things around the house and read. I think that I am going to go catch a movie instead. Well that depends on whether anything good is showing. I might even spoil myself with a steak for lunch.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers
ZAB