ZaBoozer

Hey Brain, Is that sarcasm I detect in that post? ;-)

Ta a lot

AliveSoul

Keep it up ZAB, I have followed you from the start. You are doing very well!!! Keep posting.

ZaBoozer

Ta AliveSoul, will do.

Soberwolf

Your doing good ZaBoozer

ZaBoozer

Ta SW, much appreciated.

ZaBoozer

Evening all,

Well it is the end of day fifteen for me. Today I introduced a new aspect to my recovery regime - exercise. Being short and slim, I am not really suited to gym or weight training, so my exercise of choice has always been running. But more on this later in the post. First lets get the business end out of the way.

Physically, I am tired. I have been feeling the fatigue since about 13:30 this afternoon. I am not surprised by this as I am only sleeping between four and five hours a night on average. I just cant seem to get to bed any earlier as I am always busy with something, whether it is reading or checking the posts here on SR. My second headache of the day crept in around 21:00 this evening. I am pleased with this as the intervals between headaches are getting longer. It starts off mildly and slowly becomes unbearable until I am forced to take something for it. The appetite is still here. The numbness on the side of my face is still here and gets more noticeable the more tired I get. The hand shakes are still here, but barley perceptible.

Mentally, it has been a rather dull day for me. Most of the work I did today is mundane and repetitive. It really does not require much concentration at all. This allowed my mind to wander, which was not a good thing with my emotional state today.

Emotionally, it has not been a good day. I have been pretty much down in the dumps the whole day. I am getting the cold shoulder from my wife, which does not really help how I feel at the moment. This left me feeling a lot of self pity, anger and resentment during the day. It did not help that I started the day of dealing with one of the imbeciles that I work with. He just pissed me off so much, that the rest of my day was spent trying to recover my emotions to a better place. Alas, I was not that successful at it.

So, to come back to the exercise. I decided that I would start exercising again. Unfortunately I have not run in such a long time, it would be very ill advised to jump straight back into it. To give you an idea how long it has been - I took out my running iPod this evening. The last time I ran was in July 2009 - that was when I started dating my wife.

I know that in order for me to start running again, I have to start slowly. This means I have to strengthen the muscles that are used for running, but in the way that the motion is as close to running as possible. This means a lot of brisk walking. The area I live in is rather scenic once you get off the main roads. So the plan was to do a hours walking. As I set out the emotions kept flooding me. It was at this stage that I managed to keep my promise of this morning. Each time that I felt forlorn, or thought about the situation with my wife - I consciously forced myself to feel and enjoy the warmth of the sunlight on me. I forced these thoughts from my mind by taking in the scenery and smelling the plants. By the end of my exercise, I was not in such a dark place and most of the despair was gone. The route that I used took 54 minutes, but there is an extra bit that I can add on to get me in the ballpark of a full hour.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a rest day. This is to give the muscles time to recover and heal from the trauma of the exercise (especially important in long distance running). After todays session though, I am not sure if I can skip the exercise again. I should have introduced it earlier on in my sobriety, but we learn as we go on. The exercise has a calming effect on the emotions that are riding me at the moment. I know that I am going to have to deal with these emotions at some stage. I can honestly say that at this stage in my sobriety - I am not ready. I have no idea where to begin. I do know that each day that I am sober gives me more strength.

So this is where I find myself at the end of day fifteen. A new tool has been added to the toolbox.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers

ZAB

sva777

Hey I was just wondering what happened to your wife, sorry if this is painful, I was just curious. Nevermind I answered my own question by reading past posts.

ZaBoozer

No worries SVA, if something is unclear, I will do my best to clarify it. After all this is an honest account of my journey. Whatever will or may happen in the future - will be.

Cheers

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Morning all,

Well it is the start of day sixteen for me.

Physically, I am shattered. I did not sleep a wink last night. Unfortunately I spent most of it tossing; turning and battling anxiety. I really need to get a handle on my emotions as this is starting to get out of hand. I have a headache this morning - not surprised as I didn't sleep. Strangely the numbness on my cheek is not so intense this morning. The hand shakes are almost gone. On a positive note - I am starved. My leg muscles are a little bit stiff from yesterdays walk. I am thinking that I should do a lighter thirty minute walk this evening to loosen the muscles and shake the cobwebs out.

Mentally, I am as sharp as I can be under the circumstances. My mind is not dull or foggy, I am just not firing on all cylinders today. It feels as if I am running on autopilot. I suppose that this is ok for today as I don't really have anything to think about. My days schedule seems to be a bunch of mini meetings where I am just a spectator. Small blessings do happen.

Emotionally, well I am calmer than yesterday. I have bought myself a new book - Real meditation for real alcoholics. I am going to start reading this as soon as I have some time. I think that perhaps I have overdosed too much on the twelve steps and flogging myself to death. Aahh well, addictive personality - what can I say. What will be will be. Stressing; worrying and wondering about it or whether I will be this or that is starting to seem like a waste of energy to me. I should rather use this energy in my recovery.

I am not really sure what else to say on this overcast morning here in SA. It is chilly. Summer is ending and autumn is on its way. God but I hate the cold. Next week Monday and Friday are holidays here in SA. I am very strongly considering putting in leave for the Tuesday; Wednesday and Thursday to make a long weekend of it. I have a lot of things that I need to do around the house. Changes and things that I should have done a while back. The way that I feel at the moment is to change everything and wipe her memory completely out of the house.

Anyway, enough morbidity for one morning. Deep breathes and baby steps. Lets see if I can make it through the day without getting pissed off.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers

ZAB

Pouncer

Just popping in to say that I look forward to reading your posts. Your first post was harrowing. It really affected me because you seemed kind of nonchalant about the seizure. I have had many supremely stupid thoughts whilst drinking and nonchalance when I should have been zeroing in.

Thanks for your thread. It is encouraging to see you doing well. Keep it up! It will be worth it for all of us.

ZaBoozer

Hi Pouncer,

Ta for the comment. I would not describe it as nonchalant, but rather as pure ignorance. I only found out how dangerous what I did was after the fact. In retrospect, I should have done more research before doing what I did. I had no idea that the seizures are actually that dangerous, I just thought that it was part of the process.

Cheers

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Evening all,

Well it is the end of day sixteen for me.

Physically, I am a little tired after not sleeping last night. I think tonight will go better. I do not have a headache tonight, which is great. I am hoping that this symptom is now too on its way out. The numbness of my cheek is the same as this morning, so that is also positive. The hand shakes are hardly noticeable. Another positive. My legs are still a bit tender from last nights exercise, so I am glad I decided against exercising today. I will exercise again tomorrow as the legs have now had their recovery period. Smoking has come down, but I really need to quit. The plan being to run a 10km road race in four weekends from now. Road running is big here in SA and it is almost impossible not to find a race every weekend. Oh, appetite is still great.

Mentally, well it was not much of a challenging day as I spent it mostly as a spectator in various meetings. The rest of my time was either reading posts here on SR or doing some research on how to remove crete from floors. All in all though, not a bad day for the old peanut.

Emotionally, well the day didn't start too well, but somehow everything came together for me rather quickly. Although I am missing my wife like crazy, I feel a strange calm. In my mind, I have made peace in the sense - what will be will be. Somehow the heart needs to reconcile itself to this. I would almost describe the way that I am feeling at this moment as peaceful.

I have decided to put some leave in for next week. I have a lot of things that I need to do around the house that my wife really wanted, but I never got around to while drinking. So I have arranged for the builders to come in on Monday to remove this horrible crete from the floor. I am also considering knocking out a wall to extend the kitchen as I have a dead end walkway to the side. Either that or to put a door on the walkway and brick up the rest. That way she would get her pantry as she wanted. If the builders finish on time, the tilers will come in on Tuesday and work their magic. So hopefully by Wednesday I will have a new house. I am just worried about the tile color that I want, not sure if it is what she wanted. I also need to tackle some issues in the garden, unfortunately neither of us has really paid much attention to it for a while, so it has gone to hell. So I will be off to the nursery to find stuff that blooms in winter. Sorry, even I like pretty colorful flowers.

I have put the self help books to the side for the moment. I suspect that part of my depression has been from reading too much into flailing yourself to pieces for the trouble caused by the booze. Someone said it better than me in an earlier post - we can never fix the past. But we sure as hell can use it as a guide for the future. I prefer this outlook. We have to understand - that drunk addicted person is someone else. I am not saying we're not sorry, I am saying that we do not have to live our lives in constant remorse and regret. I think by learning from the mistakes, and actively living our lives forward endeavoring not to make the same mistakes, we make amends. So the book I have started reading this is evening is motivational. The book - Out there: a story of ultra recovery. I am enjoying this guys story immensely. I can tell you that his story resonates with me. I think a lot of us older consistent boozers will recognize ourselves in the pages. What I am enjoying is that he is not patronizing in any way and neither is he flagelating himself to death over what he did. Yes he is sorry, and what he goes on to do is unbelievable. I think that this is the sort of thing I can relate to in my recovery. I just wish I'd found the book earlier.

So all in all, it has not been a bad day. I have taken active steps to get things done. I feel chuffed as I am not procrastinating like I did when drinking. There are a few other things that I need to put in motion, but with the double long weekend here next week, most people are on leave, so that will have to wait until the week after. I feel chuffed with the progress I have made with my recovery to date. I am starting to enjoy the small things in life more that I took for granted. Sometimes we all need to stop and smell the roses. Time is the most important commodity in any persons life. So I will leave you with a thought taken from the above mentioned book. If a rich man was lying on his deathbed, do you not think that he would give away all his wealth just to spend one more day with his family?

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB

saoutchik

Good post Zab you have insight and self awareness, that is an asset when going thru the early crap.

Been in touch with some SA's near you - we have ordered something called Kiemahn VX discs, it's complicated but they will be needed in Stockholm soon where they are building a new underground railway

ZaBoozer

Ta saoutchick, much appreciated. You should be able to get those discs that you need all over SA.

ZaBoozer

Morning all,

So it is the start of day seventeen for me. The sun is out and it is one of those beautiful end of summer days. The sky is clear and is that very different, almost piercing blue.

Physically, I feel fine. I woke without the headache, but it has hit me now that I am sitting at work. I am hoping that it is like yesterday and that I only have it this morning. The numbness under my cheek is there. The handshakes are now so barely noticeable that I think that this symptom is also almost gone. Sleep, aahh, glorious sleep. As long as I am not anxious or beating myself to a pulp, I seem to be able to drop off at will. Last night I went to sleep around 22:30. I was asleep very soon and that without even noticing it. I have not had any convulsions/seizures for a while now either. The alarm clock even woke me this morning. I cannot describe how untroubled and peaceful the sleep is. I do not wake feeling groggy or heavy headed like when I was drinking. This in itself should be enough to convince anyone to stop drinking. My legs are still a bit tender, but I am looking forward to tonight's exercise.

Mentally, I feel great. I am still taking my multi vitamin supplement. I am sure the this has helped me with the mental recovery in more ways than I am aware of. My mind is clear, I have the mental energy and focus and I am actually looking forward to a productive day at work. Since when has anyone ever looked forward to work? Maybe this is just part of being sober.

Emotionally, I had a few twinges this morning, but for the most part I still have that sense of inner peace from last night. I have realised that one needs to be at peace with ones self before we attempt to resolve the issues of others. What help can we bring to anyone else if we cannot or are not in a position to help ourselves?

I read a bit longer last night than I actually anticipated. The book on ultra recovery is really inspiring and very hard to put down, even with drooping eyes. I am not advocating that we all go out and become ultra marathon runners, I am advocating that by looking after our bodies we begin to heal. This entails eating healthy and exercise. I know from past experience that exercise does release a lot of the mundane stress within us. It is an escape and gives us time to reflect on issues both past and present. Sometimes the solution to a problem is so obvious that we are blind to it. I have found that during exercise, the solution to the problem presents itself at the strangest times.

Runners in particular are very lucky. We have a thing called the runners high. During every race, be it a training run or an actual race, we hit what is known as the wall. This wall will occur during every run at roughly the 70% distance completed marker. This will occur irrespective of distance. When we hit the wall, our bodies do not want to go forward anymore. Our minds want to give in. We question ourselves as to what the hell we are actually doing here. It as it this stage that we want to give up and bail. When we run through the wall, we find that on the other side, our stride is steady. Our footfall light and swift. Our breathing easy. Our heads held up high. Tiredness and fatigue fall away. Our minds are clear and the euphoria is great. We feel that we could continue running for the rest of the day. Everything about what we are doing feels good. This is known as the runners high.

I believe that we all hit the wall at times during our quest for sobriety. Perhaps the AV is particularly strong or the physical withdrawal seems too much. Perhaps we have some emotional issues. Either way, we have hit the wall. When we get through this wall, our experience is similar to that of the runner and their high. How do we get through the addicts wall? We employ the tools that are available to us. We can force ourselves through the moment, we can employ techniques from AVRT, we can tell ourselves - I will not drink right now. Whatever method we choose, we do experience that natural high once we get through the wall. We feel that sense of accomplishment and relief. Although this may seem a small thing to many, it is this accomplishment that we should treasure. We have made it through the wall this time. We can do it again. That sense off accomplishment builds self worth more than anything else. It promotes self confidence. This is something that we as addicts are lacking. We owe it to our loved ones and family. We owe it to society. Most of all, we owe it to ourselves. If we are not happy and content within ourselves, we cannot be happy and content with others around us.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Evening all,

Well it is the end of day seventeen for me. The days and nights here in SA are starting to get colder. I think we are in for a bitter winter this year.

Physically, I am tired. I had a headache this morning at work, but by the time I finished this mornings entry it was gone. It has not come back yet. I am hoping against all hope that this nasty little symptom of withdrawal is at its end now. My geneticist buddy reckons you should put Epsom salts in your bath if you are suffering from headaches. I never did get around to trying this. The hand shakes are only just here. The numbness in one cheek is still here. My leg and butt muscles are pleasantly sore - I did my exercise this afternoon. More on this later. Appetite is good, but I need to steer my diet away from burgers and fries to healthier eating options. Not only for the body, but also the brain. Not much in the way of fatigue either today.

Mentally, it was a good day. Not too much happening in the office today that required rocket science. I got the work done that I needed to. Not much happening here on SR, so there wasn't really much to read. I am not noticing that much anymore in mental recovery I think this is probably the once facet of our human makeup that heals or recovers the quickest.

Emotionally, it was a pretty stable day. It had its ups and downs, but these interludes where thankfully short lived. I still have a long way to go with regard to recovery in this portion of my makeup. I think this is the part of us that takes the longest to heal. I am taking it day by day. No point in rushing or chasing it. It will come right in its own good time.

So, back to the exercise. I took my running watch with me. It has a heart rate monitor and a gadget that straps onto your shoe to give you distance, stride etc. Very fancy toy. I also took my iPod with for some music. I did the same route as Tuesday, but with the added piece on. The distance is 5.4km. I did the route in 52 minutes. Not bad for a very unfit ex boozer. The thing with the heart rate monitor is that you can train at even effort regardless of incline or decline. This is necessary for building your gearbox or different speeds when running. It was a great session as I could use it to push those depressing emotions to the side. It is really great to be out and about with the sun on your face and the smell of some amazing flowers in some people's gardens. It just reminds us how human we really are. It forces us out of becoming self centered and to realize that we are not the centre of the universe at all. I know that being self centered is one of the 12 steps that we need to resolve, I just prefer it my way. Not something I had to strive for, just a gift from nature.

Before I knew what was up, I was home and walking into the house. A whole 52 minutes gone just like that, and a great exercise session under the belt. The music was great. I haven't really listened to music for some while now. I thought it might be painful, but oddly enough it wasn't. Just forcing yourself to concentrate on what you're doing and to enjoy the sensations of nature seems to banish the negative. With these two exercise sessions under the belt I actually believe that a 55 minute 10km in four weeks is definitely on the cards. Oddly enough, this is starting to get rather exciting for me now. I may have mentioned before that SA is a road running mad country. I have a strong feeling that this is going to become another weapon in my armory. I am not complaining, just enjoying a simple gift that alcohol neglected to take from me.

Well, the cats have come to cuddle up and claim their stake to the bed. I guess that cold is bothering them too. I know it's really cold when they get under the duvet. Luckily, we are not there yet.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB

FrankLapidas

It's their bed. You are allowed in only at their pleasure.

ZaBoozer

Aahh, Frank, how well you know cats. B@stards think they're still in ancient Egypt.

ZaBoozer

Morning all,

So I have made it to the start of day eighteen and am fast approaching my third sober weekend.

Physically, I am a little tired. I slept ok. Fell asleep easily enough, but woke before the alarm clock again. I didn't have a headache this morning, but it is slowly coming on as I sit here at work and write this post. I hope it will be like yesterday and just fade away on its own. I am going to try and ride it out. The numbness of the cheek is still with me. the hand shakes are still here. I have a good appetite, and I feel famished. My butt and leg muscles are sore this morning, but it is a pleasant sore.

Mentally, I feel fine. My brain is firing on all cylinders. I am able to build logical arguments in my mind. It is a great feeling to be able to follow the actual progression from premise to conclusion and not find any flaws. I am still reading a lot, but more motivational stuff now. I have to consciously stop myself every now and then to remind myself to live in and enjoy the moment, regardless of whether it is a good or bad moment.

Emotionally, I feel calm. I do have a few twinges every now and then, but I am letting my heart reconcile itself to my mind in its own time. This facet of our being is the one that requires the most patience and time to heal. There is no point chasing or trying to control it, but there is also no point in just giving in to it either.

Today is going to be one of those days. Although it is Friday, I have blasted project meetings scheduled for most of the morning. I am not looking forward to these meetings as they are centred around projects that are doing poorly due to bad engineering management. These meetings usually descend into hell, with a bunch of people trying their best to defend why they have not done their work. Unfortunately, it is my job at the moment to pull their defences to pieces and bring the projects back onto track. Not the nicest thing to do on a Friday.

It is almost weekend, and I am looking forward to it. The builders are coming in later this afternoon to give me quotes for the work around the house. I am actually quite excited about this. I have some ideas in my head on how I want the finished product to look. I have done my homework and in true engineering perfection have already completed the design work for the tile layout. I am hoping that the builders can really carry this out for me.

So this is where I am at this morning.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Evening all,

So I have made it to the end of day eighteen. When I wake up tomorrow, I will be into my third sober weekend.

Physically I am tired. The headache from this morning did come and then faded away just like yesterday. I didn't take anything for it and it has not returned. Appetite was good the whole day and into this evening. The numbness in my cheek is only just noticeable. The only way to see the hand shakes now is by resting my wrists on my laptop with my fingers pointing to the sky. If I just hold my hands out, there is no shake at all. My butt and leg muscles while not sore, are noticeable. This is a good sign, as it means that the recovery period is getting less.

Mentally it was a good day for me. Aside from the meetings, I managed to get all of next weeks work done this afternoon. So my leave has been approved. Clarity and focus of thought seem to be the norm now rather than the exception.

Emotionally it was a pretty stable day. Other than a few uneasy twinges here and there, I was pretty ok.

The builder who is going to take out the crete pitched this afternoon. I was very chuffed with haggling skills. He is going to take out all the crete in my lounge, passageways, kitchen and bathrooms. He is also going to take out the wall and brick up a door and some minor building work for out 60% of what he initially wanted. I feel great as even his initial price was way less than what I had budgeted for. Now I need to get the tiler in on Wednesday or Thursday to do his bit. Things are coming along nicely on the house front.

Started reading a new motivational book this evening - Running on empty. Yes another runners story. Although this guy was not an addict in our sense, he did have other issues that we can relate to. First he ran away from emotions that were too difficult to relate to. Then he ran from conflict. Later on he ran from wives. Bugger me, I can understand why he is considered one of the ultra marathon greats with all the running he did. Still a good read though as there is something to learn. He pulls no punches for his behavior or his steadfast determination to do exactly what he wants. Not very conducive to family life at all. Unfortunately it took him thirty odd years of running to realize this. I am not sure if he is trying to convey the fact - it is never to late? I will have to finish the book first to see.

Anyway, I am going to carry on reading. Maybe I will have a NA beer and try to watch a movie on the Telly. Either way, it will just be a lazy Friday evening. At least I will wake up with a clear head tomorrow morning.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB