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Old 05-13-2015, 05:38 AM
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Originally Posted by MissMar View Post
I just completed day two. Last night was tough for me I came on to this site for a bit sorted thru some posts. Then read foe a bit. Thanks for sharing. Inspired me immensely.
Hey there MM, congratulations on two days. It does get better I promise. You just have to take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, your body is playing catchup.

It is my pleasure.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:04 AM
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Z, I find my anger really takes hold when there is something that needs to be done about a situation.

I can understand that you've made huge changes, quit drinking, remodeled your home (and it sounded like you were at least trying to honor your wife's taste in so doing...) and yet, I'm assuming there is no change in your relationship.

I hope you will not act in anger, but obviously some discussion is necessary.

Or maybe you don't want to discuss this here. If so, apologies.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Z, I find my anger really takes hold when there is something that needs to be done about a situation. I can understand that you've made huge changes, quit drinking, remodeled your home (and it sounded like you were at least trying to honor your wife's taste in so doing...) and yet, I'm assuming there is no change in your relationship. I hope you will not act in anger, but obviously some discussion is necessary. Or maybe you don't want to discuss this here. If so, apologies.
Ta BB, no apologies needed. This thread is about honesty after all.

My wife and I are still separated. Today is three weeks since I last heard from her. I won't contact her until she contacts me etc etc etc. The anger comes in when I get these little surprises that pop out of the blue. Today was a new one - she stopped paying the domestic and I must now pay. The first I hear from is the domestic. The other day was the garden service. It is rather annoying and petty. Maybe downright childish. Especially as it is a buildup of bills.

I will not act in anger, you are very right there. I have my timeframe and I am sticking to it. She may throw whatever childish shite at me - but I am bigger than that. I have been through far worse in life. Suicide in the family, my own drug addiction, booze, retrenchment - you name it. I am a way stronger person than many people think. The problem is I do not act in haste, but when I do - nothing will change my mind, because by then I have thought it through very thoroughly indeed.

The reality of the matter is that it is not only the booze that landed us here, but her own selfishness. Every spare moment she had would be spent on someone else. Never mind her long work hours. Time for everyone else but me. The other issue with this is that I now have to fight everyone else's opinions at the same time. Why ask me what I think when you have already asked everyone else? Especially when you want to use everyone else's opinion to argue with me. This in turn led to me pulling into myself more and more and drinking the anger and pain away.

My memory is not that fried and now I am sober. So there is no crutch to hide behind and I have to deal with it. The frustration is that I am honoring her request of finding herself in an adult manner, but I am getting this childish behavior in return.

Not that you wanted that much of a discussion, but I don't have anything to hide.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:48 AM
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Why are you not contacting her until she contacts you?

Are you leaning toward permanent separation?

I only ask because I know that things left alone will unravel in not-so-positive ways.

I was the youngest in my family. I always waited for them to contact me. It didn't always serve me well. I think we all have that, "Well, they could call me."

I hope you start to figure out which way you want this to go and take action. Letting things fester never works for me, and if I have anger then that is a sign that changes need to happen. Of course in your case, it may not be permanent - even more reason to push for solutions. Things left alone don't often resolve themselves. All you can do is try to address your issues, not hers. Maybe a clergy or counselor can talk with you both before this split becomes permanent?

When I was getting divorced, the best thing for me was to keep things moving forward and not just let them stay the same. I had to ask him to leave, I had to hire an attorney, I had to go forward with what I wanted in order to stay sane. I had to separate our finances, talk to the families, find a roommate, etc. Moving toward what I knew I needed was important.

((blessings))
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:57 AM
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Well done Zab. I just ran across this thread for some reason. Took some time, but I'm caught up now.

Man, awesome job on day 37! It gets better and better with time.

Great job on your resolve to stay sober!

Keep up the good work.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Why are you not contacting her until she contacts you? Are you leaning toward permanent separation? I only ask because I know that things left alone will unravel in not-so-positive ways. I was the youngest in my family. I always waited for them to contact me. It didn't always serve me well. I think we all have that, "Well, they could call me." I hope you start to figure out which way you want this to go and take action. Letting things fester never works for me, and if I have anger then that is a sign that changes need to happen. Of course in your case, it may not be permanent - even more reason to push for solutions. Things left alone don't often resolve themselves. All you can do is try to address your issues, not hers. Maybe a clergy or counselor can talk with you both before this split becomes permanent? When I was getting divorced, the best thing for me was to keep things moving forward and not just let them stay the same. I had to ask him to leave, I had to hire an attorney, I had to go forward with what I wanted in order to stay sane. I had to separate our finances, talk to the families, find a roommate, etc. Moving toward what I knew I needed was important. ((blessings))
Hi BB,

Pride. I have begged enough. The ball is in her court.

She asked for the time - I am staying out of her way. I can only work on me. Whether the way forward involves her or not I do not know. I do however know that I will not wait forever. When my timeframe has matured, I will know and will do what I must.

I know it sounds strange, but I am being fair. The big person if you will. She has asked for time, but given me no timeframe. I have now made my own timeframe. When that is reached I will do what I must. The timeframe is important to me in that there can be no comeback. It also ensures that I have had the time to think it through properly.

I did not ask for the separation. I do love her, but if I must cut her out of my life - I will.

I did ask her when she left that we go see someone. She was not interested.

I know it is difficult and a bit unique in the sense that I have to wait until whatever happens will happen. Not ideal when giving up alcohol as it adds to the stress. She is aware that I stopped. I invited her to follow this thread. Whether she does or not - I don't know. I have nothing to hide at all.

I do not want this to be permanent. Obviously otherwise I would never have got married. But if I have to make it permanent - I will. Serious decisions must never be made in haste - hence the timeframe. So i am giving her the time, and using it myself. I hear you on moving forward and I will when the timeframe is reached.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by ccam1973 View Post
Well done Zab. I just ran across this thread for some reason. Took some time, but I'm caught up now. Man, awesome job on day 37! It gets better and better with time. Great job on your resolve to stay sober! Keep up the good work.
Ta ccam, much appreciated.
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Old 05-13-2015, 12:18 PM
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Evening all,

It is the end of day thirty seven here. It is not so chilly out, but still not nice. Business up.

Physically I am tired. I am hoping for a good nights rest bi did have a headache this evening and I took something for it. It is gone now. I had a good appetite today and I are well.

Mentally I am fine. I have been reading a lot. The current book is about coping after getting sober. I will post the title once I am a bit further in.

Emotionally it was a trying day. I am over the worst now. I can now carry on with my recovery until the next bombshell.

It was not a very productive day for me. It was cut short as I had to come home to pay the domestic. From there on I just read. I will have to make up for it tomorrow. I need to put up a firewall behind the fireplace. It gives off too much heat. I am going to use some of the ceramic tiles that I have. My smoking buddy kept me on my toes today. It is good to chat with her - she runs HR.

Things are not looking good here in SA on the job front. A lot of projects are being deferred. It sounds like there are going to be a lot of job losses in the mining houses again. All doom and gloom I'm afraid. Hopefully the news will be better tomorrow.

I am going to try for an early night tonight. I think I need one.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 05-13-2015, 12:28 PM
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Get some needed rest Zab.

Great job on making it through day 37.

Stay strong...
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Old 05-13-2015, 03:40 PM
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How is your face feeling? Your anxiety is calming down I sense, mine took almost 2 to 3 months to really settle.
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Old 05-13-2015, 08:18 PM
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Originally Posted by ccam1973 View Post
Get some needed rest Zab. Great job on making it through day 37. Stay strong...
Ta ccam, much appreciated. Slept well.
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Old 05-13-2015, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by sva777 View Post
How is your face feeling? Your anxiety is calming down I sense, mine took almost 2 to 3 months to really settle.
Hey SVA, the cheek numbness is gone now for about four days. Anxiety is better too.
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Old 05-13-2015, 08:58 PM
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Keep it up Zab!
Setting your own timeframe is an important step. To me, its the equivalent to as setting boundaries over who and what can make you feel inferior. Not sure if inferior is the right word, but you get the picture. Only you are responsible for you. I really do have my fingers crossed that everything turns out well for you and your wife over time.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Cauliflower View Post
Keep it up Zab!
Setting your own timeframe is an important step. To me, its the equivalent to as setting boundaries over who and what can make you feel inferior. Not sure if inferior is the right word, but you get the picture. Only you are responsible for you. I really do have my fingers crossed that everything turns out well for you and your wife over time.
Ta cauliflower, much appreciated. Life goes on, we either go with it or we die. Not melancholy at all, but reality.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:44 PM
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Good morning all,

The sun is out today. Makes for a nice change from the gloomy weather we have had the past few days. It is the start of day thirty eight and I am good. Business first.

Physically I am great. I slept right through until the alarm this morning. This is the longest stretch of sleep I have managed to date. Six to seven hours. I am experiencing a little bit of anxiety/discomfort before I fall asleep. I am not sure what that is about. Maybe too much on my mind lately. When sleep does come it is deep. I did have a headache this morning, but it is not so sharp. Other than that, all the physical maladies have passed. My appetite is back and I am happy about that.

Mentally I am fine. I am actually looking forward to today. I have some work to catch up on and I am looking forward to adding some more to the book.

Emotionally I am in a much better space today. I am recovering and it does take time. I need to learn how to deal with the "out of the blue" surprises. I don't think I am handling them bad. Even a "normie" would get phased with emotional problems.

I am reading a book that deals with life after we get sober. I will post the title when I get home. It is actually one of the better books I have read dealing with our situation.

I have some work to do around the house still. Instead of putting the skirting boards back, I am going to use tiles. I also have to put up a screen behind the fireplace. It is too hot and burning a hole in the paint. I will do this myself. I will start all the preparation this evening.

I am going to try something new here. I am going to include some snippets from my book every now and then. It is sort of like a sounding board.

Prelude

Come on down and see me. You know my name well. Iím everything you read. Iíve got it to sell. The ladies on my street arenít there for their health. Welfare checks donít pave the road to much wealth.
Sixto Rodriguez Ė Gommorah (A nursery rhyme)


It is 08H00, Monday morning in the heart of the Johannesburg CBD. It is 4 April 2015. Today, I have twenty eight days of sobriety under my belt. Not much I know, considering that I have been a heavy drinker for the past twenty odd years, but it is something.

This is not a story of self pity. This is a story of sex; drugs; rock Ďn roll; broken relationships; a journey to hell and maybe, just maybe, hope. This is not a self help story and neither is it motivational. It may be anecdotal at best. If it makes you laugh Ė great. If it makes you cringe Ė even better. If it makes you cry Ė then I have cocked it up somewhere.

My name is Craig. At this stage of the story, I am thirty nine years old. Although I am married, my wife and I are separated. Not my choice at all; but hey, youíve got to roll with the punches, even those that are of the pointy shoe variety right in your balls. Hell, what doesnít kill you makes you stronger, right?

How did I get here? I am not too sure. To find out I must go back to the beginning. The beginning is shrouded in mist. The beginning is so far back that it is fading even from my own memory. Can I go back that far? Can I perceive the start? I donít know, but I am sure as hell going to try.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 05-14-2015, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by ZaBoozer View Post
I need to learn how to deal with the "out of the blue" surprises.
ZAB
Yeah I had those too when XAH left..pretty similar things like he cut off the £ into our joint account for bills about 3 weeks after moving out, cut off the subscription to the Sky tv package etc etc...sigh. Luckily I have a good enough job to cover everything.

I got to the point where I had a new motto..'no contact=no pain' still haven't sorted things out but maintaining sobriety is my number one priority...that's just me anyway.

Stay strong Zab
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Old 05-14-2015, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by martina12 View Post
Yeah I had those too when XAH left..pretty similar things like he cut off the £ into our joint account for bills about 3 weeks after moving out, cut off the subscription to the Sky tv package etc etc...sigh. Luckily I have a good enough job to cover everything.

I got to the point where I had a new motto..'no contact=no pain' still haven't sorted things out but maintaining sobriety is my number one priority...that's just me anyway.

Stay strong Zab
Hey there M,

I am lucky enough that I am the major breadwinner. I could have been just as childish and cut her medical aid, car insurance and cell phone etc. If I did that - I would be defeating the point of recovery.

If it must end - I walk away with a clear conscience. I do not need anything that I would live to regret or have remorse over by my sober behaviour. One less trigger that way.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation with your XAH. It is not easy, but it is also not undoable. The thing for me is to stay sober, and to do that I cannot stoop to petty childish shite. My decisions must be mine and mine alone, not influenced by people that sit around and are now experts in everything, but have never experienced it.

You stay strong too, it does get easier as you go along. The surprises have to run out eventually.

Take care,

ZAB

P.S. What does XAH stand for?
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Old 05-14-2015, 01:13 PM
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Evening all,

I have reached the end of day thirty eight. It is not so cold out, but not warm either. Business first.

Physically I am good. I am very tired and have been feeling the fatigue from about 13H00 already. I am not sure why this is. I did have appetite today, but for some reason could only pick at the food. I have the most amazing headache. It has been with me since this morning and has just got worse. I am hoping it will be gone tomorrow.

Mentally I am good. I did not have to think much at work today. But my book made up for that. I did have a rather intellectual conversation with a colleague over lunch. I was very impressed that he managed to see things my way by the time we had finished. He is rather pig headed.

Emotionally it was a better day. I did not have any new surprises and was able to make it through without too much of a problem. The emotions were pretty stable and I feel reasonably good.

The AV was pretty strong with me this evening. Funny, it was with the anti booze book that I was reading. Luckily I was near the end and so could just finish it. I think I have OD'd on anti booze books, self help and motivational stuff for now. I am reading something that is light hearted for a change. It really took my mind off the AV.

I have realised that I cannot think about not drinking tomorrow, next week or next year. The thought is just too much. Instead I have to concentrate on today. Tomorrow can take care of itself.

Tomorrow we have an engineering breakfast. They always host this at the South African Breweries. We have a brewery tour after. I am not worried about drinking or anything like that. I am however looking forward to the tour. They take you through the whole process. I have done the tour a few times, but I always find the process fascinating.

Well I am shattered. I am hoping that I can drop off without too much fuss tonight. The cats have snuggled onto their respective positions on the bed. I have to now try and curve my way around them. They love the fireplace.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 05-14-2015, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by ZaBoozer View Post

P.S. What does XAH stand for?
Ex Alcoholic Husband...as opposed to AH even though we are not divorced (yet)
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Old 05-14-2015, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by martina12 View Post
Ex Alcoholic Husband...as opposed to AH even though we are not divorced (yet)
Aahh, Ta for that.
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