DrunkTx

MM - you've been conditioned to succeed even when failure seems imminent. Remember mile 18-20 during the marathon? The proverbial wall? How did you get through that? One foot in front of the other. Only focusing on the next step. Believing in yourself, and knowing it wouldn't kill you. Head down man, minute by minute, day by day - focus on now and don't give up

ArtFriend

MM - Change is doable but you have to WANT it. The prospect of losing your wife and child is huge... and I hope it gives you the impetus to start to stop. Alcoholism is killing you and hurting your loved ones. You don't need to be a slave to it. Make getting sober for good your #1 priority over everything else.

EndGameNYC

You're talking about losing your wife and child as though it's inevitable, MM. It isn't. Not unless you make it so.

I was given plenty of chances by my ex to set things right, yet I only continued to do what I was doing. I lost her and then everything else dear to me by continuing to drink.

Here's a guarantee: Whatever heartache you're currently experiencing, it will be eclipsed in spades, and for the rest of your life, if you don't take any action to stop where all this is headed. You'll be facing a life filled with torturing yourself for what you did and what you didn't do, and you'll have perfect excuses to continue killing yourself with booze. And when you do get sober, though things will get much better for you, you'll wonder why you let it all slip away.

You don't need to lose everything in order to get sober, and there's no requirement that your "heart is in it." I got sober in spite of my desire to continue drinking. By then, I had nothing else to lose.

Stop this now before heartbreak becomes a way of life.

MarathonMan

Endgame - you're right its not innevitable but god it feels like it. Like its already happened almost. I thought I could keep quitting and failing forever as long as I was seen to be having ago. The finality of this atempt scares me.

EndGameNYC

So much so that you'd prefer to make it happen, feeling like you have control over it by making it so, rather than make a commitment to abort your self-destructive behaviors? Is there even a small part of you that believes that losing everything will then make you feel "ready" to get sober?

Stop it. Do something now, no matter how trivial it may seem, to get started on getting sober. Your heart will only "be in it" after you take action.

ScottFromWI

It should...your addiction wants it to. The binge you have been on has most likely skewed your perceptions of the situation too. You are going to need to take it on faith/acceptance/face value that the solution is to stop drinking. Don't think about forever, or even next week. Think about today and what you can do to stop. Go to an AA meeting, go to the ER, go to the counselor, do whatever you possibly can.

MarathonMan

Endgame - some of what you say is kind of what my brain is saying....if its gonna happen let it and then at least its kinda on my terms....not what I want but the **** my brain is whispering at me. Also if im always gonna be a mess maybe the greatest kindness is to let the get away. Like the only good deed ive got left. Like I said not what I want but just dont feel this addiction is escapable. Ive thought I wax really ready in the past and really wanted it and still fell flat on my face.....to think I had over 2 years once. What I did then just doesnt work now.

EndGameNYC

There's nothing "kind" about letting people who love you and care for you "get away." This would only leave you alone and isolated so that, among much else, you can drink the way you want to drink with a false sense of impunity. All this while your loved ones struggle with their own relentless heartache, their own sense of loss, each and every day. I don't see anything at all even approaching redemption in your "plan."

And near or at the end of the line of your alcoholism, this is what it will be like for you:

Verte

Nah. Naw. No way! How about you set your sights on slowly becoming healthy in body and mind. If you felt healthy would you choose to leave your wife and baby? Vacate your own self? Give yourself a fair chance then. Right now addiction and alcohol appear to have the upper hand and are scaring you senseless. Maybe you can allow someone in real life to help you fight? You need to stop moving. Just stop. Alcohol is not going to sneak up on you. You know you are worth the effort, MarathonMan.

MarathonMan

Told my wife this morning I didnt dare stop cold turkey as last time I got so shakey and sick im worried about serious dt's. This morning she agreed that was fine. Ive just opened a beer and shes said she no longer agrees with the taper and ive got to cold turkey from this instance. I said for my safety im not sure I can just stop and need these few days to reduce intake and take the edge off the withdrawl. Shes told me this proves I dont care and she wants a divorce and is now packing her things to leave. Im at a loss as to what to do.

Nonsensical

Throw out the beer and call a doctor so you can detox safely.

MarathonMan

Its such a mess, I have a job with fixed holidays so cant detox with out confessing the truth....i have a good job and im not sure my career can surive that, but im not sure my marriage is going to survive me doing it on my owm.....im so trapped right now.

ru12

Why would she trust that you are just going to taper down? What has your recent behavior shown her about how you drink?

Anyway, if you can't go to a doctor and get proper meds, then you probably need to taper. So let your wife leave and taper down and stop drinking that sh!t. Once you are finally off the alcohol re approach your wife.

You've tried drinking and that doesn't work. How about AA? Or Rational Recovery, SMART, therapy, Allan Carr's Easy Way... Or maybe just stop drinking alcohol no matter what. I don't have an answer for you, but from where I sit, continued drinking seems a poor choice.

Nothing else will matter if you die from withdrawal, so I'd work on that first.

MarathonMan

She's left.....i think she was intending on going when she talked this morning to me but couldnt say it out right. Gone to her sisters who wouldnt have allowed it with out it being agreed earlier so very much a planned exit.

ru12

Maybe it will be easier for you to detox without her there. I'm sorry you are goi g through this.

MarathonMan

Me too....im at a loss what to say or do

2muchpain

Don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like your going to lose that good job anyway if you continue to drink, along with your family. At least going into detox than treatment will show your wife you mean it. Many people have been able to re-build their careers or start a new career once they quit drinking.
I can understand why you're scared right now, but how scared do you think you will feel if your left with nothing but a bottle? You've faced difficult challenges before but always found a way to succeed. You must of come up with a plan on how to do this. Look at it this way. Your running a marathon against your AV, who is right behind you. Make a plan and fight this. I know you can do it. John

Hevyn

MM - I'm so glad you posted. Your SR friends believe in you - there is no doubt you can reclaim your life and salvage you family. Drinking turns us into strangers - I don't know why we ever think it'll be any different.

MarathonMan

Dont think ive ever felt so alone......i think maybe its for the best.....i know poor me, pour me another but I genuinly think I might be too broken to pull back from the precipise.

MarathonMan

I dont think I spelt precipise correctly but dont know the right spelling.