last chance
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
The thinking and the talking are coming from the bender fueled addiction, can you see that? You said before that you were trapped, the door out is the quit door, but the addiction will not allow you to see that. I know , I can see what your addiction is not letting you see right now, everyone here knows , listen to what they are saying.
Believe us the door does exist.
Believe us the door does exist.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 611
Anyway im going to sign off now, as you can probably tell ive started drinking pretty hard so my posts will get much less constructive. Thank you for all the support everyone has given and maybe things will look different tomorrow...i doubt it though. Today has been to hard to think about sobriety.....think I need oblivion today
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
If you have a good relationship with your doctor, maybe they will give you Librium on an outpatient basis with the doctor monitoring and follow-up visits every two days or so. My doctor did that for me and I was able to avoid going to a detox center or tapering on my own. Good luck to you MM. Even if your wife has left, you still need to stop drinking. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 42
It seems like you have already made the decision about what aspect of your life is most important, and it sounds more like your AV talking than your rational self. I am sure you are shocked and hurt by your wife's decision to leave and those sort of feelings can lead us further down a path of self destruction.
You really need to think about what is best for you long term, for your family and yourself. I doubt your wife wants to leave and split up your family, especially with a child in the mix, but I also know that people can only take so much before they reach their breaking point and begin taking drastic measures. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is make sure you don't drink to keep a clear head and figure out what to do from there. If you are concerned with withdrawl you do need to get to a doctor even if it changes the situation with your job. You are worth it and I am sure you can be the sober man that your wife and child need.
I was in a similar boat with my wife and daughter and, while our relationship is still not perfect, I am so thankful that I received the wake up call that I did. Things get so much better if you are willing to make the changes that are so desperately needed.
You really need to think about what is best for you long term, for your family and yourself. I doubt your wife wants to leave and split up your family, especially with a child in the mix, but I also know that people can only take so much before they reach their breaking point and begin taking drastic measures. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is make sure you don't drink to keep a clear head and figure out what to do from there. If you are concerned with withdrawl you do need to get to a doctor even if it changes the situation with your job. You are worth it and I am sure you can be the sober man that your wife and child need.
I was in a similar boat with my wife and daughter and, while our relationship is still not perfect, I am so thankful that I received the wake up call that I did. Things get so much better if you are willing to make the changes that are so desperately needed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi MM.
So sorry you are struggling. You know, when I came back to SR in January last year to finally try to get sober for good, it was after a year of misery wanting to quit on my own but not being able to put down the drink for even a straight week. And almost every single day during that year I was thinking about my life, everything I had in it that I worked for hard and liked so much before my drinking got into the picture. Every day I was living in this terror, imagining everything falling apart and I wished I were already dead to not see it happening. Unfortunately, alcoholism does not destroy us in a quick and relatively pain-free way. What really kicked my butt in the end was a couple months I spent supporting and caring for a good friend of mine who was dying of cancer, I also spent some of his last days with him in the hospital. I saw myself in him constantly, except that I also saw how I was causing trouble and pain also to a lot of people that had nothing to do with my addiction and did not understand my behavior at all. That picture EndGame posted... that's how my mental world looked to me all the time, just like it does for many of us who struggle with advanced addiction, I believe. The thing is, you don't need to have your life look like that if you quit now permanently.
After that time with my friend, I came back to SR, and started really getting into the board... and seeing the many sad stories people report as a consequence of alcoholism. It really worked for me, it deepened that mental image I'd already had... I can't tell you how glad I am that I was finally scared sh1tless and stopped. The negative reinforcement was very efficient for me in the beginning and for a good while.
I also still remember the mindset during my drinking and each time I got into the bottle again: thinking "oh just this last binge, I'll get away with this and I do something later". It sounds like for you, now is really the time.
Please do not get the apparent negative tone of this post wrong, MM... I'm doing it only because I feel your pain, I just recalled all that. Please see a doctor and get help with detox, and stop now, it's so much easier that way. I am sure your wife would listen to this and maybe go to the doctor with you?
Do it now.
So sorry you are struggling. You know, when I came back to SR in January last year to finally try to get sober for good, it was after a year of misery wanting to quit on my own but not being able to put down the drink for even a straight week. And almost every single day during that year I was thinking about my life, everything I had in it that I worked for hard and liked so much before my drinking got into the picture. Every day I was living in this terror, imagining everything falling apart and I wished I were already dead to not see it happening. Unfortunately, alcoholism does not destroy us in a quick and relatively pain-free way. What really kicked my butt in the end was a couple months I spent supporting and caring for a good friend of mine who was dying of cancer, I also spent some of his last days with him in the hospital. I saw myself in him constantly, except that I also saw how I was causing trouble and pain also to a lot of people that had nothing to do with my addiction and did not understand my behavior at all. That picture EndGame posted... that's how my mental world looked to me all the time, just like it does for many of us who struggle with advanced addiction, I believe. The thing is, you don't need to have your life look like that if you quit now permanently.
After that time with my friend, I came back to SR, and started really getting into the board... and seeing the many sad stories people report as a consequence of alcoholism. It really worked for me, it deepened that mental image I'd already had... I can't tell you how glad I am that I was finally scared sh1tless and stopped. The negative reinforcement was very efficient for me in the beginning and for a good while.
I also still remember the mindset during my drinking and each time I got into the bottle again: thinking "oh just this last binge, I'll get away with this and I do something later". It sounds like for you, now is really the time.
Please do not get the apparent negative tone of this post wrong, MM... I'm doing it only because I feel your pain, I just recalled all that. Please see a doctor and get help with detox, and stop now, it's so much easier that way. I am sure your wife would listen to this and maybe go to the doctor with you?
Do it now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 611
I think I am where I was destined to be....my mother was heroin addict so at least maybe im a positive evolution on the addiction scale....she died at 50 though so hopefully I last a bit longer. Feeling more positive after reflecting for an hour, they know I love them and I know theyre safe so not all bad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi MM, I truly hope you are able to put the pieces back together. Its very compassionate and thoughtful what you say about letting them go from a guy like you, but its not what you want, and I'm sure its not what they want. They want someone who is present in their lives. What endgame said is so true. Taper down, or get some meds and get sober, figure it out from there. Quite frankly I'm surprised you were able to binge for 8 weeks and keep your job, you must be incredibly strong mentally. You can do this, what's your other option...give up? That's never an option. Especially if you've run marathons.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
OK, dear friend, go pass out drunkenly so you miss seeing me roll my eyes at the sad, sad "it will be better for them if I just curl up in a ball and accept my alcoholism and let them go" sentiments...
blah, blah, blah. I have sat through the many alcohol fueled monologues of my good friend "R" in the real-world, who recently lost his wife and children after years and years and years of false promises and conflict over his alcoholism. He is now drowning his very real pain in yet more alcohol, and he actually does sit in the darkened one-room apartment every single night, drinking and watching the same movies over and over, while he cries and regrets the loss of his family.
He is a wonderful man and an excellent father, and as he blubbers self-pity at his loss of his family, I want to scream "but they LOST YOU...don't you see...what a horrible, horrible thing to do to your children!!!"
Interestingly, his only concern...ever...is HIS loss. And still, the whole time, the whole damn time, all he had to do was get sober. His wife gave him warning after warning before she hit the ultimatums and then...finally...was gone.
And he does go to the very same place, the "well, I'm a drunk, and it is just better that they don't see me like this," and the part he doesn't get is that BEING A DRUNK IS A CHOICE!!! Being an alcoholic isn't a choice, at least that's what we've all agreed to believe, that we are "wired for it," but we already know the solution. Abstinence is the only solution. The only way to be abstinent is to stop drinking.
Just go to the freaking hospital and turn yourself in. Go through a supervised medical detox. It will only take a couple of days. If you have to tell your job that you have stomach flu, then lie! Text your wife and tell her that she and the baby are the only important things in your world and that you are checking yourself into the hospital. Do not crazy up the message with a bunch of regret and whining. Just give her the info and check yourself into detox. When you get out, do AA, do the dishes, take care of the baby, stay sober and man the f### up!!! Don't abandon this good woman with a baby!! That is a horrible thing to do to her, and a horrible thing to do to the baby!!
If your sobriety is boring or difficult, well, too bad. It will get better, and you will get better, and if nothing else you will be doing the right thing and won't have to live your whole life with the guilt and shame of abandoning your family.
Even if you detox and get sober and she doesn't return, it positions you to be a fabulous father, sharing custody.
You will have so much joy from parenting! You will grow so profoundly!! How can you bear to miss that experience?
Children grow up. Time passes. You're going to miss the whole damn thing, and even if you get sober later, you will have missed so much.
I just don't understand. I don't understand when I talk to "R" and I don't understand when I hear this from you. I understand if someone doesn't know how to quit, doesn't have any experience or connection with recovery, but that isn't you. I understand drinking when you are alone and lonely. I don't understand giving up a loving partner and a child to drink. I am sober and alone; I would give up most anything to have someone to love who loved me back...
blah, blah, blah. I have sat through the many alcohol fueled monologues of my good friend "R" in the real-world, who recently lost his wife and children after years and years and years of false promises and conflict over his alcoholism. He is now drowning his very real pain in yet more alcohol, and he actually does sit in the darkened one-room apartment every single night, drinking and watching the same movies over and over, while he cries and regrets the loss of his family.
He is a wonderful man and an excellent father, and as he blubbers self-pity at his loss of his family, I want to scream "but they LOST YOU...don't you see...what a horrible, horrible thing to do to your children!!!"
Interestingly, his only concern...ever...is HIS loss. And still, the whole time, the whole damn time, all he had to do was get sober. His wife gave him warning after warning before she hit the ultimatums and then...finally...was gone.
And he does go to the very same place, the "well, I'm a drunk, and it is just better that they don't see me like this," and the part he doesn't get is that BEING A DRUNK IS A CHOICE!!! Being an alcoholic isn't a choice, at least that's what we've all agreed to believe, that we are "wired for it," but we already know the solution. Abstinence is the only solution. The only way to be abstinent is to stop drinking.
Just go to the freaking hospital and turn yourself in. Go through a supervised medical detox. It will only take a couple of days. If you have to tell your job that you have stomach flu, then lie! Text your wife and tell her that she and the baby are the only important things in your world and that you are checking yourself into the hospital. Do not crazy up the message with a bunch of regret and whining. Just give her the info and check yourself into detox. When you get out, do AA, do the dishes, take care of the baby, stay sober and man the f### up!!! Don't abandon this good woman with a baby!! That is a horrible thing to do to her, and a horrible thing to do to the baby!!
If your sobriety is boring or difficult, well, too bad. It will get better, and you will get better, and if nothing else you will be doing the right thing and won't have to live your whole life with the guilt and shame of abandoning your family.
Even if you detox and get sober and she doesn't return, it positions you to be a fabulous father, sharing custody.
You will have so much joy from parenting! You will grow so profoundly!! How can you bear to miss that experience?
Children grow up. Time passes. You're going to miss the whole damn thing, and even if you get sober later, you will have missed so much.
I just don't understand. I don't understand when I talk to "R" and I don't understand when I hear this from you. I understand if someone doesn't know how to quit, doesn't have any experience or connection with recovery, but that isn't you. I understand drinking when you are alone and lonely. I don't understand giving up a loving partner and a child to drink. I am sober and alone; I would give up most anything to have someone to love who loved me back...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Your wife is giving you a chance here. Take it and run with it. I think all of us reach a point where we have to decide to start fixing stuff (stopping) and letting our lives go to hell. You can turn this around but the time for complacency is over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 611
Thomas - thanks man I appreciate your post....i managed to keep my job as without boasting, me on a bad day is better than most, im very industry experienced so even with a hangover I know the answers to the questions. As to who wanted what im sure it will become apparant over the next few days....i might need to use this thread as an online journal for the next few days while I get my **** figured out....nice to know some are routing for me....had a few pm's telling me im a dick.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by MarathonMan 
I think I am where I was destined to be....my mother was heroin addict so at least maybe im a positive evolution on the addiction scale....she died at 50 though so hopefully I last a bit longer.
You cannot at all imagine how terribly disturbing and heartbreaking it is for me to see you put yourself through what I did. I did lose everything, including my will to live. I came close to dying on more than one occasion, as I was told by the ER staff each time I was brought there after passing out at work and at home, when I wasn't even drinking, and on one occasion falling from a second-floor window when I was drinking. My body was shutting down each time in order to manage basic, involuntary functions, such as breathing and pumping blood through my system.
Like you, I believed that I was beyond help, that dying as an active alcoholic was my destiny, and I didn't even care about it. My chances for achieving sobriety were very slim, and even slimmer for rebuilding my life. And like many, I waited much too long to stop killing myself. Don't even look for a fractured silver lining in my story. My getting sober in the end was an exception, and my losing everything in the process did not at all make me a better person. It was only action that brought me back to life.
Any thoughts you have that your wife will come back on some mythical day in the future when you finally put down the drink are only indicators of bad faith on your part in the service of allowing yourself to continue to drink until it's "really over." They are delusions that only add to your overwhelming feelings and dishonest thoughts of helplessness. As I and many of us have done, you're lying to yourself and destroying your life in the process so that you can continue to drink.
Saving your job by tapering at home is a pipe dream. In no particular order, we often lose everything when we give up and come to the unoriginal and misguided conclusion that we are beyond help...spouse/partner, family, job, personal integrity, trust, self-respect, home, health, money, credibility and purpose. Some people may think that the photograph I attached to a previous post is melodramatic. That's only true until it happens to you.
Why would you at all expect that you can hold onto your job when you essentially sat by idly in the process of losing your wife and child? Unless your alcoholic thinking leads you to believe that your wife is only bluffing. And that would be a very sad thing.
You know the drill...medical attention, detox, rehab, AA, AVRT, counseling...whatever it takes. Now is not the time to despair, which is no decision at all, and which only breeds more despair. Now is the time to act.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by MarathonMan
Thomas - thanks man I appreciate your post....i managed to keep my job as without boasting, me on a bad day is better than most, im very industry experienced so even with a hangover I know the answers to the questions. As to who wanted what im sure it will become apparant over the next few days....i might need to use this thread as an online journal for the next few days while I get my **** figured out....nice to know some are routing for me....had a few pm's telling me im a dick.
You need to make this happen, your "destiny to remain an addict" is bulls**t. Call a doctor, call AA, call a detox center - but call someone. You cannot do this on your own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 611
Scott - a few people called me a dick I never said they were wrong....even drunk I kmow im abhorant. Today was too much for me so im very drunk but tomorrow i'll start the climb up the mountain and hopefully end up at shangri-la....i just hope my wife and son will be there with me.
Last edited by Dee74; 04-08-2015 at 01:30 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Precipice.
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, MarathonMan.
Things may seem desperate right now and I'm sure you're in a lot of pain. There's only one path to go forward - detox and get sober. Drinking now would only worsen and prolong your pain and would dig you deeper into a bottomless pit... Stop digging. You will find hope again, things can get better, but you have to stop. Make tomorrow your day 1 and stick through sobriety no matter what.
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, MarathonMan.
Things may seem desperate right now and I'm sure you're in a lot of pain. There's only one path to go forward - detox and get sober. Drinking now would only worsen and prolong your pain and would dig you deeper into a bottomless pit... Stop digging. You will find hope again, things can get better, but you have to stop. Make tomorrow your day 1 and stick through sobriety no matter what.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by MarathonMan
Scott - also my wife never gave me the last chance, she said she'd let me taper this morning and walked out this evening. Even the title of the thread is phalacey (spelt wrong as dislexic)
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