It's in the middle of the night and I can't sleep.
I have been working the steps lately and I'm still in the process of doing the inventory. I've been thinking a lot about how I was in the past and cause I don't always trust my version of the past (I became so good at lying to myself) I read old Facebook messages and mails...
Oh dear, what a jerk I was! It's so embarrassing! I didn't give much of a **** about how I made the people around me feel, I was so self-centred and self righteous. I destroyed other people's relationships, just because I wanted to get my will or saw my ego threatened. And yes it costed me that friendship but I didn't even care, I just thought it was good that the other person didn't get their will either. I sabotaged and manipulated and lied and cheated. And I completely forgot about it all! Well probably not on a subconscious level.
Now I see things so differently. I have this routine of burning all bridges after me. A long list of friendships that ended and I never ever talked to the people again. Almost all my ex partners. It ended, I blocked them and never talked to them again ever. Cause my ego was too hurt and I felt like they had their chance and now that they have let me down once they don't deserve any of my precious time anymore.
I am thinking about what a cold, calculating person I was. And if that's still part of my character maybe. I'm thinking about my boyfriend. And I'm wondering if he still wanted to be with me had I told him about all of this. He thinks I'm incredibly kind and sweet hearted and have been mistreated in the past. He doesn't know how many people I hurt knowingly and how little I cared about them. He doesn't know about all my lies.
Should I tell him? Not in every detail but just let him know that I'm not as sweet and innocent as he thinks I am?