PhoenixJ

C2- I thought very carefully before posting my thoughts. I was quite aware at how much it played on my mind. Gran drove to the meeting- at least 30 minutes. She spoke of almost making the choice of not to come. She had 2 dogs in her car. She was well dressed- neat hair, spoke with articulation. She laughed and seemed relaxed. Her memory was good as she referred not only to stuff from the meeting- but yesterday, last week and years ago. She mentioned having good family connections and not drinking for some time. My concern was the safety of the kid.

IWLSAST

Oh, DZD, what a reminder of my early sobriety your post offered. I had lawyers, probation, court dates, a medieval torture device on my ankle to tell on me if I strayed from home or drank, family illness, not working with financial woes, and that list goes on and on.

My brain was only beginning to exit the fog. I was eating unhealthy and terribly overweight. The past and future wanted to drag me away from present tense at every turn of events.

Add it all up and you get is someone physically, emotionally and mentally a mess.

That's the down side of that equation...

Here's the good stuff:

I had and continue to have what you certainly have...The desire to go to any measure to stay sober and fight.

And, now as I look back....the most important thing that was happening to me was that I was waking up SPIRITUALLY. Haha, I had no idea what this new power was that was greater than me and helping me to deal with all the wreckage.

A sense of spirituality gradually has grown inside of me in recovery. In some ways, in spite of my desire to resist. So has my wonder about what that source is (haha, I'll spare you those evolving thoughts).

Bottom line...I can only offer MY experience, strength and hope. For me...even in the most bleak of times, I somehow knew that as long as I didn't pick up, went to meetings to expand assmosis, and allowed myself to believe in the process...that somehow the promises would come my way. They have for me - and they can and will for you - if you want them and continue to do the work. IMHO

Off to gym this morning (haha, that's a new one), then going to pick blueberries at a farm with the mad scientist...to be followed by the beach. Hey, it's Florida.

Enjoy the day, all.

Carlos

FBL

Have a great weekend, gang!

Kris47

Some days all you can do is breathe. And know that you're on the right path.

Love to all.

Off to my Saturday morning meditation meeting.

Delizadee

Wonderful post Carlos thank you. Yep that's where I'm at. I know that if I take care of myself and my spirituality things unfold as they need too. I have so much gratitude today for where I am at .

Re kids in meetings: I took no offense and didn't mean to be critical of anyone. I would prefer not to bring Charlie to my meetings because it's hard to share things for me so I know it is for others. I'd rather not bring her and agree the safety of the child whether it be physical or emotional is important to protect.

My pain comes from how many single parents especially ones with no drivers have little to no support. I am trying to set up a bit of a mobile group for this purpose. I've been looking into it. Something I would really benefit from too.
Sorry if I seemed whiny I love you guys all. This corner of my world has become a safe little place to just hash out my rock head.

SO I had my babysitting kids for night last stay for sleep over. I offered cause mom was sick. My daily work is a service work that I get a lot out of and I'm helping other parents know they're children are in good care and it's been so good for me
And I dare say for the kids too.

I'm being April fooled by my body. I have a massive hangover type headache. 90 days going strong. No drinking today

Good morning sunshines !

gleefan

I'll be moving on Tuesday. Packing is moving along. The attic is now completely empty.

I'm taking a quick break from packing my house right now. There are four of us - me, my husband, and 2 kids. It is a huge task that I find so, so draining.

The honesty and rawness of the posts here have truly inspired me and given me just the boost I needed.

1 - I'm sober, and nothing is as dreary as that time lost to using and hangovers.

2 - It's ok to be overwhelmed and have difficult feelings, so long as I stay sober.

3 - To Gil's point, as a sober person I've developed tools and perspective to handle stress better than I used to. I told my husband I was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do next, and he used facts and reason to show me iwe were getting things done.

4 - I'm grateful and humbled that a drunk like me was spared. Like Carlos I won't bore you with my thoughts on my hp, but I believe I must share this hope with others.

5 - To Del's point, I'm grateful to have a safe haven to express myself here.

Thinking of all of you - Tom, Kris, PJ, Courage, et al as I putter around and pack my house.

courage2

I know you did -- only, I didn't. My bad.

Never ever any need for an apology. You're not the only one using this thread to knock the barnacles off the boat.

Glee, I hesitated to say so earlier, but now seems the time. I moved from a house on an acre w/2 cars, etc to a small apartment, no car. I did it all myself -- my son helped me only by accompanying me on some escapades -- scrounging packing boxes from recycling bins behind liquor stores in the middle of the night LOL. I also had to leave the place spotless and get out of town. My husband was on the other side of the country getting us a new place to live.

I can only describe it as a traumatic experience. PLEASE take care of yourself. This is the kind of thing, if you can afford to, throw money at it. Call on your closest friend for help, and treat him/her to a massage on Wednesday in exchange. Hire teenagers to haul away your trash -- you'll have plenty -- and to wash the walls & floors.

I wish you, myself, and all the members of F.I.S.T. a healthy, sober, useful day.

courage2

OMG did I forget to write this:

Congratulations Delizadee on 90 days!

Kris47

CONGRATULATIONS on 90 days, Delizadee! That's an awesome achievement!

Dee74

Congrats Delizadee

D

Kris47

Hi ya Dee.

Delizadee

Thanks guys

I'm having a hard day. Courage your post pressed right on my hurt spots... today my ex went to get more of the rest of the stuff from the farm and I had wanted to go to.
He told me it had all been cleaned out. Readying for selling.
It's gone. it really is. He said it wouldn't be a good place for me to go right now. The 12th would have been 5 years since we moved into the farm. My heart hurts.
And I think about the moving I did into my small little duplex now. I did everything by myself in my van and many trips and with my little one with me. All except for the couches and beds. It took me 4 months to get most of it.

Talk about ripping off the bandaid slowly.

Anyway. I had the thought today a few times of drinking tonight. I have a very trying toddler today who ran through my backyard Which is full of mushy dog crap barefoot and I had to chase her. That was the highlight of the worst. And my little angel isn't here. Haha I'm terrible.
Seems like a drinking day.

I thought I'd be a little more chipper about it. Only 4.5 more hours until I can just cry alone.

So grateful for you guys

courage2

Deliza there's no option anymore for a drinking day. Alcohol is off the table. You'll learn that and embrace it. Those thoughts that it "seems like" -- they're just ghosts. Your ghosts will fade some day. I don't know why they have to hurt us so much before they fade, but you'll reach a point where it's not so bad.

Benchmarks suck. So does drinking. Share an ice cream sundae with that little girl of yours, and take a long hot bath after she goes to sleep.

badgerden

Glad you found us, another awesome group to be in!

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badgerden

hugs your way Deliza, hope you were able to find peace away from the alcohol. 90 Days and life to go, we are here for you!

Ice cream sundae,, yummm, my first job was at a Dairy queen,, oh my gosh, the banana splits I would make for myself,,,, oh ya,,,, memories,,,

Raising my fist for another sober day and plan to do the same tomorrow!!

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Delizadee

I'm all alone tonight after 930.
Glee I wish I was there to help.

And you're right courage. Not only is it out of the question it's so pointless.
I can't even hit up a meeting because it's too late when the girls leave.

Arrgh now having miscommunication with a mom about payment for the month or 2 weeks up front... she seemed just fine with it when we started and now she wants to pay at the end of two weeks :/
What do I get self into sometimes jeez. I didn't want this Much hassle and I can't feed all these kids on fairy farts and unicorn poop.

For someone with such an apparent lack in good experience on my resume I always seem to pick some tricky jobs.

I want to go back to cleaning houses
Nahhh I want a sugar daddy or to win the lotto.

Grumble Grumble
Ugh I just feel crap.

Maybe I should go play bingo tonight lol

badgerden

Good evening Gilmer and Phoenix, and Kris and Tomls and Deliza, and Courage and to Dee and Iwlsast, Steely .

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badgerden

Delizadee, our posts must have crossed. Maybe your sugar daddy is awaiting you at the bingo parlor??,,,,, If nothing else you can take your aggression out on the poor bingo card,,,,,,

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Delizadee

My dad or my ex or a friend could come with. But I just see it all becoming a much bigger issue if I bring someone. My dad maybe not... but anyone else, he will turn it into something.

Right now I'm just walking a thin line with him keeping him where I need him. He thinks he's on my good side and pressuring me to let this whole court thing go because "we're on good talking terms".
I have to put up with him to an extent I guess putting up a front as to the status quo, so I can keep things moving forward.
I'm sober, I'm starting to make an income, and I have followed the court order to the letter.
He, on the other hand is in violation of it, and he knows it.
Nothing but lies, manipulations and games.

I just shake my way through it. My counselor was the one who helped my lawyer to understand just how abusive my ex is and how much it impacts me. And it does. Every time. In person, on the phone, it doesn't matter. I just shake.
But I'm still standing so he can stick it.

And still sober.

Delizadee