NorCaliGal

Hi All -

I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to the recovery after my hand surgery which is taking much longer than I was led to believe. I've been out for five weeks and the doctor wrote me out for another six. Can't type with both hands without pain in my left hand, and the phone app is difficult to post long messages. And today I need to post I long one.

Well here it goes. I drank. Three times now since I've been off. The latest time being last night. First I had some wine with family. My boyfriend was not there - he was working - and I think I said in the past that no one in my family thinks I have a drinking problem so they were not concerned and actually happy that I was able to drink because my boyfriend wasn't there. But it didn't stop there - then I let my niece and her husband take me out to a bar. What was I thinking?? Social drinking is my nemesis - always has been. Stayed out too late, hung out with the twenty-somethings when here I am a woman who is almost 48 years old, drove home when I shouldn't have - my niece and her friend followed me to make sure I got home okay and they shouldn't have been driving either. Put myself and others at risk on the road, absolutely no excuse for that.

But it gets worse. This morning even though physically I felt okay to avoid a hangover that I felt sure was coming I took some Nyquil after my boyfriend left for work. In my heaving drinking days if I took some cough syrup after drinking I could avoid a hangover, so I thought I'd give it a try. So stupid. I actually can't take Nyquil normally. I react very badly to the medication in it and pass out. So that's exactly what happened. Room started spinning and I fainted twice in the bathroom. If anyone out there has fainted, you know it's a different feeling than passing out from drinking. I used to faint a lot as a kid (docs never figured out why) so I know the difference. But I smacked my arm and head (under my eyebrow) pretty hard the second time on the floor. I'm definitely going to have a bruise on my arm and under my eyebrow. I think my glasses frames will cover it pretty well but thank goodness I'm off work right now.

I'm okay now. But I could have killed myself with the Nyquil thing!!! How absolutely insane.

I feel like I've completely lost my mind. I'm so not proud of myself. I should be a better support for my boyfriend. Just weeks ago I was so upset that he drank. I should be a better me.

Needed to be honest with my Julyers. I'm on day one again because I'm a complete idiot.

Have my first physical therapy appointment today. I'm okay now, sober and no ill effects now from the Nyquil other than the bruises, but completely and absolutely shaken up by my own behavior. You all know how much I'm beating myself up right now, I'll spare you from having to read all the self loathing that's going through my mind. I feel like I let everyone down.

I love my Julyers.

NCG

SnoozyQ

ooooh sweetheart , I'm so sorry :-(

I know the utter remorse and disappointment you must be feeling . Thank you for being honest with us cos you could have said nothing .

OMG this bloody demon we have to carry around for the rest of our lives is unbelievable !

I could have been you today tho .

Last night we went out for my Mums 75th birthday to a pub . I knew i was in danger if drinking as i have done nothing but think a bout doing it for the last 3 days .wtf!

I asked Shaun to take the night of work cos i didn't trust myself .

Thank god he did , cos Mum and Dad left early and we were left with all the drinkers who were pretty well ticking on .

I was watching women around me sipping on white wine , they were EVERYWHERE . Shaun got me 4 lemon lime and bitters through dinner ( thank god for him)

Then we left , but i too could have had your story this morning NCG .

So please take some solace in the fact that the way you are feeling today has absolutely strengthened my conviction NOT to drink . I thought i would be ok if i just had 3 ... And in even thinking that way , deep down i knew 1 would never be enough .

I'm so sorry you feel remorse as you knew you would . Why oh why cant it ever leave us ....is it the bloody full moon or the blood orange moon or some crap making us weird ?

At least here we can all be perfectly honest with no judgement . Just love and support .

Make sure you come here every day even for 5 mins love . It will help you .....and all of us .

Love you lots xxx don't beat yourself up , what's done is done .day 1 it is and we are all here for you .

Much love always xxxxxx

Dee74

Don;t beat yourself up too much NCG. what's done is done.

This thing is relentless and it will get in anywhere it thinks there's a chink in your armour.

Learn the lessons and get back to where you want to be

D

Dee74

I'm glad you got through it Snooz - what do you think is going on?

D

NorCaliGal

Thanks Snoozy and Dee. Oh and I 'fessed up to my boyfriend too. I was sure I must have reeked of alcohol when I got home but he seemed surprised when I told him. We didn't talk a lot about it (even though I wanted to - my mouth will run when I feel guilty about something!); he doesn't talk much about his own drinking with me.

He's active in AA and is communicating with his sponsor and back on track.

And I'm back here daily. Learning those lessons Dee! And always learning a lot about myself.

Much love,
NCG

SnoozyQ

I just don't know Dee . I don't know :/

Dee74

Summer madness Snooz?

D

SnoozyQ

Possibly ! It always seems to be on a BBQ type sunny day ..you may have something there ! Xx

SnoozyQ

Orrrrr ...maybe I'm just mad !!!! Lol

Croissant

NCG, firstly....lovely to hear from you.xx

Sorry it's in not very good circumstances.

I think we all understand the disappointed feeling when we've tripped on our plans for sobriety. Most of all, I found the "why not just one more drinking session, then I'll stop again", voice that is unleashed when we break a good stint of sobriety.

I'm also worried for you, Snooz.

I guess my question is, are you both still incorporating some commitment to your sobriety each day? What tools are in your routine now?

For me, I come here each day still, read at least a few newcomers posts, to remind me of how much I don't want to hurt like that anymore. And encourage occasionally, if I feel it's appropriate.

Then I read something physically or spiritually focused, either on nutrition, or how to manage stress. I try to get some regular exercise.

Regardless of what I do, what I'm trying to say, I simply must keep up at least an hour of commitment just to me each day, and that I'm not going to just give myself over to alcohol so easily again.

I did journal a lot this year and that helped me so much to be self aware, when I start to get run down, not eat properly etc.

Either way, I hope you both find a way through this.

Dee74

Thanks Crois - you put into words what I wanted to convey but couldn't.

I hope you guys, and anyone else reading, will come here first if the madness overtakes you again.

It's what this thread is about

D

SnoozyQ

Crois thanks love .

Since i haven't been posting every day here anymore , I've found myself isolating .

I never felt that way whilst i was 100% committed .

I need to start doing this every day .

Xxxx

NorCaliGal

Hi Crois -

Thank you. Your entire post was spot-on. The two paragraphs I carved out I found particularly valuable.

There are multiple things I can cite that led to my recent drinking. But a key point is that I turned my sobriety into something I was doing to support my boyfriend, not something that I needed to do for myself. When he got sober I stopped all the effort I needed to put into me. So then when he drank in early September it became an "I've made all these sacrafices for you, been so supportive, and this is how you repay me" situation. Total martyrdom. Then I went into victim mode (which is what I have always accused him of) and told myself I deserved some enjoyment and drank again.

My own brain set me up for this. If I had continued my own work I may not have had a relapse.

Still dealing with the physical aftermath, as well as the psychological stuff. Chills, shakes, heart palpitations, dry heaves, heartburn, "intestinal distress", sweats. I really did a number on myself. Thankful that I am home and don't have to go through a workday like this.

And grateful for the opportunity to work on my sobriety.

Stacy
(aka NCG)

resolute50

I missed you,NCG.
I'm so sorry that your feeling bad. I know you have the strength to get back on track.
Thankful that you did get seriously hurt.

NorCaliGal

Thought I would finally share what I look like - this was taken early Wednesday night (so I was sober at that point) I'm holding my two week old great niece.

Sorry if it's sideways - can't figure out how to rotate it after it's posted while using my phone.


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NorCaliGal

Thanks Bob. I too am thankful that all I have are the after-effects of a night of heavy drinking and a few bruises from fainting. I could be so much worse.

I haven't gone back through the posts from the months I've been MIA. I hope your job search is going well. I've been laid off three times in my adult working life. It's very stressful. Sending out positive vibes for you!

Stacy

SnoozyQ

NCG :-) you are lovely :-) xxxxx

What a happy pic , I'm so glad you are posting here again with us , but wish it were under different circumstances got your sake xx

When you ticked off those vile aftermath symptoms , especially the "intestinal ditres" lol it brought disgusting memories flooding back, which i needed to hear .

You will be ok hun , your with friends now ..

Good to see you Bob , how's your be
Iced pooch going ?

Love to everyone else xxxx

NorCaliGal

Thanks Snoozy.

I should have never stopped checking in. Crois is so right about the need to put the time in. I need to be here.

Thought I may be oversharing with the physical stuff. I'm glad it was helpful! It is amazing how we can go right back to the awful physical state we'd left behind for the healthier state we have during our sobriety. During my heavy daily drinking days I could have recovered from Wednesdsy night by the middle of the next day. Today I feel like I had a multi-day binge, not just one night. It is horrible. But a good reminder of where one drink will lead me to.

Leshar

NCG sorry for your troubles. You too, Nikki.

I'm in an awful bind. On waiting list for rTMS, but suicidally depressed so psych referred me to another psych for intranasal ketamine. Go on tues.
I wonder if sobriety has pushed me to the edge? I can't drink now tho, sometimes I wonder if I've done myself more damage not drinking??
So empty and lonely and no family support.

NorCaliGal

Oh Leshar I'm so sorry. Is there any way to get the appointment for ketamine any earlier?

We are here for you!