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Class of July 2013 Part 15

Old 10-11-2014, 08:31 PM
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Snooz, God love ya!

Cute.
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Old 10-11-2014, 08:36 PM
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Having two alcoholics in a relationship is really hard.

do you think he's taken this opportunity as his free go nuts card in response to your drinking?

That might be so, (we alkies are opportunists after all) but honestly NCG if it wasn't you drinking it could easily be something else.

I don't believe you're responsible

As for rules? It's really hard to lay down the law when you've been transgressing boundaries yourself.

But if you don't, then it's open slather....and I know you don't want that.

It's your place right? you get to make the rules.

But I do think you'll need to be prepared to stick to them yourself, if only for your own peace of mind.

(Just read Crois' post:I'm assuming you no longer want to split up?)

D
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Old 10-12-2014, 07:19 AM
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Good morning -

Well, had a very long conversation with my BF last night. I was really trying to understand what he was feeling/thinking about his drinking yesterday. I admit, I sometimes struggle in conversations with him - he tends to give metaphors as answers instead of direct answers and it can be really frustrating. So even though we had a long conversation about AA, my own drinking and his drinking I went to bed and didn't sleep at all. Basically felt like I was having small panic attacks all night. Seriously at one point I thought I was going to throw up.

So I got up early today and talked with him briefly. Told him I needed to understand if his goal is to not drink. He said yes.

He also pointed out how much I worry about things I can't control. So true. I can't control his drinking. And I worry about a ton of other stuff I can't control.

So here's where I'm at - if his goal is to not drink, I'm of course supportive of his goal. I will put my focus on my goal of not drinking (something I can control.) If he slips again or relapses then I will decide what to do at that time (trying not to worry about the future and things I can't control here.) I will set whatever limits or take whatever actions are best for me at that time - up to and including ending the relationship if that's what needs to happen for my own well being. (Crois, to answer your question, the terms of our lease go month to month next month.)

I feel better knowing that we have a common goal - to not drink.

Dee, I don't think he drank because I did. I really believe that he didn't even understand that I also have a drinking problem until last night (even though I've told him this in the past!) so his drinking was not a "well she did it, so I will too." There's something else going on here. I think I get it, but it's too much to explain in this post.

I will admit feeling, and this is the wrong attitude but it's honestly bothering me, that I lost some sort of bargaining chip by relapsing myself. And I know that's focusing on his recovery, not mine, that a relationship doesn't work like that etc. But I'm putting it out there. I lost my "holier than thou-ness". It's humbling and hard when you discover parts of yourself that you don't like very much.

I have a lot of hard work to do. Thanks for your continued input and support.

NCG
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Old 10-12-2014, 10:36 AM
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Hello class.
Hope everybody is having a nice Sunday. I'm watching football and eating way too many snacks.It's a beautiful day and really should be outside enjoying the weather.
But,I'm a big football fan.
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:48 PM
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***I will admit feeling, and this is the wrong attitude but it's honestly bothering me, that I lost some sort of bargaining chip by relapsing myself. And I know that's focusing on his recovery, not mine, that a relationship doesn't work like that etc. But I'm putting it out there. I lost my "holier than thou-ness". It's humbling and hard when you discover parts of yourself that you don't like very much.******

Oh NCG i totally understand your thought process here . Absolutely as i know i would have felt exactly the same way .

But it it was it is , you are human. So look at it n a positive way . You are both on the same level , you are a team . If you look at this in a positive light , it's a actually taken some pressure off you.

He knows more about you than you think he does , so kudos to him for that .

Now you are both on equal footing , you can beat this thing together. If someone falters it doesn't make the other person better because they haven't , it's not a competition , you both love each other so don't beat yourself up anymore love .

We are all here to support you as your friends. The good thing to come out of this is that we have you back , my mum always says out f something bad comes something good .

She's right. I believe you and your partner can do this together . Just remember the awful feelings you have had since you drank . It's strengthened my conviction , so you have helped me , truly !

I was romanticising about it just a little bit too much of late , but you have made me see there is no bloody romance in booze . It's all a friggen lie ! I would be feeling exactly the same as you cos i couldn't stop at one .

Geez i was kidding myself , but thank you dear friend for opening my eyes even at your own expense and sharing how this has made you feel . You are such a good person NCG xx love you lots

xxxxx
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Old 10-12-2014, 04:33 PM
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Thanks so much Snoozy - love you right back.

My BF has actually made it pretty clear that he wants to work on his own stuff, and me work on mine, then together we can move forward. He's not looking at it as a team at all. But that's okay. I've worked this solo with the help of this group. I just hope he can get back on track, but I'm trying not to worry about that. He said his goal is to be sober, and I just have to go with that right now.

In fact, I think that was part of his trigger for drinking this last time. He mentioned that people in his meetings keep asking him to mentor, or team up - and he doesn't want that responsibility. He goes to meetings, goes out socially with some folks (dinner and golf), shares in the meetings, but does not feel like he wants to guide someone else ("tell them what to do, what the rules are", "everybody's different, I can't give them any guidance") And I do think when I said I also felt like I'd not been supportive of his efforts by drinking myself, well that was part of the same stress. So it wasn't that I drank (he didn't think I had a problem, and wasn't expecting me to not drink), it was one of the reasons that I was upset that I relapsed (that I felt that I'd let him down)....

(Hope that paragraph above makes sense.)

I also reached out to a close friend and one of my sisters today. Even though I told them both that I believed I was an alcoholic, they basically said no your not. Does anybody else get that from friends/family? It's not that they want me to drink - in fact they were very supportive of my saying that I will not drink again - but for some reason they just don't want to let me label myself as an alcoholic.

Thanks again - you (and all the Julyers) are the best!

NCG
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Old 10-12-2014, 10:22 PM
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Um yep , everyone in my family is pretty certain I'm an alcoholic lol ;-)
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:13 AM
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Originally Posted by SnoozyQ View Post
Um yep , everyone in my family is pretty certain I'm an alcoholic lol ;-)
That shouldn't make me laugh, but it did. I think my kids are happier that I don't drink, the label is irrelevant to them, only in that they know ( sadly) they will have to be on the lookout for it in themselves at some point.

NCG...so, enough of Ricardo. (Insert any name for your bf! Hehe.)

What about you...did you read much on alcoholism in the beginning? What helped you / what were your tools?
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Old 10-13-2014, 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted by SnoozyQ View Post
Um yep , everyone in my family is pretty certain I'm an alcoholic lol ;-)
Same here. By the time I reached the point of wanting to stop, just about everybody had a feeling I was an alcoholic. Even though the last relapse I had, I basically was a closet drinker.
But, they also are blind to their own issues. My father drinks way to much and my mother is on drugs to "keep her even". So we all have our problem and it seems the only one that can fix them is ourselves.

My AV has been acting up terrible since I've been unemployed. But, it's me that keeps that monster at bay. I know I would be in terrible shape if I started again. Unlike you Stacy, It would be very hard for me to stop and come back here. I would begin to fall into that bottomless pit again.

So, I'm scared to death to even think of relapse. Cause when I play it out in my mind it ends in disaster.
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:45 PM
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I cant see your attachments Bob?

D
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Old 10-13-2014, 03:17 PM
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Odd, I can see them in one my computer. But, not on my daughter's computer.
They're both Jpegs using the picture conversion from this site.
I can see them using IE 11 on this computer. I'll try with Google chrome on this computer, that is what the other computer used that I couldn't see them.
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Old 10-13-2014, 03:21 PM
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OK,for some reason Google Chrome will not show the pictures,but internet Explorer 11 will.
So,I have no idea why one is different than the other.
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Old 10-13-2014, 03:23 PM
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Golden sunrise off my deck. Uploaded in Google Chrome(much better)
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Old 10-13-2014, 03:25 PM
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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


Robert Frost

Picture from my walk this morning:
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Old 10-13-2014, 03:26 PM
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Dee,could you delete the two post that the pictures didn't work?
Seems Google Chrome is the browser to use.
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Old 10-13-2014, 03:29 PM
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They're working for me now Bob

D
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Old 10-13-2014, 04:53 PM
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Hi all -

Snoozy you crack me up!

You too Crois - Ricardo, ha ha!

Went to brunch with a friend today (the friend I reached out to on Sunday.) It was really nice. Had one of my favorite sandwiches at the cafe we went to - a crab and artichoke open face melt. Mmmm! And good conversation.

Then I went to physical therapy and my hand got quite a workout. Will be elevating and icing soon. Hand is coming along nicely though, very encouraging!

Crois, I think half of my Kindle is filled either with books on alcoholism/addiction or codependency! I'll have to list them when I'm on the laptop vs. my phone. I do recall that Carolyn Knapp's "Drinking - A Love Story" really resonated with me so I will be giving it a re-read. Also "Lit" by Mary ? (can't recall her last name off the top of my head.) Right now I'm reading "Buddhism For Beginners" by Thubten Chodron. I find the personal responsibility emphasis in Buddhism really appealling, and I'm interested in learning more. The book is providing a great introduction.

Any books that you'd recommend?

Bob, I'll have to wait until I get to the computer to see your pics. Can't see them on my phone - boo!

Well that's it for now. Take care my Julyers!

NCG
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Old 10-13-2014, 04:59 PM
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The Tao of pooh & the Te of piglet by benjammin hoff

just finishing the Te of piglet these 2 books are wonderful
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Old 10-13-2014, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
The Tao of pooh & the Te of piglet by benjammin hoff

just finishing the Te of piglet these 2 books are wonderful
Dee recommendations, too.

I'm on my lunch break NCG....so will list a couple later. I did find though, that women for sobriety principles gelled my sobriety after my relapse in Feb. I'd pick one of their statements of acceptance to work on each day or week. Don't have all my links at hand, but this is a good summary if you aren't familiar;

http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr...ityArticle.pdf

Bob...I can only say, being unemployed not long after my relapse was a huge challenge. It would have been super easy to use a death and unemployment to drink, for sure.

I clung onto journalling at that point, just to stay positive and see that some days were better than others. As I said before, I had to keep up momentum with the applications, or it's easy to wallow and be discouraged...and there's danger in that.
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Old 10-13-2014, 06:58 PM
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Ps pics are great....love, the second one.
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