NorCaliGal

Hi All -

I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to the recovery after my hand surgery which is taking much longer than I was led to believe. I've been out for five weeks and the doctor wrote me out for another six. Can't type with both hands without pain in my left hand, and the phone app is difficult to post long messages. And today I need to post I long one.

Well here it goes. I drank. Three times now since I've been off. The latest time being last night. First I had some wine with family. My boyfriend was not there - he was working - and I think I said in the past that no one in my family thinks I have a drinking problem so they were not concerned and actually happy that I was able to drink because my boyfriend wasn't there. But it didn't stop there - then I let my niece and her husband take me out to a bar. What was I thinking?? Social drinking is my nemesis - always has been. Stayed out too late, hung out with the twenty-somethings when here I am a woman who is almost 48 years old, drove home when I shouldn't have - my niece and her friend followed me to make sure I got home okay and they shouldn't have been driving either. Put myself and others at risk on the road, absolutely no excuse for that.

But it gets worse. This morning even though physically I felt okay to avoid a hangover that I felt sure was coming I took some Nyquil after my boyfriend left for work. In my heaving drinking days if I took some cough syrup after drinking I could avoid a hangover, so I thought I'd give it a try. So stupid. I actually can't take Nyquil normally. I react very badly to the medication in it and pass out. So that's exactly what happened. Room started spinning and I fainted twice in the bathroom. If anyone out there has fainted, you know it's a different feeling than passing out from drinking. I used to faint a lot as a kid (docs never figured out why) so I know the difference. But I smacked my arm and head (under my eyebrow) pretty hard the second time on the floor. I'm definitely going to have a bruise on my arm and under my eyebrow. I think my glasses frames will cover it pretty well but thank goodness I'm off work right now.

I'm okay now. But I could have killed myself with the Nyquil thing!!! How absolutely insane.

I feel like I've completely lost my mind. I'm so not proud of myself. I should be a better support for my boyfriend. Just weeks ago I was so upset that he drank. I should be a better me.

Needed to be honest with my Julyers. I'm on day one again because I'm a complete idiot.

Have my first physical therapy appointment today. I'm okay now, sober and no ill effects now from the Nyquil other than the bruises, but completely and absolutely shaken up by my own behavior. You all know how much I'm beating myself up right now, I'll spare you from having to read all the self loathing that's going through my mind. I feel like I let everyone down.

I love my Julyers.

NCG