SolitaryThinker

haha awesome!

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The nature preserve I walked in this morning! Perfect location for a BBQ-pick nick
It's secluded too

Upward2Enlightenment

Ok, we are meeting ST. <looks at watch> Where is that bus.</looks at watch>

Upward2Enlightenment

If I fall under the perfect people, this society is in bad shape.

Soliloquy

You guys talking about self forgiveness makes me kind of jealous. I beat myself up every single day but I believe that I deserve it. I know what is right and what I could do to make myself happy, and I don't do it. I'm the only one to blame for that and I am too angry to even consider forgiving myself. I'm not talking about huge mistakes or anything, just every day living, down to what I eat and my sleep habits. I feel like I suck at life. I hope to one day get to a place where I have few enough shortcomings to consider forgiveness. But in order to do that I would have to make changes, and some of the things I hold a grudge against myself for are actually part of who I am. Like my shyness. I was born that way but I hate myself for it. I guess maybe I need to focus more on self acceptance, rather than forgiveness. Wow sometimes typing out feelings really does help sort the out. I definitely do need to work on my confidence too.

Mrsbee your garden looks awesome and I love the little critter statue.

There were some other posts I wanted to comment on but I forgot.

I've been pretty pissed off and depressed the past couple of days. I watched a Memorial Day special last night and it made me really upset and mad at the way the world is. I saw a balloon being released into the sky with the words "We love you Daddy", written in a child's handwriting. It makes me cry right now just thinking about it. Let me tell you...I'm a sight right now. I'm walking on the treadmill, watching Girl Code, typing on my iPad, crying haaha well not anymore. I'm laughing at myself now. But seriously, Memorial Day is really pulling at my heart strings this year.

Good news: dad said mom was opening her eyes today. She is stable. Everyday she gets through is a good day.

I might cut off my fingernails and play my electric for the first time in a million years.

Soliloquy

Nevermind

Applekat

I like American cheese on my burger! I'm a little over-caffeinated so how about a cranberry and tonic.

Upward2Enlightenment

Soliloquy you DO NOT deserve to be beat up every day, not by anyone especially yourself. You hit the main point right on the head, self acceptance. No one is perfect, we weren't created to be. Love yourself for who you are at this very moment, faults and all. You are special, there is no one like you, you are precious. No matter what happens realize that you are not perfect and love yourself.
I am not saying don't worry about improving yourself, just don't feel that you have to be this perfect person.

Upward2Enlightenment

I don't know why but I pictured Larry Miller's Five Stages of Drinking: "Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending."

SolitaryThinker

haha I'm in

SolitaryThinker

i feel so so similar soli, I know how you feel, and I love guy/girl code it always cheers me up and makes me feel a bit less weird with myself

topspin

Thanks for that post Adna,

I was thinking about how I will put some value on the end result of my efforts , vrs the effort itself. Like with a project for example , if the project turns out really good , I'll think , " wonderful " , ...but if the result is not so great , I'll think , " that sucks"
But I maybe looking at it all wrong. I'm thinking the good faith effort on both counts is equally good, and the only difference may be my expectations ,. ...which is tied to my ego, ....sort of by definition.

I read years ago , that my expectations are inversely balanced with my serenity. Like one of those counterweight scales. The ones that see-saw. So if my expectations are high , my serenity goes low. But low expectations = more serenity.

Soli, .... you may be like me , ...have these super high expectations of myself. Maybe we should think about lowering those some , ....think about the effort , the good faith effort we're putting in staying sober and moving forward, ..........that may be more healthy to focus on.

I was reading something earlier , where a girl said she was looking at her progress today totally differently , than in the past . Today she was "looking at what she'd accomplished , versus her old way of focusing on what she hadn't accomplished. "

It helped me a lot , because I'm the same way , always focused on what I didn't get done , ...versus a completely new way of looking at it , ...what I did actually get done.

For me , it circles right back to the expectations thing . I tend to expect these super human efforts, ....for some reason. It drives my serenity in the dirt , too.

well , enough of this pondering ,

...... my brain's started to cramp already !??!

I'm thinking I'd like that hot dog that fell through the grill . I ain't scared a no charcoal touchin' my dog.

Upward2Enlightenment

Wasn't that our bus that went by? <running and yelling down the street> Dee come back!!!</running and yelling down the street>

Dee74

Sorry that the weekend was hard for some but it's a new week guys - enjoy it!


Bus drivers must be the same the world over Up

D

SolitaryThinker

I agree with that too actually, I always look at what I didn't accomplish, and downplay the things I do. Everyone is telling me "not drinking is a big deal" but it's really not honestly, it's what needed to be done for me. I think some of our perceptions of things are thrown off

SolitaryThinker

I have been trying to just ignore those thoughts about myself lately, I don't know if that is healthy either, I can't really not think that is next to impossable but I try to just think about anything else...

Spent some of my "beer money" on tricking out my iPhone


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rockstonic

thanks all. such a grump today. I totally get what everyone is saying about lacking self forgiveness, cause man I feel like I'm screwing up left and right. every little thing feels like a failure sometimes. but then sometimes it's okay. it feels very back and forth. today is an up and down kind of a day mostly cause there's so much to do. i'm beginning to wonder if taking summer classes was a bad idea and it's just too much. i guess i'll find out tomorrow.

i like the idea of the virtual bbq though!

SolitaryThinker

omg same! My girlfriend points it out too, the more and more I read here the feeling of failure isn't the truth and it's part of the learning experience kinda, but I totally don't feel that yet, a constant up and down as you describe, the one thing that is a bit of relief is knowing that I'm not the only one ya know? Almost if not everyone here is going thru that one way or another to some extent..,.i think...

SolitaryThinker

I'm going a little post crazy too, all my friends and family are drinking and I'm kinda in the mood, but not gonna...I'm hanging out by myself watching netflix with my iPad on here...

Soliloquy

UP I know nobody's perfect and maybe I do beat myself up a little more than necessary. But the thing is, I'm not mad that I'm not perfect. I don't feel that I am living up to even a quarter of my potential. It is really frustrating.

Topspin I wish it was that I was setting my expectations to high, but I'm really not. I don't accomplish half of what I want to and there's nothing holding me back but me.

Solitary I agree about not drinking not being a big deal. It's hard to be proud about stopping doing something you shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Maybe after a year goes by without drinking, or even if a year goes by and I only have a handful of slip ups, I might feel proud.

I walked 5 miles on the treadmill. Didn't run at all. Still in a funk. I might try to run a mile before bed and see if that helps. I'm so out of shape it's depressing. I really need to focus on working out more.

Upward2Enlightenment

Soli I am the poster child of not living up to my potential. Please trust me on this one, I don't want to go into detail on this. I do know that I can't do anything about my past, I can only try to learn from it and change.

I am su..... never mind I