Dee74

Our last part here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-10-a-20.html

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advbike

Venecia, I am so sorry to hear of Keyweird's passing. I had encountered her posts from time to time and didn't realize her situation because her posts were directed toward others, not herself. Your post was a wonderful way to remember her spirit and honor the dignity with which she spent the remaining months of her life. I hope I have the same strength when it is my time. Thanks for those touching and thoughtful words.

jdooner

There is truly something special happening today on SR. There is a controversial poster that has made some inflammatory statements in hopes of creating controversy. Its backfiring, as the entire SR community is coming together and it gives me chills how powerful this is. Quite amazing actually and to me shows the strength of this platform. Those with differing views coming together in support of our great moderator and the goal of helping people stay sober! I feel proud to be a part of SR tonight.

kadidee

Yesterday was a very bad day. I got very angry and emotional in a meeting. It's a long story that maybe I will share another time. I couldn't calm down and really wanted to drink. I was anxious and bent out of shape and knew that drinking would do the opposite of calming me down...it would push me over the edge.

Felt so sad and anxious and shaky today. I called the office where I've gone to a therapist and psychiatrist at different times to see if they could get me in, but first opening was in two weeks at a time I couldn't go. They said a nurse would call me back. I went to yoga and had monkey-mind, obsessive thoughts the entire time. I really, really wanted to drink again and came so close to saying f*** it. But I know that will only make it worse. I just feel all knotted up and horrible and need some time and space to pass from yesterday's incident. I feel so confused and bad and don't even know what I'm feeling.

jdooner

Kadidee - I get "knotted up" sometimes. Yoga is great. I bought a guided meditation album on iTunes and will often turn this on and meditate for 30 minutes. I begin by thinking about my breath and feeling it through my lungs and into my stomach and then begin the body scan while listening to the soothing music. I usually feel relief at the end of the session.

I also feel talking about what is bothering you or at least dairying it to yourself helps greatly, even if you do not intend to share. The process of getting the thoughts on paper I find helps get the poisonous thoughts out of you.

Stay here, we are here for you.

kadidee

Thanks, JD. I did talk about it today to someone and that helped. Writing about it will help too but I still feel too manic to focus. I feel anxious, like I need to 'do' something to fix it, but time needs to pass between the space of that meeting. There is something on Thursday that might bring some resolve and a new direction. I seriously thought about quitting my job yesterday, but that would be stupid and impulsive, and also a huge overreaction. The worst thing is that I just feel confused about how I even feel, or that I think I shouldn't feel X way. I wish someone could just zap me to a month from now.

Dee74

I dunno whats going on exactly Kadi but I know you'll always find support here

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advbike

Kadi - sorry to hear of the emotional upset. Did you read my post to you from a few days ago? The ego, or "implicit memory" remembers emotional hurts, but has no timeline. Something may have occured 20 years ago, yet we react as if it was yesterday. So if you find yourself getting really upset over something, try to understand what is going on - your false self, or ego, is probably telling you things based on some scenario that it has seen before, which are then felt by you emotionally as pain all over again. Which then feeds the ego even more. it can quickly lead to an emotional meltdown.

There is a great story in "A New Earth" where Tolle talks about two ducks having a spat, then flapping their wings at each other and moving on. Then he says imagine if the ducks were people, and the stories their minds would be telling them about what the other duck is probably thinking, what an a-hole they are, etc. The ego does this in order to keep the "hurt" alive as long as possible - and it's very destructive. I'm not trying to say you weren't totally justified, and didn't have valid reasons to be hurt or angry, just trying to point out how it can work when we are in our heads.

I am really proud of you for not drinking, and for taking positive steps like yoga (a run also helps in times like this). Try to separate yourself from your thoughts for a while, and/or quiet them in order to find some calm for awhile. Then observe your mind and see what kind of stories it is telling you about yourself and the others involved. It might surprise you.

Venecia

Kadi, I'm so sorry you're facing a difficult time. Please know that we're here for you. For me, aerobic exercise is the best way to get through times when my brain seems to be out of control.

Hang in there, friend.

kadidee

Thanks, advbike, yes, I did read that post, but it's really resonating now. The duck analogy makes a lot of sense. Although what happened yesterday was a reason to be upset, I went from 0-50 in about one minute. It's like I was seeing stars and could not hear or focus. And once I got upset, it just escalated. It was awful. I'm usually not like that, which makes it even more confusing. When I was talking to my friend today, I mentioned that I think some buttons were pushed that had little to do with what was being discussed, and more to do with feeling threatened at a very core level.

I need to be more disciplined about mindfulness, journaling, and yoga, even when I don't feel like it, so that I can keep my head at times like those. It really just came out of the blue.

The ego keeping the hurt alive...absolutely. That is what has been happening all today, and yes it is extremely destructive. I feel like this is a wake-up call to center myself more spiritually.

Thank you all for the encouraging words of support. Today was one of those days when I felt like an idiot and a failure at life, like I wanted to be someone else, anyone but me, accompanied by a litany of self-talk about what is wrong with me.

Tomorrow I am going to teach my classes, hold office hours, try to get some papers graded, go to a meeting, and focus on being positive and open and having good interactions throughout the day. I feel so strung out right now, like I'm about to crack. We have a talk at work tomorrow evening. Thursday is another meeting where I think things will smooth over somewhat. I'm going to focus on just letting go and letting things happen. I want a positive outcome. And I want to handle it with grace. I was the poster child for graceless-ness yesterday. Gawd.

kadidee

Thanks, Venecia. We cross-posted. I was so glad that I had made plans to go to yoga today. Some of the poses got the heart rate up and I could feel a release of stress. I have got to be more regular with exercise and not waiting until something happens to do it. I firmly believe that if I can be more disciplined with exercise and centering, then anything that comes will be easier to handle. I really need to get it together, girl. I don't know why I'm so resistant sometimes to things that are good and healthy for me.

Venecia

My gut tells me the answer is simple: For so long, things that were bad and unhealthy for us were deeply engrained inside us. They didn't evolve overnight, though.

When I was drinking, I made occasional -- even semi-regular -- efforts to integrate exercise into my life. But it never stuck. Hangovers and wine have a way of doing that, huh?

For me, slimming down is an effort that is taking a lot of work but it shall be very worthwhile in the long run. (BTW, the efforts are paying off! ) But I have had to rethink my entire outlook on how I live and part of that is making a lifelong commitment to exercise and sensible eating. I look at it a lot the way I look at sobriety -- it is now what must be engrained in my life the way bad, unhealthy things once were. It is about more than simply not drinking. It is part of the big recovery picture.

I hope that helps. I know I am feeling better.

kadidee

Venecia, maybe YOU are the recovery fairy in disguise

Thank you all, sincerely.

jdooner

Hey George how are you making out...have not seen you post in a week curious how the return to sobriety is going for you? Posting helps keep us honest. I didn't see you in the March 2014 Forum, so hoping you come back here - ya know so you can tease me some more and all...lol!

Anyhow, just want to make sure your doing alright getting back on the sober horse and all. Early days are the toughest.

jdooner

I am jet lagged here in Germany. Heading back to US tomorrow. In my insomnia, I decided to go back to my first posts here on SR. Wow! I read through my first month and was instantly transported to a time and place that I never want to return to but am thankful to be reminded of. I remember those first words, detoxing in my house and Dee continuing to ask me if I have seen a Dr. Scary times and my mindset comes through in the manic tenor of my writing. Ugh! I am grateful not to be there anymore.

Kadidee I was thinking of you when I went back and read my first posts. I found it helpful to simply remind me of the journey and how far we have come. Not sure if this might help?

kadidee

Yeah, JD, good idea. I just went back and read my first post, and then the one where I drank on day 15. The one from drinking on day 15 is telling...an awful feeling came upon me at a meeting at work (imagine that), and I decided in that moment, in that meeting that I was going to drink. It was a switch that flipped and I did not consider any other option but driving straight to the store for two bottles of wine. I remember that awful night.

Yesterday what happened at work was way worse than what 'made' me drink (I say 'made' tongue in cheek) that day in August, so maybe it's time to look at the big picture, stop obsessing about THE INCIDENT from yesterday, and be grateful that I'm still sober.

foolsgold66

When it rains it pours. The weather is finally turning here, was daydreaming about oil cans of beer earlier today. Went to the kitchen a while ago, thought wife had gone to bed, found her drinking wine and talking to the kid. Yay, needed that help hun. I'm going to bed, I have an 8am release planning meeting tomorrow.

kadidee

Aw FG, I'm sorry to hear that. I thought your wife had quit drinking in the house. Bed sounds like a good idea.

Elseware

Kadidee, you went through a rough time and you're still sober! Let's not lose sight of that! I think this is a wonderful victory. A giant step. I know it was hard and you did the hard work that it took to keep you on the right road. I am proud of you. I hope the situation that brought this all up for you is solved soon and then you can bask in the warmth of being on the other side of a difficult situation still sober. You'll be just that much more skillful at handling difficulties next time.

Venecia

Kadi, Elseware made an excellent point. You could have drank. But you didn't. I'd say that shows continually growing strength on your part. Remember the days when almost anything was an excuse? Now, you got through a very trying time with resolve to continue on your path.

FG, I'm sorry that happened, too. I hope today is better for you.

George, I'm with JD. Please check in. We're here for you.