I'm struggling as usual, but I see the signs of my part ... so I'll have to deal with that.
I'm angry at my family for not behaving as I think they should! When someone isn't in my family I tend to give it a break (even though I'm still terribly judgmental (wish I weren't)).
I get mad cause they went through the same stuff I did...they were there... but we all ended up so different. I feel bad saying I think I ended up better (there isn't anyone in my family that isn't addicted or alchoholic...despite it being not talked about or acknowledged). Things have shifted over the years, but not that much. Basically despite being the "bad sheep" most of the time, I've really been the responsible person. Sorry but I'm angry.
That said... I HAVE to let go of that anger!!! It doesn't change anything!!! I need to focus on living my life according to how I believe I need to live it and forgive others and myself when things go poorly.
I understand that the "threat" I FELT (not necessarily rational) with all that is going on has triggered more emotional responses than are probably accurate. I take a step back... try to not react to past stuff, and I continue to work toward my personal experiences that anger must be accepted as being there, but that actions need to be toward kind regard toward others and self...
I'll get through this and sorry if it sounds scattered. It's just hard to express what is going on in concrete terms as I am a bit trapped in my emotions. I saw the Psych. yesterday and once again she told me to stop a medication and didn't put it in her notes....(I now write down what she tells me so I can be sure I take things as directed). I talked to my regular doctor and we agree that there simply are not any other psycs to use in our town so we will work with what is... I am "restarting" a medication, and I think I did better in dealing in a helpful way with my anger when I was on that one. Due to my scratching and anger issues, we are re instituting an anti anxiety medication that "pre-flood" It seemed I no longer needed.
Anyways... I'll post again! I needed to rant and the hardest thing right now is that I need to really stay out of self pity, but still stay compassionate toward myself. That is something that I think is a very hard thing to figure out. I'll work on it.
God... I can't wait to retire and simplify all this
Love you all and despite my rant I'm still sober and not suicidal or anything...just working through things.