box3

Midton: I'm really glad to hear this.

traderjane

Midton, sorry about the rough night but it's good that you got the answers you were looking for. We are all on our own personal journeys here and I have a lot of confidence that we will all get where we need to be.

The kids and I just put up our Christmas tree. It looks amazing! I love having a full month to look at it and remember all the ornaments from different times in my life. So nostalgic. This year we added a new ornament from our trip to Disneyworld. Happy stuff!

This month is going to be busy with Christmas and all that goes along with it, my daughter's birthday (always kind of a big deal) and work! Yikes. I better get going on my cards.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Laura

bananagrrrl

Glad you made it back, Midton. Sorry you are feeling like crud now though. I flirted with alcohol the last time I got sober and I realized that I and my body cannot handle it. It is absolute poison to me. I can't even physically drink it like a normal person, I chug it.

anono

hi all... not posted much lately, all is good with me, but i have been going to extra meetings... and as it is end of school year i cant get near a computer.. girls have assignments etc..

thinking of you all still each day and will come back properly once school is done

kate
ps glad you got it out of your system midton, i recognise the feeling you had, the only thing that stopped me doing that same thing awhile back was my kids, they begged me not to

KC1

KC here.

Hope everyone had a good long weekend. Hubby and I went out last night to a local New Orleans restaurant that recently opened up. I had "Voo Doo Crawfish Tails" and trust me..they were definitely Voo Doo. My mouth burned so bad after one bite I could hardly stand it. The waitress said they were "kinda hot". Huh???? Kinda???? I think I was breathing fire.

Anyway, no excuse, but hubby kept saying "you can have a wine...I'm driving." Over and over and over. So I did. ONE. I didn't even like the taste. Bleechhh. So there. It just didn't taste good. Still reminds me of that horrible night a few weeks ago.

Our vacation count down starts tomorrow. 30 days from tomorrow!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!

Made homemade meatballs and sauce for dinner. The first time I have cooked in probably two years. Not sure what that is all about, but I had the "urge" to do so this afternoon after I played golf. Did good there, too, on and off the course. Played one of my best games ever and then totally skipped the 19th hole. Hmmmm....maybe cooking is something else to "fill the glass" or to "soothe" me????

Have a good evening everyone and I will check in later on. Meatballs are calling.

KC

BreakFree

Hey Everyone! :)

Wish I had something exciting to share! LOL It was a long and exhausting weekend. Can't wait to hit the couch. I'm glad tomorrow is Monday. I used to dread Mondays, but now I love them. I can't wait to see what this new week brings! :)

(((Midton))) I'm so sorry you are having to feel this way. I know it well. You know you are in good company. Each day will get better and better and you will be right back to that wonderful place you've been experiencing for the past 112 days. Just remember, one evening cannot take that away. In the past 114 days you have had many more days sober than drunk. You are strong and those numbers mean something...they count. Draw your strength from that and get right back up and pick up from where you left off. No turning back. (((Midton)))

Okay, my couch is calling! :O

Sweet Dreams!
Love,

Midton

Just a quick post to say thanks for all the supportive replies. I'm still feeling real low, remorseful, ashamed and, well, you all know the script. I am angry that I didn't crave alcohol, I didn't drink on the spur of the moment. I actually planned this. What an idiot!

I can't write too much about Saturday just now as it's still too raw and I fear spirling down to a bad depression if I think about it. I need a week or so before I reflect on it from a more mentally safe perspective.

Rest assured that's it for me. I know with total clarity that I'm done. I was doing so well, finding it easy. The desire to drink had gone. It shouldn't be too hard to get back into that state again.

Over the last few weeks the frequency of my posts dwindled. I didn't want to keep posting "spam" saying I'm doing great. I didn't want it to come across as gloating. I'll have to become a more active poster again, even if my posts are banal. I need the constant reminder that I am always in danger no matter how confident I feel.

All the best.

BreakFree

Good Morning :)

Midton...I can totally relate to this...
I find myself in a dangerous place with regards to alcohol. Somehow I have successfully stopped drinking on a daily - even weekly - basis. The only thing I can think of is that I just pressed forward, not drinking each day, until it became a habit. I am SUCH a habitual person. I tend to thrive on routine and structure. Well, anyway...I feel really good about this achievement, except that I have not been able to COMPLETELY eliminate the alcohol from my life. By giving up the daily drinking, I have not been able to return to that place I was in prior to it becoming a daily habit. I use to be able to go out to dinner and have one - MAYBE two - but I never wanted/desired more. In fact, once the meal came, I didn't want to have any alcohol. The two just didn't mix. In a social situation (weddings/parties) I have always been a problem drinker of sorts. It would not result in any type of weekend bender/binge thing...it always ended that evening, without the desire to drink the next day, but I would drink WAAAAAY too much, be paranoid and depressed for days afterward. Now I definitely feel like I cannot drink at all. I definitely CANNOT drink at home. One turns into 6-8. Going out to dinner is two tall beers, which is really four regular beers, I believe. Even just a few in a social setting leaves me feeling paranoid and depressed the next day. It's like extreme symptoms. All of which I'm thinking, "DUH!!!! DUH!!!! DUH!!!!" I don't know...I guess I just need to talk all of this out. I can't sit here and say to you all that "I have been drinking" because I really don't feel like I have. Not in what would be considered a problematic sense. That is for "non-alcoholics". And I guess that's the difference. At some point, I really stepped over the line and it looks like there is no going back. It's like I've really screwed up my brain chemistry. It's always been screwed up in the social "party" drinking sense, but now it's screwed up in a social "casual" sense as well. There's just no such thing.

So I sit here and feel frustrated because I know that, for me, success in giving up the alcohol (on a daily basis) came with practice. Now I can't afford to go out to dinner each night to practice not ordering drinks. I can't start partying my head off to practice not drinking during social occassions. Ugh. I guess there really is no answer to this. I just have to do it. I can't stand feeling this way. I get to a really, really good place. I work my butt off and then when I least expect it, I have a few drinks and it totally screws up my head and my body. The alcohol is just SOOOO toxic to me now...it really messes me up :(

With regards to my alcohol problem, I think I had just gotten to this point where giving up the daily (again, even weekly) drinking has masked my alcoholism so well, that it was just easy for me to not be active and intentional about NEVER drinking alcohol. It wasn't like I was purposefully seeking moderation, my life just sort of headed that way, once it felt like I had my problem under control.

So here I stand, someone who probably "could" go back to a life of moderation, but I guess what I am saying is that even under moderate drinking conditions, my mind/body/spirit CANNOT handle it. So, here's to another Day 1...

Thanks for letting me ramble...

Have a great day everyone!
Love,

bdiddy5522

Happy Monday everyone! TB- Check in. I haven't seen a post from you on here for a few days. I hope you are OK.

BF- Sorry about your slip. I hope you have learned something from this. I know you will be OK. Just say NO to that first drink, and you will succeed. If there never is another first, you will never have to have another! Day 1 again, and I pray it is your last!

KC1- Keep trucking girl. I hope you make it. It sounds like your husband may be a poison to your sobriety? It sounds like he almost pressures you to drink? I hope he comes around an doesn't put you in that situation any more.

As for me, I am day 21. I made it through the long holiday weekend without a drop. Not that it was easy, or not available. I was around alcohol every day. I just politely declined, and said I feel better when I don't drink. Everyone respects that. I did some pheasant hunting on Saturday with my in-laws. I walked every field in chest high grass. Something while drinking I would never have been able to do. I was always just too physically exhausted. I probably walked 5 miles in that crap. Obviously I am sore and my legs and feet hurt, but I am proud of myself for doing it! A true blessing from God as I was able.

Physically, my sleep has gotten SO much better. I fall asleep almost instantly when I go to bed now. My mind is at peace, and I wake up feeling refreshed! I do get pretty tired by the evening, but I suspect that will get better as my body heals. My wife is now reading the AA "Big Book." She is being so kind and understanding. She is such a blessing in my recovery. She wants to understand this disease and where I am coming from. I thank God every day for her.

I went to another meeting last Wednesday. One I had not been to before. Some of the guys were the same, and some new. Funny part was one of the guys there was a Doctor I had initially gone to when I first moved back to town. I had forgotten he had lost his job a few years back due to drinking. He shook my hand, welcomed me, and everything was fine. You never know who you will see at a meeting, but it doesnt matter. We are all there for the same reason. To get and STAY sober. Nobody judges, they just support.

So that is where I am at everyone. I hope all is well with you, and keep coming back! Here is to another day.... sober!

Brent

PS: Midton- Welcome back. It sounds like you experienced what we all feared you would. I am SO glad you learned something and you are back with us. I read in my AA book that NO ONE has successfully been able to drink or moderate once our minds are alcoholic. Do we really think we will be the first? haha. Welcome back buddy!

bdiddy5522

Richard54- Check in buddy. I hope you are well. My offer is still good if you would like me to send you that book!

ANEWAUGUST

Hi Gang....

BF-You know, it isn't the amount or frequency with which we drink that defines wether or not we have a problem with alcohol. It is how it makes us feel, how our bodies
metabolize the alcohol,and the fact, that truly, non-alcoholics don't give this a second
thought at all.

We all have our own path, our on road to travel on this journey. Wether anyone can moderate or not is not for me to say. I go back and read my old posts and journals
to reaffirm why I cannot drink, because I am an alcoholic.

I applaud your honesty, I applaud all of us being honest. For me this thread is another part of my daily reminder to be in touch with my spiritual side, a meditation of sorts on why I cannot drink. There are things I must do daily in my life for balance and serenity.
I even take some supplements that are necessary at this stage of my life...calcium for
instance prevents osteoporosis which runs in my family. Just as I take something daily to strengthen my bones, I have to do certain things daily to strengthen my sobriety.

Sometimes what we post is nothing special..yada, yada, yada...

It does my heart good when I log on here and see everyone posting...sober, or not,
recovering or struggling...even if we are just shooting the breeze.....

Peace.

BreakFree

Thanks for the support, Brent :)

I honestly cannot say that it was a slip. I have never stopped drinking socially, except for back in August when I was trying to break my daily drinking habit...which I did. In September, I was working toward giving up alcohol COMPLETELY, but I failed. I never returned to daily/weekly drinking. I've been rid of that since August...coming up on four months of that :) It's the occassional drinking that I have not been able (or really tried) to give up. I was trying to explain that it hasn't been my intention to moderate, but that's what I've been doing, I guess? It's hard because even though we are all dealing with some sort of alcohol addiction/habit/alcoholism, we really aren't comparing apples to apples. Or maybe we are...just different varieties?? LOL I don't know...I go two to three weeks before I am faced with a situation where I might drink. I very, very rarely ever think about wanting a drink. If I do, it's very easy for me to just pass the thought. But like this past Thursday, I had poured myself a San Pellegrino with lime and then my brother offered me a beer. Just like that, I said, "Sure." There was NO thought. I had two beers and didn't want another. But the way they made me feel was concerning. And then the next day I was paranoid and depressed just as if I had gotten wasted. It's like the smallest amount effects me. I don't know...it really is a "no-brainer" and I don't know why I'm even trying to understand it. The answer is to not drink at all. I guess I'm just having a hard time facing the truth...that I won't be returning to my "old self" even though not drinking comes so easily to me. It just makes no sense. See? There I go again. It is what it is. I need to accept this. Perhaps I need to spend more time coming to terms with this. It's just so hard when it's not something that effects me on a day-to-day basis. It's just very easy for me to forget that I have a problem. When I speak about drinking socially, I am not talking about something that happens on a weekly basis. If it were happening like that, it would be more obvious to me that I need to be preparing myself to "not drink". Okay, for instance, I cannot tell you the next time I will be in a situation where there will be alcohol present. We will be spending Christmas with my husband's family and they do not drink. There isn't even any alcohol there. We could bring some, but we never do. I don't know...I'm just FRUSTRATED. I did not intend to drink on Thanksgiving. But I did and then I had drinks on Friday and Sunday. I have no desire to continue drinking and I can honestly say that I won't and not because I am trying. It's just how I feel. I don't need or want it. So I feel like I'm sort placed into this strange situation where I *should* be able to have drinks on occassion, but I can't because of the way it makes me feel. I suppose I need to do more preparing in advance. For instance, if there is something coming up where I know I might drink, I should tell you all about it and state my intentions to not drink. Ack...I'm blabbing when what I really need to do is stop thinking and dwelling and GET BUSY!

BreakFree

Thank you, ANEW :) You are so right. This is so helpful to me. Thank you. Thank you. :) :) :)

bdiddy5522

I guess my main question would be: do you really truly want to stop completely? I find it hard to believe you don't think about drinking as you sit there having a couple beers. And maybe you don't, but I know for me that if I were to have a beer, I would beat myself up to no end while I was sitting there holding it. But that is me.

Only you know Melissa what is the answer. If you can moderate, good for you. I wish i could but I know I can't. I am past the point of no return. Maybe you are not. I don't know.

Hang in there, and you know we are all here for you! Hugs.

BreakFree

Thanks for listening to me ramble this morning, friends. I woke up today just SO FRUSTRATED because I have been working extremely hard at getting my life together. I have literally worked my butt off from the time I woke up to the time I collapsed into bed. Eating healthy, exercising, getting organized. And then in onr instance, I felt like all that hard work had been compromised. I just couldn't understand...WHY. ANEW, you are so, so right. Regardless of my progress, my history with alcohol, where I've been or what not, it is like POISON to me. POISON. In any amount and at any time. Period. You are right...that is the difference between alcoholics and non-alcoholics. Today I am depressed and sad and there is a very good reason for these feelings. I am full of toxins. DUH. As the days progress, I will feel better, get right back to where I was. I can't let this happen again. I just can't, unless I want to keep feeling the way I do today. And I don't. I don't want to keep starting over I am feeling so, so sad today

ANEWAUGUST

Oh Melissa....don't let those sad feelings consume you...

That is another validation of why I can't drink. I am feel like pure crap after, then, I am consumed by negative, self-destructive emotions which keep my trapped on the hamster wheel of alcohol.

Acceptance is the key to my serenity today. It is so much easier for me to accept my reality of not drinking. I liken myself to have an allergy to alcohol..I truly do. There is nothing to be gained in my life from it, whatsoever.

The freedom of my acceptance has allowed me to enjoy life more then ever. I can do all those things that I thought before I had to have a buzz to enjoy.

Yesterday, I was home alone, in a good mood, buzzing thru the house, and for a brief moment I thought a drink would make me feel even better. Just as quickly, I thought,
h*ll no...it wouldn't be just one, and that is just a lie...said a quick prayer to remove that thought...and it was gone.

Thats where my AA meetings have helped. Others get what I said above. Normal folks don't, at all.

Melissa...look at all the wonderful positive changes you have made and what you have accomplised. Relish in those feats..those accomplishments., and please know what a gift you are to this gal here on this board!

BreakFree

I think the answer to this question has evolved several times during my journey. In the beginning, I just wanted to STOP the desire to drink on a daily basis. I didn't want to feel like I needed to drink to relax. So in that case, yes...I wanted to stop. And the idea of drinking again was scary to me because I was afraid the desire to drink daily would return. But that desire has not returned (not that I don't think it would eventually, it just hasn't). SO I feel like this is what makes my situation dangerous. Because I don't think about it. And when the opportunity presents itself, I feel like it's safe to have a drink. But then I get bitten. The way it effects me reminds me of why I cannot. Again, the desire does not return. I don't know...it's hard to explain.

I can understand why this would be hard for you to understand. I don't understand it myself :( And it's more difficult to explain. Obviously I know I'm having a beer, but there is no dialogue going on inside me about whether or not I should be or if I'm going to feel badly or guilty later. It's just a natural, normal thing...

No, that comes later. Like today, when I'm feeling depressed.

I am not suggesting that I can moderate at all. It's the opposite actually. I believe I have been moderating without acknowledging that I have been doing so. And if it didn't make me feel so darned depressed and paranoid, I probably could moderate, but that is not the case.

I am glad that I have talked this out with you guys. I need to be more aware of alcohol pitfalls outside of my own four walls...simply avoiding them isn't going to make me any less of an alcoholic.

BreakFree

You guys have been so, so helpful to me. Thank you so much. I wasn't even intending on posting anything today. But when I read about how Midton was feeling, I could just relate SO MUCH to his words and then I realized...I have still got quite a problem to deal with. Even if it is infrequently, it is still effecting my life on occassion...enough to warrant my attention.

I know I don't need alcohol in my life. And honestly, I really, truly do not even care about it. In the beginning, I went through sort of a mourning period when I was thinking in terms of giving it up forever. But once I broke the habitual/addictive nature of my drinking, I lost those feelings. I am so completely focused on getting healthy. That is what I TRULY want. And alcoholic or not, alcohol is not part of a healthy person's lifestyle, red wine or not! NOT is better. It's time for me to be more proactive about giving up alcohol 100%. I'm a person who does believe in moderation of (mostly) all things, but alcohol really can't be one of those things for me. Like ANEW, I do believe I am allergic to it...highly allergic!

Thanks again, my friends! I'm going to be okay...we all are. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and be free from the toxins...it always feels SO MUCH better and BRIGHTER! :)

Love, hugs and all that GOOD stuff!

traderjane

Breakfree, I love your posts. If it's any consolation, I'm full of toxins today too. I am working out my own relationship with alcohol. It's complicated, isn't it. If it were simple we would all just quit and be done with it. I can moderate a lot of the time. But it still affects my sleep and my mood. I know what you mean. I am taking the one day at a time approach right now. I can't think beyond today -- there is too much going on in my life for that. I have an alumni club event tonight where there will be alcohol (of course -- IT'S EVERYWHERE!!!) I'm going to visualize myself drinking a diet coke at this event and I'm going to start doing this now even though it's 5 hours away. I'm not planning to give up alcohol permanently, just for today. I know that sounds lame and it really is, but that is all I can commit to. I'm being honest. You guys all mean a lot to me and I feel very close to you even though it's the internet. Have a great day....

Laura

BreakFree

Thank you, Laura :) :) :) I was afraid I might be driving everyone nuts with my incessant rambling today! :O

Ugh. I'm sorry you, too, are feeling toxic today :(

I can't seem to get out of my own way today and start picking up the slack. One foot in front of the other...I should know this by now. Just wish the black clouds would go away...literally...the sky is dark and it's cold and rainy here! :(

Can I get a pick-up here? I'd like to head to somewhere sunshiny and warm ASAP! Is the purple bus up and running? ANEW?