thirtybubba

Morning y'all.

((Anono))


Yesterday I talked to the teacher that runs the AA group... the one that the lady from Housing "hooked me up" with--even though I already knew him. I talked for a little while, and he got entirely the wrong impression. As bad as I am at expressing myself online, I think I'm worse in person. I don't think I'll be talking to anybody again for a while, past small talk... how I long for somebody to talk small talk to... Or anything.

I had gotten to a point here on SR where I thought it might be nice to have a friend I can confide in. I no longer do. I am back to where I was, thinking it would be nice to have several people to talk about unimportant things and watch tv or go to Starbucks or something.

It's worse when you try and talk to someone, and they get it wrong, than if you don't say anything and feel lonely... at least it seems that way.


Also, that housing lady had told him "all" about what happened--although for her claimed experience and education and all that, she got most of the facts wrong too--and that really bothers me. I hadn't told her much this time--luckily I learned my lesson with her in July when she promised to help and didn't--but the idea of her freely spreading such information to persons unknown disturbs me. The AA guy claimed it was only because he's discreet--which I allow is true--but it still disturbs me a lot. I don't want to go in and meet somebody in administration or a department and upon hearing my name, know something about me. I guess it's too late...

Reaching out has not done me well. I don't know why.

Take care everybody,
TB

bdiddy5522

You take care as well TB. So why didn't it go well? And why can't you find someone to talk to? I know for a fact that alcoholism is a very lonely disease. It is important for you to find someone to talk to, face to face. I was fortunate that I always had people to talk to. But I didn't have anyone to talk to about my disease until I finally came clean and asked for help. I hope you find someone soon.

Hello everyone else. Another good day here. My career has really taken off since getting sober. I am so much more effective at my job and am earning more money that before! The changes are truly remarkable! I can't believe how much has changed in just a couple short weeks.

I hope all of you are well, and sober.

OH, and ANONO- STAY AWAY FROM THAT DAMN BOTTLE! You know dang well it won't make ANYTHING better! You have been down this road before and know where it takes you! Please, don't do it!

Richard54

Kinda blew it on the weekend.

My wife still drinks and she had a fridge full of beer.

I drank them all on her on Saturday. Every single one...musta been about 20.

She was kinda ticked off about it on Sunday...so I replaced them all....

Then I drank all of them too.

Didn't enjoy it at all...

It's not fun anymore and a complete waste of time...Don't know why I have to keep falling like that to keep reminding myself of this..Anyway...back on track here again..day 2...

I'm stopping (again) before it turns into a few 'lost' weeks.

Looking at things...

This IS the first year I've really seriously tried to kick the booze..although I continue to 'slip' I figure this year I have about 8 months sober time and 10 weeks of being drunk as a skunk.

So....things are progressing in a somewhat positive way here.

Now,,,off to grind up some more coffee...

Dee74

Don't make me come up there, Kate

D

bdiddy5522

Kate- I agree with Dee. I was thinking the same thing! I will come and tape your dang mouth shut! haha.

Richard54- I understand your situation and appreciate your honesty. Good job on working on your sobriety. But it appears you have a long ways to go. What can you do differently this time so you don't slip again? Obviously, you can't quit on your own and obviously you don't enjoy it. So why do you do it? I hope you find the answer soon. I know you have expressed concerns about your health as a result of your drinking and I would hate to see something terrible happen to you. Stay with us buddy!

box3

Kate, I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult time lately. Now is the time to put all of that growth, strength and knowledge that you've gained in your hard-earned three months of sobriety to good use. There are adaptive and healthy ways to cope that don't rely on numbing away your feelings. Be kind and loving to yourself, take respite when you need it. You will come through this stronger and wiser.



Richard, may I suggest you discuss a no booze in the house rule with your wife? Set boundaries. You're vulnerable right now, the temptation is too strong. I sense the hope and determination in your post, which is awesome. Learn from this relapse and make the changes that you need to maintain your sobriety

anono

lol, ok ok, bottle down!


seriously thanks, it is my other daughter the one with depression, locked in her room for the last 3 days, missed all her school exams and final assessments,

i missed meetings whilst my other daughter in hospital, (who has made full recovery!) and boy did the 'stinkin thinkin', as they call it come back in force. It highlighted to me how much i need the meetings to be able to stay off the grog.
i went to one reluctantly last night and it was on trust and faith, half way through meeting i was called to share, couldnt but i did a reading, it is amazing how i felt after! i could feel the stinkin thinkin go, along with the desire to drink

feeeling much better today

thanks everyone

kate

KC1

Hi - KC here. Hope all are doing well. I am not good at keeping track of others' progress on an individual level, so I do apologize. So to everyone who is struggling, succeeding, whatever, I am thinking of you all!!!! And wishing you the best.

I just realized that my dear grandfather (Pop) will be dead one year ago a few minutes after midnight tonight. I was with him when he died. He was such a great, honorable, man and so very proud of me and my accomplishments. He was a tremendous influence in my life and he would be saddened to know I am struggling with this alcohol thing. I was his first grandchild when he was just a young man - my mom was 16 when she had me.

Pop was also most proud of me taking up the great game of golf this late stage in the game. That was his greatest joy outside of his family. That is why I strive to be the best competitive golfer in my league. I don't think Pop ever fully understood the magntitude of the professional position I hold within my company, but he sure as he*l understood where I stood in my golf league.

Thanks, Pop. I am thinking of you and missing you very much. SR friends, if you are all drinking your glass of Pellegrino, water, club soda, NA, cider, whatever, please join me in raising a glass to my Pop. May he rest in peace. I miss him very much.

Love,
KC

ANEWAUGUST

Good Evening Gang....

KC-Sounds like your therapist shed some light on your relationships, and what you need to strive for in the future. She gave you a great direction to move in. Wishing you the best as you look for new friendships, and nurture the ones you have.

TB-(((hugs))).

Anono-glad you were able to get to a meeting, and you got exactly what you needed before these SR folks bought their travel tickets to see you.

Richard...get back on the wagon with us..you are making progress, and you can do this.
My poor dog with epilepsy has had several seizures the past two nights. Makes for long nights for us...but, I know his are longer. I don't know physically how much longer he can keep this up.

Going to try to get to sleep early....night all.

Dee74

I must have missed your post yesterday Richard - we posted much the same time.
I hope you're doing better today.

D

thirtybubba

Good job, Anono

Richard, that's kinda like me, only with different dates... I'm *improving* but... grr. Keep at it, and maybe, at least for a while, your wife might keep the beer away to help you some...?

I have improved though... Noticed lately, that even when I drink, it's just regular bourbon and I haven't touched the harder stuff since July... And I keep stopping as soon as I notice... Just don't notice quick enough. Right before I put the bottle to my lips would be nice... Progress, not perfection? Haha, sorry y'all...

Anyways, I'm happy as can be... That week when everybody was yelling at me for driving around with my cousin, I was supposed to do a presentation. Obviously, I didn't--in fact, I'm kinda glad I wasn't near... I might have done it. But anyways, I had the make up presentation tonight, and I did quite well, if the other people in the class are to be believed. They clapped twice for me, after one of the guys in the class basically toasted me. It was supposed to be a group presentation... I apologized to my group from the podium. Didn't tell them why, but apologized nonetheless.

:bounce

Well, it's basically long weekend for me from here on in... lots of work to catch up on (8 classes... ugh). Gotta remember not to drink anymore... this isn't really fun.

Getting back into reality, just avoiding the club scene (I took a formal leave of absence for 2 weeks... I made that up and announced that it was what I was going to do... told them if they didn't like it, to let me know and no one has). It's working good so far... baby steps.

Ran out of money yesterday--bought a pizza and a caesar salad meal with my last $7--got some more today... my teacher lent me 20 dollars. Well, actually she gave it to me, but... Heck, I'm not thinking I can pay anybody back, but I suppose one day it'll look different.

Talked to my dept. head... the evil housing lady didn't tell him, at least. That's a relief... he doesn't know, and I suppose I wouldn't mind if he did, but I would not want it to be told to him that way.

Well, still happy. Take care y'all,
TB

Richard54

I'm doing really well,,..Day 3 again...My little 2 day weekend drunk gave me little more than a hung over Monday...

Bdiddy.. you're doing so well and whatever it is..the meetings.. a change of basic thinking...whatever, you keep it up dude,... it's working for you and it's evident.

Thing for me is..when they say you 'can't do it alone'..oh yes
for sure that is true...

BUT...

It does have to come from the heart of your soul, from the inside.

It's a choice that you have to make, to be a non-drinker, and it's a choice you make alone.

It is a 'solo' decision and it does take 'willpower' or whatever.

In the end, you really do have to do it alone.

I went 6 months this year,
No meetings,
No sponsor..
Nothing...

Except...I guess I had a self mental-transformation ...to turn myself into a 'non-drinker'....and that seemed to work..for me...for a while.

No support system at all besides this SR website.

In reality, I had probably been doing the steps all by myself.


Just simply became a non drinker..
(No thanks, I don't drink!)
Easy enough to say, but when you believe it.....it works!

Seemed to work for a while for me, so why can't it stick?

I dunno...guess the alcoholic voice doesn't die easily....

Always watch out for that little voice. It's sneaky.

Dee74

I don't think it takes willpower at all Richard.

I don't jump off skyscrapers without a parachute - cos that will kill me.

It takes no willpower for me not to do that.
I accept the premise.

I'm glad, after 15 years, I finally accepted the same about my drinking.

Acceptance is key, not willpower, in my opinion.

I wish you well, mate
D

Richard54

KC

Your post brought a tear to my eye.

Lots of here are remembering our 'Pops'.

Let's give them something to be proud of.

Peace.

Richard54

Dee... too bad we couldn't be talking in a meeting or something...cuz you're insight/experience is amazing and I so respect it...

By talking about 'willpower'.. i guess I'm meaning the power of our mind over the power of our will.

I know jumping off that building is a no no...might get hurt.
So I 'decide' not to jump...Even if there was a pot of money down below...there really is no decision to make.

To quit drinking, also takes a decision.
You decide NOT to.
You chose, by your own 'willpower'
to find a solution.
You chose, by your own 'willpower'
to search out SR...to join SR...

You CHOSE not to drink.

Its not so much 'willpower' that I'm thinking about....
it's the 'power' we all have over our own will,,,if you know what I mean...:-)

If you didn't want to quit drinking..you simply wouldn't. You wouldn't have the 'will' or the 'power' to do it.

But, I'm glad you did...:-)

Dee74

Well, you're not likely to find me in a meeting Richard
Nothing against any recovery programme - I just didn't go that way

I agree - you have to be totally committed for it to work - and truthfully I wasn't totally committed until I was faced with two very clear alternatives - keep doing this and inevitably die pretty soon...or try something different.

It wasn't really a choice for me...I made a lot of fatalistic statements over the years but when it came down to it I didn't want to die....but I know some do choose not to do anything....and some don't even get the chance to make a choice.

take it easy, Richard
D

Richard54

No recover progammes...no meetings..?

"keep doing this and inevitably die pretty soon...or try something different."

Dee ..what on earth has worked for you?
What have you done differently?
What has worked for you?

Was it simply a 'choice'?
Of living and dying?

Black and White?...One path leads this way..I'm going that way instead..?

Was it just your commitment...?

Is it your Higher Power...a semi-spiritual awakening of self

What the heck are you doing to make it? I'm sorry to pry your brain for your secrets...please share...

I know the help you give to others still struggling gives you strength.

I'm sorry man, but I am totally intrigued.

What on earth has worked for you the most on your journey?

No program...no meetings...Man I'm lookin for answers too....
What worked?

bdiddy5522

Thanks Richard. Yeah, for some reason, I just choose not to drink. I am getting to the point that alcohol SCARES me! I look back at how I felt at the end, and feeling that way scares the crap out of me! I look at my progress and how much my life has changed and i NEVER want to have the life I used to have. I sit and hold my baby daughter now and just cry. I think I may have never been around to help her grow up, and that scares me!

I want to share something that made a profound impact for me Richard. I met with one of our pastors of our church a couple days after I quit drinking. Here is what he told me. When you are drinking, your "glass" is full. Meaning your mental glass. You decide not to drink anymore, so you throw out the contents of your glass. OK, so you got rid of your alcohol, but now your "glass" is empty. You now need to fill it with something positive. Hopefully it is God. But in addition to that, a hobby, a sport, SOMETHING! If you don't you just sit there with an empty glass, and the easiest thing to do is fill it with alcohol again. I think that is where you need the help and support to re-fill it with something constructive instead of something destructive.

For me, I have dove head first into my work, family, God, and hobbies. I thank God everyday for another sober day, and every morning pray for another sober day. One day at a time. Boredom causes us to drink, so don't give yourself time to get bored. I read recently that boredom is selfish. It comes from thinking too much about ourselves. Start thinking of others and boredom goes away.

So I hope this makes sense Richard. It does in my head, but I may not be conveying it properly. I would be more than happy to discuss things further if you wish. It appears as you are not too excited about going to AA meetings? That is what really turned it around for me. I tried EVERYTHING else and I felt this the only option left for ME. Not saying you are in the same boat. May I suggest that you at least get a copy of the "Big Book?" As I started reading that, I was absolutely amazed! It was a book about ME! I think we all will feel the same way once we start reading it. My jaw almost hit the floor! It explains WHY we start drinking again after we try to get sober on our own. I think it will really help you! Shoot, if you want, shoot me your address and I will send you one for free. Can't hurt right? I would be happy to do that!

Sorry this is long. I hope this hasn't bored the crap out of anyone. Just sharing some things that I have discovered in the past couple weeks.

Hugs to ALL of my August friends! Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

sphalerite

Richard,
Nothing worked for me either.
Will power only got me so far...Yes, in the past I could go a few days/weeks doing it all on my own, but I could never STAY stopped all on my own.

I realise that there are a lot of people here that are in recovery/have recovered without the help of AA, but for ME AA is what it took. I tried AA in a half assed way two years ago--just joining the online forum, reading the Big Book, and reading e-mail meetings. I was too terrified to walk in to a 'real' meeting.
I stayed (relatively) dry for about a month, then got right back to what was most familiar to me. Drinking.
I think Brent (or his pastor) makes a very good point about having to fill that 'empty glass' with something else. Us alkies have to learn a different way of thinking, of living if we want to stay stopped. For me AA has a step by step guide for a way of living that (so far) is working far better than anything I could do all by myself. Others recover without AA, but I think the one thing successful recoveries have in common is that a fundamental change has to take place in the way we think, act, and live our lives.
Just staying dry changed nothing in my life except the fact that I was not drinking. I was still miserable, because I wanted to drink. I hadn't 'filled that glass' with something else. Life without alcohol (even though it was killing me!) looked like a very bleak, depressing, and unappetizing place to be.

Meeting fellow alcoholics, ones who automatically understood these feelings was an amazing experience for me. Meeting fellow alcoholics who had been as bad as I was (and a lot of them worse) YET were (and I could plainly see this) happy and content in their lives without alcohol(!) blew me away.
For me, my program of recovery is teaching me how to be happy, or at least CONTENT in my life as a non-drinker. But I have learned that I have to WORK for it. I have to want it. I have to suck up my pride, ego, fear, resentment, etc, and follow the program. By doing this I am working on ridding myself of the aforementioned pride, ego, fear, resentments--all of which are things about myself that caused me to continue drinking/thinking/living the way I used to.
I also really enjoy the fellowship of other recovering alcoholics. I now have several new (sober!) friends, and it never ceases to amaze me how nice most of these people are, how they will go out of their way to help me out (even in things entirely unrelated to the program).

Sorry for the long post. I am not trying to be an AA thumper here. Just trying to share some of the wisdom I have gained in the past two months, some of the things that have worked for me.

Hang in there Richard.

bdiddy5522

Very nice post Sphal. Exactly what I was thinking! So true. AA teaches you how to LIVE, not just not drink. I totally understand what they mean by a "sober drunk" now. Being sober does not make you happy! Learning how to LIVE sober makes you happy!