trailmix

Loved by him or just in general. Your family loves you. No it's not the same as romantic love, but knowing that helps I think.

I'm sorry they have given you an ultimatum, but addiction is a family thing - it affects every single person that is in contact with it. You, your children, your other family, his family, workmates (when he works), the other woman and her child? and their family, even his biker drug buddies. Even the dealer and the guy at the store - every single person. To greater and lessor degrees of course, with you and your children taking the most.

Sometimes, as bookbuff mentioned, our thought processes can be not all they should be, different traumas can affect this, including what you are going through. That's where boundaries come in. When we have boundaries we aren't flying by the seat of our pants when stuff like this happens, we have a plan, if you like. I will not allow an addict to be in my life or my children's lives. That's the boundary you are contemplating. I'm sure you know this is right, but your heart or old memories might be saying - never mind! I can do what I feel etc etc. The boundary should hold regardless, you made it or have made it when you are in a less emotional and more logical place.

For children, being around an addict means someone is being really mean to their Mom. That's so hard to watch for a child. You are helpless against this person hurting your Mom. Your Mom is crying and you can't do anything. It means never knowing when "that guy" is going to appear, it's scary and again, you are helpless, you just get to wait to hear the car door slam and see what happens (or the bike being parked?).

If he is late getting home, you lay in bed and wait for that arrival to see what will happen.

You can start to build defenses, you kind of have to, you learn to walk on eggshells, try not to rock the boat. These things can absolutely carry in to adulthood. Loyalty to a fault - no matter how badly someone treats you, you should give them another chance right? When people yell, although you are all grown up it might bring tears to your eyes and have you cringing. They don't even need to be yelling at you.

Whenever someone arrives at the house, there is fear, even though it may be someone you really enjoy having around, like your husband or child because that memory is still there.

And it's those types of situations that can lead to where you are. Feeling sorry for your abuser, who makes lots of flowery promises and proclamations but does absolutely nothing to fix himself. He just feels sorry for himself.

He knows he is getting to you, I would expect him to ramp this up, including asking to move back in again so you can "help" him get clean (because you know he can't do it without you!) Thousands of grown up people manage to find treatment without help from their spouse, but not him. And the fact that you were right there and willing to help before, didn't help. Those are just details though and he's not interested in that, just in the sweet emails that will give him someplace to live (and I assume he still isn't working).

trailmix

It's certainly not that uncommon. It's a well known manipulation technique. Now whether the person does it because they are a manipulator with intent, or whether they do it because it's rare they actually feel like being "nice", or they just want something from the other person, I would say that varies.

Affection > withholding affection > reward with affection > withholding affection > no reward etc etc, randomly.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-a...o-your-abuser/

Lost2011

That article is on point. So many things ring so true for me. It’s like I can recognize it but the chains of the trauma bond are so tight. I am getting there though.

I like what you said about boundaries. It’s helpful for me to remember this.

Lost2011

Ok so I know I shouldn’t do this but….I creeped his Facebook and he is posting all these memes about loyalty, and how his side of the story doesn’t matter, and how he has such a big heart etc.

it’s like laughable really? Like is he crazy? The way he must see this situation is mind boggling. You were the most disloyal and dishonest person in this marriage. But now he has “healed” and know who deserves a seat at his table. Well so do I, my friend.

sorry had to get it off my chest. I know I shouldn’t even look. But morbid curiosity gets the best of me .

venuscat

Where are the ones talking about recovery? The I messed up my marriage memes? The I am an addict meme....

None of us can tell you what to do love, but if it were me, I would contact a lawyer and get some distance from this guy. s xx

Lost2011

Right?! I know. I spoke to my lawyer yesterday and he says I should get an agreement in place asap. But I feel like I don’t have the strength to deal with that right now….

Bookbuff

Hey lost
It got to the point I had to choose too, i fell for two addicts, it nearly killed me but I chose my family and put myself into therapy, it hurt a lot, these ppl promised me the sun, moon and the stars but deep down I knew the game.
I am just doing me now, when i cut it clean, guess what my first love took his life, second one he went straight to an addict, he can use and do as he pleases, I wish I could tell you the right thing to do, all I know is I don't want to spend rest of my life picking up the pieces and his druggie mates around or at my door. Choices suck sometimes. B x

trailmix

Just like he used FB to try to hurt you (or just feed his ego) when he was living with the other woman, he is now using it to try to save face. It's just a tool for him.

"Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress"

"In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him".

"At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else".

https://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/..._Lies_Rel.html

I should mention, these papers were written by Floyd P Garret MD an addiction specialist.

trailmix

"One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that àat least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case".

The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:
.

• .Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
• My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
• Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.

trailmix

I totally understand this.

Perhaps you could just ask him if he could email you the questions you need to answer and you could get a start on filling in those answers, or make those decisions, in those minutes or hours when you are feeling stronger. Eventually it will get done.

Tell him you are overwhelmed right now and need to take your time, lawyers (mostly lol) are human too.

Lost2011

Welp pretty sure he has a new girlfriend. You were spot on with that. Here i was living in some stupid fantasy world believing maybe, just possibly, he could mean the things he said. Ugh. I am hurt and disgusted with myself. Another set back for me but I now realize I just need to go no contact and detach. I am having a hard day.

venuscat

Well, I don't think you need to be hard on yourself. At all. Now you know, which is good. And you can talk to your lawyer and move on with your life. s ❤️❤️

Lost2011

Ya it hurts though. Again. I am so stupid. I can’t stop crying - I don’t know why I torture myself. I am a glutton for punishment I guess.

venuscat

You needed to know, and these are tears of grief, I am sure. s ❤️

Lost2011

It is grief. It’s so hard to grieve for someone still alive.

venuscat

I really think talking to a counsellor could help, dear Lost. s
End-of-relationship grief can be very hard to deal with. xxxxx

Lost2011

I feel so lost.

trailmix

I'm sorry you got hurt by him, yet again.

When you say you feel "so lost" what does that mean?

You aren't stupid by the way, you ABSOLUTELY are not the first person to touch the stove again, just to make sure that burner is hot and you absolutely will not be the last. It's how we learn!

You are strong and you will get through this, you were also well on your way to healing, this is a set back, but keep remembering how you were feeling before he decided to make an appearance. I'm going to post something below, please don't take it too much to heart, but maybe keep it in mind the next time someone throws him out.

Also remember A. He is not a nice guy in his right mind and B. He is desperate for somewhere to live.

trailmix

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)

Lost2011

I feel like I don’t who I am anymore. Everything in this house reminds me of him and the fantasy of what I wanted lost and gone. I feel broken beyond repair like there is nothing left of me. I feel devastated and am grieving really hard. I don’t even know what I am feeling beyond this enormous gaping hole in myself that can’t be filled.