What Addicts Do
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What Addicts Do
What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Last edited by Ann; 09-05-2011 at 08:18 AM. Reason: Fixing the end bracket
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am adding this from our member Nightsd because it describes so well how the disease of addiction is experienced from the addict's point of view. Thank you Nightsd for posting this.
I'm an addict and was addicted to heroin myself for years.
I remember lying to my boyfriend about my use. Everything I ever told him about my use was a lie.
Know this: from my own experience, addicts do not lie because they somehow get a sick pleasure from manipulating others. That simply isn't the case. We lie for one reason, and one reason only, and that is so we could continue to get high.
I felt terrible after I lied to my boyfriend about my use. I felt like the scum of the earth. But I was so incredibly hooked I had convinced myself that living without heroin would have made everything worse.
You see, here's the thing about us "manipulative" addicts. We aren't just lying and manipulating those around us. Were lying and manipulating ourselves. Our addictions are experts at manipulating our own minds so we continue using.
That said, I don't think your boyfriend will be able to stop any time soon. I truly believe that most heroin addicts need to hit a very low bottom before we can stop. Heroin creates in us such a powerful great feeling that it takes an equally low bottom before we truly realize we can no longer use. Most addicts need the immediate decision to quit to be made for them by their circumstances, like homelessness.
Your boyfriend is on the titanic. Whether you want to stay on the sinking ship with him or not is truly up to you. But as long as you don't use and as long as you don't enable him to use you shouldn't be harming him or yourself. You could actually be one of the few positive people in his life. He will never be able to quit for your sake. That is not to make him sound selfish. Most addicts can't even quit for their own sake.
You have to decide for yourself what to do. I've never met either of you. As a recovering addict myself, I don't think I could stay with an addict. The disease is too selfish. As much as he wishes he could, he will not be able to give you the amount of attention he feels he needs to give to heroin right now. Hopefully if you choose to leave him, it will make his descent towards his bottom much faster so he can quit soon.
Addiction is pretty selfish, but not by choice. I have been reading this forum a lot, and a lot of you relatives/spouses of addicts seem to think that we addicts gain some sick pleasure from lying, manipulating, and stealing from you. From my own experience, I hated doing all of those things. And I never do any of those things now that I'm sober. But in my addiction, I truly felt like I didn't even had a choice. I was convinced that if I didn't use I would die, somehow. So please don't demonize us. Addicts are going through our own personal, unique hell that by the grace of god you will never have to experience for yourselves.
I remember lying to my boyfriend about my use. Everything I ever told him about my use was a lie.
Know this: from my own experience, addicts do not lie because they somehow get a sick pleasure from manipulating others. That simply isn't the case. We lie for one reason, and one reason only, and that is so we could continue to get high.
I felt terrible after I lied to my boyfriend about my use. I felt like the scum of the earth. But I was so incredibly hooked I had convinced myself that living without heroin would have made everything worse.
You see, here's the thing about us "manipulative" addicts. We aren't just lying and manipulating those around us. Were lying and manipulating ourselves. Our addictions are experts at manipulating our own minds so we continue using.
That said, I don't think your boyfriend will be able to stop any time soon. I truly believe that most heroin addicts need to hit a very low bottom before we can stop. Heroin creates in us such a powerful great feeling that it takes an equally low bottom before we truly realize we can no longer use. Most addicts need the immediate decision to quit to be made for them by their circumstances, like homelessness.
Your boyfriend is on the titanic. Whether you want to stay on the sinking ship with him or not is truly up to you. But as long as you don't use and as long as you don't enable him to use you shouldn't be harming him or yourself. You could actually be one of the few positive people in his life. He will never be able to quit for your sake. That is not to make him sound selfish. Most addicts can't even quit for their own sake.
You have to decide for yourself what to do. I've never met either of you. As a recovering addict myself, I don't think I could stay with an addict. The disease is too selfish. As much as he wishes he could, he will not be able to give you the amount of attention he feels he needs to give to heroin right now. Hopefully if you choose to leave him, it will make his descent towards his bottom much faster so he can quit soon.
Addiction is pretty selfish, but not by choice. I have been reading this forum a lot, and a lot of you relatives/spouses of addicts seem to think that we addicts gain some sick pleasure from lying, manipulating, and stealing from you. From my own experience, I hated doing all of those things. And I never do any of those things now that I'm sober. But in my addiction, I truly felt like I didn't even had a choice. I was convinced that if I didn't use I would die, somehow. So please don't demonize us. Addicts are going through our own personal, unique hell that by the grace of god you will never have to experience for yourselves.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 15
Jon,
you could be my AH BF, I believed his words, I believed his kind actions. You made me realize that his kind actions only continued as long as I did and gave him the things he needed. When I didnt, I paid the price.
You have given me insight, and I thank you for your words. Clear and blunt, no beating around the bush. I cant save him, but you helped save me.
you could be my AH BF, I believed his words, I believed his kind actions. You made me realize that his kind actions only continued as long as I did and gave him the things he needed. When I didnt, I paid the price.
You have given me insight, and I thank you for your words. Clear and blunt, no beating around the bush. I cant save him, but you helped save me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Belgium
Posts: 2
First Day; First Post; Couldn't Be Newer
Nearly clueless, that's me.
All I know is that my son's addiction - 10 years of on again/off again - is finally taking its toll on my marriage of 29 years.
Living in Europe, real meetings are not a very good option, so I've decided to give this a try. Please forgive the newbie!
It's a classic case of mother-enabler, father-bad cop. I'm willing to face the terrible pain of saying goodbye (most hopefully not forever...) to my son. My wife, on the other hand, cannot tolerate such a possibility.
So, drugs have truly dealt my family quite a blow.
I'll be so glad to hear from anyone willing to share insights with someone so very new and inexperienced!
All I know is that my son's addiction - 10 years of on again/off again - is finally taking its toll on my marriage of 29 years.
Living in Europe, real meetings are not a very good option, so I've decided to give this a try. Please forgive the newbie!
It's a classic case of mother-enabler, father-bad cop. I'm willing to face the terrible pain of saying goodbye (most hopefully not forever...) to my son. My wife, on the other hand, cannot tolerate such a possibility.
So, drugs have truly dealt my family quite a blow.
I'll be so glad to hear from anyone willing to share insights with someone so very new and inexperienced!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
Welcome to SR Ripon75!
You might want to make your post after the stickies, you will get more of a response. You have found a good place. I am here because of an addicted husband but there are many people in this forum that have children who are addicts. You will find a lot of wisdom here.
You might want to make your post after the stickies, you will get more of a response. You have found a good place. I am here because of an addicted husband but there are many people in this forum that have children who are addicts. You will find a lot of wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4
I'm here because of the woman I married, and when I found this I printed it out and put in my notebook bag, so the next time she went snooping through my things, she found it and read it and broke down crying. I told it was my encouragement and attempt to understand my situation.
It was truly a great read. She is now in recovery, and here is the challenging part.
It was truly a great read. She is now in recovery, and here is the challenging part.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I fell in love two years ago with a beautiful man. It has been a long difficult road but my heart was in it. I was told after the first relapse to let him go. That was at two months together. I have been with him through several relapses, treatments in patient and out, al anon weekend for me, a week long codependency retreat, and my own AA recovery (almost six years now). Just could simply not understand his oh so baffling addiction to crack. Have worked and worked and worked to find serenity and understanding and compassion for him and for myself. Tonight I am writing this and he is out again using. In calling around I discovered he has been lying about his "work" whereabouts all week or ten days and has been coming home and pretending. Amazing. This is my new low, and this is my bottom. I refuse to "love him to death" by enabling him. I have his friends ready to come take him away from the front door of our beautiful home because he cannot live here. He is not in recovery, he is an active addict. I dare say he uses recovery community and resources to manage his use. I pray for him. I love him. But I am letting him go. I am letting God love him now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
It's 24 hours later and I have him packing his things. He will leave my house, and our relationship, early tomorrow morning. I am lucky to have loving people texting me, and this new resource to help bolster my resolve, as I sit here quietly listening to him pack and make his plans. My sadness makes me soft. I need to follow through with this. My dreams and hopes and love for him feel alternately like illusions and denial. I guess I will never know and will have to be at peace with that.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Leslie,
I hope you will join our regular forum and post to introduce yourself. The stickies posts up here are mostly for reading rather than discussion, and I am glad this reading meant something to you.
Ann
I hope you will join our regular forum and post to introduce yourself. The stickies posts up here are mostly for reading rather than discussion, and I am glad this reading meant something to you.
Ann
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Peekskill, NY
Posts: 1
Leslie,
I know exactly what you are going through having been involved with a crack addict for the last 5 months. When I met him he told me he had been a former crack addict and for the first three months he was sober. Then, it started-the disappearing, not going to work, stealing, lying etc. After a rather bizarre incident involving unwilling imprisonment, I had him arrested because I desparately wanted him to enter a treatment program. Instead, his parents took him back to their house and they are blaming me for his problem and denying that his crack addiction even exists. I do love him but at this time I need to let him go.
I know exactly what you are going through having been involved with a crack addict for the last 5 months. When I met him he told me he had been a former crack addict and for the first three months he was sober. Then, it started-the disappearing, not going to work, stealing, lying etc. After a rather bizarre incident involving unwilling imprisonment, I had him arrested because I desparately wanted him to enter a treatment program. Instead, his parents took him back to their house and they are blaming me for his problem and denying that his crack addiction even exists. I do love him but at this time I need to let him go.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3
so really here we are again
So I cut and pasted this post I did in August and now it is November.....spouse had 18 months sober, we got through the "I need my space" thing or so I thought. Then to find out, he has been planning his release from probation to this extreme: using every pay chcek to buy crack just like a user only stashing it for the day he gets off. Now, literally thousands of dollars later, stash is gone, oh btw, it has been 30 days and guess where we are? "Baby, please, I'm done...can you just give me 10 bucks. 20?" Lost job, stole $1000 out of my bank account in the last 5 days, and he keeps coming back.....tonight, beat up by a crack dealer he owes money to, cell phone lost (some person called my number and said "I found this cell phone I swear") and unless I have him arrested, I am lost. Happy Holidays, yeah right....why do I continue.....it's not just about me but about an elderly, not well, set of parents(his) and a loving family that just can't figure this stuff out
I chose to fell sad today
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My spouse of 18 years is in recovery now for 16 months. A long road to get here. We have lived apart and together off and on through the last few years as he finally settled into recovery. We have moved slowly back into our life together and let me preface this to say, he is my soul mate, my best friend and awesome lover.
A couple of months ago, he started obsessively texting other people mostly women (most of whom are in AA) and started exhibiting the same sneaky behavior and manipulating he did when he was using. One in particular, and I, in a lapse of sanity, started treating him as I did when he was using....trying to catch him, stop him.....
Then I did the worst, I confronted both of them. The result? Not so good....so I realize my poor judgement and have changed my behavior to give him space for his program and I am working mine (alanon). I slipped, I think we all do, but as a counselor once told me, its ok to slip, its what you do to pick yourself back up that matters.
Last week he tells me he is detached from life and wants to move away and live by himself at least for a while. I feel like he has traded one addiction for another. I think I know the answer, and that is I need to let him go to figure things out on his own. I am just so sad......I want everything to be right again and I miss my best friend.
Recovery is so hard. He holds alot of resentments and can't seem to get a handle on it. Sometimes it is really hard for me to understand, but I want to be understanding and I hope for our life to come back together.
Today I chose to feel sad......
I chose to fell sad today
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My spouse of 18 years is in recovery now for 16 months. A long road to get here. We have lived apart and together off and on through the last few years as he finally settled into recovery. We have moved slowly back into our life together and let me preface this to say, he is my soul mate, my best friend and awesome lover.
A couple of months ago, he started obsessively texting other people mostly women (most of whom are in AA) and started exhibiting the same sneaky behavior and manipulating he did when he was using. One in particular, and I, in a lapse of sanity, started treating him as I did when he was using....trying to catch him, stop him.....
Then I did the worst, I confronted both of them. The result? Not so good....so I realize my poor judgement and have changed my behavior to give him space for his program and I am working mine (alanon). I slipped, I think we all do, but as a counselor once told me, its ok to slip, its what you do to pick yourself back up that matters.
Last week he tells me he is detached from life and wants to move away and live by himself at least for a while. I feel like he has traded one addiction for another. I think I know the answer, and that is I need to let him go to figure things out on his own. I am just so sad......I want everything to be right again and I miss my best friend.
Recovery is so hard. He holds alot of resentments and can't seem to get a handle on it. Sometimes it is really hard for me to understand, but I want to be understanding and I hope for our life to come back together.
Today I chose to feel sad......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 4
I guess I came to this community in search of some kind of help. I've been in a very hectic relationship for two years now, and this man and I recently had a child who I love so much and thank GOD every day for having her in my life. He is a "recovering" drug addict. We have been through so many ups and downs. When I first met him he was taking suboxone off the street and abusing it by I.V'ing ( he is a diabetic, so has access to needles all the time ).. I found out for the first time when he continuously used my bathroom for 30 minutes at a time, and then confronted him after noticing the track marks on his arm. He told me it "wasn't an issue" and could stop. Well, I don't really need to go on after that. You know what happens. He didn't stop of course. He didn't stop for a long time. The longest time he's been "sober" without needles, or suboxone, is 2 months, after a 25 day jail stint. When we had our daughter, he stopped using needles for a couple months, but has now started shooting up "water". He gets his suboxone strips occasionally, and we argue over the use of them, because he's dissapointed me so much and I just want him OFF everything all together, and our relationship and FAMILY is slowly going down the drain. i'm reaching out to any of you in a similar situation. Mind you, before we met he was addicted to cocaine and pain killers. He had been only using suboxone off the streets and mainly that's all he has used since we've been together, with the occasional relapse on crack. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm at a loss.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NM
Posts: 1
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
My daughter is working the steps and our lives are calm at last. Four months is not a very long time clean but a day clean is good!
Learning to live clean has been difficult for her. She is a bright, charismatic type everyone loves. Before drugs, she was exceedingly responsible, energetic and nigh on a workaholic. Now, she seems addicted to recovery and drawing unemployment until both state and government funds are exhausted. Granted, she needs time to learn how to live with a clear mind, but I am beginning to wonder when her first step back into some kind of employment and parenting will take place. She attends 2 and 3 meetings per day, every day - and even some night meetings. She has 2 service meetings per week with juvies. She is head-long, immersed! There is no moderation. My question to parents is: what has been your experience?
Is there such a thing as an addiction to the recovery program to the point that recovery is 100% of one's life to the exclusion of everything else?
Need some advice and appreciate this forum.
and 
Agatha
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: medford nj
Posts: 10
What did you put in a bag? My friend is addicted to pills (adderall and anything he can take) and I am in dire need to help him and wonder if this would be a good idea to just slip in his room one day. Please helpp me!!!
I'm here because of the woman I married, and when I found this I printed it out and put in my notebook bag, so the next time she went snooping through my things, she found it and read it and broke down crying. I told it was my encouragement and attempt to understand my situation.
It was truly a great read. She is now in recovery, and here is the challenging part.[/QUOTE]
I'm here because of the woman I married, and when I found this I printed it out and put in my notebook bag, so the next time she went snooping through my things, she found it and read it and broke down crying. I told it was my encouragement and attempt to understand my situation.
It was truly a great read. She is now in recovery, and here is the challenging part.[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Fairfield CA
Posts: 1
Jon's statement describes my wife perfectly. I watched her nearly die twice in two years and go through rehab recently only to be drinking again within two weeks of getting out. At present she's flirting with smaller amounts of alcohol - not the full-on Magnum-a-day or more habit but that is inevitable. She will die this time. Not sure what to do...
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