Lost
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He kept trying to spin this story that it was a mistake and he met her after he moved out. And trying to blame him moving out on both of us - like that my behaviour towards him precipitated him moving out.
like you did what you did and now you have to stand on it. He emailed me today asking me to be his date for his work Christmas party. I told him I am so hurt by you and am picking up pieces. I was doing good and making progress and this is opening wounds and I need distance. He response was “ok”.
like you did what you did and now you have to stand on it. He emailed me today asking me to be his date for his work Christmas party. I told him I am so hurt by you and am picking up pieces. I was doing good and making progress and this is opening wounds and I need distance. He response was “ok”.
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More alcoholism 101:
You're not so pure yourself!
"Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction"
https://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/...lcoholics.html
.
You're not so pure yourself!
"Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction"
https://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/...lcoholics.html
.
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His manipulation techniques, as above, are nothing new.
He wants what he wants and he wants that now and to hell with what you want or need.
In any of this has he bothered to enquire how you are doing, how the kids are, if you need any financial help.
This play has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him as this is how he operates. It's not only manipulative and mean, it's very immature. Addicts can sometimes tend to be immature as they haven't allowed themselves to learn the tools that most people do in life, or experience the life experiences, because they're high.
Like you said yesterday, forgetting to take out the garbage is a mistake.
- We had been arguing and he up and left me for some girl. I am assuming he has been cheating for awhile
- He claimed that the drugs were nothing and not effecting him. But he slept pretty much all day.
- I would find him scraping baggies to get just one more line
- he stopped speaking to his family, lost interest in spending time with me and the kids
- He constantly accused me of cheating on him and would gaslight me with accusations or scenarios that never happened.
- I wasn’t allowed social media or I wasn’t allowed to wear certain clothes.
This was no mistake, he did exactly what he wanted to. He's lying. I wouldn't believe a word he says.
He wants what he wants and he wants that now and to hell with what you want or need.
In any of this has he bothered to enquire how you are doing, how the kids are, if you need any financial help.
This play has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him as this is how he operates. It's not only manipulative and mean, it's very immature. Addicts can sometimes tend to be immature as they haven't allowed themselves to learn the tools that most people do in life, or experience the life experiences, because they're high.
Like you said yesterday, forgetting to take out the garbage is a mistake.
- We had been arguing and he up and left me for some girl. I am assuming he has been cheating for awhile
- He claimed that the drugs were nothing and not effecting him. But he slept pretty much all day.
- I would find him scraping baggies to get just one more line
- he stopped speaking to his family, lost interest in spending time with me and the kids
- He constantly accused me of cheating on him and would gaslight me with accusations or scenarios that never happened.
- I wasn’t allowed social media or I wasn’t allowed to wear certain clothes.
This was no mistake, he did exactly what he wanted to. He's lying. I wouldn't believe a word he says.
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Thank you for reminding me. I find my self backsliding sometimes- for whatever reason I keep wanting to put on those damn rose coloured glasses. But I know it needs
to end.
How is it that I end up feeling sorry for him? This is what makes me feel broken.
to end.
How is it that I end up feeling sorry for him? This is what makes me feel broken.
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Yes I think you're right, he was hoping for something like - "oh Mom, please let him come back".
Feeling sorry for him, well I think that's pretty normal, pity, compassion, even love. But all those things can be done from afar. If you invite him back, that means you are sacrificing yourself. You don't have to be in a relationship with him to feel compassion for his incredibly screwed up life.
If he had any idea of how to behave, he wouldn't have dared contact your children. I would be furious at that, personally.
When you find yourself putting on your rose coloured glasses, just take a moment and think of him digging in that baggie for one more hit, then sitting on your sofa half conscious doing nothing.
Truthfully, he is really seeking someone that will just let him be with his drugs and his biker stuff and make sure he eats. Sadly he is a grown man looking for someone to take care of him. But you aren't his Mother and he can take care of himself. He did before he met you, he did while he was with this other woman (in a manner of speaking) and he can now.
In fact, if you ignore him, he will probably find someone else pretty quickly.
Nothing to do with you or with them, all to do with what he wants.
Feeling sorry for him, well I think that's pretty normal, pity, compassion, even love. But all those things can be done from afar. If you invite him back, that means you are sacrificing yourself. You don't have to be in a relationship with him to feel compassion for his incredibly screwed up life.
If he had any idea of how to behave, he wouldn't have dared contact your children. I would be furious at that, personally.
When you find yourself putting on your rose coloured glasses, just take a moment and think of him digging in that baggie for one more hit, then sitting on your sofa half conscious doing nothing.
Truthfully, he is really seeking someone that will just let him be with his drugs and his biker stuff and make sure he eats. Sadly he is a grown man looking for someone to take care of him. But you aren't his Mother and he can take care of himself. He did before he met you, he did while he was with this other woman (in a manner of speaking) and he can now.
In fact, if you ignore him, he will probably find someone else pretty quickly.
Nothing to do with you or with them, all to do with what he wants.
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Originally Posted by Lost2011 
He reached out the kids to say sorry and tell them leaving them was a mistake yada yada.
So will he make another mistake? Will he just forget them by mistake?
That's fear making for a child and such horrible treatment.
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Ya I agree. And again it didn’t feel very genuine. My daughter went off on him which I don’t think he liked very much. Doesn’t like be called out on his s hitty behaviour.
I agree he will likely find someone else pretty quick. He asked me to go to counselling with him but I don’t think this is fixable.
if he was really interested in fixing things he would start with himself.
I agree he will likely find someone else pretty quick. He asked me to go to counselling with him but I don’t think this is fixable.
if he was really interested in fixing things he would start with himself.
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It just feel like another big mind f**k . But the worst part about it is even though I feel stronger there is this longing
for who he used to be.
I could tell from our text conversation that nothing is different. When I told him he needs to get clean - he says what’s the point? I lost you and no once cares no wonder I use drugs. Like all the damage you caused but you have this poor me attitude.
Ugh it just feel like it has reopened old wounds.
for who he used to be.
I could tell from our text conversation that nothing is different. When I told him he needs to get clean - he says what’s the point? I lost you and no once cares no wonder I use drugs. Like all the damage you caused but you have this poor me attitude.
Ugh it just feel like it has reopened old wounds.
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It has to some degree. I completely understand why you talked or exchanged texts with him. You want to know what's going on!
Maybe it's time to block him and have the kids block him too. He does nothing for you except hurt you over and over. He will keep at you until you cave or until you stop talking to him. He won't let up, I know you don't want this to be how each day is.
OMG, I'm sorry but that's pathetic, truly. Plus didn't he say the drugs didn't affect him?? So do they or don't they or does he just make up things as he goes along, to try to create a story that works for him.
Maybe it's time to block him and have the kids block him too. He does nothing for you except hurt you over and over. He will keep at you until you cave or until you stop talking to him. He won't let up, I know you don't want this to be how each day is.
I lost you and no once cares no wonder I use drugs
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I wonder if he is following the addiction excuses 101 manual?
All I want is a little relief
"Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable, he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world".
All I want is a little relief
"Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable, he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world".
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It's the slow progression in your relationship.
You met him, he was no monster then I take it or you would have been running for the hills, probably calling someone to say omg I went on this date with this guy and etc etc.
So he was maybe charming, had a job, was even engaged, interested in you. Then things slow creep up. He thinks you dress too suggestively, you need to tone it down. Ok well that seem reasonable, he is a bit jealous, he must really love you. He thinks you are so fantastic, in fact, that he wants to check your phone, because won't someone else come and take you! He loves you so much he is scared of losing you!
And he's using drugs now, but OMG you are over reacting, why are you trying to ruin this wonderful relationship! If you would just be "normal" and not all dramatic, everything would be fine!
None of this happened overnight and none of it is love or caring but slowly you adapt, because you don't want to rock the boat and OMG he loves you and things will come right won't they? Maybe even early on he promised you they would. He'll take care of it, no big deal! And early on, it's wasn't didn't seem as dark and manipulative and abusive.
You have been conditioned to feel sorry for him, either in your upbringing or by him (I'm sure this isn't the first time he has played the victim).
There is nothing wrong with you that time away from him won't heal. You were actually doing really well (and still will be once you cut him off), it took some weeks, but wasn't it worth it to have a little peace of mind and to start to feel like "you" again? That will only get better and better as you free yourself from him.
You met him, he was no monster then I take it or you would have been running for the hills, probably calling someone to say omg I went on this date with this guy and etc etc.
So he was maybe charming, had a job, was even engaged, interested in you. Then things slow creep up. He thinks you dress too suggestively, you need to tone it down. Ok well that seem reasonable, he is a bit jealous, he must really love you. He thinks you are so fantastic, in fact, that he wants to check your phone, because won't someone else come and take you! He loves you so much he is scared of losing you!
And he's using drugs now, but OMG you are over reacting, why are you trying to ruin this wonderful relationship! If you would just be "normal" and not all dramatic, everything would be fine!
None of this happened overnight and none of it is love or caring but slowly you adapt, because you don't want to rock the boat and OMG he loves you and things will come right won't they? Maybe even early on he promised you they would. He'll take care of it, no big deal! And early on, it's wasn't didn't seem as dark and manipulative and abusive.
You have been conditioned to feel sorry for him, either in your upbringing or by him (I'm sure this isn't the first time he has played the victim).
There is nothing wrong with you that time away from him won't heal. You were actually doing really well (and still will be once you cut him off), it took some weeks, but wasn't it worth it to have a little peace of mind and to start to feel like "you" again? That will only get better and better as you free yourself from him.
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Hey Lost
This is all so sad and hard for you, he is playing mind games now, unfortunately, for him you have had a wake up call of what you want and don't want in your life, even if you did reconcile you are living differently already and as soon as the drugging and biker life rears its ugly head you would see it crystal clear.
The wise trailmix is right (as always x) he will just find someone else to do those 'habits' with. There will always be a fall back girl or a new one who likes what he likes.
no one would judge you how you decide to move on but I ask you to consider two things very carefully;
1. how will your decision impact your children...now and in the long run?
2. Please if you consider any relations with him make sure he has a check first for any STD, you cannot be sure, and cocaine is a drug known for making persons promiscuous.
just want you to be safe and happy
B x
This is all so sad and hard for you, he is playing mind games now, unfortunately, for him you have had a wake up call of what you want and don't want in your life, even if you did reconcile you are living differently already and as soon as the drugging and biker life rears its ugly head you would see it crystal clear.
The wise trailmix is right (as always x) he will just find someone else to do those 'habits' with. There will always be a fall back girl or a new one who likes what he likes.
no one would judge you how you decide to move on but I ask you to consider two things very carefully;
1. how will your decision impact your children...now and in the long run?
2. Please if you consider any relations with him make sure he has a check first for any STD, you cannot be sure, and cocaine is a drug known for making persons promiscuous.
just want you to be safe and happy
B x
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I told him I need space and distance. I can’t have contact with him right now or maybe ever. Who knows.
I find myself rationalizing a relationship or hoping or something. I can’t describe how I feel in words. I know he isn’t capable of change right now. And even if he was the damage and betrayal are pretty much deal breakers.
it just makes me sad on a really deep level. I know he will probably find someone else who will take him in - idk just hurts.
I find myself rationalizing a relationship or hoping or something. I can’t describe how I feel in words. I know he isn’t capable of change right now. And even if he was the damage and betrayal are pretty much deal breakers.
it just makes me sad on a really deep level. I know he will probably find someone else who will take him in - idk just hurts.
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Yes it sure does hurt. No way around that unfortunately. All anyone can do is get through it the best they can.
It's a shame when someone loses themselves to addiction and I also think it's not that uncommon. It's an odd situation to be in though. They are one way this minute or hour or day and then another way this week or this weekend. It's impossible to be around really (and stay engaged) and maintain your sanity.
My Mom was married to my dad for over 20 years, before she moved out and divorced him. They didn't really have any "marriage" to speak of at that point, they just coexisted.
I'm sure it all started out pretty good. As a child I always knew there was a big problem, couldn't really name it, knew it was because he came home drunk and they argued. Over the years they grew further and further apart, just a natural progression as those types of relationships go, because you can't really have a relationship with someone who is deep in to addiction.
He had a girlfriend for a several years, then she got sick and needed care, so he was basically on his own then, with his few buddies and we children dropping by periodically.
He never quit drinking. Never said he would, at least not in my hearing. My Mom also didn't talk about his drinking to him. It was who he was. I think she actually stayed in those later years of marriage purely from a financial aspect and I completely understand that. Not a lot of opportunities in the workforce for people who have stayed home to raise their children for 20 years. (after she left him she did get a job, just to finish up that story!).
So the gist of this story is, even if you allowed him to come back as he is, even if you could ignore all the things wrong here, eventually, probably pretty soon after this latest fiasco, you would drift apart. You can't really connect with an addict on any meaningful level (their focus is elsewhere). And if you try, well you just get to hop on the crazy train with them.
It's a shame when someone loses themselves to addiction and I also think it's not that uncommon. It's an odd situation to be in though. They are one way this minute or hour or day and then another way this week or this weekend. It's impossible to be around really (and stay engaged) and maintain your sanity.
My Mom was married to my dad for over 20 years, before she moved out and divorced him. They didn't really have any "marriage" to speak of at that point, they just coexisted.
I'm sure it all started out pretty good. As a child I always knew there was a big problem, couldn't really name it, knew it was because he came home drunk and they argued. Over the years they grew further and further apart, just a natural progression as those types of relationships go, because you can't really have a relationship with someone who is deep in to addiction.
He had a girlfriend for a several years, then she got sick and needed care, so he was basically on his own then, with his few buddies and we children dropping by periodically.
He never quit drinking. Never said he would, at least not in my hearing. My Mom also didn't talk about his drinking to him. It was who he was. I think she actually stayed in those later years of marriage purely from a financial aspect and I completely understand that. Not a lot of opportunities in the workforce for people who have stayed home to raise their children for 20 years. (after she left him she did get a job, just to finish up that story!).
So the gist of this story is, even if you allowed him to come back as he is, even if you could ignore all the things wrong here, eventually, probably pretty soon after this latest fiasco, you would drift apart. You can't really connect with an addict on any meaningful level (their focus is elsewhere). And if you try, well you just get to hop on the crazy train with them.
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And that crazy train is no fun at all, gave me a nervous breakdown at one point, my thought process was askew and my life choices so bad i made my children and family miserable. It took a long time to get back to myself. Take care dear Lost, i know its not easy. B xx
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No doubt it’s no fun. My family told me it was them or him and that if i accepted him back in my life they couldn’t be a part of mine. Which sort of hurts but I do understand. I guess in some way to them I am the addict - addicted to toxic relationships.
it’s still very hard though - I am trying to focus on other things and make some goals for myself. But my mind keeps turning to him. He sent me this long email about how much he loves me and regrets what he did. Part of me knows it’s bulls**t but the other part yearns to be loved by him. So confusing really.
it’s still very hard though - I am trying to focus on other things and make some goals for myself. But my mind keeps turning to him. He sent me this long email about how much he loves me and regrets what he did. Part of me knows it’s bulls**t but the other part yearns to be loved by him. So confusing really.
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