Lost
Member
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Hey
I totally get the change vibe, I refloored, painted, wallpapered, new bedding and built new wardrobes my bed room with the help of Ikea. Did wonders for my brain, i needed a project, now that space in particular feels clean.
The wallowing eased a bit while doing these things, nothing wipes it out, it just becomes part of your past. Id recommend a project for sure, kept my thoughts not focused just on loss and a sense of accomplishment after
B x
I totally get the change vibe, I refloored, painted, wallpapered, new bedding and built new wardrobes my bed room with the help of Ikea. Did wonders for my brain, i needed a project, now that space in particular feels clean.
The wallowing eased a bit while doing these things, nothing wipes it out, it just becomes part of your past. Id recommend a project for sure, kept my thoughts not focused just on loss and a sense of accomplishment after
B x
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Just wanted to chime in, you feeling sorry for him isn’t weakness!
It takes bravery and strength to hold space in your heart and mind to be open to trusting others (in general, not him specifically). You are very brave and strong for keeping your own ability to be compassionate.
However, the codependency lie that all strong, open-hearted people have to look out for is the lie that “having sympathy=actively doing work to give other people what they want.” That is just not true. Feeling compassion and sympathy does not require you to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
So just wanted to say, I think you feeling these very human feelings of compassion are an indication of the strength and resilience of your emotional body. But if those thoughts make you feel guilty for not “doing more” I think that’s based on a false “if A, then B” assumption—“if I’m a good person and I feel sympathy for someone, then I need to caretake for them and make their life better or I’m suddenly a bad person.” Seriously, who taught us that nonsense???
It takes bravery and strength to hold space in your heart and mind to be open to trusting others (in general, not him specifically). You are very brave and strong for keeping your own ability to be compassionate.
However, the codependency lie that all strong, open-hearted people have to look out for is the lie that “having sympathy=actively doing work to give other people what they want.” That is just not true. Feeling compassion and sympathy does not require you to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
So just wanted to say, I think you feeling these very human feelings of compassion are an indication of the strength and resilience of your emotional body. But if those thoughts make you feel guilty for not “doing more” I think that’s based on a false “if A, then B” assumption—“if I’m a good person and I feel sympathy for someone, then I need to caretake for them and make their life better or I’m suddenly a bad person.” Seriously, who taught us that nonsense???
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
I am doing ok. Better. I took a couple days and sort of went “off grid” from phones computers etc.
My son has been having some difficulties at school with fighting and he got suspended. That’s been bothering me. I want to help him but again I am not really sure how. He’s not a big talker. We have tried therapy in the past but he wasn’t a willing participant. I am trying to just be there for him in the best way I can. I fear I haven’t been as “present” as I should be over these last few weeks.
I am just trying to trudge forward. I haven been really trying the positive self talk. About myself and what I am capable of. It’s doesn’t come naturally for me so I really have to work at it.
My son has been having some difficulties at school with fighting and he got suspended. That’s been bothering me. I want to help him but again I am not really sure how. He’s not a big talker. We have tried therapy in the past but he wasn’t a willing participant. I am trying to just be there for him in the best way I can. I fear I haven’t been as “present” as I should be over these last few weeks.
I am just trying to trudge forward. I haven been really trying the positive self talk. About myself and what I am capable of. It’s doesn’t come naturally for me so I really have to work at it.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
I can’t move unfortunately. I own the home and the state of housing and interest rates just wouldn’t be smart financially. I am committing to staying for a year and re-evaluating the situation. There is some repairs and upkeep here I need to tend to so that is first on my list. Just trying to keep things clean and orderly is a battle right now. I am just trying to take things day by day and find joy where I can get it.
I took my son to a martial arts tournament in Montreal and that was fun and he placed second. Small victories for now.
today I will walk my puppers and grocery shop. The sun is shining and life ain’t so bad. 😊❤️
I took my son to a martial arts tournament in Montreal and that was fun and he placed second. Small victories for now.
today I will walk my puppers and grocery shop. The sun is shining and life ain’t so bad. 😊❤️
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,707
Yay the sun is shining! That is a win (I totally get the winter thing!). Yes moving right now with rates the way they are is terribly difficult.
I'm sorry your Son is struggling a bit, it's so hard when they are at an age where you really don't have that much control over what they get up to. They can be so stubborn. The Martial Arts tournament sound great though Is this the same son?. If so maybe his instructor could have a word with him.
Anyway, you sound really good, look how far you have come in a few weeks. The self talk will get there. Sometimes you have to pause as well and really look at the negatives. If you find yourself saying, for instance, how can I be so stupid - that's the time to stop and say - actually, I'm NOT stupid at all etc etc. We all do stupid things from time to time, but we don't have to call ourselves stupid.
I'm sorry your Son is struggling a bit, it's so hard when they are at an age where you really don't have that much control over what they get up to. They can be so stubborn. The Martial Arts tournament sound great though Is this the same son?. If so maybe his instructor could have a word with him.
Anyway, you sound really good, look how far you have come in a few weeks. The self talk will get there. Sometimes you have to pause as well and really look at the negatives. If you find yourself saying, for instance, how can I be so stupid - that's the time to stop and say - actually, I'm NOT stupid at all etc etc. We all do stupid things from time to time, but we don't have to call ourselves stupid.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Hi !! I am doing good well as good as can be expected. I went official no contact two weeks ago and have been better as a result. Kids are ok - they are struggling with some things but I think it’s the age too. I am trudging along. I feel a lot stronger in my convictions. My soft spot is gone and I now feel disgust for my husband. I know I will likely hear from him again when he needs money or something but I am officially done. I feel a sense of relief instead of sadness. I still feel grief from time to time. But this feels like a second chance to live a life I am proud of. And not chase and enable an addict which isn’t really a life well lived. He was never who I thought he was and I am letting go of the attachment. I am worlds better than where I was three months ago. I was a wreck at first but I am stronger now.
you all have done so much for me and helped me without judgment. I have been more honest here than I could be with some of my family member and the advice dispensed was so so comforting and helpful. It’s amazing how just knowing you are not alone can change you. I am grateful. I will try and lead the way for others eventually but right now I don’t think I am “healed” enough to dispense advice. But I can commiserate which sometime makes people feel better.
you all have done so much for me and helped me without judgment. I have been more honest here than I could be with some of my family member and the advice dispensed was so so comforting and helpful. It’s amazing how just knowing you are not alone can change you. I am grateful. I will try and lead the way for others eventually but right now I don’t think I am “healed” enough to dispense advice. But I can commiserate which sometime makes people feel better.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Hey Lost
Ah yes, when you feel the disgust kicking in and take off the rose coloured glasses and some time away has brought clarity then you see things so totally different.
They really do not change, im sorry your son is finding things hard, not easy for them either, and its really not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone, christmas can be so hard. Its just a day though, this too shall pass.
The new year might just be the way to start fresh and leave this behind, some small manageable steps and a fresh resolve.
Thinking of you, I know sadly how this feels
B x
Ah yes, when you feel the disgust kicking in and take off the rose coloured glasses and some time away has brought clarity then you see things so totally different.
They really do not change, im sorry your son is finding things hard, not easy for them either, and its really not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone, christmas can be so hard. Its just a day though, this too shall pass.
The new year might just be the way to start fresh and leave this behind, some small manageable steps and a fresh resolve.
Thinking of you, I know sadly how this feels
B x
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Thank you Bookbuff. It feels less lonely knowing I am not alone. Grief and loss are hard things to navigate and can take you by surprise I am learning. I am trying to give my son space so he can navigate his own feelings. Not sure that is the best approach but I am unsure of how to handle it. He seems annoyed when I ask him if he is doing ok. It is a tough time of year. Between financial pressure and pressure to feel “joy” when you don’t really- it’s tough. I am hoping 2024 is better.
On a side note, I found the ex is back with the girl he left me for. Which did not send me into a tailspin - so I am making progress. I sort of feel sorry for them both more than anything. This is a second chance for me. He on the other hand is repeating his lessons. I am going to do him the honour of living the same life and experience over and over. I am sure that relationship will end again and he will end up on my doorstep but I am no longer here for him. Self respect is a beautiful thing.
On a side note, I found the ex is back with the girl he left me for. Which did not send me into a tailspin - so I am making progress. I sort of feel sorry for them both more than anything. This is a second chance for me. He on the other hand is repeating his lessons. I am going to do him the honour of living the same life and experience over and over. I am sure that relationship will end again and he will end up on my doorstep but I am no longer here for him. Self respect is a beautiful thing.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,707
Hi Lost, isn't that a huge step forward, not being sent in to a tailspin by his latest escapade. Yes, it will end again, nothing will have changed (despite what he has told her).
As BB mentioned, xmas is just another day. Frankly I don't even care about Christmas anymore (I cooked a turkey etc, that's about it). You are not required to feel joy - that's my take on it!
As for your Son, it can be a really tough situation when they won't talk about anything. There may be resentments brewing but how can you know. Sorry I don't really have any good advice there. I think one thing that (maybe, might) help is to sit down and talk to him about it all, being as honest as his age allows. Explaining alcoholism. Kids can be quite self centered (go figure!) so giving them information, that they can then apply to themselves/their lives is maybe helpful. I think that sometimes trying to shield them from this adult stuff is a mistake. But again, depends on the age.
As BB mentioned, xmas is just another day. Frankly I don't even care about Christmas anymore (I cooked a turkey etc, that's about it). You are not required to feel joy - that's my take on it!
As for your Son, it can be a really tough situation when they won't talk about anything. There may be resentments brewing but how can you know. Sorry I don't really have any good advice there. I think one thing that (maybe, might) help is to sit down and talk to him about it all, being as honest as his age allows. Explaining alcoholism. Kids can be quite self centered (go figure!) so giving them information, that they can then apply to themselves/their lives is maybe helpful. I think that sometimes trying to shield them from this adult stuff is a mistake. But again, depends on the age.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Hey lost
I wonder is there an al-teen or youth al-anon programme, im not sure how old your son is but even reaching out to his school, in confidence of course, they should have some links to therapy or school counsellor
if he has hobbies, try indulge, gaming, or go swimming a nature hike?
its hard I know, being present and the stable parent is hard but he will come round
Also, sad but no surprise he went back to ex, someone he can use with and won't call him out his ****** behaviour. She won no prize, i know it didn't send you spiraling but it still stings. For that im sorry.
one day at a time, its all any of us can do really
B x
I wonder is there an al-teen or youth al-anon programme, im not sure how old your son is but even reaching out to his school, in confidence of course, they should have some links to therapy or school counsellor
if he has hobbies, try indulge, gaming, or go swimming a nature hike?
its hard I know, being present and the stable parent is hard but he will come round
Also, sad but no surprise he went back to ex, someone he can use with and won't call him out his ****** behaviour. She won no prize, i know it didn't send you spiraling but it still stings. For that im sorry.
one day at a time, its all any of us can do really
B x
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Thank you. You’re right it does still sting. But no total downward spiral - small victories I guess. She didn’t win a prize that’s for sure. Not sure how long this go round will last - they broke up once already - stay tuned on that. I found out he met her in the crack shack - birds from a feather flock together I guess.
i don’t know if my son would participate in any sort of meeting. I took him to therapy once and he was very resistant (prior to this whole thing). I am just trying to give him space and let him know I am here if he wants to talk.
I have a lot of guilt about the things he had endured as a result of my ****** choices. I think this hurts me more than my husband drugging, cheating and leaving does. I feel like I didnt put them and their best interests first. I will spend my life making up for this .
i don’t know if my son would participate in any sort of meeting. I took him to therapy once and he was very resistant (prior to this whole thing). I am just trying to give him space and let him know I am here if he wants to talk.
I have a lot of guilt about the things he had endured as a result of my ****** choices. I think this hurts me more than my husband drugging, cheating and leaving does. I feel like I didnt put them and their best interests first. I will spend my life making up for this .
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Oh Lost
I feel the pain from the choices too, I too am in turmoil from whom I shared my life with and as a result subjected my children to behaviour they should have never witnessed
If its any comfort, they do come round, stability is key, it takes time but it will be okay. I still feel huge guilt, im not sure that will ever leave.
you really are better off cutting him loose, water finds its level and he has sunk. Leave him be, you cannot change his path, just your own path and your own choices
really wish you all the best, we are always here for support
B x
I feel the pain from the choices too, I too am in turmoil from whom I shared my life with and as a result subjected my children to behaviour they should have never witnessed
If its any comfort, they do come round, stability is key, it takes time but it will be okay. I still feel huge guilt, im not sure that will ever leave.
you really are better off cutting him loose, water finds its level and he has sunk. Leave him be, you cannot change his path, just your own path and your own choices
really wish you all the best, we are always here for support
B x
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
It really sucks doesn’t it. I am trying to forgive myself because I know better now. But the fact that they have had to suffer as a result pains me deeply. My focus should have always been on them and not my own selfish wants and needs. I am working on making it right which is all I can do. I see now that is what is important. Not chasing some pos man who brings drugs and misery.
We are going to a movie and dinner tonight. Forging a new tradition just the three of us. I am going to do everything in my power to undo the damage I have caused. One day and one step at a time. Lots of love to you! ❤️
We are going to a movie and dinner tonight. Forging a new tradition just the three of us. I am going to do everything in my power to undo the damage I have caused. One day and one step at a time. Lots of love to you! ❤️
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Hey Lost
You have got this nailed, really you have, sure you might have dreams, thoughts and wants but you are living in the real world and I promise you good things will happen. Just go as you are, being an amazing parent, please do not beat yourself up, we are just human and you are doing right now by them and yourself
new year, new you lady, we look forward to hearing all your triumphs in 2024
B x
You have got this nailed, really you have, sure you might have dreams, thoughts and wants but you are living in the real world and I promise you good things will happen. Just go as you are, being an amazing parent, please do not beat yourself up, we are just human and you are doing right now by them and yourself
new year, new you lady, we look forward to hearing all your triumphs in 2024
B x
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