Lost2011

At one point I had something like that. But yes the controlling part was always there. He also tried to control how i parented and wasn’t alway nice to my children. I am not sure why I put up with it and not sure why I think she would get anything different than I did. The fantasy definitely goes past the addiction. And I do need therapy. And I am crying again lol.

trailmix

Yeah, that's not happening.

Something like that. But not really. When you have someone constantly sitting in judgement of you (it's not just his control issues), you can't ever relax and be yourself. I have been around people like this.

You don't parent right, you don't dress right, you OBVIOUSLY can't be trusted so I'll have to check your phone. Can't talk to men because you might run off with one at any time. You are probably a cheater. I'll have to set those kids straight since you are incapable.

It's amazing you have any self esteem left!! This stuff is absolutely toxic to you (I hate the word toxic used like this - because it's over-used now - but it surely fits). People say that they would rather be hit than abused like this and you know what, it's true. (I have experienced both). If instead of saying you can't be trusted he just slapped you in the head, you (and other people) would think of it differently.

You have been through so much, over a period of years, you learned to cope in your own way. Just as children of alcoholics learn different coping methods (like building up defenses) you have learned to go to a better fantasy place, perhaps block out all the bad. Perhaps even bent over backwards and walked on eggshells and tried to turn yourself in to someone he would accept?

What can be confusing is that it never would have mattered what you did, it would never have been enough. You could be the Mother Teresa of compassion, the Gandhi of kindness, cook like Gordon Ramsay and clean your house and sing at the same time - it would never, ever have been enough.

Because it was never about you.

Lost2011

And I am crying. So much resonates.

Lost2011

It’s so hard for me to see these things. I have been so broken down and conditioned to think it’s me.

I have zero self esteem.

and I did bend over backwards and compromise my values. And it still wasn’t enough. I feel crippled emotionally.

I have always been begging to be loved. It’s pathetic really.

How did you move past your abuse? Emotional abuse is so insidious and erodes everything about who you are.

Lost2011

Will he do the same thing to her? Or am I some jerk who deserved it? Did I play victim when I was the perpetrator? My reality is so distorted right now.

suki44883

There's no way to know what he'll do, but I reckon, at some point, he'll revert to what he truly is. And no, you did not deserve his abuse. No one deserves that. Has anyone mentioned Al-anon to you? I think it would be a great help in order for you to see that you aren't alone and that you never ever deserved what you got from him. Many, many women, and men, have been where you are. It really helps to have real face-to-face interaction with those who truly understand. If you don't feel up to face-to-face meetings, there are also online meetings. I do hope you will check it out. My best to you.

trailmix

Sometimes being in a relationship like that there can be a role of "victim", not as in playing a victim, heck you were! But at some point the perpetrator (him) will come back and smooth that all over and that can feel like love.

That doesn't mean you were to blame.

I don't know if he will do it to her because we have no idea who she is. She might be very suggestible, she might hit him with the frying pan. Plus even if you could see, the relationship is still very new, no baggage yet, no arguments maybe, it would be too new to tell.

But he isn't nice, he never has been, he has lots of emotional problems. What you think he's capable of (being great) and who he is are very different don't you think?

trailmix

By the time I was an adult, after living in an alcoholic household for years, I had built up lots of defenses. The defenses built served me well. There is a downside too of course, but oh well!

I never felt that the core of who I am was affected, but that's the way I am. I can completely understand how it affects others differently.

I'm not actually an argumentative person, but he was. He did stop hitting me after a while (I think I gave him an ultimatum), however, the arguing continued. The argument would stop when I knew he was reaching the point where he might just hit me (anger issues).

So after we divorced, I'm not arguing and yelling - because that's something I had to do to defend myself, it's not who I am.

Just like you are not (probably) a person that bends to everyone's will, or maybe you are preconditioned to do that (from past experiences). Only you can answer that. Correcting that means giving yourself boundaries, Making a pact with yourself that you will not deviate from these (of course you can be a teeny bit flexible, but not to your own detriment).

You can build back your self esteem by doing esteem-able things. Every little achievement you make, whether that is cleaning the kitchen, taking the kids out for a fun time, taking care of yourself or helping a friend will do this.

Lost2011

Prior to my current husband I was in another abusive relationship that was a lot worse. It took me three years to get out of it and i could barely make a decision in the grocery store afterwards. It really effected me. I remained single for 5 years cause I was afraid of men and didn’t trust myself to not get into another relationship like this.

And then I met rick and I thought he was the answer to my prayers. Things were really good at first and then the emotional abuse crept in. I needed to show him my Facebook friend list and if the men weren’t family then I really shouldn’t have them on my list. And if someone made a friend request I had to pre-approve them with him. He then started accusing me of sleeping with his brother and doing things that I didn’t think I was doing. For example, he would say I would stop talking to his brother when he came in the room so what were we talking about. He would check my gas mileage, have me call him from work (I think to verify the caller id that I was actually there). It made me question if I was doing these things and didn’t realize it. I would have to apologize for this stuff when I didn’t really know what I did wrong.

one time he hopped out of the car when we were driving with his brother cause he said we were flirting. I had to drive around the neighborhood to find him and beg him not to be mad.

and then the coke came into our lives. The paranoia got worse - he wanted my passwords for everything, go through my work computer. He would accuse me of sleeping with my sons karate sensei (who is half my age).

Then he convinced me to move 45 minutes from my family to the town he was from. He met his now drug dealer bestie and the coke use just went wild.

long story short - I have been bending to a man’s Will for as long as I can remember. Trying to appease or walk on eggshells. Will he do this to his new girlfriend or did I somehow trigger this stuff in him? These are the questions I wrestle with.

I financially supported this man and did so much for him.

Lost2011

Also so sorry you had to go through that. ❤️

Lost2011

I did attend a nar—anon meeting. But I think I was too emotional at the time to get much out of it. I think I spent the whole meeting crying. It’s a bit of a blur.

trailmix

You didn't "trigger" this stuff in him, I think you can be sure of that. He was already messed up before you met him.

Now this is the time you get to work on yourself and build your self esteem so you will never be in that position again. You will have faith in who you are as a person and know yourself so no matter what anyone says, you know who you are.

With boundaries in place, when things like this arise, you will know what you have to do. You will stand up for yourself, you will walk away. You can't fix them. You can't help them, they are who they are.

Lost2011

I know I shouldn’t look on Facebook but I did and he posted this meme about loyalty and a healthy relationship. How in a relationship your triggers come out but in a healthy relationship the person gives you a safe space to work through your trauma. Like seriously? I want to scream.

Lost2011

your right I can’t fix him. He is playing the victim posting memes about where are all the people who said they would be there for you. Painting me out to be the disloyal spouse. Ugh screw him.

trailmix

A perfect example of how he thinks, the perpetual victim. If everyone didn't treat him so badly he would be fine!

He probably does need help, from a professional, instead he numbs his brain with drugs and other things that give him a rush, to make him feel better. What a miserable life.

Have you noticed that the things he accuses others of are the things he is really guilty of himself?

Lost2011

I have noticed he blames other people all the time. He texted me today demanding to know why I said he ripped off my sons karate medals (Which I didn’t say). I didn’t respond. Not going to engage with someone commited to misunderstanding and manipulating the truth.

he is making me the bad guy to justify his crappy behaviour.

trailmix

Where would he even hear that? Does he still have contact with anyone you know? Or is this some old beef from before?

Lost2011

So several months ago my son and him participated in a karate tournament and they both won medals. When we broke up he asked for his medals and I told him that my son wanted to keep them for a memory and he was like “I would really like them back”. Any my response was “seriously? You can’t let the kid keep them?”. And that was the end of the conversation. I told this it one particular person but didn’t say he ripped off the medals just that he didn’t even want to let the poor kid have them . Anyways I have now blocked him. I don’t need his ********.

trailmix

I'd also be blocking that one particular person, they are not your friend that's a betrayal.

Anyway, good for you for blocking you're right, you don't need to hear anything he has to say.

Lost2011

I will block her too. I am over these people and being vilified.

this man can’t even stand on his own two feet hence why he had to move into some other women’s house. In retrospect it was the same thing with me. Moved into my house with a duffel bag cause that’s all he owned. He is basically creating the beginning of our relationship. Again the patterns here.

his sister in law was telling me has always lived off women and basically done what he did to me to them. I didn’t know this - it’s funny what people tell you after the fact. I probably wouldn’t have believed it at the time with my love blinders on anyways.

she doesn’t have the benefit of knowing him before the drugs - so not sure how long it will last. A year maybe two long enough for me to have moved on realize I am better off hopefully.