Lost
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Join Date: Sep 2023
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That could be it. I am learning that control is an illusion. The harder I have ever fought for control the less it seemed I had. I am trying to let go of this need to control - but it’s not an easy thing. My sister is my go to - she has this ability to tell it like it is no sugar coating. But she does it in a way that doesn’t hurt your feeling - challenges you to question your thoughts. Which I absolutely need.
I am trying to practice gratitude everyday- even though I am not who I fully want to be yet. My mantra has been “baby steps”. I have to drive by the crack shack daily and I saw his car there the other day - so I can rest assured he hasn’t decided to better himself. I would like him to find recovery - it won’t change things between us. But ultimately I want recovery for all those who are addicted and suffering.
I am trying to practice gratitude everyday- even though I am not who I fully want to be yet. My mantra has been “baby steps”. I have to drive by the crack shack daily and I saw his car there the other day - so I can rest assured he hasn’t decided to better himself. I would like him to find recovery - it won’t change things between us. But ultimately I want recovery for all those who are addicted and suffering.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by Lost2011 
Thank you!! I do got this! I am seeing alot clearer now about how things really were. I do catch myself going down the fantasy road here and there. But I nip it in the bud quick. I still look at his social media not going to lie - I don’t know why I do it. It upsets me but not the way it did before if that makes sense. It feels like this weird compulsion to do it. My sister says it’s sadness porn and I need to stop immediately- 🤣. I am working on stopping tho cause I feel
it hold me back from living presently in my own life.
it hold me back from living presently in my own life.
Sorry ive not been around here lately, how are you doing!
The sadness porn made me laugh...your sister is right
Ive started new job and gym so busy. Hope your children doing good and you too of course
B x
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by Lost2011
It would be nice to hear an apology one day - like a sincere one. But I won’t hold my breath on that either.
Right now it's about the drugs and what others can do for him while he gets high.
About watching his FB etc. Do you find when you do look (and I totally understand why you do) that it hurts you? Makes you feel bad? Anytime I have done this, actually it was only once and it was a non-hostile breakup, I found it almost scary when I realized the other person could still hurt me. I thought, what won't he do? He wasn't actually a very nice person, so I found out and I know he would purposefully say and do things to be mean, so why would I allow that in my life. Once I realized that - I stopped looking. I actually found it scary, that someone I can't trust had any access to me.
He is a threat to you.
Anyway the FB stuff is whatever he chooses to show you, him at the crack house, that's real. Trust that you know who he really is.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yeah that could be a long time coming! Until such time as he shakes his addictions, there will be nothing sincere there.
Right now it's about the drugs and what others can do for him while he gets high.
About watching his FB etc. Do you find when you do look (and I totally understand why you do) that it hurts you? Makes you feel bad? Anytime I have done this, actually it was only once and it was a non-hostile breakup, I found it almost scary when I realized the other person could still hurt me. I thought, what won't he do? He wasn't actually a very nice person, so I found out and I know he would purposefully say and do things to be mean, so why would I allow that in my life. Once I realized that - I stopped looking. I actually found it scary, that someone I can't trust had any access to me.
He is a threat to you.
Anyway the FB stuff is whatever he chooses to show you, him at the crack house, that's real. Trust that you know who he really is.
Right now it's about the drugs and what others can do for him while he gets high.
About watching his FB etc. Do you find when you do look (and I totally understand why you do) that it hurts you? Makes you feel bad? Anytime I have done this, actually it was only once and it was a non-hostile breakup, I found it almost scary when I realized the other person could still hurt me. I thought, what won't he do? He wasn't actually a very nice person, so I found out and I know he would purposefully say and do things to be mean, so why would I allow that in my life. Once I realized that - I stopped looking. I actually found it scary, that someone I can't trust had any access to me.
He is a threat to you.
Anyway the FB stuff is whatever he chooses to show you, him at the crack house, that's real. Trust that you know who he really is.
I find myself pathetic at times when i do this - it sort of makes me feel like a loser. But tis the weird compulsion and i don't really understand the psychology.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I really think it was more about self protection than any conviction lol
I distinctly remember looking one day and thinking, this is really unpleasant. It was guaranteed to make me not feel good, why am I doing this!
Mine was more of a, what is he up to. I believe he purposefully posted things to make me feel bad. Like when he returned to his home city, he was posting things that I knew to be untrue. Happy, I'm back! etc etc when in fact he was jobless, broke, depressed and living with his father and brother and SIL and they didn't want him there sponging off them (he had been thrown out of his friend's house).
I think it's normal to want to know what happens to the person and what they are up to. Prior to social media we didn't have that option, maybe that was a good thing haha. Funnily, the more I saw his stuff, the weirder I knew he was, weird being the wrong word - unbalanced maybe.
What I do believe is that he posted some things for my benefit, since he didn't even start posting until after we stopped talking to each other. Perhaps that helped me as I knew what he was really up to (unemployed, sponging off his family after being kicked out of his friend's house, pretending that he was an author and was writing a book, which he did self-publish on amazon, it was very lame).
Maybe it's the knowing someone as one person when they are really, perhaps even secretly, another, when the mask falls off. That cognitive dissonance.
Once you accept the he is the kind of creepy guy he is now, you might not need or want to look at what he is doing anymore.
Please never think of yourself as a loser for doing it, it's pretty normal don't you think?
I distinctly remember looking one day and thinking, this is really unpleasant. It was guaranteed to make me not feel good, why am I doing this!
Mine was more of a, what is he up to. I believe he purposefully posted things to make me feel bad. Like when he returned to his home city, he was posting things that I knew to be untrue. Happy, I'm back! etc etc when in fact he was jobless, broke, depressed and living with his father and brother and SIL and they didn't want him there sponging off them (he had been thrown out of his friend's house).
I think it's normal to want to know what happens to the person and what they are up to. Prior to social media we didn't have that option, maybe that was a good thing haha. Funnily, the more I saw his stuff, the weirder I knew he was, weird being the wrong word - unbalanced maybe.
What I do believe is that he posted some things for my benefit, since he didn't even start posting until after we stopped talking to each other. Perhaps that helped me as I knew what he was really up to (unemployed, sponging off his family after being kicked out of his friend's house, pretending that he was an author and was writing a book, which he did self-publish on amazon, it was very lame).
Maybe it's the knowing someone as one person when they are really, perhaps even secretly, another, when the mask falls off. That cognitive dissonance.
Once you accept the he is the kind of creepy guy he is now, you might not need or want to look at what he is doing anymore.
Please never think of yourself as a loser for doing it, it's pretty normal don't you think?
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Cheating seems to go hand in hand with it.you will feel sad. Hurt. Like you want him back. Ofcourse you will wish, (with your whole heart,) the life you believed in hadn't been taken away. But this is the reality. You need to make a plan for your grief. Cry. Therapy. Journal it. Keep busy. But you've got to keep living. You will find a happy life again going forwards. The reality is he's sick and there's nothing in you that caused this. It won't last. He may come back. Life is ever changing.
My new saying now my bf/soon to be ex is back on crack is
I'm my own hero. I live alone with my kids. I work. I buy my own stuff. I dont need him for anything if he wants to choose drugs and women over me then see you later.
You aren't alone I promise. But it'd OK to be sad. You love him. You maybe always will. But you'll loose respect for him and sucks to be him at that point.
Good luck.
My new saying now my bf/soon to be ex is back on crack is
I'm my own hero. I live alone with my kids. I work. I buy my own stuff. I dont need him for anything if he wants to choose drugs and women over me then see you later.
You aren't alone I promise. But it'd OK to be sad. You love him. You maybe always will. But you'll loose respect for him and sucks to be him at that point.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
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Thank you! I totally agree with you. I live alone and take care of myself and my children. I am learning to fill my own cup.
i had a bit of a moment today when I looked at his Facebook and he had made this status update referring to his new girlfriend son as “his” son and how they hung out and had a great day together. It stung. It stung for my own son. But it was just a moment - I felt sad for a minute and let it pass.
I am going to take trailmix advice and stop looking - it hurts too much. And it’s not helping me. I am building a better life for myself and my babies. I won’t lose sight over that over some silly post. Probably lies anyways.
i had a bit of a moment today when I looked at his Facebook and he had made this status update referring to his new girlfriend son as “his” son and how they hung out and had a great day together. It stung. It stung for my own son. But it was just a moment - I felt sad for a minute and let it pass.
I am going to take trailmix advice and stop looking - it hurts too much. And it’s not helping me. I am building a better life for myself and my babies. I won’t lose sight over that over some silly post. Probably lies anyways.
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we close threads at around 500 posts to stop things getting unwieldy.
Join us for part 2 here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html (Lost part 2)
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Join us for part 2 here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html (Lost part 2)
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