Lost2011

Thank you !

this has been really hard to navigate. But I feel like I am doing ok. Which is good enough for now. Maybe one day i will be thriving instead of surviving.

trailmix

It has, but look how far you have come. You will be ok, but time and your effort will fix this!

How are you doing now?

Bookbuff

I am doing ok. Not great but I am surviving. I am still very up and down emotionally. I feel good and then I feel awful. I miss my old life even though it was unhealthy. I am having trouble forging new routines - but I am putting one foot in front of the other. There isn’t much else I can do really.

thanks for checking in - you all have been such a great support.

Hey lost, I know how this goes, good and bad days, there are times i repeat the serenity prayer to myself over and over to get through a day, eventually every storm runs out of rain...right

I have been reading over your posts and I think you are doing great, well done getting away from that crazy situation, really, you deserve so much credit, you and your children deserve a peaceful and safe home. B x

annnnddd now I am crying. Jeez

trailmix

When you think "I miss my old life", what exactly do you miss?

Lost2011

You know I don’t think it’s that I miss it so much but I have struggled with change my whole life and my old life brought comfort and a version of security. I felt I knew where I was going. I don’t feel on solid ground anymore. And I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing as it’s a chance at a new better life but it’s the unknown that is scary and makes me uncomfortable . I feel a sense of relief that it’s over but sadness too. So many conflicting emotions which run the gamut all day long.

I have also been struggling with the am I crazy feeling. I called my sister and asked her if she thought I was “toxic” and personality disordered as I am having trouble seeing this. My reality has been distorted. I think it’s important to self reflect and look at ourselves and I wasn’t sure if maybe I wasn’t seeing myself accurately. She said a narcissist doesn’t ask if they are a narcissist. She said she doesn’t see me as a toxic individual but my relationships are and I would agree with her statement.

I can’t imagine his cocaine use has changed but again am I crazy ? Is he different for her. These thoughts run through my mind still - more often than i would like to admit.

it’s been hard to hear that he has been going around town and blaming the end of the relationship on me - I have not engaged with him in several weeks and I don’t plan to. But it’s hard for me to understand his version of event. I also saw a picture of them on social media on a date looking all happy which served to reinforce my “am I crazy” mentality.

I have been looking into therapist and have been “matched” with one who consequently has the same name as my ex. Which made me laugh.

trailmix

Change is hard for most people. Leaving a relationship can be scary. When I divorced, it was one of my main feelings, fear. I didn't even attach specific "things" to that fear - I just felt fearful and that was hard.

Over time, as I took charge of what I was going to do (get a job, sell my house, get an apartment etc etc) I was ok and the fear disappeared.

Yes, it is very distorting when you are with someone who tells you that you are this or that. That labels you. This is someone you probably loved and trusted at one time. But if nothing it is a lesson. Never let anyone "label" you. You are not fat or thin, mean or nice, kind or unkind, narcissistic or salt of the earth. You just are who you are.

When that path is unclear, consulting someone who you trust, like your Sister, is such a good move. Now you just need to believe what she says.

Leopard's don't change their spots. He is who he is. He hasn't changed, he didn't suddenly have an epiphany and changed from being a self centered, abusive addict in a few weeks. If he has, that would be almost unheard of and a miracle.

You know how hard it is to change, well he's not exactly the poster boy for taking on that challenge. To change yourself is tremendously hard, I mean from your core being.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".

You can't control what he says, never could really. If you look at it, does this sound like the action of someone who has changed in to some nice guy?

Nice guys don't do this. They keep their mouths shut. His version is whatever serves his ego today.

Lost2011

Agreed. I think he also is bad mouthing me because the narrative fits into him being the victim. But honestly the people who know me know it’s bs and I don’t really care what anyone else thinks.

I re started my food subscription box and made a lovely salmon dinner tonight and I feel at peace today. Everyday I feel a little stronger. I still obsess here and there but it’s lessening. Grief is funny that way - like an ocean.

I am trying to find something to be grateful for in each day. This really is a new beginning and I want to live as true to myself as I can. It’s been helpful reconnecting with old d friends. I wasn’t really allowed to socialize before.

you always offer such good insights and advice.

trailmix

This is great! Doing something nice for yourself and being able to cook.

I was thinking about this a few months ago. Some people just can't cook, I mean they are terrible at it (which is nothing bad, it just is). I thought, you know, being able to cook a great thing! It's something you do though and don't really give it much thought.

You have a job that supports your family. You are responsible. I could go on and on but but you know what I mean. These are things that that we tend not to look at as any kind of achievement.

Anyhoo, you are doing well!

Lost2011

I really like to cook and eat good food - it’s my love language. It’s nice to have a nice meal even if it’s by myself!

I am a strong, capable woman. I have been taking care of myself, both financially and mentally, before this man (term I use loosely) came into my life.

I just forgot who I was. Let’s call it temporary insanity. Onward and upward!

Bookbuff

Hey Lost
you sound identical to me, I also picked these loser men who just used me and had major substance and narcisstic issues. They never change.
I had to be the change I wanted to see and I needed to cut this rot out of my life to become healthy again.
I still have my 'what if' and 'i miss him' days but really, taking stock and weighing up the pro's and con's show me I am doing so much better as I am
I also love to cook, read, garden, my pets, taking a step back and going no contact was the best thing I ever did.
I also work hard and have my own home and pay my own bills. It is good you are financially independent.
I know its not easy going it alone, but really looking back you were alone in the relationship anyway, he just brought pain and drama....no good things
keep going as you are, well done, you are doing brilliantly
B x

Lost2011

Going no contact has been amazing! It’s forced me to not obsessively look at Facebook or worry he will text me. Thoughts of him still occupy my head space and I still feel disconnected or distracted. Like it’s hard to watch a movie. But I am doing the things I need to do. Take care of my kids, my dogs, my home and cook. I will get there eventually. I am actually enjoying being alone it’s freeing. I didn’t realize how much I walked on eggshells and how angry I was when he was around.

I am trying to work on incorporating more self care - excercise, have a bath with a bath bomb, listen to music etc. I am also really trying to talk/think more positively- I often feel like I “can’t” do things. But I can and I have been doing it. So I am working on more positive self talk. It’s funny all these people can tell you how wonderful and great you are but if you don’t believe it yourself it doesn’t mean much. I have suffered from really low self worth. Probably why I picked these abusive men and then wrapped myself in caring for them. But I was getting hurt in the end. I think it better to be alone than not valued or living a life that you aren’t proud of. I wasn’t proud of the drug use and the biker lifestyle and it wasn’t how I wanted to bring my children up. Now I can raise them the way I see fit in a loving supportive environment. It was me and them long before rick and we will continue paving our way.

this being said I am still struggling but the fog is lifting. I have been so grateful to you all for your advice and insights. It’s really helped.

venuscat

Oh my gosh, love, this is wonderful to hear. s ❤️

Bookbuff

Lost,
you have come so far in your journey already, and its amazing to hear how well you are doing, my concentration was so bad after the split too, that mind focus will come back, your poor brain is coping with a lot right now, things will get the tinest bit better day by day, so small you won't notice until after a few more weeks you see new changes in yourself.
For sure, the lifestyle they live is not for you, but you would have been dragged into it and they will not change, as trailmix said 'leopards don't change their spots'. That life is not for you or your children, you deserve so much credit for making this break. Really the decision to finish it and the initial turmoil is the hardest part and the few weeks after. Then you get some clarity, which you have.
Now is time for you to figure out where you are going and what you want in your life, when you are entangled with an addict in a relationship you are indeed walking on eggshells and live day to day. I understand. You cannot plan a future with an addict, the situation is too unstable.
Also his relationship will only ever be with the cocaine, she is the real mistress here, everyone else is in the rearview

B x

Lost2011

So guess whose flavour of the month dumped him and has come crawling back.

Laying on the guilt and manipulation real thick. Asking if we can go to counseling and such. Threatening to harm himself or move out of province. It’s like when telling me he made a mistake didn’t work the self harm and leaving threats started.

too be honest it was easier when he was shacked up with his new lady. He is acting like I am b itch cause I won’t just accept his “sorry” and let him move back in.

trailmix

Well that didn't last long.

He cheats on you, leaves, pretends to be so happy and when she's had enough he shows up at your door.

This is him.

How on earth could he lay on any guilt when you effectively did nothing wrong! He walked out the door. "Oh my girlfriend dumped me, can we go to counselling"?

So how did you respond?

Bookbuff

Hey Lost
Are you holding out ok
B x

Lost2011

I am ok. It’s messing with my head a bit though I was in a place where I was doing pretty good and this feels like a set back.

I basically told him that what he did was unforgivable. He said it was a “mistake” a mistake is forgetting to take the garbage out. He was trying to guilt me by saying I have given other men in past relationships a second chance but he is not good enough and he is just worth S hit. And then he sort of got angry and wanted to point the finger at me saying we don’t want to talk about what cause him to do this (insinuating my behaviour). Like seriously?

it’s tough because I do care about him despite all of this. But I feel like you made your bed and now you must lay in it. What does a relationship look like - I would always be thinking about this. And to boot it wasn’t just the cheating (which btw he is also denying claiming he met her after he left - like ok there ) there is the drugs the biker life the emotional abuse. I am not going back to that. I would rather be alone - I feel like I am doing good and making progress in my self.

Bookbuff

I understand Lost, ive been there, once the trust is gone its probably never coming back and the emotional blackmail is awful but you do not deserve to be second best and to cocaine and his lifestyle thats all you will ever be. Plus you can be sure she will still be in contact with him again, that sadly will happen.
I wish i could have all the answers, but you do have to have your boundaries, and once they are crossed there really is no going back, its just putting off the inevitable, that was my experience with my the addicts in my two relationships anyway.
B x

Lost2011

I agree. Once there is no trust what do you have ? Getting back together would only prolong the inevitable.

I feel like if someone was serious about working things out they would get into treatment and work on themselves. He just wants me to forgive him and act like nothing happened. My self respect is stronger than my feelings right now. Plus I have kids to think about and how this effects them.

trailmix

Yes, you're absolutely right.

IF he were serious (and he so very much is not) he would be apologizing, not asking to come back, getting in to treatment and maybe keeping in touch periodically while he gets himself straight and THEN, if you were even still interested, asking for a second chance.

None of that is happening.

He just wants somewhere to live.

And how dare he do all he has done and then come back and throw abuse your way!!

I am sorry this all happened but I am glad you were able to get him out of your life for a while so you could start to heal and realize that you are so much more valuable than to waste your time with him.

Yes, emotionally it can be a set back, but you are stronger now against this manipulation and this set back probably won't last long, in fact you are already bouncing back. The more you become "yourself" the stronger you are and people like him will know that you don't put up with that in your life.