Lost
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There is a forum here at SR where funny little things are posted, when you mentioned turning the clocks back it reminded me of this, which made me laugh:
If you are ever looking for a bit of cheering up, that forum is here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-36-a-11.html
Originally Posted by Alpine 
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Originally Posted by Lost2011
Well that’s just it. If he was really interested in repairing things he would go to treatment and get help. Instead of just finding someone else.
he is basically denying that he left me for another woman and saying that he left cause I don’t respect him and that she happened after. And now he has someone else. I am just a vessel to use when needed.
I guess I am just hurting. I just need to let go of the fantasy of who I thought he was and what I wanted. We set the clocks back an hour and the dark days just have me down and out.
he is basically denying that he left me for another woman and saying that he left cause I don’t respect him and that she happened after. And now he has someone else. I am just a vessel to use when needed.
I guess I am just hurting. I just need to let go of the fantasy of who I thought he was and what I wanted. We set the clocks back an hour and the dark days just have me down and out.
He has been gaslighting you, no doubt for years. You know what you know, you're not stupid or fooled. When you live with someone who is constantly telling you that your reality is not right or not true, what does that do to you? It makes you question yourself. He has his own version of "reality" in that world that he lives in, that does not mesh with your real world or your judgement/thoughts.
Always remember who the messenger is. Do you believe yourself or the drug addict? Do you believe yourself, that actually gives a damn about your wellbeing, or the person who is only looking out for himself?
Always, you, always! You were vulnerable to him, as your partner, the most important thing right now is to not let yourself be vulnerable to him.
You know how people are always saying this person is "toxic" or it's a "toxic" relationship (I actually dislike that description because it is so wholly overused). Anyway, he's like poison to you. He poisoned you and you were in withdrawal from that poison, starting to feel a bit better, just a bit, but definitely on the road to better days, then he came back and poisoned you again.
He will never see himself as the instigator here, he will always blame you (maybe if he was sober with a few years of recovery under his belt he might, but absolutely not now).
We had this conversation over text and he said all these things about me like that he only left cause i disrespected him constantly.
That can actually be another tool. If he emails or texts, read it for what it is, quacking. You can even picture a duck.
And no, I'm not a therapist, these are just things I have done or have witnessed that helped : )
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Well you are very good at advice, and it does not come off as condescending. Which is refreshing.
Its funny - i wanted him to beg for me back and now that I have it - I am not sure i want it.
I have definitely been gaslit - i can even see it now when he tries to manipulate me. So i do feel stronger in that way. I also dont want the relationship that we had back - it was terrible. If there was nay hope in hell for a reconciliation (i dont really think its fixable at this point - clena or not) but he would need to be in treatment and counselling / and i know he wont put in the work - he just wants his old life back.
i would be lying if i said I said i dint fantasize about him going to get treatment and being a better man. I just don't think that will happen.
I am also struggling with whether i not i actually think he is a good person even deep down. I told him i felt used by him and questioned whether he loved me at all.
I feel like i am all over the place to be honest.
Its funny - i wanted him to beg for me back and now that I have it - I am not sure i want it.
I have definitely been gaslit - i can even see it now when he tries to manipulate me. So i do feel stronger in that way. I also dont want the relationship that we had back - it was terrible. If there was nay hope in hell for a reconciliation (i dont really think its fixable at this point - clena or not) but he would need to be in treatment and counselling / and i know he wont put in the work - he just wants his old life back.
i would be lying if i said I said i dint fantasize about him going to get treatment and being a better man. I just don't think that will happen.
I am also struggling with whether i not i actually think he is a good person even deep down. I told him i felt used by him and questioned whether he loved me at all.
I feel like i am all over the place to be honest.
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I think that's really normal when someone changes (him).
That relationship I refer to, where the guy turned out to be two different (at least) versions of himself. I did invite him back. He did come back and lived with me at my house for, I think it was about 5 weeks? I finally said, I think it's better if you leave because he was - well a different version. So a few days later he did.
He still had moments of the "other person" he started out as, but aside from that - he was just odd and annoying. Now that is a personality disorder, but I see similarities with someone deep in to addiction.
Now was he a good person deep down? I never pondered that, I never considered it actually. Because he is who he was to me, that's it - that's him. Now, whether he could pull up his boot straps, go to therapy daily for 10 years and maybe salvage some kind of deep down good guy - who knows? I never considered that either because I really believe you have to take people as they come.
That kind of thing is key in this kind of situation I think. Accept people as they are. We don't have to like it, approve of it or anything else and we can choose not to be around them, but just accept them as they are.
Until you accept him just as he is (no matter exactly where he is living) you won't find any peace.
That's on your timetable though, that's a reconciliation you will come to eventually, or not. I see it as a choice, you get to choose how you see him and what that means. Or in fact you can just choose how you see him and the rest will naturally follow.
That relationship I refer to, where the guy turned out to be two different (at least) versions of himself. I did invite him back. He did come back and lived with me at my house for, I think it was about 5 weeks? I finally said, I think it's better if you leave because he was - well a different version. So a few days later he did.
He still had moments of the "other person" he started out as, but aside from that - he was just odd and annoying. Now that is a personality disorder, but I see similarities with someone deep in to addiction.
Now was he a good person deep down? I never pondered that, I never considered it actually. Because he is who he was to me, that's it - that's him. Now, whether he could pull up his boot straps, go to therapy daily for 10 years and maybe salvage some kind of deep down good guy - who knows? I never considered that either because I really believe you have to take people as they come.
That kind of thing is key in this kind of situation I think. Accept people as they are. We don't have to like it, approve of it or anything else and we can choose not to be around them, but just accept them as they are.
Until you accept him just as he is (no matter exactly where he is living) you won't find any peace.
That's on your timetable though, that's a reconciliation you will come to eventually, or not. I see it as a choice, you get to choose how you see him and what that means. Or in fact you can just choose how you see him and the rest will naturally follow.
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Originally Posted by Lost2011
I have definitely been gaslit - i can even see it now when he tries to manipulate me. So i do feel stronger in that way. I also dont want the relationship that we had back - it was terrible. If there was nay hope in hell for a reconciliation (i dont really think its fixable at this point - clena or not) but he would need to be in treatment and counselling / and i know he wont put in the work - he just wants his old life back..
I can't imagine how this could be fixed honestly, the gaslighting, the lying, the drug use, the living with another woman. One of those things would be hard to repair in a relationship, all of them just seems like a mountain of issues. Plus all of them have a trust component that has been broken.
And he has no interest in doing that kind of emotional work.
Sheesh!
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Exactly. The fact that he is already entertaining another woman as a back up plan is gross.
If he was interested in really repairing things that’s not what you do.
I can’t see being able to get over all these issues either. Sad but I am not going to set myself on fire to keep him warm.
If he was interested in really repairing things that’s not what you do.
I can’t see being able to get over all these issues either. Sad but I am not going to set myself on fire to keep him warm.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think that's really normal when someone changes (him).
That relationship I refer to, where the guy turned out to be two different (at least) versions of himself. I did invite him back. He did come back and lived with me at my house for, I think it was about 5 weeks? I finally said, I think it's better if you leave because he was - well a different version. So a few days later he did.
He still had moments of the "other person" he started out as, but aside from that - he was just odd and annoying. Now that is a personality disorder, but I see similarities with someone deep in to addiction.
Now was he a good person deep down? I never pondered that, I never considered it actually. Because he is who he was to me, that's it - that's him. Now, whether he could pull up his boot straps, go to therapy daily for 10 years and maybe salvage some kind of deep down good guy - who knows? I never considered that either because I really believe you have to take people as they come.
That kind of thing is key in this kind of situation I think. Accept people as they are. We don't have to like it, approve of it or anything else and we can choose not to be around them, but just accept them as they are.
Until you accept him just as he is (no matter exactly where he is living) you won't find any peace.
That's on your timetable though, that's a reconciliation you will come to eventually, or not. I see it as a choice, you get to choose how you see him and what that means. Or in fact you can just choose how you see him and the rest will naturally follow.
That relationship I refer to, where the guy turned out to be two different (at least) versions of himself. I did invite him back. He did come back and lived with me at my house for, I think it was about 5 weeks? I finally said, I think it's better if you leave because he was - well a different version. So a few days later he did.
He still had moments of the "other person" he started out as, but aside from that - he was just odd and annoying. Now that is a personality disorder, but I see similarities with someone deep in to addiction.
Now was he a good person deep down? I never pondered that, I never considered it actually. Because he is who he was to me, that's it - that's him. Now, whether he could pull up his boot straps, go to therapy daily for 10 years and maybe salvage some kind of deep down good guy - who knows? I never considered that either because I really believe you have to take people as they come.
That kind of thing is key in this kind of situation I think. Accept people as they are. We don't have to like it, approve of it or anything else and we can choose not to be around them, but just accept them as they are.
Until you accept him just as he is (no matter exactly where he is living) you won't find any peace.
That's on your timetable though, that's a reconciliation you will come to eventually, or not. I see it as a choice, you get to choose how you see him and what that means. Or in fact you can just choose how you see him and the rest will naturally follow.
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I like this speaker (psychologist) who does Tedtalks, you might find this one interesting.
https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...rt?language=en
https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...rt?language=en
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Well the Ted talk was pretty spot on. I definitely get stuck in the idealization phase. Plus I like the imagery of being addicted and looking at the social media to get your fix or driving by their house. Again pretty accurate. I am going to stop these things - it’s just prolonging the agony.
I am pretty proud of myself he texted me yesterday about how he couldn’t get his truck running and won’t be able to work etc. Normally I would have fixed this for him and gave hime money or whatever. But all I said sorry you are having a tough time. This is not my problem to fix and he is the author of his one destructions. Anyways pretty proud of myself.
Small victories. Though the empath in me does feel bad for him.
I am pretty proud of myself he texted me yesterday about how he couldn’t get his truck running and won’t be able to work etc. Normally I would have fixed this for him and gave hime money or whatever. But all I said sorry you are having a tough time. This is not my problem to fix and he is the author of his one destructions. Anyways pretty proud of myself.
Small victories. Though the empath in me does feel bad for him.
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That is a victory. As long as you keep doing the next right thing for yourself, it will get better and better.
I think it's ok to feel a bit sorry for him, as long as it doesn't make you feel awful? Feelings of empathy can be turned off, or toned down. It's something that has to be practiced though, but maybe you already have enough on your plate.
Feelings are just - feelings. They don't have to make you do anything, you can just sit with them, as uncomfortable as they are and they will pass. Things will get resolved.
Can't he call his dealer, the other woman, his "friends" to help. Hmm no, he has burned every bridge.
If nothing else, even when you don't feel like you want to keep him away (fantasizing) remember you are actually doing something good for him, not bad. Possibly for his entire life someone has been bailing him out of situations he gets himself in to. Where is his money from work before yesterday? Why doesn't he have any money? Not your problem, his to fix and he should.
I think it's ok to feel a bit sorry for him, as long as it doesn't make you feel awful? Feelings of empathy can be turned off, or toned down. It's something that has to be practiced though, but maybe you already have enough on your plate.
Feelings are just - feelings. They don't have to make you do anything, you can just sit with them, as uncomfortable as they are and they will pass. Things will get resolved.
Can't he call his dealer, the other woman, his "friends" to help. Hmm no, he has burned every bridge.
If nothing else, even when you don't feel like you want to keep him away (fantasizing) remember you are actually doing something good for him, not bad. Possibly for his entire life someone has been bailing him out of situations he gets himself in to. Where is his money from work before yesterday? Why doesn't he have any money? Not your problem, his to fix and he should.
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I am no longer going to enable his lifestyle by bailing him out. He has to stand on the choices and decisions he has made.
it is so dark and dreary here - it’s really affecting my mood to be honest. I feel depressed. I am trying to put on a happy face for my children but it’s a struggle.
it is so dark and dreary here - it’s really affecting my mood to be honest. I feel depressed. I am trying to put on a happy face for my children but it’s a struggle.
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Yes, winter is so blah sometimes! I keep my curtains/blinds closed usually, turn on some lamps, maybe some cheerful lighting would help? I bought a little humidifier from amazon, it changes colours, very subtle, I only use water in it, but it looks cheerful and you can set it on one colour if you like.
Yes pretending to be happy is hard!! The more you work through this stuff, the better you will feel. I knew it was discussed before, but honestly, there is situational depression and there is help if you go see your doctor, so maybe that's an avenue to explore at this point?
Yes pretending to be happy is hard!! The more you work through this stuff, the better you will feel. I knew it was discussed before, but honestly, there is situational depression and there is help if you go see your doctor, so maybe that's an avenue to explore at this point?
s ❤️
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So now, after all you know, how are you feeling overall?
From what you have said, you realize you don't want him back that he is in fact poison to you and your family.
Is it time to make plans for moving forward? If you rent, is it time to move, so you don't have those memories? If that's too drastic, how about a refresh at home? Painting can work out a lot of frustration lol - although it can also be very frustrating.
I tend to just throw out things that don't have good memories attached to them, however, since you were married for a few years, that might be a bit much!
If you are depressed, if you have experienced that before (I think you said you might have?), then you know trying to fight that without help, with the same brain that is already depressed can really be an uphill battle.
From what you have said, you realize you don't want him back that he is in fact poison to you and your family.
Is it time to make plans for moving forward? If you rent, is it time to move, so you don't have those memories? If that's too drastic, how about a refresh at home? Painting can work out a lot of frustration lol - although it can also be very frustrating.
I tend to just throw out things that don't have good memories attached to them, however, since you were married for a few years, that might be a bit much!
If you are depressed, if you have experienced that before (I think you said you might have?), then you know trying to fight that without help, with the same brain that is already depressed can really be an uphill battle.
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