Lost
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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It does get easier (changing your thought patterns). Practice always make things easier.
Just as it's now easy to question, was it my fault it will easy to believe that it doesn't even matter really, the addiction has consumed your relationship. You are in fact doing better every day, even if that's managing to do simple things like shower or making dinner.
You can start saying nice things to yourself and frankly, believing them. Your thought patterns have worn a groove in self depreciating comments to yourself that just aren't true or at least not 99 percent of them. Speak to yourself like you would to someone else.
Just as it's now easy to question, was it my fault it will easy to believe that it doesn't even matter really, the addiction has consumed your relationship. You are in fact doing better every day, even if that's managing to do simple things like shower or making dinner.
You can start saying nice things to yourself and frankly, believing them. Your thought patterns have worn a groove in self depreciating comments to yourself that just aren't true or at least not 99 percent of them. Speak to yourself like you would to someone else.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
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I am trying. Right now I have made a list of all the abusive and cruel behaviours to refer to when I miss him. As i was going through it - it made me feel better. I have to keep remembering the reality of what it was and not the fantasy. There was even things I forgot he had done. Things to me and the kids. I am kind of disappointed with myself that let it go on as long as I did.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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Even if he is not a clinically diagnosed narcissist, addiction makes people into narcissists. So basically, yes. Especially while he is actively using, or even while sober (but not working on recovery, in meetings, with therapy, etc) he’s going to act like and think like a narcissist.
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I feel used and discarded. I know I have to let it go. I keep reminding myself of all the ****** behaviours and how unhappy i was. The part of my brain keeps telling myself maybe it was me that caused him to be so unhappy and I keep trying to reframe this thought but it’s hard. He seems so unbothered when he text me - just wants his stuff. Offered to fix the roof but I decline I don’t want him around. I told him locks were changed and I would put his remaining items in the garage. End of story.
t his is what 5 years of marriage has come to. It’s breaks my heart.
t his is what 5 years of marriage has come to. It’s breaks my heart.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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No doubt you did make him unhappy, but not because of yourself, personally, but because you didn't want to hop on the cocaine crazy train.
Is that a bad thing? That a person doesn't want to be around you because you can't get on board with their drug use? I don't think so. You might want to have a look at this post:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
Is that a bad thing? That a person doesn't want to be around you because you can't get on board with their drug use? I don't think so. You might want to have a look at this post:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
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We were both unhappy for different reasons I guess. It wasn’t normal and I have to face that. I read that thread. It was helpful - different way to look at things.
I Just have to keep reminding myself of these things. No more romanticizing things were normal.
I was driving to work and this memory conjured up about how he tried to convince me he had killed people for his “biker” life. And I couldn’t participate in the conversation cause it was utterly ridiculous and frankly embarrassing. I keep trying to remember these things. He think his dealer is the biker king pin and that they are a legit motorcycle gang. Like it got so weird.
he kept saying these weird things about being an enforcer. And I knew it was utter lies or delusions. It was hard to listen to. I think his new lady friend is indulging in this behaviour.
like I can even explain how bizarre it got. Again not sure if it was delusions or what. He seemed lucid.
I Just have to keep reminding myself of these things. No more romanticizing things were normal.
I was driving to work and this memory conjured up about how he tried to convince me he had killed people for his “biker” life. And I couldn’t participate in the conversation cause it was utterly ridiculous and frankly embarrassing. I keep trying to remember these things. He think his dealer is the biker king pin and that they are a legit motorcycle gang. Like it got so weird.
he kept saying these weird things about being an enforcer. And I knew it was utter lies or delusions. It was hard to listen to. I think his new lady friend is indulging in this behaviour.
like I can even explain how bizarre it got. Again not sure if it was delusions or what. He seemed lucid.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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He's not lucid. He sounds mentally ill. This may be something that has always been lurking (maybe why he started drugging) or it can be brought on by drug use.
If all else fails right now and you can't bring yourself to be relieved his is out of your house, remember, a man who is mentally ill and a drug user and carries a weapon should never, ever be near children (or adults really). But if you can't justify the ending of the relationship for yourself, just know it is protecting your children.
Imagine if one of your children told you about someone they were involved with that fit the description of your ex, what would your reaction be?
If all else fails right now and you can't bring yourself to be relieved his is out of your house, remember, a man who is mentally ill and a drug user and carries a weapon should never, ever be near children (or adults really). But if you can't justify the ending of the relationship for yourself, just know it is protecting your children.
Imagine if one of your children told you about someone they were involved with that fit the description of your ex, what would your reaction be?
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I know I would tell them to leave them. And you are correct about children and safety. I don’t feel like I have been a protective enough mother.
i don’t know if he is mentally ill. The biker delusions were weird. It doesn’t matter now I guess. He is gone.
i don’t know if he is mentally ill. The biker delusions were weird. It doesn’t matter now I guess. He is gone.
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I was living in utter madness. I am starting to see this. Between the emotional abuse, gaslighting, drugs and delusions.
it was not normal by any stretch of the iimagination. My children deserve better. I deserve better.
it was not normal by any stretch of the iimagination. My children deserve better. I deserve better.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes you do deserve SO much better than this.
Just as addiction is progressive, so is that madness that ensues. It doesn't start out so awfully bad, maybe, but little by little it progresses. A person keeps hoping that the other person will either get sober or will at least go back to being nice and "normal" some of the time. That's not what happens, it gets worse and worse. But the hoping continues.
Before you know it, you are in that madness. Addiction is a family situation, not just the addicts situation.
Just as addiction is progressive, so is that madness that ensues. It doesn't start out so awfully bad, maybe, but little by little it progresses. A person keeps hoping that the other person will either get sober or will at least go back to being nice and "normal" some of the time. That's not what happens, it gets worse and worse. But the hoping continues.
Before you know it, you are in that madness. Addiction is a family situation, not just the addicts situation.
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Yes the hoping continues. Things were on a downward spiral and there is still a part of me that has hope. But I can’t wait or live like this any longer. And my heart knows he wants this lifestyle and that it’s a losing battle for me. Maybe one day he will come to his senses but I won’t be there. I hope that for him he can get his act together and be the man he once was. It’s really sad to watch and I am glad I don’t have to anymore. I am going to choose myself and my children which is what I should have done a long time ago.
when I was driving home from work today I saw him and his biker friends at the dealer house. Made me sad but I kept driving.
I feel like he has made me the enemy and vilified me. It’s like he has forgotten who I am as well. It’s so weird. I
when I was driving home from work today I saw him and his biker friends at the dealer house. Made me sad but I kept driving.
I feel like he has made me the enemy and vilified me. It’s like he has forgotten who I am as well. It’s so weird. I
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Addiction also requires denial.
Do you think he is capable, at this point, of thinking or saying - Well you know Lost is really a great woman and Mother and I treated her so badly. Really it's me and my drugs, since I'm an addict and can't stop using, it's not her fault.
No.
Someone has to take the blame, why not you? His mixed up addicted brain doesn't care, if it wasn't you it would be his Mother or his Brother or the guy next door that makes too much noise and keeps him up late or his job which has him stressed.
Can't be him to blame!
Do you think he is capable, at this point, of thinking or saying - Well you know Lost is really a great woman and Mother and I treated her so badly. Really it's me and my drugs, since I'm an addict and can't stop using, it's not her fault.
No.
Someone has to take the blame, why not you? His mixed up addicted brain doesn't care, if it wasn't you it would be his Mother or his Brother or the guy next door that makes too much noise and keeps him up late or his job which has him stressed.
Can't be him to blame!
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Agreed. In hindsight there was a pattern of this denial. When he spoke of exes or jobs he quit - he was never at fault. It was someone else’s problem.
That’s not to say that I had no part the dysfunction but I can honestly say that I loved him and tried to be the best wife I could under the circumstances.
I know I shouldn’t care and in time I likely won’t but I want him to feel the pain of his decisions. I hope this relationship crashed and burns and he is homeless. Really feel the effects of his lifestyle.
That’s not to say that I had no part the dysfunction but I can honestly say that I loved him and tried to be the best wife I could under the circumstances.
I know I shouldn’t care and in time I likely won’t but I want him to feel the pain of his decisions. I hope this relationship crashed and burns and he is homeless. Really feel the effects of his lifestyle.
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I didn’t have the best sleep. I am finding evening hard - I feel at loose ends and my mind turns to the situation. I am trying to focus on my children, work and family but when I am alone my mind goes into overdrive.
I guess just time will help this but it is so difficult.
I guess just time will help this but it is so difficult.
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This sounds super weird, but in yoga, the last pose, Savasna, Corpse Pose, is essentially practicing death before rebirth. We often forget to talk about how before you are reborn, before you evolve, you die. The dying is often painful. Ease during the process often takes practice!
Caterpillars become goo first BEFORE they become a butterfly. The Phoenix lights herself on fire (voluntarily!) and burns to ash before she rises again from the ashes. Yes, this part is hard, and the only way out is through. If it helps, maybe look for the ease where you can find it. Follow the feeling of gentleness wherever it can be found (a walk, a favorite food, a good movie with kids, a deep breath, etc).
I had to remind myself a LOT that I was not being killed, I was being reborn. I did want to be reborn stronger and happier than ever, so thinking about what was waiting on the other side helped me get through this part.
Caterpillars become goo first BEFORE they become a butterfly. The Phoenix lights herself on fire (voluntarily!) and burns to ash before she rises again from the ashes. Yes, this part is hard, and the only way out is through. If it helps, maybe look for the ease where you can find it. Follow the feeling of gentleness wherever it can be found (a walk, a favorite food, a good movie with kids, a deep breath, etc).
I had to remind myself a LOT that I was not being killed, I was being reborn. I did want to be reborn stronger and happier than ever, so thinking about what was waiting on the other side helped me get through this part.
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Also, neuroscience has found the human brain very impressionable and adaptable. If we hear something enough times, we start to believe it’s true (whether it is not). At worst, makes us manipulatable, at best makes us resilient.
I recommend using that to your advantage. If you tell yourself repeatedly how hard this is, it convinces your brain to see everything that way. If you keep telling yourself “I am dealing with this extremely hard thing so well,” or “it’s getting a little better everyday” and repeat it enough times, your brain will start to believe that more instead.
I recommend using that to your advantage. If you tell yourself repeatedly how hard this is, it convinces your brain to see everything that way. If you keep telling yourself “I am dealing with this extremely hard thing so well,” or “it’s getting a little better everyday” and repeat it enough times, your brain will start to believe that more instead.
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I am trying so hard. I feel overwhelmed and so profoundly hurt. I feel like one minute I am ok and the next I am crying.
I keep trying to think of all the bad stuff - there wasn’t a lot of good at the end. But my damn brain keeps wanting the fantasy.
I also keep thinking about him and his new girlfriend. I know I need to let it go but i just can’t seem to.
you guys seem like you have it so together and are so rational. I feel crazy and hurt and irrational.
I keep trying to think of all the bad stuff - there wasn’t a lot of good at the end. But my damn brain keeps wanting the fantasy.
I also keep thinking about him and his new girlfriend. I know I need to let it go but i just can’t seem to.
you guys seem like you have it so together and are so rational. I feel crazy and hurt and irrational.
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I have felt crazy and hurt and irrational and wondered how I could even deal with those feelings. Where do I put them? How do I cope? Can I cope?
Well I could and I did, obviously, but it took a few weeks to get on some kind of firm footing. Even then I was always questioning myself, my judgement, but I got through that too (by talking it out with someone).
I knew what was bad for me (ruminating and doubting myself), I knew what was better for me, getting sleep, distracting myself sometimes, looking at the hard truth of the situation, but not all the time, just when I felt stronger.
So I think the most important question now is asking yourself what you are doing for yourself. Have you been to see the doctor? If you're not sleeping well, that hugely compounds the problem, so hard to be rational when you are tired, maybe the dr can give you temporary help with that too.
The new girlfriend is really an aside to all this you know, she doesn't know you and she's not even worth spending a moment of your time thinking about (it helps to tell yourself that). She's not the problem, she is a symptom of HIS problem, just like being a jerk, or out of it, or mean or abusive, just a symptom. He doesn't have any kind of real relationship with her, he is incapable of that.
Of course your brain wants the fantasy, you have been living that for a few years now, you won't break that thought pattern overnight. Challenge your thinking. When you think, if he really ever loved me he would be here - answer yourself - he is incapable of love now.
Things like that. You know your thinking patterns are in grief mode and a bit off right now, don't let them go unchallenged.
Things will get better, you will have other relationships, there are much better men out there. You do realize you could go to the mall right now and pick up a guy and he would treat you better than your ex did? I do not recommend this lol
Well I could and I did, obviously, but it took a few weeks to get on some kind of firm footing. Even then I was always questioning myself, my judgement, but I got through that too (by talking it out with someone).
I knew what was bad for me (ruminating and doubting myself), I knew what was better for me, getting sleep, distracting myself sometimes, looking at the hard truth of the situation, but not all the time, just when I felt stronger.
So I think the most important question now is asking yourself what you are doing for yourself. Have you been to see the doctor? If you're not sleeping well, that hugely compounds the problem, so hard to be rational when you are tired, maybe the dr can give you temporary help with that too.
The new girlfriend is really an aside to all this you know, she doesn't know you and she's not even worth spending a moment of your time thinking about (it helps to tell yourself that). She's not the problem, she is a symptom of HIS problem, just like being a jerk, or out of it, or mean or abusive, just a symptom. He doesn't have any kind of real relationship with her, he is incapable of that.
Of course your brain wants the fantasy, you have been living that for a few years now, you won't break that thought pattern overnight. Challenge your thinking. When you think, if he really ever loved me he would be here - answer yourself - he is incapable of love now.
Things like that. You know your thinking patterns are in grief mode and a bit off right now, don't let them go unchallenged.
Things will get better, you will have other relationships, there are much better men out there. You do realize you could go to the mall right now and pick up a guy and he would treat you better than your ex did? I do not recommend this lol
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