Lost
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I never liked that post. It upsets me. And none of that was EVER true for me.
What WAS true was the ability to manipulate, and that is what addicts do, because we are self-serving, and our needs come first. That doesn't make us sociopaths though—that part really bothers me.
It's pretty simple—this is not a good guy. This is not someone you need to be crying over; in fact, you should count your lucky stars that you got him out of your house. Really.
What WAS true was the ability to manipulate, and that is what addicts do, because we are self-serving, and our needs come first. That doesn't make us sociopaths though—that part really bothers me.
It's pretty simple—this is not a good guy. This is not someone you need to be crying over; in fact, you should count your lucky stars that you got him out of your house. Really.
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Originally Posted by Lost2011 
I feel alone and like no one understands the depth of my grief right now. They all want me to rejoice that he is gone but I am broken by it.
Are you drinking today love, because this is not making sense.
The guy lay on the couch doing coke all day, lost his job, left you to hook up with another woman, and now she has thrown him out—what a prize.
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Which is what counsellors are there for, dear Lost. 
s
Please let someone help you through this. xxx
And, actually, I did have a breakdown when my BF ghosted me in 2015.
I was a wreck for a couple of months, until my sister told me to get it together in no uncertain terms.
And she was right—even though she was harsh.
First he abandoned me, and then I was allowing him to destroy me....just no.
So I took back my power, and went on with my life.
sPlease let someone help you through this. xxx
And, actually, I did have a breakdown when my BF ghosted me in 2015.
I was a wreck for a couple of months, until my sister told me to get it together in no uncertain terms.
And she was right—even though she was harsh.
First he abandoned me, and then I was allowing him to destroy me....just no.
So I took back my power, and went on with my life.
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Well, if your family and friends are rejoicing, it's understandable. Maybe not emotionally understandable to you right now, but logically maybe. However, you have to take time to let emotions settle.
Like if you get angry about something, I mean really angry, you can feel like - ok where do I put this anger!! Maybe you go for a walk, maybe you vacuum. Eventually it dissipates, eventually you get calm, eventually you are back to normal.
This is the same kind of thing only on a much bigger scale. Eventually you will feel calm and ok, but you have to work at it, you have to have no-nonsense discussions with yourself. That doesn't mean calling yourself stupid btw! You made a mistake, are you unable to forgive yourself for a mistake? Would you forgive your Sister or friend for the same mistake? No doubt! But for you, you are harder on yourself and I guarantee that is not doing you any good at all. It won't make you wiser, won't make you feel any better now and it won't help you to heal.
So therapy, a good therapist will be able to give you tools to help you work through this, will enable you to talk about the reasons why you feel the way you do and how to work through that. Sometimes we have to make a decision to just do that - go there, heck just sit there for an hour if you can't bring yourself to say much. Therapy can be expensive if you don't have coverage, an alternate route would be in person Al Anon or a grief support group. Again, you don't have to talk much to start, just being around people who understand helps (like in this forum).
Like if you get angry about something, I mean really angry, you can feel like - ok where do I put this anger!! Maybe you go for a walk, maybe you vacuum. Eventually it dissipates, eventually you get calm, eventually you are back to normal.
This is the same kind of thing only on a much bigger scale. Eventually you will feel calm and ok, but you have to work at it, you have to have no-nonsense discussions with yourself. That doesn't mean calling yourself stupid btw! You made a mistake, are you unable to forgive yourself for a mistake? Would you forgive your Sister or friend for the same mistake? No doubt! But for you, you are harder on yourself and I guarantee that is not doing you any good at all. It won't make you wiser, won't make you feel any better now and it won't help you to heal.
So therapy, a good therapist will be able to give you tools to help you work through this, will enable you to talk about the reasons why you feel the way you do and how to work through that. Sometimes we have to make a decision to just do that - go there, heck just sit there for an hour if you can't bring yourself to say much. Therapy can be expensive if you don't have coverage, an alternate route would be in person Al Anon or a grief support group. Again, you don't have to talk much to start, just being around people who understand helps (like in this forum).
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Originally Posted by venuscat
I never liked that post. It upsets me. And none of that was EVER true for me.
That said, I didn't mean imply this applies to all addicts everywhere, I don't use that post often, except when I think it applies and in this case, I think it's pretty spot on.
Don't mean to hijack your thread Lost - Onward!
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But it isn't spot on—it is one person's story.
"My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you."
I know hundreds of recovering alcoholics on SR who would take issue with that.
We were sick, not bad....I never lost my empathy, and I sure never cheated on anyone. Or did anything terrible to another person.
"My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you."
I know hundreds of recovering alcoholics on SR who would take issue with that.
We were sick, not bad....I never lost my empathy, and I sure never cheated on anyone. Or did anything terrible to another person.
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I only meant in this instance, not in general, that it is spot on, as I mentioned above. All addicts are not the same, they aren't robots, they are humans, just like the rest of us, with individual personalities. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I was just posting it for Lost, in relation to her circumstance.
But I do feel wrong hijacking Lost's thread, I just didn't want you to take my comments as they were not intended.
But I do feel wrong hijacking Lost's thread, I just didn't want you to take my comments as they were not intended.
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Thank you, really.
But it sounds like you think that if this guy gets sober, he is miraculously going to become a good person.
Bad people are bad people—and when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
(And I don't think anyone is hijacking the thread....all of this is relevant, and we have years of experience in this area....discussion is good. xxx)
But it sounds like you think that if this guy gets sober, he is miraculously going to become a good person.
Bad people are bad people—and when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
(And I don't think anyone is hijacking the thread....all of this is relevant, and we have years of experience in this area....discussion is good. xxx)
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Originally Posted by Lost2011
I feel like I am having a mental breakdown.
If you are angry, beat up a pillow! Drive out to the woods and scream! Whatever helps.
By the way, how did you find out this information on the ex? Facebook or did a "friend" let you know?
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I just have a feeling I don’t know it for sure. I hate to admit this but I drive by where he has been staying (I know big no no) and his bike wasn’t there last night. And he had been texting/emailing ne asking for me back and apologizing but that has stopped. Which is basically the biggest tell.
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Yes, you could be right. He needs a place to stay and someone to feed him, he may have found that.
Driving by anywhere is not a no no - is it good for you? Probably not. But thinking of things as being out of bounds can sometimes make them more appealing.
I think maybe a good way to approach wanting to see/speak to someone is to say, to yourself - I COULD if I wanted to (because in reality you could), then ask, but do I want to? Then answer that. So you could drive by where he is staying every day, but do you want to?
I guess the question is and only you can answer yourself on this one, is why. Why do you care what he is doing. If you knew his every move, what does that do for you? It goes back to that challenging yourself, your thoughts.
It gives you something, or you are looking for something, what exactly is that?
Driving by anywhere is not a no no - is it good for you? Probably not. But thinking of things as being out of bounds can sometimes make them more appealing.
I think maybe a good way to approach wanting to see/speak to someone is to say, to yourself - I COULD if I wanted to (because in reality you could), then ask, but do I want to? Then answer that. So you could drive by where he is staying every day, but do you want to?
I guess the question is and only you can answer yourself on this one, is why. Why do you care what he is doing. If you knew his every move, what does that do for you? It goes back to that challenging yourself, your thoughts.
It gives you something, or you are looking for something, what exactly is that?
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Trailmix - your posts are so thoughtful and insightful? Are you a therapist in real life.
you challenge my thoughts and make see and think things in a different way. It is very helpful.
I am not sure what I am looking for. I think I feel alone or lonely and holding on to him is keeping me from feeling these feeling. But I am not even sure. I have begun to romanticize again and I am trying to stop this as well. I am trying to change years of my own behaviour and it’s difficult. I minimize the abuse and romanticize the past.
We had this conversation over text and he said all these things about me like that he only left cause i disrespected him constantly. That he didn’t leave for that girl. It’s lies and total distortion of my reality but I guess that’s his reality? And I don’t know why I feel the need to defend myself - at this point it’s over so does it really matter anyways.
I think my hard days come when I am not staying busy abs my thoughts runaway with themselves.
you challenge my thoughts and make see and think things in a different way. It is very helpful.
I am not sure what I am looking for. I think I feel alone or lonely and holding on to him is keeping me from feeling these feeling. But I am not even sure. I have begun to romanticize again and I am trying to stop this as well. I am trying to change years of my own behaviour and it’s difficult. I minimize the abuse and romanticize the past.
We had this conversation over text and he said all these things about me like that he only left cause i disrespected him constantly. That he didn’t leave for that girl. It’s lies and total distortion of my reality but I guess that’s his reality? And I don’t know why I feel the need to defend myself - at this point it’s over so does it really matter anyways.
I think my hard days come when I am not staying busy abs my thoughts runaway with themselves.
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Hey lost
you know what, feeling pain, feeling grief means you are alive and real
He will just go to whomever lets him use and live his life, not call him out on his crap.
It completely sucks, it does, ive been where you are and id not wish it on anyone
if you had returned to the relationship, honestly, it was putting off the inevitable.
I am sending you a virtual hug xx ive been where you are, I promise it will ease but unfortunately you will carry it with you, it will be a lighter load and as the days go, get lighter, still pangs of hurt will appear, like all grief.
I am so sorry you are in pain, please do something nice for yourself. You have dodged a bullet, even though it doesn't feel like that now
B x
you know what, feeling pain, feeling grief means you are alive and real
He will just go to whomever lets him use and live his life, not call him out on his crap.
It completely sucks, it does, ive been where you are and id not wish it on anyone
if you had returned to the relationship, honestly, it was putting off the inevitable.
I am sending you a virtual hug xx ive been where you are, I promise it will ease but unfortunately you will carry it with you, it will be a lighter load and as the days go, get lighter, still pangs of hurt will appear, like all grief.
I am so sorry you are in pain, please do something nice for yourself. You have dodged a bullet, even though it doesn't feel like that now
B x
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Well that’s just it. If he was really interested in repairing things he would go to treatment and get help. Instead of just finding someone else.
he is basically denying that he left me for another woman and saying that he left cause I don’t respect him and that she happened after. And now he has someone else. I am just a vessel to use when needed.
I guess I am just hurting. I just need to let go of the fantasy of who I thought he was and what I wanted. We set the clocks back an hour and the dark days just have me down and out.
he is basically denying that he left me for another woman and saying that he left cause I don’t respect him and that she happened after. And now he has someone else. I am just a vessel to use when needed.
I guess I am just hurting. I just need to let go of the fantasy of who I thought he was and what I wanted. We set the clocks back an hour and the dark days just have me down and out.
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