Lost
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Lost
Hi all,
My husband has been struggling with cocaine addiction for the past few years. The last year has been particularly bad and our marriage has been very strained. He had stopped working and I had been taking care of kids, house, bills, groceries etc.
He was going out every night to hang at the drug dealer down the streets house and I barely saw him. This created a lot of resentment.
We had been arguing and he up and left me for some girl. I am assuming he has been cheating for awhile - but not too sure. I feel so lost and empty. All I wanted was for him to be a husband and a father. Part of me wants him back but I know nothing has changed.
lost
My husband has been struggling with cocaine addiction for the past few years. The last year has been particularly bad and our marriage has been very strained. He had stopped working and I had been taking care of kids, house, bills, groceries etc.
He was going out every night to hang at the drug dealer down the streets house and I barely saw him. This created a lot of resentment.
We had been arguing and he up and left me for some girl. I am assuming he has been cheating for awhile - but not too sure. I feel so lost and empty. All I wanted was for him to be a husband and a father. Part of me wants him back but I know nothing has changed.
lost
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Also I know this is stupid but I can’t help but want him back . I know that I am codependent in the worst way but I can’t stop crying. I have two kids that I am trying to be strong for but I am struggling so much. I just didn’t see him leaving like that. After everything I have done for this man he dropped me.
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I'm so sorry, Lost. You are in a terrible crisis right now. And your children are being greatly impacted. If you can do your best to make sure their schedules remain consistent and protect them from witnessing any confrontations you have with your husband, please try your best to put them first, in spite of the breakdown happening in your marriage and within you. If you have the means, consider having them see a counselor for a while. They are innocent and vulnerable and will need you to put their welfare above all else.
Addiction makes all addicts selfish, but for coldness and cruelty, I think cocaine and all forms of speed are absolutely worst for turning human beings to ice. It is shocking and sickening to witness, and chilling to be in the presence of someone who is high on cocaine. I have a friend whose son is a coke addict. She allows him to live at home (he is 36 years old). I have a few times been in his presence when it was clear he was high and I felt almost light-headed with anxiety and slightly nauseous. I cannot imagine living with anyone who is a coke addict.
Others will share their stories with you, hopefully.
Please put the emotional and physical safety of your children first. And seek outside help for yourself. A visit to a family doctor would be a good first step.
Addiction makes all addicts selfish, but for coldness and cruelty, I think cocaine and all forms of speed are absolutely worst for turning human beings to ice. It is shocking and sickening to witness, and chilling to be in the presence of someone who is high on cocaine. I have a friend whose son is a coke addict. She allows him to live at home (he is 36 years old). I have a few times been in his presence when it was clear he was high and I felt almost light-headed with anxiety and slightly nauseous. I cannot imagine living with anyone who is a coke addict.
Others will share their stories with you, hopefully.
Please put the emotional and physical safety of your children first. And seek outside help for yourself. A visit to a family doctor would be a good first step.
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Thank you. I am trying to focus on only me and my children but I find my thoughts turning to him all the time. I can’t eat I can’t sleep - I am constantly crying. I know it’s not good for them to witness but I can’t help it right now.
He says that I am playing “victim” and that it’s my fault we are where we are. All I wanted was for him to be a present father and husband. He was constantly unhappy and in a bad mood around me and the kids. Totally disconnected from us. I keep thinking maybe I could have done something different.
He says that I am playing “victim” and that it’s my fault we are where we are. All I wanted was for him to be a present father and husband. He was constantly unhappy and in a bad mood around me and the kids. Totally disconnected from us. I keep thinking maybe I could have done something different.
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Originally Posted by Lost2011 
Thank you. I am trying to focus on only me and my children but I find my thoughts turning to him all the time. I can’t eat I can’t sleep - I am constantly crying. I know it’s not good for them to witness but I can’t help it right now.
He says that I am playing “victim” and that it’s my fault we are where we are. All I wanted was for him to be a present father and husband. He was constantly unhappy and in a bad mood around me and the kids. Totally disconnected from us. I keep thinking maybe I could have done something different.
He says that I am playing “victim” and that it’s my fault we are where we are. All I wanted was for him to be a present father and husband. He was constantly unhappy and in a bad mood around me and the kids. Totally disconnected from us. I keep thinking maybe I could have done something different.
1.) You are strong. I believe you were built to learn, grow, and soar through/in spite of this pain. You can eat. You can feed and bathe your children. You can pray for sleep. You can post here to vent. You can call a friend/family member to cry.
2.) You are NOT responsible for his choices. It is childish and weak for him to blame you for his decisions. You are only responsible for your own choices going forward. You deserve peace, love, respect, and kindness. He does not appear capable of those things right now. You can give them to yourself.
I’m cheering for you, Lost. You can do this.
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Thank you. That means so much to me. I feel totally alone and incapable right now. I feel like i have lost the life I knew. How could he walk out on me - after so many years. Discarded like trash. I just feel like I can’t do anything right now.
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How do I move on from this? I invested so much of myself into him. I am so so lost and broken.
is this new relationship going to work - what does she have that I don’t? Just moved out of our house and into hers..
is this new relationship going to work - what does she have that I don’t? Just moved out of our house and into hers..
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Hi Lost, so sorry you have been so hurt.
First of all what does she have that you don't? Nothing. You are you, she is whomever she is. Maybe she is a user as well, probably, she now has a cocaine addict living in her house. It's not personal though, it's not about you or your kids, it's about addiction.
If you aren't on board with the addiction, then you can quickly enter the enemy camp. It's like you already had a 3rd person or entity in your relationship (because you did).
His loyalty is to cocaine.
All you wanted was a stable husband and father, is that too much to ask? Not at all. I'm sure before he became a user he may have been that and even after, maybe in small moments. But the addiction has him now.
It's more important than you, or the kids or his family, friends, work, it's more important than him - to him.
I would recommend a couple of things. First of all, take care of yourself, take that energy you are focusing on him and try to turn that back on yourself and kids. It's wasted on him. Eat well, sleep when you can, go for walks (even if you don't feel like it), talk to people, post here.
Read Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. You will find it helpful I think.
I hope you realize you aren't broken, not really. You have had a devastating thing happen, but you will heal from it. It may be slow, but each day you will feel a little better, even if you don't notice it at first. Steel yourself.
A trip to the doctor is a good idea, also, maybe next week, you might want to speak to a lawyer. I'm not sure what assets you have but you will want to speak to them about custody, child support and finances.
What about banking? Do you share finances? If so you may want to lock down that money (today) so that only you have access to it, for now. If that means calling and cancelling all debit cards for now, then that is what you might want to do. Perhaps go grab some cash for yourself first at the ATM, then call. Cocaine is expensive and he is obviously on a bender. You can then go in to the bank or call them on Monday and sort it out.
First of all what does she have that you don't? Nothing. You are you, she is whomever she is. Maybe she is a user as well, probably, she now has a cocaine addict living in her house. It's not personal though, it's not about you or your kids, it's about addiction.
If you aren't on board with the addiction, then you can quickly enter the enemy camp. It's like you already had a 3rd person or entity in your relationship (because you did).
His loyalty is to cocaine.
All you wanted was a stable husband and father, is that too much to ask? Not at all. I'm sure before he became a user he may have been that and even after, maybe in small moments. But the addiction has him now.
It's more important than you, or the kids or his family, friends, work, it's more important than him - to him.
I would recommend a couple of things. First of all, take care of yourself, take that energy you are focusing on him and try to turn that back on yourself and kids. It's wasted on him. Eat well, sleep when you can, go for walks (even if you don't feel like it), talk to people, post here.
Read Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. You will find it helpful I think.
I hope you realize you aren't broken, not really. You have had a devastating thing happen, but you will heal from it. It may be slow, but each day you will feel a little better, even if you don't notice it at first. Steel yourself.
A trip to the doctor is a good idea, also, maybe next week, you might want to speak to a lawyer. I'm not sure what assets you have but you will want to speak to them about custody, child support and finances.
What about banking? Do you share finances? If so you may want to lock down that money (today) so that only you have access to it, for now. If that means calling and cancelling all debit cards for now, then that is what you might want to do. Perhaps go grab some cash for yourself first at the ATM, then call. Cocaine is expensive and he is obviously on a bender. You can then go in to the bank or call them on Monday and sort it out.
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Originally Posted by Lost2011
How do I move on from this? I invested so much of myself into him. I am so so lost and broken.
is this new relationship going to work - what does she have that I don’t? Just moved out of our house and into hers..
is this new relationship going to work - what does she have that I don’t? Just moved out of our house and into hers..
You are separate from him. Your worth is independent of how he acts.
You move on one tiny step at a time. One meal, one shower, one walk, one nap. Just keep repeating those actions while you remind yourself that you are worth more than he can offer.
Here is what the new woman gets:
an unemployed, lying, cheating, blaming, blind man in the grips of active addition
All she has that you don’t is a willingness to tolerate his nonsense.
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I canceled our credit cards and we don’t share accounts. Thank you for the advice in needed to hear all these things. I keep remembering the beginning when things were good and I don’t know how we got here. I am heartbroken so deeply. For myself - my children. And I just don’t understand how he can discard me so easily. Like I feel like an insignificant nothing .
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He claimed that the drugs were nothing and not effecting him. But he slept pretty much all day. I would find him scraping baggies to get just one more line, he stopped speaking to his family, lost interest in spending time with me and the kids. He constantly accused me of cheating on him and would gaslight me with accusations or scenarios that never happened. I wasn’t allowed social media or I wasn’t allowed to wear certain clothes. There was so much wrong - why is my mind making me feel like I am the loser??
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Codependency, putting your self worth in his reflection.
We should, really, always, look at ourselves as individuals and it never hurts to take what others say in to consideration but those are just opinions. You get to decide who you are and it doesn't depend on him, his thoughts, his actions, his personality. He doesn't get to define who you are. That sounds cliche, I know. But if you are used to codependency, thinking otherwise can be REALLY foreign. It takes work to break out of that, but it will be worth it.
Addicts lie. This is a lie.
He isn't discarding you, he is embracing the drugs, two different things. This actually isn't about you (it affects you of course) but really, it's about drugs.
It will help to make a list of those things, short and sweet, to refer to every time you start thinking about the "good times", because now, these weren't good times. Bad for you, bad for your kiddies. Add to the list as things come to mind. It sounds like it would be depressing, funnily enough, it can be quite freeing.
We should, really, always, look at ourselves as individuals and it never hurts to take what others say in to consideration but those are just opinions. You get to decide who you are and it doesn't depend on him, his thoughts, his actions, his personality. He doesn't get to define who you are. That sounds cliche, I know. But if you are used to codependency, thinking otherwise can be REALLY foreign. It takes work to break out of that, but it will be worth it.
He claimed that the drugs were nothing and not effecting him.
I just don’t understand how he can discard me so easily
There was so much wrong
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I feel so broken. I wanted to work things out I know you can’t really work things out with someone in active addiction. I feel like it’s my fault.
I always fall into this toxic pattern of thinking.
He is off with his new girlfriend having a blast and i am crying and picking up pieces of my shattered life.
he texted me today looking for money.
I always fall into this toxic pattern of thinking.
He is off with his new girlfriend having a blast and i am crying and picking up pieces of my shattered life.
he texted me today looking for money.
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Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are going through this, dear Lost. 
s
I don't think it is codependent to miss someone you have loved very deeply. But it is pretty clear that this man is doing a good job of blaming you for things that are not even a little bit your fault.
His behaviour is reprehensible—and he is living in his addiction with a (very temporary) partner who is using with him—that's what she has. And you don't want that in a million years. s
sI don't think it is codependent to miss someone you have loved very deeply. But it is pretty clear that this man is doing a good job of blaming you for things that are not even a little bit your fault.
His behaviour is reprehensible—and he is living in his addiction with a (very temporary) partner who is using with him—that's what she has. And you don't want that in a million years.
s
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Just one other thing I thought of (oh and good for you for thinking of cancelling the credit cards), either change your locks or perhaps put slider locks on the outside doors.
He might be back sooner than you think you know. He has no money (unless he is selling drugs as well). Not sure how much money the person he has moved in with has, but having some guy laying on your couch stoned might not be all that welcome.
Addicts make terrible parents. Letting him languish in your house is detrimental to all of you, especially the kids. It enables him to keep using, comfortably, sets a horrible example for the kids and leaves you devastated. If he contacts you, please be ready. He needs his drugs and there probably isn't much he wouldn't say to get money for them.
We were posting at the same time:
He might be back sooner than you think you know. He has no money (unless he is selling drugs as well). Not sure how much money the person he has moved in with has, but having some guy laying on your couch stoned might not be all that welcome.
Addicts make terrible parents. Letting him languish in your house is detrimental to all of you, especially the kids. It enables him to keep using, comfortably, sets a horrible example for the kids and leaves you devastated. If he contacts you, please be ready. He needs his drugs and there probably isn't much he wouldn't say to get money for them.
We were posting at the same time:
he texted me today looking for money.
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It hurts so bad in a way I have never felt before. He says he is not an addict and i am making a something out of nothing. But he uses cocaine everyday. He started experiencing headaches and extreme blood pressure which I believe to be the result of his drug use. Too be honest I am not even sure how much he has been using. He wasn’t home very much. He was also clearly cheating on me to have moved on so quickly - was living with this girl within days. I am ashamed to admit that I begged him to come back and told him I would change - what is wrong with me. I cant stop crying
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Just one other thing I thought of (oh and good for you for thinking of cancelling the credit cards), either change your locks or perhaps put slider locks on the outside doors.
He might be back sooner than you think you know. He has no money (unless he is selling drugs as well). Not sure how much money the person he has moved in with has, but having some guy laying on your couch stoned might not be all that welcome.
Addicts make terrible parents. Letting him languish in your house is detrimental to all of you, especially the kids. It enables him to keep using, comfortably, sets a horrible example for the kids and leaves you devastated. If he contacts you, please be ready. He needs his drugs and there probably isn't much he wouldn't say to get money for them.
We were posting at the same time:
He might be back sooner than you think you know. He has no money (unless he is selling drugs as well). Not sure how much money the person he has moved in with has, but having some guy laying on your couch stoned might not be all that welcome.
Addicts make terrible parents. Letting him languish in your house is detrimental to all of you, especially the kids. It enables him to keep using, comfortably, sets a horrible example for the kids and leaves you devastated. If he contacts you, please be ready. He needs his drugs and there probably isn't much he wouldn't say to get money for them.
We were posting at the same time:
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To get past accepting anything - you will have to steel yourself. Even if you think of having a protective bubble around yourself. Whatever he says bounces right off it. Detach from him, he is no one you want to know right now.
You may find this hard to believe right now, but eventually you will probably be angry. If that happens, hold on to it for a while, that will help propel you out of this.
Please get hold of Melody Beattie's book, I think you will find it comforting. Also, I really recommend reading around this forum and Friends and Family of alcoholics. You are not alone.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You may find this hard to believe right now, but eventually you will probably be angry. If that happens, hold on to it for a while, that will help propel you out of this.
Please get hold of Melody Beattie's book, I think you will find it comforting. Also, I really recommend reading around this forum and Friends and Family of alcoholics. You are not alone.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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He "WOULD NOT ALLOW" you access to social media. He "WOULD NOT ALLOW" you to wear certain clothes.
This is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. It is intense psychological abuse and intimidation.
And that is why you are broken. You have been victimized by your drug addict husband. When the addict exerts this kind of control and intimidation, it is psychological violence.
And your response is NORMAL: Disbelief, confusion, breakdown. Self-condemning. Self-questioning. Believing that if you hadn't acted in a certain way or made a certain statement in any past interactions with him, that he would not have hurt you. This is domestic violence.
It is much deeper than codependence,. And none of it is your fault.. You are a victim of domestic abuse. And you will need more than Al-Anon or reading this forum.
You are barely functioning and this why: Domestic Abuse.
There must be a domestic violence hotline in your area. Maybe the national line is posted somewhere on this forum.
When a man tells you that you ARE NOT ALLOWED.....this is domestic violence. And it breaks you. It would break any one of us. Believe me.
The textbook outcome is the woman is broken, and she thinks his cruelty and rejection is her fault.
This has happened to you, Lost. You are a victim. You are not at fault for anything, but without skilled support from someone who understands domestic violence, you will have a very hard time believing it.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
This is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. It is intense psychological abuse and intimidation.
And that is why you are broken. You have been victimized by your drug addict husband. When the addict exerts this kind of control and intimidation, it is psychological violence.
And your response is NORMAL: Disbelief, confusion, breakdown. Self-condemning. Self-questioning. Believing that if you hadn't acted in a certain way or made a certain statement in any past interactions with him, that he would not have hurt you. This is domestic violence.
It is much deeper than codependence,. And none of it is your fault.. You are a victim of domestic abuse. And you will need more than Al-Anon or reading this forum.
You are barely functioning and this why: Domestic Abuse.
There must be a domestic violence hotline in your area. Maybe the national line is posted somewhere on this forum.
When a man tells you that you ARE NOT ALLOWED.....this is domestic violence. And it breaks you. It would break any one of us. Believe me.
The textbook outcome is the woman is broken, and she thinks his cruelty and rejection is her fault.
This has happened to you, Lost. You are a victim. You are not at fault for anything, but without skilled support from someone who understands domestic violence, you will have a very hard time believing it.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
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