So depressed....help
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Sodev, I came across this TED talk today and thought of you. I had the opportunity to hear Andrew Solomon on stage a few years back, and he just marries compassion and wit so effortlessly that I must admit I'm a tad jealous.
This talk may not apply exactly to you, but I love how it ends in hope.
https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_sol...re?language=en
This talk may not apply exactly to you, but I love how it ends in hope.
https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_sol...re?language=en
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Hey SoDev 
Checking in. You doing alright? What are some new things Aaron is learning to do? The early stages are tough with them eating, sleeping, and needing us 24/7! After the first few months they start reaching those milestones... Smiling, reaching, etc. So sweet. Hang in there. 
Checking in. You doing alright? What are some new things Aaron is learning to do? The early stages are tough with them eating, sleeping, and needing us 24/7! After the first few months they start reaching those milestones... Smiling, reaching, etc. So sweet. Hang in there. Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by Sodevastated 
I'm even trying to encourage my AH's best friend who is also deeply depressed. Can you imagine that?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Dandy and Hope.
Still feeling quite low, but I went out for a walk today and I tried to study. I'm thinking. A LOT. The thoughts go round and round. Thinking about my financial situation with all debts that I have to take care of alone. My parents have to help me out. When I've paid all my bills I hardly have any money left. I wouldn't even be able to support my son if it weren't for my parents. I've always had enough money and now on subsistence level. I don't care about not being able getting things for myself. It's that I can barely pay for the necessities for my son. All the money I gave to my AH, thinking I was helping him. He spent it all on drugs and slot machines.Now I can't provide for my son and myself, and the huge housing loan he left behind that I won't be able to pay, not even before I die. So angry my AH got me, and especially his own son, in this situation EVEN if he was an addict and that he used me for money, money that I need so badly now.
Aaron "swims" when I bathe him. He's learnt how to use his legs. He loves taking baths. He's very happy those moments. He smiles a lot and smiles back when I smile at him. Such a cutie. He's also learnt to grab hold of things -my sweater ( when I hold him, to have something to hold on to in order to feel secure), his baby bottle and my hair! He also worms away in his baby bouncer and in bed. Aaron doesn't like wearing socks and he always kicks them off his feet. Little rascal 😊
How are the two of you doing?
Sending you hugs
Still feeling quite low, but I went out for a walk today and I tried to study. I'm thinking. A LOT. The thoughts go round and round. Thinking about my financial situation with all debts that I have to take care of alone. My parents have to help me out. When I've paid all my bills I hardly have any money left. I wouldn't even be able to support my son if it weren't for my parents. I've always had enough money and now on subsistence level. I don't care about not being able getting things for myself. It's that I can barely pay for the necessities for my son. All the money I gave to my AH, thinking I was helping him. He spent it all on drugs and slot machines.Now I can't provide for my son and myself, and the huge housing loan he left behind that I won't be able to pay, not even before I die. So angry my AH got me, and especially his own son, in this situation EVEN if he was an addict and that he used me for money, money that I need so badly now.
Aaron "swims" when I bathe him. He's learnt how to use his legs. He loves taking baths. He's very happy those moments. He smiles a lot and smiles back when I smile at him. Such a cutie. He's also learnt to grab hold of things -my sweater ( when I hold him, to have something to hold on to in order to feel secure), his baby bottle and my hair! He also worms away in his baby bouncer and in bed. Aaron doesn't like wearing socks and he always kicks them off his feet. Little rascal 😊
How are the two of you doing?
Sending you hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by hope778
I can absolutely understand why this would be something you would want and almost need to do. I think this will bring healing. Not only helping others who knew him, but just talking about him, out loud. Being around those who understand how easy it was to love him. Those who knew his good qualities. Instead of working to leave what happened in the past, bringing him up in regular conversation and knowing it is ok to do so. He is Aaron's father, he is everyone's friend, etc. Talking about him, the good/bad/hard, will bring healing I believe.
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Sodevestated...isn't bath time just the best!? I loved it so much....
Lord knows...I understand the stress of financial worries....(I learned to never think about finances (and other scary topics) after bedtime. It always seems worse at night! It is better to think about it earlier in a day...because our fears don't creep in as much.
I am afraid that I am not knowledgeable to discuss your house loan situation with you....
I can say that your financial situation won't always remain the same as it is now. You are still young...early thirties....
when you move back to your apartment...it would be advantageous if you could find a roommate. splitting the rent and utilities with another person does make a big difference in cash flow. Perhaps, you could even find another single mother to share an apartment....if you could find someone who is compatable. It would solve a lot of problems....help with sharing child care and the companionship that comes with it.....(think outside of the box...lol)....
I am glad that you got out of the house and studies...even if you didn't feel like it.. getting out and getting exercise is so essential...as is having social contact when you are feeling down....
Thanks for letting us know how you are doing.....
Lord knows...I understand the stress of financial worries....(I learned to never think about finances (and other scary topics) after bedtime. It always seems worse at night! It is better to think about it earlier in a day...because our fears don't creep in as much.
I am afraid that I am not knowledgeable to discuss your house loan situation with you....
I can say that your financial situation won't always remain the same as it is now. You are still young...early thirties....
when you move back to your apartment...it would be advantageous if you could find a roommate. splitting the rent and utilities with another person does make a big difference in cash flow. Perhaps, you could even find another single mother to share an apartment....if you could find someone who is compatable. It would solve a lot of problems....help with sharing child care and the companionship that comes with it.....(think outside of the box...lol)....
I am glad that you got out of the house and studies...even if you didn't feel like it.. getting out and getting exercise is so essential...as is having social contact when you are feeling down....
Thanks for letting us know how you are doing.....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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He also worms away in his baby bouncer and in bed. Aaron doesn't like wearing socks and he always kicks them off his feet. Little rascal
I was thinking of you today, especially today, and wanted to let you know there's always room at the SR table. I'm going to give you a big, googly hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
You're right Dandy. Thinking of scary thoughts in the evenings is no good but that's when they all enter my mind and haunt me, day after day. All kind of thoughts. I try not to think too much and fall asleep.
I've thought about getting a roommate. It would be much cheaper to live in the apt. and perhaps nice having company if the chemistry works. I'll decide when it's time to move back again. Thanks for mentioning this suggestion.
Sending you a hug🙇
I've thought about getting a roommate. It would be much cheaper to live in the apt. and perhaps nice having company if the chemistry works. I'll decide when it's time to move back again. Thanks for mentioning this suggestion.
Sending you a hug🙇
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I should've sent you a big, big hug on Valentine's day to thank you all for being there for me, but it was a tough day and I didn't have the energy to do much. So I'm sending you a huge hug now and lots of love 💖💖💜. You mean the world to me and I'm so thankful you have the energy to read and respond regularly. Thank you my friends.
On Valentine's day, my family made me go out to eat with them. I didn't want to of course, but they persuaded me. My father is the one who insists on taking us women out on Valentine's day every year and he buys us roses. Very gentlemanly. We went to a place with few people, which was relieving to me, but still it was agonising seeing other couples. Seeing couples who are expecting a baby is what hurts the most, and of course I saw one of those too. It made me think of how I had to go through pretty much the whole pregnancy by myself ( except for the first 3 months) and it hurts so much. It hurts to see others having their men by their side sharing the good and bad during their pregnancy, not that I envy them, I just wish I too could have shared that with my AH. I think I will always be reminded of that pain every time I see someone pregnant as long as I live. But Yeay, I survived Valentine's day. How was your Valentine''s day?
On Valentine's day, my family made me go out to eat with them. I didn't want to of course, but they persuaded me. My father is the one who insists on taking us women out on Valentine's day every year and he buys us roses. Very gentlemanly. We went to a place with few people, which was relieving to me, but still it was agonising seeing other couples. Seeing couples who are expecting a baby is what hurts the most, and of course I saw one of those too. It made me think of how I had to go through pretty much the whole pregnancy by myself ( except for the first 3 months) and it hurts so much. It hurts to see others having their men by their side sharing the good and bad during their pregnancy, not that I envy them, I just wish I too could have shared that with my AH. I think I will always be reminded of that pain every time I see someone pregnant as long as I live. But Yeay, I survived Valentine's day. How was your Valentine''s day?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Happy Belated Valentines to you! I know it had to be hard but look at you - you survived! And I bet Aaron was the best looking guy at that restaurant!
One thing to remember, those couples you saw so "in love" may or may not be. You never really know what's going on in a relationship. Lord knows how hard some of us have worked in the past to make everything appear perfect!
One thing to remember, those couples you saw so "in love" may or may not be. You never really know what's going on in a relationship. Lord knows how hard some of us have worked in the past to make everything appear perfect!
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Spdevestated.....thank you for your kind words and wishes. Actually, I was big on valentine's day as a child in grade school...making valentines and "valentine boxes" ...counting how many I got, etc....
As a adult...not so much.
Of course, seeing couples, right now, has got to "sting". I remember h ow I hated going to weddings after my first divorce. But, that faded, later on.
I think it will be the same for you....after enough time has passed.
Try not to anticipate pain and mourning as a condition for the rest of your life.
It won't unfold like that. You have decades of life ahead of you...and it is completely unwritten, as now. You have lots of great experiences ahead of you.
You will laugh, again. You will love again.....
It won't always feel like this....
As a adult...not so much.
Of course, seeing couples, right now, has got to "sting". I remember h ow I hated going to weddings after my first divorce. But, that faded, later on.
I think it will be the same for you....after enough time has passed.
Try not to anticipate pain and mourning as a condition for the rest of your life.
It won't unfold like that. You have decades of life ahead of you...and it is completely unwritten, as now. You have lots of great experiences ahead of you.
You will laugh, again. You will love again.....
It won't always feel like this....
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
Sodevestated,
I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. My friend is going through a very similar situation and your situations sound so alike, it's heartbreaking. I'm not sure if you've looked into it yet, but she was able to collect social security survivors benefits for her boys. I'm not sure how it all works, but please look into it for yourself and your little guy.
My son is now 21 years old, however, his father left when I was 5 months pregnant. I went through my pregnancy and the birth of my son alone. My situation doesn't compare to yours, but I felt the exact same way seeing happy pregnant couples. I couldn't understand why I was given such a raw deal and it hurt like hell. I don't think I hurt as much for myself as I did for my unborn son. He didn't deserve it. The financial part was devestating as well. My electricity was turned off while I was in the hospital and I had to have my mom pay it to have it turned back on. I never, ever thought I would pull out of it. But, I did. And I raised my son, alone. There is no way I'll sit here and tell you that it was easy because it wasn't. I had to put my college career on hold and work 2 jobs, but thinking back on the days when it was just him and I, they were some of the happiest days of my life. And some of the saddest, too.
The silver lining is that my son turned into an amazing young man. He works hard, he has a great career, he's continuing his education, and he's probably one of the kindest, most compassionate 21 year olds I know. He respects women, he's smart, he has a great head on his shoulders, and he's honestly one of my best friends and biggest cheerleaders. And after the hurt, pain, and hard work, I can say that although my situation was awful in the beginning, it got much better and, I raised a damn good kid! THAT is the most priceless gift in the world to a mom.
The pain you feel when you see a happily pregnant couple will subside. The hurt you feel when you see couples with their children will ease. You still have A LOT of life ahead of you and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I wish you so much strength and happiness. This will get better.
I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. My friend is going through a very similar situation and your situations sound so alike, it's heartbreaking. I'm not sure if you've looked into it yet, but she was able to collect social security survivors benefits for her boys. I'm not sure how it all works, but please look into it for yourself and your little guy.
My son is now 21 years old, however, his father left when I was 5 months pregnant. I went through my pregnancy and the birth of my son alone. My situation doesn't compare to yours, but I felt the exact same way seeing happy pregnant couples. I couldn't understand why I was given such a raw deal and it hurt like hell. I don't think I hurt as much for myself as I did for my unborn son. He didn't deserve it. The financial part was devestating as well. My electricity was turned off while I was in the hospital and I had to have my mom pay it to have it turned back on. I never, ever thought I would pull out of it. But, I did. And I raised my son, alone. There is no way I'll sit here and tell you that it was easy because it wasn't. I had to put my college career on hold and work 2 jobs, but thinking back on the days when it was just him and I, they were some of the happiest days of my life. And some of the saddest, too.
The silver lining is that my son turned into an amazing young man. He works hard, he has a great career, he's continuing his education, and he's probably one of the kindest, most compassionate 21 year olds I know. He respects women, he's smart, he has a great head on his shoulders, and he's honestly one of my best friends and biggest cheerleaders. And after the hurt, pain, and hard work, I can say that although my situation was awful in the beginning, it got much better and, I raised a damn good kid! THAT is the most priceless gift in the world to a mom.
The pain you feel when you see a happily pregnant couple will subside. The hurt you feel when you see couples with their children will ease. You still have A LOT of life ahead of you and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I wish you so much strength and happiness. This will get better.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by CelticStorm
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CelticStorm - thinking back on the days when it was just him and I, they were some of the happiest days of my life. And some of the saddest, too. ... I can so relate to this statement. Although those days are in the not so distant past for me. I love hearing how sweet and strong your boy is now. It gives those of us in similar situations hope!
SoDev - Of course I second what everyone has said. Comparison can bring pain for you right now. And truthfully we have no idea what those couples are going through behind closed doors. You know this already, I know. And it still hurts. I get it. I was just looking through Facebook yesterday and one of the sweetest girls I knew in high school is married to her high school sweetheart, is a stay at home mom, her husband takes great care of her and the kids, and they just celebrated an anniversary. They look (and I'm sure are) so very happy. She deserves it too. But it really stung. I deserve it too. I've worked hard too, worked hard on my marriage, and I don't have it. So yeah, I am advising you to stop doing something I do myself. I just want you to know I get it.
Valentine's Day for me was quite the let down. I'll just leave it at that! But my dad sounds a lot like yours. Never fails to remind us ladies how much we are appreciated and loved. That makes me feel special.
I feel like once our little boys are big enough, they will spoil us with Valentine's Gifts! I can't wait for that day. Hugs to you always, SoDev.
SoDev - Of course I second what everyone has said. Comparison can bring pain for you right now. And truthfully we have no idea what those couples are going through behind closed doors. You know this already, I know. And it still hurts. I get it. I was just looking through Facebook yesterday and one of the sweetest girls I knew in high school is married to her high school sweetheart, is a stay at home mom, her husband takes great care of her and the kids, and they just celebrated an anniversary. They look (and I'm sure are) so very happy. She deserves it too. But it really stung. I deserve it too. I've worked hard too, worked hard on my marriage, and I don't have it. So yeah, I am advising you to stop doing something I do myself. I just want you to know I get it.
Valentine's Day for me was quite the let down. I'll just leave it at that! But my dad sounds a lot like yours. Never fails to remind us ladies how much we are appreciated and loved. That makes me feel special.
I feel like once our little boys are big enough, they will spoil us with Valentine's Gifts! I can't wait for that day. Hugs to you always, SoDev.
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SoDev, for Valentine's Day my son made me a card. That was very sweet. You will have many cards from Aaron to look forward to. And you will treasure each and every one.
I second Dandylion, you have NO idea what life will bring you in the years ahead. Keep your heart open to the possibility of happiness, so when the opportunity comes to grasp it, you don't turn away. I haven't gone through what you've gone through, but I often think back to the days when I was a child, when I was at my lowest. If I knew what was in my future back then, it would have been ecstatic.
I second Dandylion, you have NO idea what life will bring you in the years ahead. Keep your heart open to the possibility of happiness, so when the opportunity comes to grasp it, you don't turn away. I haven't gone through what you've gone through, but I often think back to the days when I was a child, when I was at my lowest. If I knew what was in my future back then, it would have been ecstatic.
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Originally Posted by Jaeger
One thing to remember, those couples you saw so "in love" may or may not be. You never really know what's going on in a relationship. Lord knows how hard some of us have worked in the past to make everything appear perfect!
Hugs to you
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Puzzled, how sweet of your son to make you a card! I'm anticipating one from Aaron too ( when he gets older of course).My heart will melt that day.
Your right, I don't know what the future holds. Perhaps there will be some happiness in my life too. Hope so. Thank you for giving me hope.
Hugs
Your right, I don't know what the future holds. Perhaps there will be some happiness in my life too. Hope so. Thank you for giving me hope.
Hugs
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