Seren

The sad truth is that these are not two different people, just two sides to the same man. You cannot separate one from the other.

If you can live with, accept him, love him exactly as he is right now, drunk and all--great!

However, it does not sound as though you can accept the drinking side of him (and I certainly don't blame you).

I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through so much. You deserve peace and joy!

Jilllian

I just got chills reading this.
Sure does bring me back to when I was just a couple of years younger than you.
And with a new son myself.
I wasted a couple of years wondering and wishing, and finding those same excuses for him.
I always thought "Is *this* him hitting bottom?" and sure enough, it wasn't.
There was always more to come.
I so hoped he had hit bottom because that would mean a new beginning and everything would be perfect!
And I would ask myself that same question again and again.

I can't imagine now, 14 years later, how my life would have turned out had I not put him in my rear-view mirror so quickly.
The day I left him, I felt FREE.

I never for a second regretted choosing to leave that life.

What would you tell your daughter if she were in the same situation? Or your best friend?

You deserve the best.
Ditto for your kiddo!

twolivestouched

ILOVEME:
I have thought that maybe I loved the idea of him more than I loved Him
Thank you for reminding me of the things that I deserve and that I am not alone on this road.

twolivestouched

Windmills, Anvilhead, Jillian, Hydrogirl:

Thank you all for your words of Advice and being there for a complete stranger (But I guess that we know more about each other then I think).

Windmills: the ABF and I have one son together and joint custody of his two kids from his first marriage. So I hope that clears the confusion a little. I am sad and feel terribly alone, that is what brought me here so you’re right I do need to make a change for me and my son.

Anvilhead: When you get done with that book maybe you can send me an advance copy! I love that he is playful and I don’t think that I was seeing the "good time Charlie" in him. But that makes sense. Thank you for turning my head a direction that I had not.

Jullian: I have had the "is the as bad as its going to get" thoughts and I know that he is not even close to there yet. I have not been on the site long but just reading the different posts that show how far alcohol can take you is scary. It’s why I started posting and asking questions. I know that people here have been on this path longer than I have and I thank you for sharing your knowledge with me. When you left did you have a support network? Or did you just go?

Thank you all for letting me share and for sharing with me. You have really helped me through a hard day.

FindingJoy

Twolivestouched.

Thank you for this thread. My RExAB has two sides as well. The sweet, loving, cute, generous, thoughtful, kind, side

And the lying, manipulative, self-hating, selfish, aloof side. And mean when he doesn't get his way.

ONLY DIFFERENCE. He is sober and in AA with a sponsor and therapist and has gone though the 12 steps and even has lead an AA meeting

So the alcohol/pills was just his band-aid to ease his pain and self hatred.
Take that away and we are left with a man who has low self esteem with a big ego. Although he may have a big heart his own "stuff" gets in the way and hurts himself and others

Just wanted you to hear of an example of how life most likely will be if and when he stops drinking.

BIG HUG

Jilllian

I'm so glad you get support from coming here.
I just started coming here myself, and I'm very grateful for the words of wisdom from people who have been there...

As for leaving my ex-husband, I did not have a support network.
I had family around at the time, but they would have encouraged me to stick it out and I feared they wouldn't be supportive. Turns out I was wrong, but that's a different topic all together.

I planned on leaving for a couple of months.
I rented a safe deposit box at a bank just out of town, and in it I put valuables that my ex wouldn't notice were gone (like my jewelry, money that was laying around the house, important papers, etc).
I had the bills for this sent to a post office box I rented in that same town, so no bills came to our house.
I also hid things in this safe deposit box that I didn't want my ex to find (names and phone numbers of potential landlords for example). Back then (late 1998-early 1999) I had no cell phone or computer to store these things in.
The second month in, I rented a very small storage unit. The smallest one I could get.
And in it, every chance I got, I would put clothes in there. Little by little so that it wasn't noticable. Same for my two-year old son's things, and my soon-to-be daughter's things (I was pregnant with her at the time).
All along I kept saving as much money as I could without it being noticeable.
Then one day I just loaded the rest of my things into my car and took off to an apartment I secretly rented.
I had just enough time to take some money out of one of our bank accounts before he knew the jig was up and closed out all of our accounts, just like I knew he would do.
It was all very calculated, but it had to be.
I remember that I just couldn't wait for "the day."
I looked forward to it every second of every day.


Whatever you decide to do, you'll get support from people here.
Seems to me there isn't a lot of judging going on...just a whole lotta supporting.

zoso77

Want to know one of the reasons why I stayed with my AXGF?

Fear. Fear that if I left, she'd commit suicide. But then, as I educated myself about addiction through Al Anon and Borderline Personality Disorder through reading, I recognized that suicide was her trump card. The ultimate in manipulation. She could be behaving horribly, and then she'd pull that card out and it would change the subject instantly.

But you know what I learned? I may have stayed for whatever reasons I had. But she only stuck around so long as I enabled her to be helpless. And once I started my own recovery, and I was reacting to her behavior differently, and actually getting healthier...well, she did something awful...and then we were done. Ten weeks ago tonight, actually.

I guess what I'm saying is so long as he's in active addiction, he can't love you in the way you want to be loved, or should be loved. And that's because he can't love himself if he's slowly killing himself. It just is, twolivestouched. It doesn't mean that he's not capable, from time to time, of kindness. But he can't sustain it over the long term so long as he's in active addiction. He's very, very sick.

There were several times last year when I should have left my AXGF. Several. But I didn't. Call it fear, call it denial, call it what you want, I stayed. And that was a big mistake that has cost me a lot.

Please. Don't make the same mistake I did. Do what's best for you.

Best,
ZoSo

Windmills

How are you doing today?

lesliej

two lives...

two words: Jekyll & Hyde

package deal

Windmills

I agree. When someone has such light and dark in their personality and they're not prepared to work on it, you can either accept it as is or walk away. It's just reaching the point of accepting that with mr wonderful comes mr drunk and you deserve more than only half of a happy relationship, especially when the other half is so unhappy.

blackandblue

You are not alone and you are in the right place here in SR. I have been here for a couple of months with many good days and many not so good days. I can assure you that the hundreds of people that read or will read this post are saying, "that sounds just like or similar to what I am going through or what I went through." We all share common ground and you will come to see that your situation is not that unique. You, your son, your lives are unique and need to be taken care of but this disease of addiction is not unique in the way it plays out. No one gets out without putting in concerted daily effort toward recovery whether you are codependent like me or a drug addict like my ex.

It took me a very long time to get to the idea of completely cutting him out of my life. Today is that day. Two years of dealing with emotional abuse is enough for me. And most of what I dealt with was at a safe distance. It hurts and does not feel right. I miss all the things I loved about him. My resentments are piling up. This is what I avoided- my grief that already existed before him and with him and after him.

Whatever pain they are masking with substances is too big for us to deal with. Whatever pain we are masking by holding on and trying to control is too big for them to deal with. These kinds of tendencies, from what I am learning, draw us to each other. The addict and the codependent or the codependent addict (add mental illness or any number of other issues and multiply the problem).

I am reading Melody Beattie's "The New Codependency." It talks about how many addicts have underlying codependency and underlying grief and that after sometime in recovery from the substance the codependency surfaces leading to other addictive pattern. This has been a powerful eye-opening read. There are others too. I start therapy today. I am trying to go to more meetings. I am painfully not calling him- just for today. I can't think about more than that. Just step 1 and maybe step 2 for now. That's all I got.

I wish the best for your family. Take care of you. I am telling myself the same thing.

ODAT63

We get addicted to the idea..the hope that he will "stay" the nice, loving guy we see in him,however; he is not, It has taking me almost 2 years now after he left, just now I started to see our relationship for what it was, the fantasy is what kept me around for so many years, the hope that when he stopped drinking our lives will be this fairy tale.
Reality is..I lost myself in his addiction, I was miserable for most of the 16 years we were together, this is just ME, now my children..the youngest one was the happiest little boy until he turned 14, then he became depressed and suicidal, the older one left home at 18, screw up around alcohol but thanks to my Higher Power he is now on the right track even though he married a woman like his alcoholic step-dad, the youngest NOW is fighting his social phobias and lack of self esteem, dope and addiction to pills.
Was all that worth it because I LOVE my alcoholic and thought he was the only one...NOPE.
I did not have SR or al-anon 25 years ago when I was dating the first alcoholic in my life but YOU do, take advantage of the ES&H of this forum, not just for you but for your children, my hope is that one day this codependacy and addictions will be abolish from the face of the earth, and let it begin with me.

twolivestouched

I really don’t know I would get through any of this with out you all.

So I don’t know how to do the quote with in my post so hang in there with me...

Jillian: Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is a terrifying thing to think of being 'sneaky' in order to be free. But know that it has been done before gives me some light at the end of my tunnel. Thank you for sharing your hope with me.

Finding Joy: I envy you for having a BF that was strong enough to embrace his illness and get help so that you could have a life together. I am trying to initiate the conversations that will give my ABF a chance to say “Maybe I do need help". With all that I have read and watch (growing up in an abusive alcoholic home) he needs to come the 'help' choice on his own, I can’t force that. But I don’t think that I can wait for that moment to come. Maybe by losing me, losing his son, and losing the support network to care for his other two kids (I do most of it when he is drunk) that he might hit bottom and ask for help. Thank you for your support.

Zaso77: I know that I am afraid. The world is big and scary and I don’t want to do it alone. I know that is a weak way to look at it, but I am terrified to be alone. You said that he can’t love me the way that I should be loved and I cried. I am not really the crying type but that did it. I have loved A LOT of bad people in my life and I really wanted this one to be different. If I leave does that mean that I failed? Thank you for your honesty and friendship.

Windmills: Today is ...blah. I am so numb today that I really think I might have to throw cold water on myself or something. He was amazing last night - Dinner, movie, shopping, great daddy, no booze. It was the life that I wanted..It was one night of what I want my life to be. And I come here and see my blog and my posts and I remember "right, he treats me like ***t most nights. And now I want to just go home, get my son, and run. Find a life that is worth living ALL THE TIME. How are you today? LOL Thank you for being here.

twolivestouched

WOW, this is a huge concept to grasp yet seems so simple. Your right. I think that I might read the book your reading and see if I can find some of your strength within its pages.

I hope that you continue to reach out to us, it helps to know that there are hundreds of us on the same path, some further along then others. You are an amazing person and you will have the life you deserve!

twolivestouched

This is what I hold on too, the idea that he will become what I need him to be. The issues you have had with your kids is one of my biggest fears. I have been with my A for almost 4 years. We got together when his son (from his first marriage was 3 months old). I have helped raise his kids (daughter and son from first marriage) since then. But If I leave...I leave them too. I can’t take them with me. There 'real' mom is an addict (pills and men) and there father is a fall down drunk. I don’t want them to blame me for leaving. But that is worrying about a future I don’t control.

I hope that your able to help you can help and receive the love you deserve in your life.

ODAT63

I love the say "we are not victims or martirs only Volunteers". I tell that to my kids, my parents, my family and friends...lol, but especailly to myself, go to support groups, take the kids to al-ateen if they are over 8 years old, but do things because YOU want to do it for you, GOD will take care of his children, maybe your A just wants a babysitter, he needs to do his part. I was so busy trying to change the alcoholic that forgot about my children emotional support, I was there physically but not emotional, alcoholism took all my emotional, mental, spiritual power, my kids only got my body presence, that is what alcohol does to relationships, it takes us hostage.
Unless you take care of yourself, you are not there for your children either. You will be in my prayers.

twolivestouched

Thank you for bring this reality to the front of my brain. i want to be the best Mommy that I can be and I need to be 'free' in order to do so.

Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

zoso77

You know...last fall I read Neil Peart's Ghost Rider. For those of you who may not know, he's the drummer for Rush. In a 10 month period, he lost his daughter in a car accident and his wife to cancer. What was his way to cope?

Hop on his motorcycle and drive throughout North America...and see the world. He paid attention to the different birds, the smell of the air, the various landscapes...it was basically a form of mindfulness that probably saved his life.

I guess what I'm saying is please don't be scared of the world. As long as there's air in our lungs, there's always a chance for us to do better. And how do we do better?

Look outward instead of inward. If you're not in Al Anon, please try going to meetings and listening. Get out of your own head. Learn what others have done to survive a loved one's addiction. And while you're going through this horrible time, be good to yourself. Do something simple, like roll down the windows, crank your favorite song, and hop on the highway. Get an ice cream. Find a spa and get a massage. Go to your favorite restaurant with a friend and have a nice meal...

...and reaffirm every single day that you can and you will get through this.

Right now, there's no one in my life. But that doesn't mean I'm lonely, or alone. For me, I'm just working on me and doing the things I need to do to be well. There may come a time where I meet someone again, but if that doesn't happen, I'm OK with that, too. Because there are worse things than being alone...and that's being with someone like my AXGF who will suck the life right out of me.

Be safe. PM me if you want to talk.

Best,
ZoSo

twolivestouched

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Windmills

The split personality is so hard to handle. So hard. I think reconciling the two, recognising that they're both part of his personality and the drinking is just a symptom of what's going on with him.. That's tough. Really tough. I've had physical distance since Halloween and I'm only just working through that the past couple of weeks.
I second what zoso said. Find a meeting. It'll change your life. Walking through the doors the first time is the best decision I think I ever made. I've met some truly inspiring people, people I can reach out to when I need a friendly voice or some support or even just to share my little victories, and they cheer me on. Getting a text saying 'I'm thinking of you today, give me a call if you need anything' is amazing. Especially when you know they mean it. I'm learning from the program, I'm getting strength from the literature. Literally learning a better way to live.
Do you have a support network?