twolivestouched

How is that my ABF can be drunk and horrible all night and then be the most loving caring man in the whole world the next morning. I end up feeling bad for being mad at him because he was drunk last night. Why do I feel guilty for being mad at him?
I know the answer and I do attend Al-anon meetings (I have for almost 10 years on and off) but I still can’t shake the guilt for his drinking. Why is it that this feeling is so strong with him? I have been able to walk away from the bottle myself, my own parents for being abusive drinkers, a marriage already, and now I find myself stuck loving him. Please tell me I am not the only person who has gone down this road.
Do the co-dependency feelings get stronger as you get older or something? I mean really...I know this is a toxic relationship, I know that I can’t continue to be around someone who drinks (32 months sober yeah me!), somewhere in my heart I am learning that I deserve better but I just can’t shake him.
Am I alone here?

Jilllian

You are definitely not alone.
I was married to an alcoholic.
I left when I found out that he was an alcholic...when I was newly pregnant with out daughter.
I never looked back because I didn't see that in my future (or my children's).
I do know what it's like to hear his car pull up the driveway and wonder if he'd be a jerk or if he'd be nice.
Always walking on egg shells...
I knew so little about addiction back then (still do) 14 years ago; just that I didn't want anything to do with it. And this was prior to my own addiction to pain pills.
What I did at the time though was try to picture myself living like that in another 1, 5, 10 years, and I couldn't.
Can you?
As for the codependence getting stronger with age, I can't answer that. Probably varies from person to person.
Congrats on 32 months sober. That's HUGE.

Windmills

God I hope codependence doesn't get stronger as you get older, I'm only 21
I can relate. Sometimes my ex has moments of being the wonderful man I fell in love with. I am learning to accept that his evil side is just as much a part of him (probably more!) than the good side. I always wanted to blame the evil on drugs or alcohol but even clean he still has an awful lot of the bad side. In his case, he just isn't that nice a guy as it turns out.

twolivestouched

Thank you. I quit drinking the day I found out I was going to have a baby.

I would have to think that part of the strong feelings are that he is the father of that baby.

But your right I worry every night what man I am going home to and what he is going to be like. The egg shells are deffinely a part of my life as well and I so tired of tippy toeing through my life

twolivestouched

Windmills: I am only 28 and if these feelings get much stronger I may just have...to...do..something, LOL

I dont even know who my BF is sober. I mean really sober. In 4 years he has never gone more than 4 days with out getting smashed.

Windmills

The egg shells don't have to be part of your life. Going to bed and knowing I won't be woken up at 5am by a raging maniac arriving home screaming and swearing at me for something I didn't do is amazing. A-MAZING. Knowing that I can phone a friend without him listening in waiting for something to pick on? Amazing. Actually being allowed to HAVE a friend to phone? Amazing. Getting up in the morning knowing my day is about me and my daughter rather than catering to his crazy drugged out wishes? Fantastic. Not allowing someone else's moods to rule me is indescribable. Knowing that I'm safe in my own home is the best.

Windmills

Maybe this is just who he is? Alcohol can't MAKE a person horrible IMO. The alcohol or drug use is generally just a symptom of what's really going on with the addict.

twolivestouched

Thank makes sense. I know that he is toxic.

I hold on to the idea that maybe.... maybe he will snap out of it....maybe he will get help.....maybe there is hope....maybe...

He is a good dad when he is sober and i find myself finding excuse after excuse to stay. But I am trying to sort out all the years worth of thoughts so that I can make a choice for me and my son.

How did you make the choice to leave? Did you have a support network to help you?

zoso77

If you had a younger sister going through what you're going through right now, what would you want to tell her?

If you know what you're doing is costing you dearly, what is it that stops you from pulling the trigger and getting out of Dodge?

twolivestouched

Zaso 77: I do have a younger sister (much younger but the logic holds). i would tell her that she needs to live a life that she is proud of, and is she proud of the life she has now?

I have thought long and hard about that (almost 3 years of pondering that question) and i dont know if what i come up with is a reson or an excuse. So I just wait for some clarity or that final straw moment. I just dont know that it will ever come...or if it will be to late when it does.

Windmills

I had noone. The relationship was very emotionally/mentally abusive and quite violent in the last 6-8 months and through that I had ended up completely cut off from everyone. Except my sister, I have to say she is amazing.
Anyway, there was a big incident in late August which meant social services became involved. They got me to sign a contract with them which basically said I would leave if he relapsed. He relapsed, stole all my money and acted like a complete *******, threatening and aggressive. I contemplated hiding it but eventually decided enough was enough. I could have got away with it, I still know I wouldn't have come up on SS radar again for a long time but I decided for my own safety and my daughters emotional wellbeing I had to leave. I phoned my social worker and she put it down in the record and also cancelled my tenancy early for me so I could leave without financial consequences. And I left. This was October 31st.
It's been hard. Really really hard. I found FA in December, my first meeting was 3 days before Xmas. I still miss him and I'm doing a lot of work on myself, learning how to deal with him, and I'll admit I struggle. But it's getting easier and today is a good day. Today I'm glad I left because he has been verbally abusive again during visitation and he spat at me and kicked me out of his home. I'm glad I have somewhere to go and I'm glad I'm safe.
That was long winded! I'm in a funny place right now but today I'm so glad I left.

twolivestouched

He is kind, warm, we have converstaions that we lose ourselves in, we laugh about stories from the past..hopes for the future...what our son will be like. We go for walks, have water fights in the kitchen, play board games and change all the rules then 'argue' about how the other broke the rules. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel like I have a place in this world.

Then he gets drunk and shaters that whole perfect world with a bat mad of booze and then I hate myself for falling for the (see above) and getting the same druken ending.

twolivestouched

I am sorry for what you had to go through and I think that it is amazing that you were able to do what you needed to do for you and your daughter. Your a strong woman and I hope that you get some of the joy in your life that you deserve.

I am still in that "fear of the future" stage. He is not abusive really. I mean I know that people will say that he is, but its not in the sense that I think of abuse. So i struggle with thoughts of leaving as being selfish.

Windmills

Why would it ever be selfish to want to be happy? Walking on eggshells and listening to vile words IS abuse. Maybe you don't want to think of it like that? I minimise. I tried to pretend his behaviour was ok, I tried to act like it didn't hurt. And for me, bruises healed. My self esteem is still in the gutter. Emotionally I'm all over the place. Because of the words and horrible things he did.
I'm terrified of the future. It's so scary being a single mum. But between SR and face to face meetings and the wonderful people IRL I can reach out to now, I'm ok. I'm trying to learn to live in today and take each day as it comes. I'm still hurting- a lot. But I want to be happy and he can't make me happy.
You deserve happiness. Not sadness and emotional pain. Where do YOU want to be? What do you want from life?

twolivestouched

I want to be a good mom, I want to be sucessful, I want to live a full and happy life. I need to let my son live his life to the fullest.

I have heard that people say its abuse...but its not the like he hits me or the kids. If he hit me i could see the abuse. But I thought that all men where hard to live with (sorry guys, we girls are hard to live with too) and the fact that he gets drunk sucks, i mean really sucks and changes my whole world. But I dont see it as abuse.

that aside, I do want to be happy and I am not happy now. So I need to leave, right?

twolivestouched

I want to be a good mom, I want to be sucessful, I want to live a full and happy life. I need to let my son live his life to the fullest.

I have heard that people say its abuse...but its not the like he hits me or the kids. If he hit me i could see the abuse. But I thought that all men where hard to live with (sorry guys, we girls are hard to live with too) and the fact that he gets drunk sucks, i mean really sucks and changes my whole world. But I dont see it as abuse.

that aside, I do want to be happy and I am not happy now. So I need to leave, right?

iloveme

Here is the reality!
1. Alcoholism is progressive. It will NOT get better. It will Get WORSE. I am sorry.
2. You are in love with a fantasy. He is an alcoholic. The sooner You accept this the easer it wiil be to move forward.

3. We will be heare for you.
4. You are NOt Alone.
5. I have been there.
6. I hid behind men and there drinking until I decided to own up to mine.
7. I am sorry. You have lost in the midst of this and that is the reality here.
8. God luck, We do not tell you what you want to hear here, just what you need to!!!

Windmills

Do you think he can make you happy? As he is right now?
Even if you think it's not affecting your kids (I thought you had two but night be confused!) it is.
I can't tell you what to do. I think though that if you're here reaching out then you must be in a lot of emotional pain. Which isn't living a full/happy life.
Maybe men are hard to live with.. You know, they're messy or forgetful or never do the washing. I think you deserve more than a man who causes you so much emotional pain and such confusion.

Windmills

Iloveme.. I wouldn't ever tell anyone what they need to do. Just try to help them see the reality of the situation and help them think about what they actually want and need.

YearForMe

Normal.....is.....
He is kind, warm, we have converstaions that we lose ourselves in, we laugh about stories from the past..hopes for the future...what our son will be like. We go for walks, have water fights in the kitchen, play board games and change all the rules then 'argue' about how the other broke the rules. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel like I have a place in this world.

Not Normal is......


Then he gets drunk and shaters that whole perfect world with a bat mad of booze and then I hate myself for falling for the (see above) and getting the same druken ending.

The bad negates the good. Or in other words....you deserve to have the fun part without the drunken part taking "the shine off"