Zaso77: I know that I am afraid. The world is big and scary and I don’t want to do it alone. I know that is a weak way to look at it, but I am terrified to be alone. You said that he can’t love me the way that I should be loved and I cried. I am not really the crying type but that did it. I have loved A LOT of bad people in my life and I really wanted this one to be different. If I leave does that mean that I failed? Thank you for your honesty and friendship.
You know...last fall I read Neil Peart's
Ghost Rider. For those of you who may not know, he's the drummer for Rush. In a 10 month period, he lost his daughter in a car accident and his wife to cancer. What was his way to cope?
Hop on his motorcycle and drive throughout North America...and
see the world. He paid attention to the different birds, the smell of the air, the various landscapes...it was basically a form of mindfulness that probably saved his life.
I guess what I'm saying is please don't be scared of the world. As long as there's air in our lungs, there's always a chance for us to do better. And how do we do better?
Look outward instead of inward. If you're not in Al Anon, please try going to meetings and listening. Get out of your own head. Learn what others have done to survive a loved one's addiction. And while you're going through this horrible time, be good to yourself. Do something simple, like roll down the windows, crank your favorite song, and hop on the highway. Get an ice cream. Find a spa and get a massage. Go to your favorite restaurant with a friend and have a nice meal...
...and reaffirm every single day that you can and you will get through this.
Right now, there's no one in my life. But that doesn't mean I'm lonely, or alone. For me, I'm just working on me and doing the things I need to do to be well. There may come a time where I meet someone again, but if that doesn't happen, I'm OK with that, too. Because there are worse things than being alone...and that's being with someone like my AXGF who will suck the life right out of me.
Be safe. PM me if you want to talk.
Best,
ZoSo