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Old 10-03-2009, 10:53 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=rose;2387481]The best place for this man in this condition is in the hospital.

Hi Rose I appreciate very much your empathy, thank you. Unfortunately, the last time we went to the hospital they wouldn't admit him, and sent us to another hospital to meet with a plastic surgeon, who basically signed him up for home wound care, which my friend did not follow up on even though we were one block from the intake appointment and he refused to go in.

Last week I found out he could get home care in the new area I just moved to but it required a requisition from a doctor, which I cannot get until he goes to a doctor.

So admitting him to the hospital is not all that easy. An alternative perhaps I am looking into and he also has thought of is somehow getting admitted to the mental ward, I will be looking into that with a social worker at a hospital soon.
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Old 10-03-2009, 11:17 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I'm surprised that when they arrested him they didn't force him into the hospital for wound care before booking. That's what they would do here. Maybe he knew that and didn't tell the booking officers, so that he could get out as quickly as possible. I'm sorry you feel that you are responsible. You ask what I think is an interesting question "Are we supposed to have any expectation of getting something in a relationship?" Yes, I think we can expect our relationship with a significant other to be a partnership, a two-way street. Of course there will be times when you are more the giver, then others when you are getting. Nothing is exactly 50/50, of course. But it shouldn't consistently be you giving and your "partner" taking. He is not your child, after all, he is supposed to be your man. It's a wonderful feeling to be with a man who can help you, take care of you when you are ill, someone you can rely on, just as he relies on you. And you deserve that type of relationship.

I understand where you are now. Most of us have been there, too. You may have a lower bottom than some, but that doesn't mean you can't recover from your codependency and one day live a healthy life with more healthy relationships (there is no perfection here, just progress!). We do recover.

I keep hearing people ask you "Will you go to an Alanon meeting?" Have I missed the answer? What are you willing to do for your recovery? It does not need to wait until you finish your journey with this man for you to begin your own recovery. I'm adding you to my nightly prayers.

Love,
KJ
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Old 10-03-2009, 01:15 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Too bad it's easier to get drugs delieverd than a doctor to come visit.
What a sad but true commentary. It is amazing to me how so many of us are LEFT to deal with these very serious problems ALONE. I agree with posters above; call social services and let them get the medical and daily life assistance he needs. In MD, if you call Social Services, they will send a nurse out to the home. You are putting yourself in a precarious legal position by not doing so (remember the man whose girlfriend would not leave the bathroom?)
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Old 10-03-2009, 02:05 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Hi Faithfully,

Disclaimer: I say this with the best intentions.

It seems you have made up your mind on what is best for you and your addict husband, however, you are sticking to the term "loving him to death."

Are you willing to live with the weight of his death being your complete and full responsibility? (I word it this way because you have mentioned above that you feel guilty that you aren't helping him). I would think that would be more hellish than what you are going through now.

As far as his medical condition, if he's that bad off, you can have him committed to a hospital against his will by calling 911 and having mobile crisis come out to the home and assess his mental status and his ability to care for himself. If he's that far gone, they will have no choice but to take him to the hospital and then possibly psychiatric care afterwards.

I'm just not sure what it will take for you to detach from this man other than his own death.

I hope you will find peace with this situation and somehow get some support for yourself. You have way to consumed yourself in another human being who couldn't even give two s***** about himself.

You are in my prayers tonight. (((HUGS))))
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Old 10-03-2009, 05:12 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
I'm surprised that when they arrested him they didn't force him into the hospital for wound care before booking. That's what they would do here. Maybe he knew that and didn't tell the booking officers, so that he could get out as quickly as possible. I'm sorry you feel that you are responsible. You ask what I think is an interesting question "Are we supposed to have any expectation of getting something in a relationship?" Yes, I think we can expect our relationship with a significant other to be a partnership, a two-way street. Of course there will be times when you are more the giver, then others when you are getting. Nothing is exactly 50/50, of course. But it shouldn't consistently be you giving and your "partner" taking. He is not your child, after all, he is supposed to be your man. It's a wonderful feeling to be with a man who can help you, take care of you when you are ill, someone you can rely on, just as he relies on you. And you deserve that type of relationship.

I understand where you are now. Most of us have been there, too. You may have a lower bottom than some, but that doesn't mean you can't recover from your codependency and one day live a healthy life with more healthy relationships (there is no perfection here, just progress!). We do recover.

I keep hearing people ask you "Will you go to an Alanon meeting?" Have I missed the answer? What are you willing to do for your recovery? It does not need to wait until you finish your journey with this man for you to begin your own recovery. I'm adding you to my nightly prayers.

Love,
KJ
Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
I'm surprised that when they arrested him they didn't force him into the hospital for wound care before booking. That's what they would do here. Maybe he knew that and didn't tell the booking officers, so that he could get out as quickly as possible. I'm sorry you feel that you are responsible. You ask what I think is an interesting question "Are we supposed to have any expectation of getting something in a relationship?" Yes, I think we can expect our relationship with a significant other to be a partnership, a two-way street. Of course there will be times when you are more the giver, then others when you are getting. Nothing is exactly 50/50, of course. But it shouldn't consistently be you giving and your "partner" taking. He is not your child, after all, he is supposed to be your man. It's a wonderful feeling to be with a man who can help you, take care of you when you are ill, someone you can rely on, just as he relies on you. And you deserve that type of relationship.

I understand where you are now. Most of us have been there, too. You may have a lower bottom than some, but that doesn't mean you can't recover from your codependency and one day live a healthy life with more healthy relationships (there is no perfection here, just progress!). We do recover.

I keep hearing people ask you "Will you go to an Alanon meeting?" Have I missed the answer? What are you willing to do for your recovery? It does not need to wait until you finish your journey with this man for you to begin your own recovery. I'm adding you to my nightly prayers.

Love,
KJ
y
Thank you, for understanding. Your words lower bottom than some and I can start my recovery now are helpful, thank you for adding me to your prayers.
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Old 10-03-2009, 05:18 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
What a sad but true commentary. It is amazing to me how so many of us are LEFT to deal with these very serious problems ALONE. I agree with posters above; call social services and let them get the medical and daily life assistance he needs. In MD, if you call Social Services, they will send a nurse out to the home. You are putting yourself in a precarious legal position by not doing so (remember the man whose girlfriend would not leave the bathroom?)
Hi, I don't know about the story about the man whose girlfriend would not leave the bathroom and didn't realize I could be in precarious legal position. I have called so many social services agencies, the only choice I have is to call car 86 if I think he is of harm to himself or others and is of not right mind, then a cop and psychiatric nurse will come for assessment. Sort of what you are talking about. The 2 conditions are as I stated above. It is my last resort. My first baby step today is to say NO to giving him any money. Please tell me the story though as I am not aware.
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Old 10-03-2009, 05:28 PM
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My mom is a utter mess, and insists that others have to take care of her. I did it for years. I believed her that she was always a victim, and she was injured, and she needed help...etc., etc. I have learned after many years that nothing that I can do will save her. She will continue down her destructive path on her own. She is also a drug addict. I have tried rescuing her, I've tried nursing her, I've tried calling the doctors, the mental health board, etc. The thing is, none of it ever helps. In reality, my mom survives very well on her own by using other people--whether or not I'm around.

I'm telling you this, because I feel that your situation is very similar. It is not your responsibility to save him. It sounds like he is not interested in saving himself, so there is nothing you can do for him. He is manipulating you. He is trying to convince you that you are responsible for his actions. In reality, he is responsible for his actions. Period.

I think it is very important for you to focus on taking care of your health and wellness. You just can't keep up this pace forever--feeling like you are responsible for everything around you.
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Old 10-03-2009, 05:50 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=bluebelle;2388150]He is trying to convince you that you are responsible for his actions.

Yes I feel this a lot and I really try to be calm and explain that I have tried to help get him to doctors etc. Thanks for sharing your experience with your mother, it does help. I am responsible mostly for enabling him, giving him money. It's going to be difficult but I am going to say NO to that request, which will be coming today or tomorrow. I am prepared to leave, even temporarily, to fulfill that.
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Old 10-03-2009, 08:22 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Hey Faithfully, Sorry, I didn't realize you were in the U.K. There was a man here in the U.S. whose girlfriend would not come out of the bathroom for YEARS. I think FINALLY the man called 9-1-1 (emergency here in the States) and after he did, I believe the State's Attorney where he lived filed charges against him for failing to contact the authorities.

I'm not trying to scare you or anything; I just thought I would mention it because your situation brought it to mind for me. I have no idea whether or not you may be in a precarious legal situation but you may want to go ahead and just call car 86 and let the NURSE come and let HER decide what he needs. That way, at least you have done the proper thing in the eyes of the authorities. And heck! You might get some help taking care of him. That would provide some relief for you.

Please take care of yourself and perhaps get some help for YOU in taking care of your hubby. We at Sober Recovery are here to support you no matter what you decide. So keep on sharing!
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Old 10-03-2009, 09:12 PM
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Baby Steps Faithfully! Most of us have done things to enable our addict that we can't believe we did. We did these things out of love and compassion, like you would do for someone you care about. Only thing, with an addict, it turns into giving, giving, giving, while they do nothing to help themselves. We continue to do things for them because we think we are helping.... if we just do this or that, they'll get better and things will be normal again. Eventually, we become as sick as the addict. It just turns into a life full of chaos.

Forgive yourself, Faithfully. You've done the best you could with what you knew at the time. Now you're learning more about addiction and enabling and setting boundaries, you can make the changes needed and move forward to giving yourself a life full of PEACE, JOY and SERENITY. You are worth it... keep telling yourself YOU are worth it!

Keep reading and posting, Faithfully. Try to get to an Al-anon meeting for face to face support if you can.:ghug3
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:00 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=Learn2Live;2388309]Hey Faithfully, call car 86 and let the NURSE come and let HER decide what he needs.

I wish it was just a nurse, but a cop comes along too, and it's a psyhiatric nurse, otherwise I would have done it before. I don't want him being put into a mental hospital, they can abuse people in those places. If I have to I will, though. In the meantime for today, I have to be strong and not give into giving him money. He will be asking me for it pretty soon as he's had 2 days off and has been in bed resting. I know the question will be coming soon, then the fuss, then the demands and the fits.
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:05 AM
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Here it comes

The moaning and groaning has started already, he's up and the dragon awakens. I know he's going to ask me soon. God grant me the strength.
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:13 AM
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I'm grateful to you, faithfully, that even in your despair you took the time to thank me for talking with you here. You are a sensitive and kind woman, that much is very clear.

Having said that, I have to point something out to you that may be upsetting. Baby-steps are appropriate in some situations. But I believe, if I am hearing you right, that your man is in dire straights.

There doesn't sound like there is time for baby-steps in your situation. I'd have to say, take a giant leap in this situation. You certainly don't want to wake up next to a man who died in his sleep. I know this sounds awful, but I'm saying it here to maybe urge you to take the action it will take to keep it from actually happening in real life. If he has a blood infection from gangrenous limbs, it is quite possible that he will die. You are a sensitive woman, and this would be hard for you to bear. I don't think you'd forgive yourself easily, though it wouldn't be your fault. So, to keep this from happening, why not take a real big step, here and now.

Either:
a) Move out, forcing him to seek outside help, just as he did before, he will do again.
And you will be trusting him to the care of the God of your understanding. We will all pray together that he will make a complete recovery.
Or:
b) Call social services and the police and get them to come out. In our state, Maryland, they have a line called crisis intervention, that will actually come out and talk the person into treatment, gently. I don't know if they have that in Canada? But anyway, call SSI and the police, and get the ball rolling.
Or:
c) (And this is my favorite option for you) Do both. Call SSI and the police, then when they come out, if he refuses to go with the nurse to the hospital, or to go to rehab, whichever they recommend, then leave. You will have done all you can do.

I'm sorry, I just think that in your situation, you are going to feel so bad if you don't do one of these two things and he dies. I don't want that to happen to you. Time for big-girl steps, my dear, so hitch up those big-girl panties, and get to stepping. We are all here routing for you and praying for you. Take care of you.

Love,
KJ
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:19 AM
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And PS, faithfully, the people who are abused in mental wards, which is statistically unusual anyway, are mostly the incoherent basket-cases who can't report the abuse. Your man doesn't sound like a good candidate to be abused, so I wouldn't worry about that. What could they do to him that would be worse than what he is doing to himself, anyway?
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:21 AM
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The moaning and groaning has started already, he's up and the dragon awakens. I know he's going to ask me soon. God grant me the strength.
Can you run out and do a bit of shopping? Maybe pick up something nice for dinner. Treat yourself. You don't have to be there to listen.
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post

I don't want him being put into a mental hospital, they can abuse people in those places.

What exactly could possibly happen, in a hospital, that is worse for him, than his current situation?

It almost sounds as though you might feel you are the only one who has the power to heal him.
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Old 10-11-2009, 03:28 PM
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It almost sounds as though you might feel you are the only one who has the power to heal him.[/QUOTE]

Only him, God and possibly professionals can heal him, not me. All I can do is drive him to hospital, feed him, do his laundry, put roof over his head, clean up his room etc That's more than any hospital will do at the moment.

I can help advocate for home health care etc. call every social service in town for help, call the nurse's line etc and that is all. No I do not have curative powers, why everyone thinks I'm such an egotist I don't know. I"M NOT, But if he's not willing to follow through on his health care, I can't. Two times this week at hospital and he won't go in. I give up. The hard line is to call the police/psychiatric car 86, If I say the word ambulance he goes into a rage. This is not an easy decision, I'm sorry it just isn't. But at this point, there really is nothing more I can do
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Old 10-11-2009, 04:10 PM
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Where are YOU in all this? When do YOU get to have a LIFE? I just think that you are waiting for this man to die, and then you will start your life. But what if he doesn't die soon? How long are you going to stay in this situation. And do you realize that it is affecting you? You almost sound numb to me, like you have no emotion left in you, just a hollowness, a dullness about the whole situation, and about life. You sound tired, unhappy, and ready to be done with this. Why not just give yourself permission to be done now, before he dies. He is making the choice to not get treatment in the hospital. One bad experience doesn't mean that is what is going to happen the next time, but again, it's his business, his life, his pain, not yours. You really have done WAY more than most people and it HASN'T helped him one bit. Maybe it's time to say to yourself, "I deserve to be happy too. I am making good choices and not doing drugs. I don't deserve to be this unhappy one day longer."

Many of us have had to walk away from a loved one or friend who was in pain, either physical or emotional, because we knew that there was nothing more WE could do to help them, and that STAYING in the situation was harming US.

I encourage you to really take a look at yourself in the mirror, give yourself permission to walk away and let him survive or not survive, and remind yourself that life is short, and precious, and you aren't getting younger, you are getting older each year. And you may need a year or two to process and get through this past relationship before you truly enjoy life again. Why not just start today? Why wait for him? Why let him call all the shots for YOUR life? You don't really owe that to another person, especially an active addict who has no intention of changing.

Just think about it. Look at yourself long and hard, and just think about it. Today is as good a day as any to make this change. For YOU.
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:24 AM
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faithfully:

in your first sentence you say that you think there were people on this forum before who did not like you?

I'm curious - is it because you got on here time and again with the drama, was not willing to do anything about it (paralleling your addict), and people started catching on and calling you on it?

Mind you, i do not remember you. I'm just taking an educated guess here. If this is the case, you're not the only one. I've seen other posters come on here, tell their story, get all kinds of advice, then go away for a long time only to get on again with the same drama only this time there are lots of new posters who take precious time out of their day giving advice not realizing the original poster has heard this all before.

You say you've been on here before, so you've heard everything that there is to offer here.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:14 AM
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Yes I guess I have been whining too much,

Last edited by faithfully; 10-12-2009 at 10:15 AM. Reason: sent to wrong post it was meant for another person
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