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Can anyone relate?

Old 10-02-2009, 12:07 PM
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Can anyone relate?

I haven't been here in a long time and I think some of

you may not have liked me, but things have gotten

worse I guess to be expected. I've been living with an

addict for over 12 years. he is very sick and I think he's

dying. He got major skin graph surgeries in 2007 when

the hospital skinned him alive and said they were

trying to save him from loosing his limbs to flesh eating

disease. I had left him at the time to go back home

across country as I couldn't stand the hell anymore. He

had been sick for a year with boils that the doctors just

didn't do anything about.

I've been living with him and taking care of him for 2

years as he can't walk to well, can't clean up after

himself and is in suffering contstant agony. he won't got

to doctors, he says they can't do anything and that he

tried getting treatment when i was away, he ended up

being released fromt he hospital with no home and

ended up in a shelter. The treatments including IV

antibiotics didn't work and he gave up, as they told him

the infection was in his blood. independent. I tried

getting him once to plastic surgeon and they wanted to

start him on wound care but he didn't want to. he has

open wounds that won't heal. The only thing that

relieves his pain is crack, and he needs it daily. I cannot see him go throught his pain. He says doctors won't give him pain killers as he's on methadone. It's true doctors don't understand that people on methadone when very sick and in chronic pain don't get relief from methadone. he says he can't go to doctors and he can't unless I take him and when I offer to he says no. He won't let me call an ambulance or even say ambulance as that's how he got the surgeries forced upon him in the first place, when I was away across country. I came back within 3 months and never should have left, as it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't left him.

I get mad at myself becuase he is financially draining me and I'm in debt and he won't go get help or get his disability, I have to advocate for him obviusly. Everyone thinks I'm being used but no one understand he's dying and is is so much pain. I left once and he almost died and is now doomed to suffer from the surgeries, as much as I daily want to run away from ther misery, being woken up for money in the middle of the night and the stress, I know he has no family and no other support. I keep denying he is sick thinking that if he stops drugs and goes to doctors he can be helped but he doesn't think so. And now I'm starting to think it's hopeless. I'm calling social services and get no help, he has to go to a doctor and only i can make decisions for me I can't force medical care on him. So I come here to write and people here think I'm a horrible enabler but they don't live with someone in chronic pain who is dying. Just thought I'd try again. I feel so bad when I get mad at him, I am too selfish because when people are sick like that you need to be patient. I've tried most of the time to be nice and just find the money to pay for his pain relief and that it barely works anymore
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Old 10-02-2009, 12:38 PM
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Welcome!!!

While I can't relate to the specifics of your story, I can relate to being involved with a crack addict not in recovery and draining myself-an important admission, my choice, she was just doing what crack addicts do-emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.

You will probably hear this from some recovering crack addicts in this forum, they will tell you, walk-or run-away and don't look back. I would agree with that advice 100%.

And you may want to meet up with a wonderful group of people, at a place called Alanon, great support, they will teach you how to live.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 10-02-2009, 12:40 PM
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The crack is what's killing him. And it sounds like it's killing you too.

You are not a doctor. And crack is NOT a medication. And he needs it every day because he is an addict. Not because he is dying.

I used to love to smoke dope for everything. It was a great weightloss pill. A stress reliever. A mood enhancer. Helped when I had a toothache. Got rid of my colds. I didn't have stomach aches. I never felt hungry. I didn't feel lonely. (as long as I was high...) Crack kept me from taking care of myself properly and making wise decisions.

I'm SO greatful I didn't have the ultimate enabler who would buy me my dope, feel sorry for me because my life sucked and take care of me when I was sick. I'd probably still be using...

Are you doing anything for yourself right now or are you living to try to save a crack addict from the natural consequences of his lifestyle choices?
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:20 PM
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I agree with Kitty. It's not that crack relieves pain, it's that crack makes you forget what the hell you were thinking of...makes you not deal with anything.

It's not that people don't like you, sweetie. It just gets frustrating to some to see anyone so blatantly taken for granted and emotionally and financially abused as you are and you can't see it. It's not my place to judge you.

I can only tell you that when I was on crack, I got through MRSA infections, abscessed teeth, a broken cheek bone, a broken collar bone and other things and never felt a thing...NOT because it's a pain reliever but because crack is like an anesthetic to your brain....you just don't give a damn, except in getting more.

I truly hope you get hope for yourself soon. If is going to die, it will be with, or without, you and it will be from the crack and lack of medical care that HE is refusing because the crack is numbing his brain. There are too many recovering addicts on this board who ARE dealing with chronic, and often severe, pain and they do it with methadone or what they work out with their doctor, but I assure you, they don't do it with crack.

Crack is a one way street to a dead end. I know.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:20 PM
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I think I remember you or someone else here has a very similar story.

If the infection is in his bloodstream and without antibiotics, he is certainly dying or should already be dead.

You said he won't let you make a phone call, but as ill as he is, I don't know how he could literally stop you. Everything you're doing, or not, is your choice.

It seems like you've decided to accept his impending death and don't want to abandon him, are trying to find the strength to stay and nurse him through to the horrible end. When did you give up on trying to save him?
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:26 PM
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Simply put…
One who uses drugs is at risk of dying, those who provide the funds for it are essentially helping them to get there faster…

So as you sit and think and worry and obsess that he is dying, maybe you should look at how you might be helping out there…


I have to advocate for him obviously.
Why???? Is he not a grown man who can advocate for himself…Has he not made it clear that he doesn’t want help…well unless it is the kind you are providing…which would lead to the next question, what are you helping him actually do?

He says doctors won't give him pain killers as he's on methadone.
Might be important to pay attention to the “he says“….he says….him the one who won’t go to doctors because crack kills the pain…oh it is killing the pain but I am not sure the kind you are thinking of…

Oh and I have to ask, flesh eating virus, boils…the needle dancing about??? Cause if it is well you might have the answer as to why he is where he is…

I keep denying he is sick thinking that if he stops drugs and goes to doctors he can be helped but he doesn't think so.
Well he is sick, that is obvious, physically, mentally…and if he chooses to stop the drugs then he might not be…
And maybe it would be in your best interest to figure out how well/healthy you are. Those who watch tend to be just as sick as if not sicker than the addicts in their lives. Just because you don’t have boils all over and aren’t in the pain you see him in doesn’t mean you don’t need help and right NOW! This will destroy all of you and sadly you will be the only one to blame for that.

I would bet that those that see you as being used, and being an enabler aren’t really that wrong. But what I would love to see is a post from you all about you, what you have been through … why you think you are where you are today, and what you can do to help yourself because there isn’t a damn thing you can to help him and he doesn’t want any help unless it is to get the next fix for the moment…Remove him totally and look at your life, is this where you want to be, are you god by chance, so above all and so in control that you can save him…think about it how does one save another when they themselves don’t want to be saved. How does one save when they are giving cash so the one they “love, so care about” can use it to buy drugs, drugs known to take lives at a moments notice….find the common sense in this and try not to stay stuck in the chaos and insanity addiction is famous for a can’t survive without…

Seek and find who really needs to be saved in this.
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:29 PM
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Thank you for your support, I hope to hell I haven't given up on trying to save him, I feel like sometimes I am and then I'm mad at myself for resenting him and feeling angry. I cannot make him go to a doctor and when the ambulance shows up he could refuse treatment anyways. Thank you for explaining how crack can numb the pain. I think I will have to get out of the way, obviously, even though I give him roof, food, clean and take care of him, I'm still not doing the right thing. He wants me to stay till the bitter end and he feels it is inevitable. I don't want to give up hope and accept his impending death but when I see how sick he really is, I am not sure I have a choice. We once went to hospital and they dressed his wounds and he ripped them off the minute we got home.
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:40 PM
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Thanks again

I appreciate your replies. I realize I am likely pretty sick and don't want to destroy him by giving him drugs to relieve his pain. I will have to remove myself, even though last time I did that he ended up in the hospital. This is the saddest thing, as all sickness and disease are. Myself I have lost most of my ability to be happy. But I take pleasure in simple things in life, like walking my dog and being around trees in nature. I try to thank God and be grateful for what I do have. I work as hard as I can but I smoke to many cigarettes and try to have some beers to relieve my anxiety. As you can imagine, I am very busy most of the time. I don't want to give him money but he doesn't take no for an answer. My only option is to leave and sleep at a friends or in my car, and I've had to do that more than once, that's for sure.
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
I will have to remove myself, even though last time I did that he ended up in the hospital.
If you really haven't given up trying to save him, then PLEASE remove yourself immediately, because his life depends on hospitalization. Within a day or two of you being gone and not providing him with drugs, he'll be begging for the ambulance.

I know I'm supposed to help you focus on yourself first, but his life is in imminent danger
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:00 PM
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What do you dream about faithfully? What would you like your life to be like?
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:14 PM
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I am very afraid for him and will have to remove myself tonight or tomorrow. I will not give him any more money until I leave. I do not want him to be in danger and this frightens me horribly. He figures he will have to have his leg amputated if he goes to the hospital. I realize I am a sick codependent but this situation has thrown me for a loop. I am happy when i am alone with my dog except for the guilt I feel at what I've done to destroy both of our lives.
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
except for the guilt I feel at what I've done to destroy both of our lives.
You have done nothing to destroy his life.
He did that all by himself.
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:39 PM
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I am not sure God will ever forgive me. All I want is peace in my lifeand God's forgiveness. And I pray for him to be healed:praying
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Old 10-02-2009, 03:45 PM
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Going in circles

I don't want to save him, just help and not abandon, I realize I'm hurting not helping, they won't admit him to the hospital, but tried to set up wound care at home but he refused. I can remove myself but will still need to make sure he is fed, clothed, etc. He cannot do this for himself alot of the time. He has no way of eating, no money and no way to get around except for a motorized bike I got him. Guess he's not like any ordinary crack addict because he won't sell it. I have tried and offered to pay for rehab, but he won't go and rehab people say he has to want to go I can't force him
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:01 PM
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(((Hugs)))

The rehab is right. I'm afraid you have taken on the impossible task of helping someone who doesn't really want to be helped. He will keep using and you will keep helping him do that. Eventually he will die. We all do.

I hope you find help for yourself so you can learn how to enjoy your life more and feel happy inside. Don't give up. You are a worthwhile person.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:04 PM
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He cannot feed or dress himself?

He's on Methadone? Was he abusing pain pills or heroin? Who pays for this and how does he get his daily dose?

Where does the crack come from? Is it delivered or does he find the strength to go out and get it?

It sounds like a premature death is likely to be the outcome of his choices.
What might be the outcome, if you chose to reclaim your life?

Is there a difference?
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
I don't want to save him, just help and not abandon, I realize I'm hurting not helping, they won't admit him to the hospital, but tried to set up wound care at home but he refused.
If he needs an amputation the hospital will take him.

And you're right about going around in circles. You keep changing your mind about what it is you're trying to do and finding excuses for why leaving is bad. You're spinning around so fast it's like watching someone with vertigo

Please save yourself. He doesn't want to be saved and you can't make him.

You're in my prayers.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:29 PM
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I mean this in the kindest way possible, given the situation....

Is it possible, that you need him to need you?
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:36 PM
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Crack is what is killing him. How does he get it if he is so ill? Are you providing it?

Please just save yourself. If he can't even feed himself and you worry about him, you can call the POLICE or adult protective services. You are not the help he needs, especailly if help = providing crack to a dying addict.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:40 PM
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He abused drugs before I met him, but I don't think he was ever totally into heroin, or maybe he was and into crack too. Guess he liked both. Got perscribed methadone on my mother's recommendation (she was a doctor) maybe biggest mistake ever I'm not sure. He was in pain then as by then and the time I met him he had Hep C from shooting whatever, heroin, coke or both maybe.

He gets drugs delivered, same with methadone.

Too bad it's easier to get drugs delieverd than a doctor to come visit.
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