drainedwife

Don't know about any of you, but i am sick and tired of hearing me over and over again about how scared I am, and depressed and I cant deal with this, and feeling sorry for myself.....and I sometimes feel like I cant take it anymore and I just want to give up...I am not living, only surviving...I feel very very alone in this world....

Somtimes i tell myself that things could be worse....that i should be thankful that my kids are healthy and that I am healthy and at least they have me that they can count on.

I just am so depressed and I cant get out of it. I went from having a full-time job to a part time job to no job.... I quit my full-time job thinking that everything was ok with my ah---he has only stopped using for 3 months...stupid me....then he went back to using memorial day weekend..I feel that because of his ego, and because he cannot look at himself, he will never, ever admit that he needs help.

I guess I am just writing this to vent.....I need to feel better and sometimes this helps. I havent been to meetings in a while...i dont know if they ever really helped me.

I just wanted to know what you do when you are so scared and depressed. What is it exactly that i am so scared of?? I think it is "being alone" my therapist wants me to write about it and really think about so that at our next session we can talk about it. I myself, am not sure, except that I dont think i have the strength to make it alone. I am so tired, and I dont even think I am smart enough to get and keep a full-time job that pays decently. i have never been on my own, i lived with my mom until i got married. I have no backbone, no faith in myself. I have been married almost 16 years and with my ah for about 20 years. I have never been with anyone else seriously. I have very little self esteem. I have no family to help me, no one strong to be by my side and support me.

Again, I just wanted to vent, to get this out, to reach out and hope someone hears my cries for help. I know I have to be strong for my girls, and i am trying, but it all seems too overwhelming for me......

thanks for listening-----

Drained....in nj

best

At such times I look up.

Times such as that show me who is in control and I find that when I let go and let God....things change.

:praying

cmc

I've been going to meetings for many years and during the times when I stopped going, I found out, the hard way, that I really needed to be there. Al-Anon is about face to face support...if I'm not present I'm not giving or sharing my recovery. Reading the books and learning about it are not enough for me.
I myself find little support aside from this site and my Al-Anon friends. I find that it's up to me to find ways to fill my need of support and friendship.
It might be a good idea to have a checkup with your GP to make sure that all is well with you physically and maybe you can talk to him/her about how you are feeling so sad.
Please take good care of yourself.

hello-kitty

I stay in the now. I stop worrying about what has happened in the past. I stop projecting what might happen in the future. I focus on exactly what I need to do to get through the hour. I give myself permission to feel bad.

It's only temporary and this too shall pass are key quotes that run through my mind during the tough times.

(((hugs)))

PS... if you think it's really serious chronic depression, please be brave enough to see a doctor.

IPT

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. As I read your post a story came into my head, "The little train that could" I think you will be suprised at what you can accomplish all on your own. Start with small things and realize these things take time. I agree with above that you should see your doc. Maybe there is something they could do to help you - even if it's just showing you support and caring. Good luck.

wendyarb

:prayingI'm sorry you're feeling so scared and depressed. But if you think about it, you have accomplished things that you should be proud of, so you ARE capable of doing good in your life. Just know that talking about it helps. Those that are here going thru similiar situations will try to help you as much as we can, but it's up to you to continue to love yourself. You're not in denial of how you feel and you can do something about it, just push yourself b/c you are the only one that can change how YOU feel, no one else is going to do that for you. Go to meetings, it will help you somehow. Be open. Post as much as you can and people will respond, we all care. We are all here to help each other out. You're not alone. And don't think about ending it all, think about your kids and your family, they need you as much as you need them. It's tough, but I think situations like this make us tougher and you'll look back one day and think, I made it, I survived! Good Luck drainedwife and I wish that you overcome these feelings!

Abundance

Drained......

I am in a depression right now too.... but I'm working my way out of it. But when I'm in the throws of it all.. there is no making sense to me. Essentially, what I'm doing is throwing my arms in the air to see what the Universe is going to bring me.... and I am so grateful that it comes. It comes to me at meetings, aa or alanon, music, friends, family, my boys, books, articles..etc. I do have to go out of my box for these things, which is really the hardest part. To pick up the phone when it rings, respond to an email, come to SR, go to a meeting... it ALL takes effort, it just depends on where you are at in your depression that some are harder than others.

The hardest part for me is just DOING IT. How do I know that? Because when I think and think and think and think about doing it....... it takess SO MUCH ENERGY. And then when it comes time to doing it..... it doesn't get done!

Start with something small that you can do and finish completely... let yourself see the end results. But start by taking baby steps. I know you have so much swirling up there in your mind and you're feeling so overwhelmed, that is okay.... you are going to be okay! Okay? You aren't going to feel like this forever.

Your therapist has a good idea... but I would also journal at the end of the night about what made you feel good... what are you thankful for? Close your day with thinking about ONLY the positive... if anything negative comes up... push it away..... FIGHT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND!

I'd also start with removing all negativity out of your life... for example even your screen name.... you are seeing yourself as being "drained".

This is not going to lift instantaneously or maybe it will? But over time..... it really will make a difference.

When my hands are in the air, and I'm giving it to my HP, I look for those life instructions that are being given to me..... pay attention to those!

Today or even right now, think about at least 2 good things about you. Even if it's that you have long eyelashes... whatever it is. Just something good.

StillLearning1

(((drained)))
Many good ideas above. I especially like abundance's on removing the negatives.

By the way I find that when I am having one of those days (seems like years). I am usually having a case of the *stupid me's* and surrounded by others who are more than happy to point it out.

This is a *lesson* my sponser gave to me on one of those days. I was supposed to write down every and anything anyone had ever said to me about some positive I had.
I thought of 3 things... when she called back it didn't take long to go through the list. Then she said, "hmmm one thing I've never found you to be was ungrateful. so no one has said anything good? Not even me?"
She knows me well- suddenly I could remember a lot more!!
That's my go to.. on those days I can't do it for myself, need some encouragement!
Works for me, may want to try it.
1. StillLearning really respects me for my honesty, that takes a lot of courage!!

HopeandPrayer

Drained, I know the feelings you are expressing.

I have found that for me to get thru each day, I do what I can to turn my situation around fnancially and pray my way thru the rest.

I have gone broke taking care of my RAS, he is doing great now, but I have been evicted from one apartment and if my financial aid doesn't come thru soon might get kicked out of this one. I am currently searching for a 2nd job that will work around my school schedule and my second job. I have very littl food in the house but always seem to find something to eat so I dont' wither away, which will take alot, LOL.

I guess what I am trying to say is if taking one day at a time is too long, try getting thru one hour at time, look at the positive things you have going for you ( your kids, determination, and strength) and focus on those. Concentrate on what you want for the near future, like the next day or next hour, and let the rest work itself out.

God has a plan that we don't always know about, but if we are patient HE always shows himself when we need him the most. I am so sorry you are going thru this, I am praying for you and your kids, big hugs to you all. Try to get some sleep that might also help as I know when we are tired our coping skills are diminished.
Barb:praying

beegee

Sometimes when money is a problem a therapist is out of the question. So as hard as it is you have to start thinking of positive things about you, your life. It may seem bleak right now, I know I am still very unsettled inside about things my ad sold or stold from me. I know I will never be in a comfortable position again financially infact there are days with little food here also.
But if I cry it does no good,I still cry but not as much as I want. I try to be hopeful for myself first and things always have a way of working out. If I have gone through what I have and made it I can get through this. There are programs that will train you for jobs because it happens to women all the time. Suddenly they have to go out and earn a living.You need to look around what your state offers. And like above someone said take one good thing a day and think about it and think positive, you will be amazed how different your day will be when you reflect good things. It's like having your hair done as to having it a mess, you always feel good when your hair is nice or your dressed nice. Having good feelings will do the same. I mean it doesn't happen over night but you have to work at it a little at a time, day by day.

fndngserenity

I was not married to an AH but I was in a bad relationship for 12 years. I ended up staying for five years thinking it was what was best for my daughter. I cried every day and sank into a deep depression. I thought I could never be without her and would never be able to make it on my own. I had never been alone. I hated myself.
All that I can tell you is that you are strong, you are smart and God won't give you anything you can't handle. When I first moved out it was very hard, I cried all the time because I was so utterly alone.
I started praying a lot and took some time to think about the kind of person that I wanted to be. I always saw myself as being kind, loving, caring, loyal and pure. I never felt I was like that but it was who I wanted to be.
I am there now. I got there by praying and talking with God and being honest with myself. I joined this forum the end of July and I cannot tell you the amazing changes I have gone through by just listening to other peoples journeys and talking to other members. There is so much good advice on here. I think this is a good place for you to start. I also find much peace of mind and serenity in the Book "Courage to Change". It is very inspiring and motivating. My boyfriend was addicted to painkillers. He is on sub now. He is still very addicted to the sub and weaning down slowly. He has been drinking a lot lately. That is actually where he is tonight.
I fell in love with him before I knew what was going on with him. I sank into such a deep depression again feeling scared and worried all of the time because he has tried to commit suicide in the past several times.
I don't worry so much now. I know God is there for me and I have chosen to let go of my fears and worries and give them to God. This has helped me more than I can ever say. If you have a higher power, talk to him/her. It will help.
Good luck - don't give up......God gives us the strength we need to overcome all things thrust upon us.
Take care and keep your chin up.

littlebird77

I listen to podcasts, I read A LOT about the neuroscience of this disease we are exposed to. I also clean... I'll clean my house up and down... I take a bath, and do my nails... I just try to do little things. Its so much easer if you think small. Just do something really small... go outside and walk around the block, or just stand outside and take in the air. Some people like the sun, and taking it in. I'm a nighttime girl. I love sitting outside in the night and just listening to the silence (well I live in the city, but it much more quite at night hehe) I also love this board. You will find a lot of comfort here.

this is the podcast i listen to most:

Recovery Broadcast Network AA speaker meetings audio recovery resources relapse prevention

littlebird77

oh, and my two cats give me a lot of joy. having a pet is the most wonderful gift.

Done_With_It

One of the things I do when I'm about to lose my mind is run and life weights....
It helps alot when I'm feeling powerless.

Bean

Your life sounds right where mine was 5mnths ago! Been with ah for 12 years 2 amazing little children. I had never been on my own and was so scared to even think about it. One morning I had one of those "ah ha" moments and I realized I was ALONE for years-I had been taking care of me and the kids ALONE!! It was sooooo empowering to realize how much I was doing completely alone. It was in that moment I decided to leave-for my children and myself. I'm not saying leave him.....well I am I guess-sorry!! But I'm just saying take an iventory of your day to day life and truley ask yourself-"am I doing this alone" not just concrete things like the dealing with the children, but on an emotional and physical level!! Emotionally you are alone at the moment-he cannot be providing much while in active addiction other then adding to your stress level!! You are alone my dear and frankly your doing a damn fine job!!
Take Care!!!!!!!!!!!

Chino

You have us

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my daughter when she went into rehab:

You are never alone. Even though miles separate us, you are always in our hearts.

splendra

I have been trying to understand my fear too. I know intellectually and spiritually that there is nothing to fear. I think it is my emotions that get to me. Emotionally when I am dealing with my H I draw back into the times when I was a child and had no choices. The way my H controls me is thru emotional cr@p.

He is violent in the expression of his anger. I know I could kick his ass 10 ways to Sunday. The only way I won't kick his ass is if I react to his anger as I did when I was a child when my mom would get angry. I do not like the way he throws stuff and bangs on the furniture, stomps and fumes. If I bring up what I consider to be the issues he gets this way. I feel like I will get violent when he gets like this cause then I want to kick his ass. I do not want to do this. I don't want to go there. I suppose the only logical thing for me to do is have him removed but some 3rd party. I am sure if I kicked his ass he would try to make me pay....

Ann

The only thing that kept me sane some days, the only thing that kept hope in my heart for better days ahead, the only thing that shone light into my dark corner of despair....was faith that God was leading me somewhere. I knew not where and reached the point where it didn't matter, anyplace was better than the place I was in. So I prayed a lot, maybe a hundred times some days, just to say "please" and "thank you" and ask to be led...and then I traveled in blind faith that God's path always leads someplace good.

It did, it does and it always will.

Hugs

pjbs55

Drained,
I too suffer from depression, so I know how you are feeling. Please take your therapist advise and write down how you are feeling. Take some deep breaths and try to relax. You are not a weak lady, but you are stronger than you think. Be thankful for the good things in your life, your girls, and all of your health. Take it one minute at a time if you have to, and be thankful you made it through that time.
I have your phone number and will call you later today. I will be working but will call any how.
Your family will be there for you if you pick up the phone and call them. Your family here is always for you too. So you are not totally alone, but I know you feel like you are. If you want to go look for another job, school starts soon again, and it will give you something to do. Take babysteps right now, don't worry about what might happen look at today as a present from your HP.
Turn to your HP since he is always with you and will always show you the best things for you to do.
Hugs and prayers coming to you

Callie

Drained wife - I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I am in the same spot you are right now. I keep trudging along one step at a time. Some days are better than others. When things get like this for me, I try to force myself to just keep going and it also helps to have somewhat of a plan. Even if it's short term. For me, this weekend I will work in the yard, get my floors swept and mopped, catch up on laundry. I will take my kids to a b-day party tomorrow and to the lake boating with my family.

Next week my kids start school. I'm hoping THAT change in schedule can help motivate ME to get on a different schedule. I haven't been working out like I should or eating as well as I should or taking my vitamins like I should. I'm going to start changing that when my kids start school and I have more time. What someone said about being alone is right. You have been alone even though M for a long time haven't you?

Hugs to you. A therapist may also help. For me, I've talked with them until I'm blue in the face. They don't really tell me anything that I don't know myself. I get more useful info from the wise people on SR. But in these times, you have to do whatever works for YOU. Also, I've been told that fish oil works wonders for depression. I just bought a gigantic bottle of them! You've been through a war, you're bound to be tired and weary. Take care of yourself as best as you can.