I was not married to an AH but I was in a bad relationship for 12 years. I ended up staying for five years thinking it was what was best for my daughter. I cried every day and sank into a deep depression. I thought I could never be without her and would never be able to make it on my own. I had never been alone. I hated myself.
All that I can tell you is that you are strong, you are smart and God won't give you anything you can't handle. When I first moved out it was very hard, I cried all the time because I was so utterly alone.
I started praying a lot and took some time to think about the kind of person that I wanted to be. I always saw myself as being kind, loving, caring, loyal and pure. I never felt I was like that but it was who I wanted to be.
I am there now. I got there by praying and talking with God and being honest with myself. I joined this forum the end of July and I cannot tell you the amazing changes I have gone through by just listening to other peoples journeys and talking to other members. There is so much good advice on here. I think this is a good place for you to start. I also find much peace of mind and serenity in the Book "Courage to Change". It is very inspiring and motivating. My boyfriend was addicted to painkillers. He is on sub now. He is still very addicted to the sub and weaning down slowly. He has been drinking a lot lately. That is actually where he is tonight.
I fell in love with him before I knew what was going on with him. I sank into such a deep depression again feeling scared and worried all of the time because he has tried to commit suicide in the past several times.
I don't worry so much now. I know God is there for me and I have chosen to let go of my fears and worries and give them to God. This has helped me more than I can ever say. If you have a higher power, talk to him/her. It will help.
Good luck - don't give up......God gives us the strength we need to overcome all things thrust upon us.
Take care and keep your chin up.