a bit of a struggle

Old 09-27-2007, 03:30 PM
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a bit of a struggle

I’m struggling this week and I think it is important to my recovery for me to say it and acknowledge the feelings. Truthfully, what I would like to do is just curl up in a ball and put a blanket over my head and not feel.

I suspect a major part of the problem is related to medication. I have episodes of major depression triggered by extreme stress. I had not needed medication for nearly 10 years, but not surprisingly, by last fall I had to start again. Since I felt like I was doing pretty good, I talked with my primary about trying to get off. Over the past few weeks I’ve tried, but I think I am not ready. This week I see a lot of warning signs…restless sleeping/wakefulness, isolating, feelings of
despair, lack of interest in…well almost anything, craving sugar or not wanting to eat at all, crying spells for no particular reason...feelings of worthlessness. I increased the dosage again yesterday when a bad day became a series of progressively worse days, but I think it will take awhile for my brain to catch up.

I feel defeated and like I should be able to get off the meds and function…It isn’t as if they make me feel different (well normal is different when depression strikes) but for some reason I am beating myself up for relying on them.

I feel hurt that an earthling who I care about and who I thought had some clue all but said just "snap out of it." I am reminding myself that my viewpoint is distorted right now and I shouldn’t get upset by it…but this one is hard. Expectations…they will get me every time. When I feel less raw, I have to revisit this one and work through it.

Working on recovery at least has helped me know that a lot of my thoughts aren’t completely based in reality……it really isn’t true that no one cares or that I am as worthless as I feel. But it is almost like battling a monster within…I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t be strong. Our office manager at work is retiring…when I hugged her to say good bye she whispered to me you are the bravest person I know…That made me cry…I’m not and I feel like a fraud.

Today I just feel sick of being strong and embarrassed that I do.

Today I’m having trouble thinking positive. I work my gratitude list and that’s good, but I still feel like crap.

I don’t want to feel like crap and today I am reminding myself that in a day or two I will feel fine again. For now, just for today will be just for this minute. But it is a struggle because another part of me is very fearful that it won’t be a couple of days. So I am making myself write all these fears…Once they are out in the open, I think I can start to let them go.

Today I just need a really good cry and honestly…well a big hug.

But today I am grateful too, because as lousy as I feel, I know that I have been in greater darkness and survived. I know that I can use my recovery tools to help me through this bad time. I am putting my feelings out there to you and that’s more than I have ever done when I got in that dark zone. And I am so grateful to have you.

Progress not perfection.

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Old 09-27-2007, 03:38 PM
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Sending a HUGE gentle hug.
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Old 09-27-2007, 04:19 PM
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************************{big Big Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Old 09-27-2007, 04:59 PM
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Wow greet,
Thanks for the honesty! You have been there for so many others; not it's time to let others be there for you. If all you had ever done was come to this site and share your story, that would have been enought to make a huge impact on me and others. But I know that is not all you have ever done. I understand the desire to get off meds, but you have been through a lot. There's nothing shameful about it. Now if you needed meds just so you wouldn't feel bad about not having the right outfit to wear or something silly like that, I would call you a baby. But this thing we are dealing with, this addiction, man it kicks a wallop. Especially to us moms. Be gentle with yourself. You are a work in progress, and by admitting this to others you have helped even more people.
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Old 09-27-2007, 05:17 PM
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Old 09-27-2007, 05:19 PM
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(((Greet))) It's okay to be not okay for a while, it's okay to have a bad day or a day when you just want to hide under the covers. The trick is to not let more than a day go by like that without getting out for some fresh air and sunshine, even if you don't feel like being with people.

You have been through a lot of trauma and it's bound to take its toll sooner or later. This might be a good time to treat yourself to a quiet weekend getaway or a day doing something you love to do.

And if you are struggling with the medications, it might be good to talk to your doctor about this and see what he/she suggests.

I can't fix you, but I can send you big hugs and lotsa love.

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Old 09-27-2007, 05:35 PM
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way ... and I do understand. I too have recently come off my anti-d and for some reason, I thought it would be easier. It's been a bit of a bear and I've had days where I've cried if someone looked at me the wrong way and days where I'd like to rip someone's head off. If you're not ready, then that's okay ... it's more important to survive each day and be able to feel joy.

I'm sending you the biggest hug you can imagine Miss Greet and all my love and prayers every day
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Old 09-27-2007, 05:45 PM
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Awe (((Greet)))
Here's a big hug from one who understands
I'm having a time myself these days. I can't put my finger on it...seems to lean toward anxiety though.
As much as I do enjoy fall, it brings about something uncomfortable in me, something that has occurred before, but I haven't been able to define it.

As much as I'm able to understand what you are experiencing, I too think its natural - even though it feels anything but - to have "bad spells". And sometimes even those who should care the most, say things out of fear, not unkindness.

I know with me, I've noticed I can drift crooked into the land of "getting there", in that I strive to be "happy", "serene", "content" as if there's a finish line to cross and I've made it. I know thats not how it works, but at times I become exhausted working it. Thats usually when I know a fog is coming, and somethings I will have to work through are right around the bend.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense because its so hard to explain.

But I've had times when I've felt like a hypocrite too...but I don't think I am.
I know you are not.
And, like it or not, you ARE strong.
But we all are also human, and with that comes frailty.
Thats what makes us who we are I think...not how we do in the "good" times but in the bad.

Greet, my friend, walk with us for a spell and rest. Let others carry the world for a block or two.

Take the meds if you need guilt...they are there to help you.
If and when you no longer need them you will know.
I'm glad you decided to put this out here.
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Old 09-27-2007, 06:09 PM
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Years ago, when I was placed on an antidepessant, I cried and told the doctor "but I'm a nurse! I'm supposed to be able to handle this without meds".

He explained to me that depression is a chemical reaction in the brain and it can't be "fixed" by "snapping out of it". The meds work because they get the chemicals back to they way they're supposed to work. He explained that is is no different than a diabetic who needs insulin to keep their blood sugar under control.

Some people can eventually come off them but others need them for a lifetime. It's NOT a weakness. I haven't taken antidepressants for years and did okay but I may need them again 'cause I see myself getting back into the isolation and other behaviours I had back then. I'm just waiting to see if this is "situational" because of a lot of stress right now.

Don't be hard on yourself. If you need the meds, it's no worse than if you needed a med for your heart.

Hope you feel better soon. You've helped me out a lot since I've come to SR and I appreciate you.

Hugs and prayers!
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Old 09-27-2007, 06:25 PM
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I am new here but already I know your name and you have brought me such comfort and hope. Believe it or not, it gave me relief to see that someone who's worked it for a while still struggles. I think it makes me see that its always going to be with me, so I need to slow down and stop looking for a cure and a quick fix.
I have recently began taking an antidepressant. I was in so much pain from the stress and anxiety of my son and being recently separated from my Depression -Addict husband (who will not get help.) I couldn't see up out of the foggy pain above me. The medicine helped me. It brings me up to a level where I can function and take in what is happening and not just give up and feel hopeless. It made it easier for me to find this place, and al-anon meetings, and want to be better mentally. It felt like climbing up out of a dark basement room onto the ground floor. It doesn't bring me to the penthouse, but I feel more able to tackle the first floors!
you are in my thoughts
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Old 09-27-2007, 06:41 PM
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Stay on the meds if you feel like you are losing it. I have depression and try to go off the meds and get right back down. I have been told that I will need to be on them for the rest of my life. I don't like it but I don't like how I feel with out them. I too want to cry all the time and I don't want to be around anyone. I still have some down days even on the meds, but maybe one every few months.
I am keeping you in my prayers, please do something just for you, read, take a drive or go someplace and take some pictures.
You can not just "snap out of this" it takes time, and it takes time for the meds to work correctly.
Hugs coming to you
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Old 09-27-2007, 06:45 PM
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Ahhhh, my friend...
We are all allowed to be weak occasionally. I know what you mean about feeling like a fraud sometimes. I always feel that way when people compliment me about doing well with my grandson. Cause they don't see when I yell at him and make him cry, or snap because he's just getting on my last nerve.

But we just muddle on. Doing the best we can. When I was at my lowest...I looked for your posts like a drowning woman looking for a life raft. You will never know how much you help others.

My's a shoulder to lean on....let us help carry your burden for awhile, as you've helped all of us!!!

Many Many HUGS sent through cyberspace. I love you and I've never met you!!

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Old 09-27-2007, 06:47 PM
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Greet, I fought and fought against taking medication for my anxiety. But it got the better of me this past summer and I am finally taking medication that is helping. I had some break through anxiety after I started the medication and I really felt hopeless, like I was never going to get better and I absolutely was going crazy the way that I was. Thankfully it was short lived but it gave me a better understanding of why my daughter chose illegal drugs. I will say a prayer that you will feel better really quickly. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-27-2007, 06:53 PM
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((( Greet )))
I think there is not one of us here who does not know exactly how you feel. Greet, you have said things to me on different occasions that have saved me from so much despair. I still have a pm you sent me some time ago. You told me it was a gift for someone to love someone else as greatly as I do. I just can't tell you how much that meant to me, it was like you were telling me I really was ok.
I almost sent you another pm this week, because I knew you would make me feel better. Ah is loosing his business. The machines were auctioned off today, the two buildings tomorrow. I still haven't divorced him. My question is, if addiction is a disease, how can you give up on someone who is so sick? How do you kick someone who is already so down? I just don't have this in my soul.
I remember when you lost your daughter. I was simply horrified. But Greet, you carry on with your usual dignity and grace. I am amazed by your strength, and I'm certain it has been more difficult than we will ever know.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You have helped so many of us. Lets see, maybe you would tell someone else in your shoes that things will all work out like they are supposed to with the help of your hp? And trust me Greet, he is watching over you. Don't worry about the medication, it will come in time. Hang in there, I know things are going to get better for you, because you will make them better.
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Old 09-27-2007, 06:57 PM
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Hey Greet,
You don't have to feel bad about taking medication if you need it. That's the beauty of living in this age. We have cures and helps for different problems.
Do what you feel you need to do.
I don't much care for meds either, in fact I hate anti depressants. But, I have taken them when I needed them. It didn't take more than 3 months to get me straightened out. If I hadn't taken them at that time, I probably would have lost my job for being unable to function.
I take a sleep med, mild, but without it I would NEVER fall asleep.
Here's that big hug you need!!
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Old 09-27-2007, 07:14 PM
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(((Hugs))) I really felt like a failure when I ended up on meds for depression and anxiety. I think they're helping though. I'm with you...I'll pull the covers up over my head for today too.
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Old 09-27-2007, 07:21 PM
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((((Greet))))) I hope that you will feel better soon.

I too have been contemplating about going back on the Wellbutrin. This depression hits me every fall. Sure, it will pass in time.

I was reading somewhere today that people who are depressed make good employees.
That's me. I keep my nose to the grind stone and I get alot of work done. I don't hang out around the water cooler bragging about my kids. I avoid the water cooler.

After work, I enjoy a good walk and I create an attitude of gratitude.

"Isolation is the dark room where I develop negativity."
Better not go there.
Thanks Greet for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Here's a hug, I hope that you are feeling better soon.
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Old 09-27-2007, 07:42 PM
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my dear Greet....I am so sorry you're not feeling well just now
you are such a beautiful, graceful lady and I consider it a privilge to walk with you
please know that I am hoping you will soon begin to reclaim your joy

you have shown such strength and support here on this board
please be gentle with yourself....
follow the advice you would so lovingly offer to another

do something special for yourself today
I'm not in favor of hiding under the covers but certainly allow yourself some restful solitude and serenity

this too shall pass and when it does you will be an even more compassionate friend to all, knowing that you have weathered the storm

please know that I hold you close to my heart and will say a special prayer for you tonight

be well, my friend
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Old 09-27-2007, 07:56 PM
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Old 09-27-2007, 08:39 PM
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I'm having a hard time finding words to tell you how much you all are touching my heart...You make such a difference...truly, truly, truly.

Sobercuse, that is a quote worth saving in my head...sometimes I need that reminder. I enjoy solitude but have to watch out for isolation. And like you and Cece (#1) said, for me it has always been in the Fall....wonder why.

My timing stinks...I have to work this weekend and be away. I think that has been worrying me some too...don't want to be a blubbering idiot at a conference. But I feel better now just getting it out and sharing with you than I did earlier. I've got my gym clothes packed and my favorite walking shoes, and am thinking a change of scenery is a good thing. I think I will bring some smelly lavendar bath beads and soak in the tub for as long as I feel like it tomorrow night.

You truly have helped me get some perspective...I really feel the hugs, the prayers your light. Thank you for sharing it with me.

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