a bit of a struggle
I’m struggling this week and I think it is important to my recovery for me to say it and acknowledge the feelings. Truthfully, what I would like to do is just curl up in a ball and put a blanket over my head and not feel.
I suspect a major part of the problem is related to medication. I have episodes of major depression triggered by extreme stress. I had not needed medication for nearly 10 years, but not surprisingly, by last fall I had to start again. Since I felt like I was doing pretty good, I talked with my primary about trying to get off. Over the past few weeks I’ve tried, but I think I am not ready. This week I see a lot of warning signs…restless sleeping/wakefulness, isolating, feelings of
despair, lack of interest in…well almost anything, craving sugar or not wanting to eat at all, crying spells for no particular reason...feelings of worthlessness. I increased the dosage again yesterday when a bad day became a series of progressively worse days, but I think it will take awhile for my brain to catch up.
I feel defeated and like I should be able to get off the meds and function…It isn’t as if they make me feel different (well normal is different when depression strikes) but for some reason I am beating myself up for relying on them.
I feel hurt that an earthling who I care about and who I thought had some clue all but said just "snap out of it." I am reminding myself that my viewpoint is distorted right now and I shouldn’t get upset by it…but this one is hard. Expectations…they will get me every time. When I feel less raw, I have to revisit this one and work through it.
Working on recovery at least has helped me know that a lot of my thoughts aren’t completely based in reality……it really isn’t true that no one cares or that I am as worthless as I feel. But it is almost like battling a monster within…I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t be strong. Our office manager at work is retiring…when I hugged her to say good bye she whispered to me you are the bravest person I know…That made me cry…I’m not and I feel like a fraud.
Today I just feel sick of being strong and embarrassed that I do.
Today I’m having trouble thinking positive. I work my gratitude list and that’s good, but I still feel like crap.
I don’t want to feel like crap and today I am reminding myself that in a day or two I will feel fine again. For now, just for today will be just for this minute. But it is a struggle because another part of me is very fearful that it won’t be a couple of days. So I am making myself write all these fears…Once they are out in the open, I think I can start to let them go.
Today I just need a really good cry and honestly…well a big hug.
But today I am grateful too, because as lousy as I feel, I know that I have been in greater darkness and survived. I know that I can use my recovery tools to help me through this bad time. I am putting my feelings out there to you and that’s more than I have ever done when I got in that dark zone. And I am so grateful to have you.
Progress not perfection.
Hugs.