A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 19
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
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Well rae. . .don't know if you know my story or not. I found out I was pregnant with my 3 yr old 1 week after xah moved in with his girlfriend. . .all this at the ripe old age of 42. . .nuff said? I really was glad I had a girl cuz I sure hated boys!! No interest really in anyone, no social life to speak of outside of aa, oh and there's a place to go find one????? Anyways, if this ghost from my way distant past whom I've always had the wondering what if about hadn't a called, probably be without still and who knows how long, poor thing, he didn't have to beg to much 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am not the arguing type. I do not say unkind things to people.
I was taught a long time ago that when you say an unkind thing it is like putting a nail in the wall. You can say you are sorry and pull the nail out but the hole is always going to be there.
Besides, with my scrip for xanax, it keeps me pretty laid back. I did take an extra today when my feelings got really hurt when I tried to talk to him about it.
I told him the truth, I have never felt so unattractive, unwanted and undesirable in my life. (All my prior relationships have had active and passionate sex lives, no matter what other problems were going on.) He asked how long I had been feeling this way. I said months. Then he went on the pity pot because I said these things and all I was feeling was hurt. And, then, I did snap at him, that he if he just wants to be on the pity pot all he is going to get is a red ring on his ass. He said there wasn't room on the pity pot because I was taking all of it up. That's when the hurt hit me between the eyes and I took the extra xanax. I slept for a bit in the guest room.....I can climb over and around stuff and get to the third of the bed, which is enough room for me. When I got up, he was watching tv...I used that time while he was out of bed to carry some piles of clothes etc into the bedroom from the living room and washed the dishes. He just shuts off the tv and goes back to bed.
Let me tell you I have an inherited Indian/Tipsword temper that runs in the family....it make take near forever to provoke it, but when it blows you had better run for the hills. His going back to bed hit the button for me. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So he is not going to speak to me or be in the same room with me?
Oh, I have all sorts of things to say in my head but will not. But watch the hell out.
BTW,...I love that song Raerae. And I think I would need a two night stand.
Which is why my lazy ass is on this cleaning binge, because I am going to clean everything up.....wish he would just go somewhere for a couple of days. If I had $20 buck I'd give it to him and beg him to go to the bar.....I did that a couple of weeks ago but I wasn't mad,, just thought he was isolating and needed to get out and have some fun with his friends. I'd also like to go buy him a stack of really nasty dirty books. So that when I finish this frenzy I am on....to make the house all nice...fix up the bedroom nicely for him...and fix up the guest room for me. I would put the mags on the nightstand for him. I will wash my clothes. I will wash my dishes. And act like I have a roomate. Even tho' he just went to bed, I started the washer anyway even tho' I know that he can't sleep with it running. He's just hiding, feeling sorry for himself, Any way. I am going to vaccum too.
LOL....good the washer flushed him out of the bedroom. Now he can watch me clean all the common areas. That is my rule with common areas/shared areas with roomates, they are kept clean out of respect. He just sat down and turned the tv on.
Ladies, I have tried, I have really tried....I borrowed a book on ******* sex and took the initiative to try to teach him...we had a great day and spent hours playing. That was 3 or 4 months ago. Would he pick up the book? no. Hell no. I have talked to him gently about the difference between men and women in their roles and response. Nicely. A few times. Yesterday I read him the post by AA Sharon on intimacy (it is really good). I have told him since we met that he could save me days of pain and pms with some good sex. he has let me suffer and ache for the last 3 months.
I have tried.
Now I am hurt and angry. And angry will fuel me to speak with actions that cannot be dismissed or ignored.
I can't wait until I get that damned storage room cleaned out so I can put my clothes in my own closet.
All his mama's photos which he is obsessed with since she died will go in his room.
My kid's photos and my photos will go in my room.
How can I get him out of the house for a couple of days without telling him to go spend it at Beverly's the one who was chasing him so bad and coming over everyday while I was in Indiana and he was here...supposed to be working on the boat?
She threw herself at him so bad it embaressed him enough and knew that if he didn't tell me and I found out it would/may be curtains. But, nope keep my mouth shut.
Unless he starts with me. But I doubt that. That would be a dangerous thing to do.
He will just be giving me the silent treatment except to pick at things. Like now, the only thing he has said to me...was that if I wasn't using the foot massager, I had curled my feet up in the chair for a minute, that he would turn it off so electricity wasn't wasted.
And I am not going to be overtly ugly about it. I will make up his bed with his family quilt and the afghan his momma made him. But I will take all of me out of there that I can find room for. And this excercise room leaning on my set table that hasn't been used but less than a dozen times (stretching it in his favor) is going in his room too.
I decorated the living room with his books, because he always said that the women decorated and he never felt like it was his home. They are going to decorate his room too.
I don't want him to watch me do these things. How can I get rid of him for awhile...he never leaves his chair. Maybe if I make him uncomfortable enough, he will go work outside for awhile tomorrow and sometimes he likes to mope at the patio table. But it just started raining now.
Go back to bed, would ya? You are getting in my way.
More later...I will tell you my sis's theory about men and when women try to talk to them. It's so true, you will have to laugh.
Look, right now, better angry than crying from hurt. And I need to make a point. While maybe it can still make a difference.
Because I can't live like this for long, long time without cheating. Except for honesty, I would tell him what I needed to do.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Guess I will turn off the foot massager now and go start cleaning out his bedroom.
I was taught a long time ago that when you say an unkind thing it is like putting a nail in the wall. You can say you are sorry and pull the nail out but the hole is always going to be there.
Besides, with my scrip for xanax, it keeps me pretty laid back. I did take an extra today when my feelings got really hurt when I tried to talk to him about it.
I told him the truth, I have never felt so unattractive, unwanted and undesirable in my life. (All my prior relationships have had active and passionate sex lives, no matter what other problems were going on.) He asked how long I had been feeling this way. I said months. Then he went on the pity pot because I said these things and all I was feeling was hurt. And, then, I did snap at him, that he if he just wants to be on the pity pot all he is going to get is a red ring on his ass. He said there wasn't room on the pity pot because I was taking all of it up. That's when the hurt hit me between the eyes and I took the extra xanax. I slept for a bit in the guest room.....I can climb over and around stuff and get to the third of the bed, which is enough room for me. When I got up, he was watching tv...I used that time while he was out of bed to carry some piles of clothes etc into the bedroom from the living room and washed the dishes. He just shuts off the tv and goes back to bed.
Let me tell you I have an inherited Indian/Tipsword temper that runs in the family....it make take near forever to provoke it, but when it blows you had better run for the hills. His going back to bed hit the button for me. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So he is not going to speak to me or be in the same room with me?
Oh, I have all sorts of things to say in my head but will not. But watch the hell out.
BTW,...I love that song Raerae. And I think I would need a two night stand.
Which is why my lazy ass is on this cleaning binge, because I am going to clean everything up.....wish he would just go somewhere for a couple of days. If I had $20 buck I'd give it to him and beg him to go to the bar.....I did that a couple of weeks ago but I wasn't mad,, just thought he was isolating and needed to get out and have some fun with his friends. I'd also like to go buy him a stack of really nasty dirty books. So that when I finish this frenzy I am on....to make the house all nice...fix up the bedroom nicely for him...and fix up the guest room for me. I would put the mags on the nightstand for him. I will wash my clothes. I will wash my dishes. And act like I have a roomate. Even tho' he just went to bed, I started the washer anyway even tho' I know that he can't sleep with it running. He's just hiding, feeling sorry for himself, Any way. I am going to vaccum too.
LOL....good the washer flushed him out of the bedroom. Now he can watch me clean all the common areas. That is my rule with common areas/shared areas with roomates, they are kept clean out of respect. He just sat down and turned the tv on.
Ladies, I have tried, I have really tried....I borrowed a book on ******* sex and took the initiative to try to teach him...we had a great day and spent hours playing. That was 3 or 4 months ago. Would he pick up the book? no. Hell no. I have talked to him gently about the difference between men and women in their roles and response. Nicely. A few times. Yesterday I read him the post by AA Sharon on intimacy (it is really good). I have told him since we met that he could save me days of pain and pms with some good sex. he has let me suffer and ache for the last 3 months.
I have tried.
Now I am hurt and angry. And angry will fuel me to speak with actions that cannot be dismissed or ignored.
I can't wait until I get that damned storage room cleaned out so I can put my clothes in my own closet.
All his mama's photos which he is obsessed with since she died will go in his room.
My kid's photos and my photos will go in my room.
How can I get him out of the house for a couple of days without telling him to go spend it at Beverly's the one who was chasing him so bad and coming over everyday while I was in Indiana and he was here...supposed to be working on the boat?
She threw herself at him so bad it embaressed him enough and knew that if he didn't tell me and I found out it would/may be curtains. But, nope keep my mouth shut.
Unless he starts with me. But I doubt that. That would be a dangerous thing to do.
He will just be giving me the silent treatment except to pick at things. Like now, the only thing he has said to me...was that if I wasn't using the foot massager, I had curled my feet up in the chair for a minute, that he would turn it off so electricity wasn't wasted.
And I am not going to be overtly ugly about it. I will make up his bed with his family quilt and the afghan his momma made him. But I will take all of me out of there that I can find room for. And this excercise room leaning on my set table that hasn't been used but less than a dozen times (stretching it in his favor) is going in his room too.
I decorated the living room with his books, because he always said that the women decorated and he never felt like it was his home. They are going to decorate his room too.
I don't want him to watch me do these things. How can I get rid of him for awhile...he never leaves his chair. Maybe if I make him uncomfortable enough, he will go work outside for awhile tomorrow and sometimes he likes to mope at the patio table. But it just started raining now.
Go back to bed, would ya? You are getting in my way.
More later...I will tell you my sis's theory about men and when women try to talk to them. It's so true, you will have to laugh.
Look, right now, better angry than crying from hurt. And I need to make a point. While maybe it can still make a difference.
Because I can't live like this for long, long time without cheating. Except for honesty, I would tell him what I needed to do.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Guess I will turn off the foot massager now and go start cleaning out his bedroom.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
geea, Raerae, go find a mutual consenting friend. I know exactly what you mean.
When ex and I first parted I had no drive for about 6 months. But now I am normal again. And the situation I am in is NOT NORMAL...nor tolerable.
When ex and I first parted I had no drive for about 6 months. But now I am normal again. And the situation I am in is NOT NORMAL...nor tolerable.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Originally Posted by raerae6 
I got pregnant at age 41, it didn't work out, though. Is the ghost from the past your xah?
No, this is my now abf who I have been after and has been after me for over 28 years. We lived together way back, then saw each other off & on for several years after that, then between husbands & wives, he moved away for 8 yrs and we did the long distance deal for a few years, he moved back in 95 and moved in with me and I was sober then and he wasn't and he read my 4th step, bla bla bla and we parted again. This last time apart has been about 11 or 12 yrs. So. . .it's a real surprise that he called me a few months ago. I've always had him in my mind and heart all through the years no matter who was in the picture.
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Join Date: May 2007
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Live, I can understand your hurt and frustration.
before I was with the addict, I had a bf for a few years who had a bad case of clinical depression. He would talk about suicide sometimes. Gradually our sex life became nil. Being depressed decreased his sex drive and when he would take his meds (which he would never stay on for vary long) he had no drive either. I felt completely rejected. When we did try, he couldn't really function right. I am still good friends with him to this day-platonic friends.
I think he felt bad about it, but towards the end he would look at porn on the internet every day (which normally I wouldn't mind if we had a sex life) but then he would not even look at me if I was walking naked around the house. I never did really figure that out.
In a lot of ways being with him was similar to the addict-they each had a problem that they would not really deal with. They both would refuse to really follow through with the prescribed treatment plan. In both cases I spent so much time looking for answers to the problem and lost myself in the process.
It is so frustrating when a man will choose not to communicate. It is so typical, though.
A few months after I split up with the depressed bf, I started going out and about more and started to realize that I was still attractive after all!
I just picked the wrong guy-an addict.
I do have one friend who I did 'get busy' with a while ago, but it was a dissappointing experience for me because we are just not very compatible in bed.
I imagine your man feels kind of bad about what is going on...Do you feel that he could perform if he wanted to? Or do you feel like he just isn't trying? He probably feels bad, too. It is a real ego buster to a man if they cannot perform, if that is the problem.
before I was with the addict, I had a bf for a few years who had a bad case of clinical depression. He would talk about suicide sometimes. Gradually our sex life became nil. Being depressed decreased his sex drive and when he would take his meds (which he would never stay on for vary long) he had no drive either. I felt completely rejected. When we did try, he couldn't really function right. I am still good friends with him to this day-platonic friends.
I think he felt bad about it, but towards the end he would look at porn on the internet every day (which normally I wouldn't mind if we had a sex life) but then he would not even look at me if I was walking naked around the house. I never did really figure that out.
In a lot of ways being with him was similar to the addict-they each had a problem that they would not really deal with. They both would refuse to really follow through with the prescribed treatment plan. In both cases I spent so much time looking for answers to the problem and lost myself in the process.
It is so frustrating when a man will choose not to communicate. It is so typical, though.
A few months after I split up with the depressed bf, I started going out and about more and started to realize that I was still attractive after all!
I just picked the wrong guy-an addict.
I do have one friend who I did 'get busy' with a while ago, but it was a dissappointing experience for me because we are just not very compatible in bed.
I imagine your man feels kind of bad about what is going on...Do you feel that he could perform if he wanted to? Or do you feel like he just isn't trying? He probably feels bad, too. It is a real ego buster to a man if they cannot perform, if that is the problem.
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Join Date: May 2007
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Posts: 1,291
You know what is weird? When I was with the depressed bf, I never found any support for 'friends and family' of a depressed person. The same codependent issues come up with people in those situations as do with addicts.
I finally went to a counselor and she said that he cannot help being depressed, but that he COULD decide whether or not to do something about it and that I should not feel guilty for breaking up with him. i guess the same logic applies to addicts.
I finally went to a counselor and she said that he cannot help being depressed, but that he COULD decide whether or not to do something about it and that I should not feel guilty for breaking up with him. i guess the same logic applies to addicts.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
After repeating the serenity prayer over and over today I decided to do something I could have power over.
So I cleaned, even mopped as thats something I dont like to do, I tried and tried to have power over that dirt on the tile, Im about to use wisdom to just let it go, its too much work. Wish I had the money to pay someone to just mop and clean the grout, get the darn pet hair gone too as it keeps sneaking back even with pets outside.
Do you guys know what $5 can buy I did really good at Walmart today
1 generaic soda, 2 pkgs cheap hot dogs, can tuna, shreded cheese and a bag of chips= total $5.37
I had buns and noodles and cream of mushroom soup at home.
The dogs will last for 2 lunches and the casserole 2 dinners and a lunch(or 2) so Im feeling really proud of myself right now.
Live, Im sorry for whats going on right now.
I baked an awesome tuna casserole and rearranged some cabinets too
So I cleaned, even mopped as thats something I dont like to do, I tried and tried to have power over that dirt on the tile, Im about to use wisdom to just let it go, its too much work. Wish I had the money to pay someone to just mop and clean the grout, get the darn pet hair gone too as it keeps sneaking back even with pets outside.
Do you guys know what $5 can buy I did really good at Walmart today
1 generaic soda, 2 pkgs cheap hot dogs, can tuna, shreded cheese and a bag of chips= total $5.37
I had buns and noodles and cream of mushroom soup at home.
The dogs will last for 2 lunches and the casserole 2 dinners and a lunch(or 2) so Im feeling really proud of myself right now.
Live, Im sorry for whats going on right now.
I baked an awesome tuna casserole and rearranged some cabinets too
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh, we both have clinical depression and anxiety...ever since we met...and that part believe it or not is good, because it is something you can't understand if you have never had it, just like I cannot understand alcoholism. But I'm on my meds ever since I met him...and we have been HOT, even before I got him to understand he was depressed and to get meds. And then we were hotter than ever, esp on vacation in Argentina.
We were both single for 13 years when we met each other, so be both have a colorful past, but when I met him he was into porn, and I told him at that time he could have all of them or me. No compromise. Two or three times I have "caught" him when I was at work looking at stuff on the computer. I packed his bags.
Now, this new laptop, I would call ours, but he says it is mine and won't touch it.
Maybe like an alcoholic not going to bars. Much later on I find out it was a problem in two of his marriages.
Even when things were hot, there was a problem, but through acceptance and understanding and sharing, we dealt with it...tho' it wasn't the way I hoped it could be. He finally overcame that problem twice since April..the week his mother died and one other time. he was thrilled, it was the first time for him in about 20 years.
Anyway....whew, I am still on a roll. Did I mention that the Kickapoo tribe is the only one that never signed a treaty with the government.? LOL
I have been saying for a couple of weeks how bad I wanted to get the bedroom cleaned up. It is teeny tiny and barely a quarter of our clothes fit in the closet and dressers. So he thinks I am just on a mad tear cleaning up the bedroom, I would guess. I even popped open a beer as a decoy for when I sit down to rest and take a break. I hate beer. But sometimes I will choke one down to try to help me sleep...altho' that's useless really, it takes me at least two hours to get one down! LOL
So, and because he is watching the races, he isn't looking at me, tho' I know that the way the mirrors are on the entertainment center and on the bedroom door he can see behind him. But it was easy to stuff my jewelry box under a bunch of stuff and haul it to the storage room. I have been hauling stuff to the storage room.
I took off my favorite blanket, put it in the laundry, made the bed, changed the pillowcases to his mom's. Dusted a dresser and put his mom's bowl (I love it..but) and the photos of his grandaughter and mom all on it and made it look nice.
Cleared the top of my bedside table, put his mom's afghan on it and the ashtray she kept in her beauty shop that he treasures. And as we have about a dozen pillows, it was easy to carrry some of those we don't use and the two I want into the storage.
I will do all the laundry first. I just hung out a load and have another going. Need to go hang it out as it is getting dark. The other bigger dresser has a four foot pile of clean and unfold clothes on it. YUK. I hauled the suitcase/trunk out of there. (Making room for his stuff)
Always before he offers to help me make the bed, he believes one person can't do it.
This is the first time he hasn't and GOOD!
But, no, he is not an addict, except to cigarettes as I am too. The morphine is for his spinal condition. He has only been on it a month. And he does take his ant-d meds in fact, the new one he got just 2-3 months ago has been the best one for him.
Right now I wouldn't care if he had a foot pole for two hours.! I, too, have been out and around and know I am attractive to men.
Now, how can I get him out of my way for just a few minutes so I can take the other beautiful afghan, very intricate in cream that I chose and asked for as an part of inheritance off the couch and onto the bed? And the teddy bear I gave her that holds a box that had a jeweled necklace in it that I gave her for mother's day.
I want to put those on the bed. I can't "sneak" that.
Hmmm. I might just do it openly. And if he asks, I will tell him how beautiful it would look on the antique quilt.
Squinty eyes. I am thinking.......
I should get mad more often. This place would be spotless! LMAO
We were both single for 13 years when we met each other, so be both have a colorful past, but when I met him he was into porn, and I told him at that time he could have all of them or me. No compromise. Two or three times I have "caught" him when I was at work looking at stuff on the computer. I packed his bags.
Now, this new laptop, I would call ours, but he says it is mine and won't touch it.
Maybe like an alcoholic not going to bars. Much later on I find out it was a problem in two of his marriages.
Even when things were hot, there was a problem, but through acceptance and understanding and sharing, we dealt with it...tho' it wasn't the way I hoped it could be. He finally overcame that problem twice since April..the week his mother died and one other time. he was thrilled, it was the first time for him in about 20 years.
Anyway....whew, I am still on a roll. Did I mention that the Kickapoo tribe is the only one that never signed a treaty with the government.? LOL
I have been saying for a couple of weeks how bad I wanted to get the bedroom cleaned up. It is teeny tiny and barely a quarter of our clothes fit in the closet and dressers. So he thinks I am just on a mad tear cleaning up the bedroom, I would guess. I even popped open a beer as a decoy for when I sit down to rest and take a break. I hate beer. But sometimes I will choke one down to try to help me sleep...altho' that's useless really, it takes me at least two hours to get one down! LOL
So, and because he is watching the races, he isn't looking at me, tho' I know that the way the mirrors are on the entertainment center and on the bedroom door he can see behind him. But it was easy to stuff my jewelry box under a bunch of stuff and haul it to the storage room. I have been hauling stuff to the storage room.
I took off my favorite blanket, put it in the laundry, made the bed, changed the pillowcases to his mom's. Dusted a dresser and put his mom's bowl (I love it..but) and the photos of his grandaughter and mom all on it and made it look nice.
Cleared the top of my bedside table, put his mom's afghan on it and the ashtray she kept in her beauty shop that he treasures. And as we have about a dozen pillows, it was easy to carrry some of those we don't use and the two I want into the storage.
I will do all the laundry first. I just hung out a load and have another going. Need to go hang it out as it is getting dark. The other bigger dresser has a four foot pile of clean and unfold clothes on it. YUK. I hauled the suitcase/trunk out of there. (Making room for his stuff)
Always before he offers to help me make the bed, he believes one person can't do it.
This is the first time he hasn't and GOOD!
But, no, he is not an addict, except to cigarettes as I am too. The morphine is for his spinal condition. He has only been on it a month. And he does take his ant-d meds in fact, the new one he got just 2-3 months ago has been the best one for him.
Right now I wouldn't care if he had a foot pole for two hours.! I, too, have been out and around and know I am attractive to men.
Now, how can I get him out of my way for just a few minutes so I can take the other beautiful afghan, very intricate in cream that I chose and asked for as an part of inheritance off the couch and onto the bed? And the teddy bear I gave her that holds a box that had a jeweled necklace in it that I gave her for mother's day.
I want to put those on the bed. I can't "sneak" that.
Hmmm. I might just do it openly. And if he asks, I will tell him how beautiful it would look on the antique quilt.
Squinty eyes. I am thinking.......
I should get mad more often. This place would be spotless! LMAO
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Join Date: Nov 2002
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Awesome, Cinder! I am listening and learning!
Gee, I have some great photos of his mom that I downloaded on my laptop yesterday, but I think all the ink is gone and that is expensive. I have bought him lots of picture frames, because in his grieving he was lining photos of her up on the "coffee table"...which is actually an Afro-Indian drum. With leather on top, of course. That leather fetish I have. LOL
Okay. break over. I have to let this out somewhere, because remember, I will not say a cross word. I said what I had to say. Period.
Congrats! Cinder. Too bad I dumped cleaning lady friend she would know what to do about grout, but be careful with bleach, sometimes with some kinds it discolors it.
WE are going to conquer the world, at least our home part that is! LOL
Gee, I have some great photos of his mom that I downloaded on my laptop yesterday, but I think all the ink is gone and that is expensive. I have bought him lots of picture frames, because in his grieving he was lining photos of her up on the "coffee table"...which is actually an Afro-Indian drum. With leather on top, of course. That leather fetish I have. LOL
Okay. break over. I have to let this out somewhere, because remember, I will not say a cross word. I said what I had to say. Period.
Congrats! Cinder. Too bad I dumped cleaning lady friend she would know what to do about grout, but be careful with bleach, sometimes with some kinds it discolors it.
WE are going to conquer the world, at least our home part that is! LOL
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
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You have more self control than i do, Live. I think if I was getting the silent treatment and hurt Id have to throw something at him (something soft of course.)
Thats something I wanna get past, my stomping yelling demanding to be listened to fits, but I sware try and try I ahve no control, with the exception of when I wa staking Lorezapam, then Id take a deep breath and walk away.
Now anxiety builds, blood starts boiling feeling and like a three year old throwing a tantrum I lose all control
Thats something I wanna get past, my stomping yelling demanding to be listened to fits, but I sware try and try I ahve no control, with the exception of when I wa staking Lorezapam, then Id take a deep breath and walk away.
Now anxiety builds, blood starts boiling feeling and like a three year old throwing a tantrum I lose all control
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Join Date: May 2007
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Posts: 1,291
Man, Cinder and Live, I gotta get busy around the house like you two are! I still need to unpack. I just finished my homework. But hey, I did it early for a change!
Live, the way it sounds my bet is he doesn't say a word.
Live, the way it sounds my bet is he doesn't say a word.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
You have more self control than i do, Live. I think if I was getting the silent treatment and hurt Id have to throw something at him (something soft of course.)
Thats something I wanna get past, my stomping yelling demanding to be listened to fits, but I sware try and try I ahve no control, with the exception of when I wa staking Lorezapam, then Id take a deep breath and walk away.
Now anxiety builds, blood starts boiling feeling and like a three year old throwing a tantrum I lose all control
Thats something I wanna get past, my stomping yelling demanding to be listened to fits, but I sware try and try I ahve no control, with the exception of when I wa staking Lorezapam, then Id take a deep breath and walk away.
Now anxiety builds, blood starts boiling feeling and like a three year old throwing a tantrum I lose all control
That drives me crazy!
And then I will think, "hey, maybe I should try that...walking out".
But I just can't quit until something is resolved.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I seem to have come to a stop on my cleaning and having power over the house. Oh well. I never quite complete it. Im trying to convince myself to atleast finish my bathroom before I quit.
Maybe Ill wake up ready to do more, ya think?
My dog is in heat. Poor thing I will not let her back in the house right now, especially not with the floors clean she just doesnt understand.
I guess its time to pull money from next 3 checks so I can get her fixed, so she never has to go through this again (or me either)
Maybe Ill wake up ready to do more, ya think?
My dog is in heat. Poor thing I will not let her back in the house right now, especially not with the floors clean she just doesnt understand.
I guess its time to pull money from next 3 checks so I can get her fixed, so she never has to go through this again (or me either)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
All right, he followed me into the bedroom and in an angry voice asked about the afghan. It is right there, on the bed, doesn't it look nice. he says it looks like I am leaving, am I leaving. I say where would I go. But it is not in a nice tone, that I say this. He says it looks like I am packing. Again I say where would I go?
He wants to know about the pile I am making at the door. I say that is for Loves, meeting at the flea market tomorrow. He says I never said a word about it. Sure I did. He just didn't "hear" me. What's new. So, I swoop that whole pile of clothes off the dresser, find some of my good jewelry, take a break, go back in, separate his clothes from mine. Put all of his away and all of mine in a trash bag to haul to storage room. There's a big double dresser with mirror and a tall dresser. Our socks are together in one. And only one drawer has my stuff in it. My two drawers of lingerie and undies went in a little Wal-Mart bag. Anybody want any barely worn sexy nighties? They have done me no good. I am not going to take my many pairs of heels off the top shelf, but there are still some clothes up there to be sorted thro'.
I was getting tired of outwaiting him to go to bed, so I started getting a bit mouthy.
He is watching some gory movie with people getting shot point blank in the head ( I am only so mean, as I could have pointed out that is how my son died and made him feel like real ****) and doing lines of cocaine/heroin. First I say, I would like some of that. (Big Lie)...so I could get the rest of the bedroom done. He says what needs done...I said it needs vacuumed and the clothes on the shelf sorted, then from storage room to choose which piece(s) of carpet will go in there so I can get rid of the rest. Well, actually, I can't hear the movie and I thought it was cocaine, he says no you don't it has heroine in it. I say all the better. But I will take a cup of his real coffee so I can stay up and finish my work. He ignores me. I start waving my arm at him and repeat myself. He says are you sure. I say yes. He pours me a cup, throws something in the kitchen, I didn't see what and don't care. Then I say I do not need to watch movies with people getting their head blown off, no wonder I have nightmares. He lost it. Turned off tv and threw both the headphones and remote. And went to bed. But see, I learned some things from living with the crazy, genius ex. I switched to let's make friendly for a moment and shared something from the follies here for him to see that I knew he would really be interested in. (Teach's I WANT THAT) I knew he would really like it, and it is the mix of being sweet and sour that makes a person crazy.
Mission accomplished. I was wondering if he was going to stay up all night and I am too tired to outwait him. Too bad I am out of laundry detergent! LOL
Cinder, I have a fierce temper, I just go about it differently. But I am about ready for an argument now. But before I would do that...I would get in the car and go somewhere. Anywhere. Park at Wal-mart and sleep in the car for a couple of hours.
I would even say I am going to Wal-mart. But would forget my phone clearly laying on the table. I do need laundry detergent.
See, I will make him look like the ass. What did I do? I did a week's worth of cleaning in the bedroom and it looks better than it ever has. I put his clothes away for him.
I washed two loads and even hung the second out in the dark with the shirts he was griping about a couple of days ago, when I dug in that trunk to find his favorite shirts...I just didn't want to mix the blacks with the lights when I washed them. So he gripes about he knows he has more, his favorite ones that his family gave him.
Not only did I get that beer down, it was hot and sweaty work and my body temp is at flaming. Nothing to do with a/c. So, I got another. I have a glass of ice water nearby too, so I can wash it down. It's the plastic bottle with the screw on cap so you can save them. I think there is another half in the frig. I am going to drink it too.
That means there is no more. And there is no money for more.
I am a witch!
So, what now. With him sitting there and just having almost finished the bedroom I wanted to go to bed, but I wanted him to go to bed first. So I could slip off after him into the guest room. But now that he is in bed, the sight of him isn't p'ing me off.
And I wasn't really going to drink the coffee, that was a ploy trying to get him to go to bed. But now, I think I will. This is a good chance to rearrange the living room somewhat, altho, I can't be trotting stuff into the bedroom he is sleeping in as I would like. I now have that double dresser top to decorate with his things. He sleeps too lightly for me to sneak in there.
Can you tell....this is WAR.
It's just way too much to start on the storage room tonight. WAY, WAY too much. I would be throwing...what do you call those stands that you put boards on to saw them? Out the door. It is that bad. And it would take a ton of digging to even get to them.
Have you ever been so deeply hurt that it just leaves you feeling empty.? That is how I feel.
Raerae, I don't care if he feels bad. From the way he is acting, he needs to feel worse. Bad enough to make an effort to hear and change.
I took him on his first cruise to the Bahamas. I bought him all those nice clothes hanging in the closet, many never worn. I bought the wedding bands. And the 1/2 carat stud he wanted in his ear. And the diamond pinkie ring. And the popeye tatoo he designed and wanted so bad.
I am not really complaining. I had all the money I wanted and did whatever I wanted to as I could not foresee the health problems and nervous breakdown that would take me out of the game.
I am not near done ranting. When he met me I made a six figure income and always looked the part. I never wanted or figured on a long term relationship. I just wanted a companion and a monagamous sex partner to preserve my reputation. I knew my project was going to end in 6-9 months. And I intended to move right on...and said so from the get go. I wanted to go places on the weekends, I wanted a driver and an escort and sex. I never called him during the week etc and more often than not didn't take his calls. I would call on Wed or Thurs and say...be packed as we are going to...?????....wherever I wanted to go, be ready at 5pm Friday. And I spent probably $2000 most weekends on our entertainment. Finest dining, shopping, best hotels, best wines. etc etc....and always well dressed and haughty. Actually he scored alot of points with me there in knowing how to dress and conduct himself impeccably. Then, Argentina, my sis bought him the tickets for Christmas to join me, but it was really a gift to me, as she knew I was having a hard time, and getting lonely and depressed and missing him. He was great there too. Another luxury vacation. During my last project I got too sick, with several problems and with his health problems too, but I still made decent money, but not nearly enough. And I noticed how even tho' he tells me he doesn't want me to have to go back to it, how often he asks if I have called my contact yet. I swear I have wondered many times if my attraction wasn't my money. And now I have none. And that professional haughty attitude I had in the pub/restaurant. And the money I spent there.
Shoot, when we were dating, I might call and say I am going to spend the weekend in Clearwater or Orlando and drop him off a $100 so he could go out with friends or whatever.
I don't have a resentment about any of this, but sometimes I wonder if part of marrying me was my income. And if my lack of income is part of what is going on now.
I guess I was alot more fun then.?
But daggone it I don't doubt that he loves me. I KNOW he does.
I am just freaking at the rejection and lack of interest in me sexually. I have never had to deal with that before.
Note to Cinder....you know this from the attorneys and the courtroom, be as sly as a fox, but the one who looses their cool, looses. Try it at home.? evil grin.
Never let them see you sweat....from a management book.
He wants to know about the pile I am making at the door. I say that is for Loves, meeting at the flea market tomorrow. He says I never said a word about it. Sure I did. He just didn't "hear" me. What's new. So, I swoop that whole pile of clothes off the dresser, find some of my good jewelry
, take a break, go back in, separate his clothes from mine. Put all of his away and all of mine in a trash bag to haul to storage room. There's a big double dresser with mirror and a tall dresser. Our socks are together in one. And only one drawer has my stuff in it. My two drawers of lingerie and undies went in a little Wal-Mart bag. Anybody want any barely worn sexy nighties? They have done me no good. I am not going to take my many pairs of heels off the top shelf, but there are still some clothes up there to be sorted thro'.I was getting tired of outwaiting him to go to bed, so I started getting a bit mouthy.
He is watching some gory movie with people getting shot point blank in the head ( I am only so mean, as I could have pointed out that is how my son died and made him feel like real ****) and doing lines of cocaine/heroin. First I say, I would like some of that. (Big Lie)...so I could get the rest of the bedroom done. He says what needs done...I said it needs vacuumed and the clothes on the shelf sorted, then from storage room to choose which piece(s) of carpet will go in there so I can get rid of the rest. Well, actually, I can't hear the movie and I thought it was cocaine, he says no you don't it has heroine in it. I say all the better. But I will take a cup of his real coffee so I can stay up and finish my work. He ignores me. I start waving my arm at him and repeat myself. He says are you sure. I say yes. He pours me a cup, throws something in the kitchen, I didn't see what and don't care. Then I say I do not need to watch movies with people getting their head blown off, no wonder I have nightmares. He lost it. Turned off tv and threw both the headphones and remote. And went to bed. But see, I learned some things from living with the crazy, genius ex. I switched to let's make friendly for a moment and shared something from the follies here for him to see that I knew he would really be interested in. (Teach's I WANT THAT) I knew he would really like it, and it is the mix of being sweet and sour that makes a person crazy.
Mission accomplished. I was wondering if he was going to stay up all night and I am too tired to outwait him. Too bad I am out of laundry detergent! LOL
Cinder, I have a fierce temper, I just go about it differently. But I am about ready for an argument now. But before I would do that...I would get in the car and go somewhere. Anywhere. Park at Wal-mart and sleep in the car for a couple of hours.
I would even say I am going to Wal-mart. But would forget my phone clearly laying on the table. I do need laundry detergent.
See, I will make him look like the ass. What did I do? I did a week's worth of cleaning in the bedroom and it looks better than it ever has. I put his clothes away for him.
I washed two loads and even hung the second out in the dark with the shirts he was griping about a couple of days ago, when I dug in that trunk to find his favorite shirts...I just didn't want to mix the blacks with the lights when I washed them. So he gripes about he knows he has more, his favorite ones that his family gave him.
Not only did I get that beer down, it was hot and sweaty work and my body temp is at flaming. Nothing to do with a/c. So, I got another. I have a glass of ice water nearby too, so I can wash it down. It's the plastic bottle with the screw on cap so you can save them. I think there is another half in the frig. I am going to drink it too.
That means there is no more. And there is no money for more.
I am a witch!
So, what now. With him sitting there and just having almost finished the bedroom I wanted to go to bed, but I wanted him to go to bed first. So I could slip off after him into the guest room. But now that he is in bed, the sight of him isn't p'ing me off.
And I wasn't really going to drink the coffee, that was a ploy trying to get him to go to bed. But now, I think I will. This is a good chance to rearrange the living room somewhat, altho, I can't be trotting stuff into the bedroom he is sleeping in as I would like. I now have that double dresser top to decorate with his things. He sleeps too lightly for me to sneak in there.
Can you tell....this is WAR.
It's just way too much to start on the storage room tonight. WAY, WAY too much. I would be throwing...what do you call those stands that you put boards on to saw them? Out the door. It is that bad. And it would take a ton of digging to even get to them.
Have you ever been so deeply hurt that it just leaves you feeling empty.? That is how I feel.
Raerae, I don't care if he feels bad. From the way he is acting, he needs to feel worse. Bad enough to make an effort to hear and change.
I took him on his first cruise to the Bahamas. I bought him all those nice clothes hanging in the closet, many never worn. I bought the wedding bands. And the 1/2 carat stud he wanted in his ear. And the diamond pinkie ring. And the popeye tatoo he designed and wanted so bad.
I am not really complaining. I had all the money I wanted and did whatever I wanted to as I could not foresee the health problems and nervous breakdown that would take me out of the game.
I am not near done ranting. When he met me I made a six figure income and always looked the part. I never wanted or figured on a long term relationship. I just wanted a companion and a monagamous sex partner to preserve my reputation. I knew my project was going to end in 6-9 months. And I intended to move right on...and said so from the get go. I wanted to go places on the weekends, I wanted a driver and an escort and sex. I never called him during the week etc and more often than not didn't take his calls. I would call on Wed or Thurs and say...be packed as we are going to...?????....wherever I wanted to go, be ready at 5pm Friday. And I spent probably $2000 most weekends on our entertainment. Finest dining, shopping, best hotels, best wines. etc etc....and always well dressed and haughty. Actually he scored alot of points with me there in knowing how to dress and conduct himself impeccably. Then, Argentina, my sis bought him the tickets for Christmas to join me, but it was really a gift to me, as she knew I was having a hard time, and getting lonely and depressed and missing him. He was great there too. Another luxury vacation. During my last project I got too sick, with several problems and with his health problems too, but I still made decent money, but not nearly enough. And I noticed how even tho' he tells me he doesn't want me to have to go back to it, how often he asks if I have called my contact yet. I swear I have wondered many times if my attraction wasn't my money. And now I have none. And that professional haughty attitude I had in the pub/restaurant. And the money I spent there.
Shoot, when we were dating, I might call and say I am going to spend the weekend in Clearwater or Orlando and drop him off a $100 so he could go out with friends or whatever.
I don't have a resentment about any of this, but sometimes I wonder if part of marrying me was my income. And if my lack of income is part of what is going on now.
I guess I was alot more fun then.?
But daggone it I don't doubt that he loves me. I KNOW he does.
I am just freaking at the rejection and lack of interest in me sexually. I have never had to deal with that before.
Note to Cinder....you know this from the attorneys and the courtroom, be as sly as a fox, but the one who looses their cool, looses. Try it at home.? evil grin.
Never let them see you sweat....from a management book.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh, my clothes are still hanging in the closet.
I really want to go to sleep. But I feel like I am losing a big chance.
oh, well. It might not be a bad idea to not stoke the fire anymore tonight.
Sleeping in the other room is a statement enough, maybe?
Okay I will just rearrange a couple of things within the living room.
If I am still up at 5am I am going to start vacuuming.
I really want to go to sleep. But I feel like I am losing a big chance.
oh, well. It might not be a bad idea to not stoke the fire anymore tonight.
Sleeping in the other room is a statement enough, maybe?
Okay I will just rearrange a couple of things within the living room.
If I am still up at 5am I am going to start vacuuming.
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