trailmix

No it surely isn't. Your friend's advice is horrible lol

Indisposed

Yeah, I rolled my eyes really hard on that one lol.

Unless you have been in a relationship with an addict, or researched it at the very least, people really have no idea.

Hearing "you deserve better" or things to that nature is so cliche too. I've always felt like I deserved better than the way I was treated during our relationship, and told her that numerous times. Hell she even said it voluntarily many of times.

I just really hate how we can't just hit a switch in our brains to cut off feelings like an addict does. As awful as she was to me, I really don't think she fully understands the severity of her decisions still and probably won't until she feels hurt similar to what she caused others.

Bekindalways

Yeah, your friend can't possibly know. I hope he never does. The situation you EZ and all of us have been through just hurts too much. I don't want anyone to go through it.

Keep getting through the days, hours minutes EZ. The pain will recede but it takes way way longer than anyone wants it to.

Indisposed

It really is awful.

There are times where I want to put myself out of misery, but I will never do that. I keep resisting the urge to message her, no matter how hard it gets.

I keep telling myself that she will eventually realize she messed up, and it will eat her alive for how she treated me. I know that day is far away, and might never come at all no matter if she gets far in her recovery.

The saddest part is that besides me telling her about those awful moments she put me through in her drunken rampages, she probably has no memory of the hurt and danger she put me in. That, or the amount of things I did to keep her safe when she passed out, puked all over place, or almost got arrested.

I've never felt so unappreciated in my life, and I've done more for her than anyone else. Life can very cruel sometimes.

sage1969

She may never have any memory of what she's done to you. That is the reality of it. XABF proposed to me, but never remembered, then when I asked him about it, he wanted to continue things as they had been (before his proposal). Whatever they do in blackout, nice or not, is gone, it never existed for them.

For your own sanity, try to let go of some of this, and begin focusing on you. When you start down the rabbit hole of her realising what she's done to you and herself, stop! Remember that it no longer exists for her, that it may have never happened for her. Cold, I know, but you've got to take care of yourself now.

Indisposed

The reality is that even though she doesn't remember doing them, I have pointed out the bad things she has done multiple times. I know she has a terrible memory brought on by her alcohol and substance abuse over the years, so I don't think it will fully hit her until she progresses enough in her recovery or hits the stage where she talks about all the people she's hurt. The two people she's hurt the most? Her mom and I.

I didn't even get a sincere way of saying goodbye. All I got was "sorry it had to be this way" in a text, and "you're stronger than you think, you'll be fine."

When I brought up how badly this is going to mess me up, I got "well getting over my first love was really hard. I had to talk to a counselor, get on medication, and it took me a few years" or something to that effect. Once again making it about her, not caring about my feelings. It's just very narcissistic, and selfish.

I really am trying to focus on myself as best as possible, but right not it's virtually impossible. I'm so hung up on how things ended, and the way she went about things.

sage1969

Don't count on it. She may remember very little, and it may never be a priority for her simply because the memories don't exist. This comes down to the neurophysiology and function of the brain, and what extensive and progressive alcohol use does. This was the sad reality I and so many of us have had to face: quite a lot of what we know and remember simply does not exist for a person who was in a blackout at the time; their brain anatomy is too damaged to retain memory.

I know it's difficult to focus on yourself right now. Even if the addictions and codependency weren't involved, it's difficult to break up a relationship, and there are feelings and grieving that you will need to experience before you can really grow and heal and move on. But especially because addictions and codependency were involved, you do need to focus on you right now.

Indisposed

I thought I'd be more pissed off at the thought of her hooking up in recovery, but because I feared it going into the situation, and reading how common it is makes me less mad if that makes sense? I hate that I would hear her out if she called or texted because I know deep down inside she doesn't deserve it.

I wish I was filled with more anger than hurt. I never realized how codependent our relationship was for the both of us. It was something we never addressed, and I was always under the impression that I had it more together mentally until late in 2020 (5 years in). Ignoring my mental health, and concentrating on her addiction and mental health took a huge toll on me and it wasn't until I was so emotional with her leaving to recovery and being there that I realized that.

I'm trying as best as I can to get through each day as it comes.

trailmix

Once some of the fog clears (and that can take a while) and you start thinking about how she treated you and how you didn't deserve that abuse and how she just walked away from it all - you may get angry, but you're not there yet. To be there you have to be focusing on yourself and your self worth.

I can see how you wouldn't necessarily be all that angry about her cheating again. You have probably been making excuses for her for years. Yes, she screamed at me and slapped me - but she was probably black out drunk or I know how she gets, I should have just left. I can't expect her to behave perfectly, she is an addict and has mental health issues etc etc.

So you were primed to excuse her. Hopefully that will wear off.

If you think about it, when you know if she did call you would allow her to say her - bit - you are probably still able to excuse her most anything. What else can she do to hurt you? How much lower can it go, the abuse mentally and physically, the cheating, the lying - what could she possibly do that would have you walk away?

That's why it would be so dangerous to talk to her now, until you are feeling stronger. That's why no contact is so important. Talking to her would take you right back to where you were.

Years of being treated poorly wears your self worth away. Until you start working on that and focusing on yourself (and yes, I know it's not easy), that probably won't shift much. But right now, it's still very raw, so just getting through each day the best you can is great.

Bekindalways

Good on you EZ. These days do add up after awhile. It just takes so dang long.

I hope you are doing some basic stuff like getting exercise no matter how minor, staying hydrated and eating a vegetable every now and then.

Have a hug and sitting ovation for getting through this far.

Indisposed

trailmix - You're absolutely right - I have been making excuses for her this whole time, and did blame her mental illness and addiction for the majority of the things she did to me. After all, majority of it happened while she was under the influence. I did feel sincerity when she apologized, and did know she was sick but now I realize that I let her manipulate me by doing that.

It has taken a huge toll on my self worth over the years, and I know it's way too early to talk to her even if she did reach out. I've done so research on similar rehab romance stories and 13 stepping that my head hurts lol. I've read every similar story on this forum, and it's scary how similar the stories are.

Thank you for continuing to reach out, and give perspective. When those angry moments happen during the day, I want to cave in and message her in a vengeful way and ask how she can happy with herself or sleep at night. I know it's not worth it though, and just do my best to get through that emotion and make it through the day.

Indisposed

Absolutely. I'm forcing myself to eat, stay hydrated, and do basic things like cook dinner, play with my dogs, and things to that nature. Thank you for your kind words, and continuing to reach out.

I'm beyond thankful for this forum because I've never felt so more alone in my life, and I know this feeling won't go away soon. I have family, but they are partial and have witnessed the stuff she has done to me both in person, and by me telling them. I love them and am very thankful for them, but I feel like this forum understands way more than they ever will.

dandylion

Ez.......I have a suggestion for an exercise that might help you....I have done it in the past and it did offer me some relief.

Take pen and paper....when these angry feelings and vengeful thoughts flood your thinking----and do what I call "automatic writing.
****Remember that these writings are only for you and don't show them to anyone else---this is for your experience only.
Write each thought or what you would like to say to her, as it comes unto your mind.
****Do nor "edit" anything no matter how bad your thoughts seem. Not editing is key.
Write it ALL.
Then.....Imediately, tear it all into timy pieces. Don't even bother to read it. Just tear it up or burn it.

You can do this as often as you want or need.
Remember these words are just between you and the Universe.

Indisposed

I have thought about doing that, but I feel like if I wrote them down, it would just cause more anger, and get me in a bad mind frame. I already put enough thought into her on a daily basis, you know?

All I know is that this is a really difficult Thanksgiving already.

dandylion

Ez.....actually, it does the opposite. It helps to externalize the emotion, rather than keeping it inside and "chewing" on it. That is why you don' edit it and destroy it immediately.

By the way, I didn't just make it up----I learned about this exercise in a psychology textbook, during a psychology course I was taking at the local college.

It might also help if y9u get outside and do something---anything!----How about going outside and feeding the birds, if nothing else. Birds always appreciate you.
The idea is to just get through this day.

Indisposed

I'm sure it works for some people, but I just don't see that working well for me. Thanks for the suggestion though.

dandylion

EZ....I get the message. I will cease and desist.

Indisposed

It's completely fine you suggest things, I'm all for it. I appreciate you reaching out, one way or another

trailmix

Well, you know, you don't know unless you try it. One thing, when you are feeling like this is, you don't actually feel like doing anything.

It's like that list thing I mentioned to you, seems it would be really negative and make you angry but I found when writing it, it was freeing and when looking at it, it was comforting, I would add to it when things popped in to my head - I wouldn't have to read the whole list (which was longgggg) and I'd just think, right that's why I'm not talking to him - it's almost amusing (a bit later on).

You said you spend too much time in your head. Yes, trying dandylion's suggestion might make angry, but isn't that ok? Will you feel any worse than you do now or might it help.

One other thing dandylion suggests sometimes is going out in the woods or the middle of nowhere or heck in to your pillow if nothing else (where you can't be heard) and just letting it all out, crying screaming, swearing, hit a tree with a branch, then cry and scream some more - (sorry dandylion, this is my version from what I remember - artistic license lol).

Maybe write the feelings, tear up the paper and head for the woods!

If you sit on those feelings and let them ruminate, they go nowhere, you can't fix what is bothering you using the same thought processes that got you there.

I hope you will try, just try (for the record, I won't bring this up again either).

Indisposed

I've been giving it a thought today - I just have fears that I will write out a list and want to mail it to her lol. I might try it out one of these days though because it might help, and like you said, I won't know until I try.

Today has been really hard, but I'm trying to stay focused on my family. I'm still friends friends on social media with her mother and sister, and seeing them post about things when I would normally be there is a little hard. I've been ok up until this point with them being on my social media but I knew the holidays will be rough. I still am close to them and want to remain friends with them regardless of what happened.

I keep thinking about how hard it must be on her seeing her mom and sister post things, and she isn't there because she's at rehab. I know her urge to drink is really high right now.

What the hell is wrong with me? I still am thinking about her feelings or her well being, when I should be more worried about mine lol. She treated me like dirt, and here I am thinking of her well being still.

I hate my mind sometimes.