trailmix

Well, on the upside you are challenging that thinking now. You are saying I am thinking this - now why would I do that?

This is stepping way over on to her side of the street. You don't know what she's thinking and you don't know if she wants to drink. She might be quite content right where she is. You are making up a scenario, that may or may not even be true, but you are making one up in her favour. See how dangerous that thinking is?

It's so important to break that pattern. Questioning it is a good start.

Indisposed

Yeah, I see what you meant. I just know that everytime she got in her emotions, the first thing she thought about was alcohol. Even with one of the last times I talked to her 3 weeks ago, she got upset at quitting a job and an issue with a doctor visit, and I had to talk her out of relapsing. Part of me hopes she is going through a rough time selfishly because how she treated me. I'm too caring of a person to be vengeful, and obviously don't really want that (although it would make me feel a little better knowing she's hurt like she hurt others lol).

I guess I'm still stuck worrying about her, when her actions have shown me she doesn't care much about my feelings.

I'm questioning why the hell I'm putting her thoughts before mine, and know my feelings matter more than hers, so I guess that's a good start.

trailmix

What about your family. Do you have anyone in your close family that is an alcoholic/addict or has other issues?

Indisposed

I do not. My ex was the first real alcoholic/addict I have ever dealt with on a daily basis. Same with bi polar depression and manic depression, she was the only person I ever associated with that suffered from both and used substances as much as she did.

This is all new to me, and I'll be honest I never researched it as much as I probably should've. The whole time we dated, I knew she needed to be correctly medicated for her mental illnesses, but she always had an excuse why she didn't continue taking medication (didn't like how it made her feel, wanted to switch because it didn't make her feel right, etc). She finally stayed on course with it the last year or so (as far as I know because it seemed questionable at times).

As far as her alcoholism and substance abuse, I've been trying to get her help for the last 3 years or so? She always wanted to try it by herself, but it wasn't until she was going to be forced out of her mom's place where she finally agreed to treatment. She would even have excuses not to go to AA because "the ones she went to were all guys" and it made it her uncomfortable. As you can see - excuse after excuse lol.

About a year ago I started questioning whether she would ever get help. I'm glad she finally went into rehab this summer, but never did I think it would break our relationship and she would move onto another addict.

Yes, I know she cheated in the past, but I always thought her going to treatment would strengthen our relationship and make her realize how much I've stood by her through the darkest days. I had really high hopes going into it, which is probably why I'm still so confused and taking this so hard.

trailmix

For 6 years she treated you pretty badly, but you expected her to appreciate you. That doesn't add up, you know? Plus, you can never expect anything back for anything you give, if you do, you will be disappointed at some (probably many) points. Only give what you have no expectation of receiving anything for (generally). Now in the "normal" world, you would have been in a relationship with someone who gave to you too, that appreciated you, you would know and care about each others likes and dislikes, there would be balance and all would be well (not unicorns and rainbows, but you know what I mean). A healthy relationship. That's what you can hope for down the road. Maybe it's time to start looking forward a bit.

I asked about your family because people who grow up in dysfunctional households where there is alcoholism/addition are great for smoothing things over, trying to keep everything on an even keel and witnessing and being part of poor treatment and go on to have a much higher tolerance for poor treatment. (My Father was an alcoholic).

The way you react to her poor treatment of you (aside from being codependent) has all the hallmarks of growing up in a household where one person (the tornado) has to be constantly catered to. Could be an addict, someone with anger problems, mental illness, a strict parent etc etc. There is a lot of literature with regard to Adult children of alcoholics.

I'm no psychiatrist lol, it just kind of reminded me of that from what you posted today.

People don't usually research it until they have to, it's not like alcoholism is talked about much in general circles. We all know of it, but it's not conversation - even if you know one.

Indisposed

I do regret not researching it a little bit more because maybe it would have been a little easier to deal with, and not take such a toll on me over time.

She did treat me pretty badly, but she also did treat me well sometimes, and was there for me the majority of the time if I needed her. I don't think she fully appreciated me for everything I did though, and maybe never will realize everything I did or what she put me through.

It's officially 2 weeks today. I think the longest we ever went without talking was about 3-4 weeks back in 2017 when we went on a break. Still find myself hoping she's going to call, but need to lower my expections and start to worry more about myself. What's meant to be is what's to be. Everyone is saying I dodged a bullet and this is a blessing in disguise. I understand why they say that, but it's just hard for me to see right now because I still love her (as stupid as that sounds). I really do wish I knew my worth more, and have more will power.

sage1969

Sometimes if you have no familial history with alcohol or addiction, there can be other family influences, like intergenerational traumas or things going on between family members, that can cause us to develop insecure / anxious or avoidance attachment styles. This can really interact with an addictive personality and result in codependency.

Another added dimension is if you have a more introverted personality, if you're more sensitive / intuitive, partnering with an addictive personality allows them to take, and unless you have good boundaries, you give endlessly.

So, I know everyone keeps saying to focus on yourself, and there's a good reason: by thinking about your formative years, you can learn more about yourself, your boundaries, and what you might want to strengthen, change, and / or accept.

Indisposed

Yeah, I'm a very sensitive person, and wear my emotions on my sleeve. She used to always say I was too sensitive, even though the sensitivity was brought on by alot of what she did.

All I know is right now I keep thinking about things I could have done better, or ways that might have made things better, instead of focusing on all the negative things she did as pointed out in this thread.

I was being as supportive as I can when she started this journey, and know I did my best to keep it together. It wasn't until I knew something was up where I started getting emotional and attached, and all it did was make her angry. I'm sitting here thinking that I drove her away, instead of thinking how shady she was being and manipulating me until the end.

I'm trying to focus on the negatives, but think I'm stuck in the what if stage. I keep telling myself daily that I didn't want this version of her anyway, and until she got to a further point in her recovery, we would shift the focus onto and possibly go to couple's therapy to try and resolve the issues we both had. All I know is that no matter what version I didn't want, I keep thinking about her sharing all those moments she has on a daily basis with someone else. Though I am thankful I don't have to deal with the mood swings and negative parts of her life, I miss the good times.

This is harder than I thought it would be. Since it happened so quickly, it's hard to come to terms yet, no matter how hard I try.

I wish the temptation I have to want to text or call her wouldn't be so high still. Is it dumb to still get those feelings?

trailmix

I don't think so, it has only been a couple of weeks.

If you did contact her, what would you say? I'm not being nosy and you don't have to be too specific, I'm just wondering what you want to say to her or maybe what are you hoping for in a reply (if any)?

Indisposed

At this point - I would probably want to ask why she lied to me about wanting to "do recovery by herself" and why she insisted on telling me that she wasn't looking for anyone, when I had fears she would find someone there? Also why she told me she loved me knowing that it would bring back my feelings, when I was completely ok with her concentrating on herself during recovery and not putting her relationship first. A bunch of other questions, but you get my drift.

I do truly believe she meant those things, but became vulnerable being alone (she's very codependent) and replaced her "high" with the high of new romance and fun. Basically everything I read is that cheating and rehab romances are for that reason.

I know it's pointless to ask these things right now because she's still in this rehab romance. The only way I will ever get the opportunity to ask these things is if she ever reaches out to me. I won't get involved with drama, and I want her to figure it out by herself, not because she's forced to by me reaching out. I also don't want to be a trigger and cause her to relapse either.

sage1969

So now that you know what you would ask, now ask yourself how can you step back and make this about you and not her? How can you make this about your recovery?

Cyranoak

if you don't love the drama, and don't love your role in however you would describe your interactions with this woman, please consider attending at least six alanon meetings to learn how this happenned, why it's still happening, and how to make sure it doesn't happen in the future with a different woman. good luck to you.

velma929

An addict can categorize people into one of two groups: someone who facilitates drug use, or someone who represents a roadblock to getting drugs.

Nope. See above.

Indisposed

I know I need to be more selfish in my recovery, and put myself first. I've never put myself first my whole life, so believe me when I say I am trying.

Indisposed

Thank you for reaching out. Reading similar stories to mine, I have learned why this happens and how often it does as well. Just will always question how it relates to my story. Alanon is most likely in my future.

Indisposed

You're probably right. As someone pointed out before, I'm the enemy because I always tried to get her sober, even if I enabled her in the past. Part of me thinks she resents her mom and I because we were the ones to convince her to go into this. She never would have done this on her own unless something serious like killing someone driving drunk happened.

trailmix

I think you can safely believe she resents you. Although resentment kind of implies she still feels that way, she probably feels very little about any of it by now. Remember, she is also a person who stole from and lied to her Mother.

Realistically, why wouldn't she resent you, or at least push back.

Just because she is an alcoholic and just because she was/may still be doing something you and her Mom didn't think was good for her, doesn't mean she had no feelings about it.

Drinking regularly until you are black out drunk, abusing those around you may not seem like such a great idea to a lot of people because it seems very negative and not good for her (or those around her). But she is an adult person and can legally drink anytime she wants to really.

How much do you like taking advice you don't want to act on? Some things were suggested to you yesterday which you aren't ready for or think might not suit you, or you aren't ready to do right now, so you politely declined. No one who is aware of that is going to bring that up again, done and dusted! You will make your own decisions.

Now what if dandylion and I had a chat and decided this is all really negative for you and if you could just get this out and get straight with it all, you would do so much better!! So dandylion and I hop in her white panel van and take you off to the woods for a screaming session! Whether you like it or not.

We think it would be good for you!

You push people far enough, they (generally) push right back. I suspect you might resent us after that, even though we had your best interests in mind.

I take it your ex is not stupid and although she is an alcoholic, she is still a thinking person. We do have to respect other people's choices, even if we don't like them, even if we don't agree with them. Her alcoholism and the way she acts may not seem ok, but it seems ok to her, right now.

Indisposed

I completely understand, and agree. I know she takes ownership for the reasons why she is there, but definitely puts the blame on us a little bit.

She went in at the end of September, and 3 weeks into the 4 week detox (before moving into the recovery home part of the stay), she called her mom and asked to come home because she wanted another chance to be able to do this by herself, and to be trusted. Her mom asked what I thought, and I said -

"What reason do you have to believe she can handle it? How many times has she lied, and failed? She only went for a month in July, and relapsed 2 days later. She needs at least 4 months sober to get the alcohol completely out of her system, and even then she would need to follow up with outside treatment." Her mom completely agreed, and was basically asking just to confirm what she already thought.

I honestly believe the only reason she is still there is because of this rehab romance. It's just unfortunate because had her mom or I caved in, or didn't convince her to go, we would probably still be together.

I know that's a really crappy way of looking at it, but I know we did the right thing, and had her best interests at heart.

I know I can sleep well at night knowing that we were trying to save her life, and other innocent people because she was driving drunk almost every day this past summer (because she had no where to drink). I'm honestly shocked she never hurt herself or others. She was incredibly lucky.

trailmix

Again, this is dangerous thinking (dangerous for you). This is something you might think about say, a child that wanted to eat candy before bed but you knew if they did they would be on a sugar high and be up until 4 AM and miserable tomorrow, because you had allowed it before. She might cry herself to sleep, but you know what is really best for her.

You can have someone's best interests at heart, that never means you should try to control them or change them. While her addiction is indeed protecting itself, as that is part of alcoholism, you tried to change her, from what she is to what you wanted her to be. While your intent might have been honest and good, that's really beside the point.

I'm sure you had some heart to heart talks about her drinking, it's not that she didn't know what you wanted.

Which then leads back to - and you mentioned this earlier, if you hadn't pushed so hard maybe you would still be together. Well, yes, maybe but the real question is, why would you want to be in a abusive relationship? I realize that any one of us can get caught up in an abusive relationship or a relationship with an alcoholic or heck a heroin addict, but you are out of that now, she has treated you terribly and yet, you are willing to go back to that.

You know what, if you did, you probably wouldn't stay now anyway because you have learned so much, you wouldn't be able to ignore it anymore, you would see her differently.

Indisposed

I see what you're saying. I don't think I tried to control her, it was more along the lines of letting her know she needed to control her drinking herself. I just simply wouldn't want to be around it or talk to her when she was drunk because she became an awful person, very violent, and made terrible decisions.

I get what you're saying though - it was something I tried to change, even if it was for the better. A simple solution would have been just leaving in the situation and letting her find out herself. It was just very difficult dealing with it for the first time and now I know better. She would come down from being drunk, talk about needing help, crying, say she was tired of doing this to herself/others and the whole nine. She was a very angry drunk, then the emotions hit, and then pass out. It made you feel sorry for her because you believed her wanting to get help (manipulating) and then the next day wake up and "not want to talk about it." Rinse and repeat.

Most of her abuse (physically and verbally) came while being drunk or withdrawal. Like I said before, I blamed the addiction and mental illness for the longest time, and I can no longer place ALL the blame on that anymore.

I don't even know what would happen, or how I would react if she came back begging for forgiveness to be honest. I know I deserve way better than she gave me, that's for damn sure. Could I forgive her for everything? Of course, but to go back into the same routine wouldn't work for me.

Regardless of what happened with the cheating with the rehab romance - we had a lot of work ahead of us as a couple in terms of couple therapy and other things to see if we could even progress anyway. We talked about it a couple of times, but it never materialized because the addiction was still active.

I know I'm far from perfect, but I do know I treated her well and did as much as I possibly could for her. Most of the time at the expense of my own well being. I know to never do that again. I've learned a lot from everyone here, and most of it has to do with self worth.